So on Saturday I was trucking along. E2 was 504. P4 was 0.2. Follies were 16mm and below. I felt good.
Monday morning, I go in for my U/S and she said "I bet he'll have you stim for *one more day*. It depends on your blood work of course, but that's my guess."
Welp, they called with blood work and it had spiked up to 1392 for E2 (more than double in 48 hours) and my P4 skyrocketed to 1.07 (hhhhmmmm this feels familiar). So I asked the nurse "Did he mention anything about a freeze all since my progesterone is now over 1? ((as this is what happened last IVF and the reason he gave for freeze all)). All she could say was "Well, that's a possibility. We won't know for sure until Wednesday." So I was told to trigger Monday night/Tuesday Morning at 3am.
3AM?!?! Who does that?
Well, I think that this "batch cycle" for my RE (where everyone cycling is put in synch so that he only does ERs and ETs between June 4th and 12th) there must be a LOT of us ready to go on the first possible day because I'm not scheduled until 1:30 in the afternoon. Thus the 3am trigger. Agh. So ok, I set my alarm clock, got up at 2:40 so I'd have 20 minutes to really wake up (because last thing I want is to be sleepy and do something stupid or wrong when it comes to the trigger), did it and finally got back to sleep just after 4am. But the other problem I thought when she told me this schedule...I'm diabetic. I can't eat before ER because of the anesthesia. I have to go almost all day without food?! Well, she said I'm actually allowed to eat until 4am. Ooo great! So now I'm planning on staying up until like 1am so that I can have a "meal" at midnight so that I have a chance of making it to the late afternoon without eating. SIGH. But whatever. I'll do it.
Based on U/S I should only have 7-9 eggs at most retrieved. Still trying to come to terms with the lower number. But last time of the 13 retrieved, 11 were mature but only 7 fertilized. So I'm (being possibly unrealistic?) hoping that the seven best are all mature and fertilize so that I actually have as many to "work with" as last time. SMH.
See you on the flip side of the retrieval.
Ice bar in Vegas 2012
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Estrogen Levels etc.
So Tuesday after three nights of stims my E2 was 204, Thursday it was 448, today Saturday after seven nights of stims it's 504. I know classically it takes a bit of a dive after starting ganirelix so I'm glad this time it's raising more slowing than last time so instead of a one day drop of 300, instead over two days it just raised up 56. Makes it seem much less like "Holy crap what happened?" Which is how I felt last time.
Now, of course last time I had a higher E2 at this point. So OK, I might need to stim longer than anticipated. Not a biggie (although I did just order five more vials of Menopur which will only get me through Wednesday). So if I trigger later than Thursday I will need to order even more...but considering all the donations I've gotten that I cannot stop being amazed and thankful for - a few hundred out of my pocket for this isn't soooo bad. And I could go and check with the ladies if anyone has any (I just feel guilty, like I've begged them enough. But I guess do I really have any shame after all the thousands we've shelled out? Not much.)
But anyway, Dr. J has decided to up my Follistim from 150 a day to 225. I'm pleased with this, as a) I have plenty of follistim b) I want to try and get a few more follies added to the bunch and c) since my E2 is lagging a bit based on my follies seems like the smart thing to do.
Even more monitoring on Monday (at which point I think I'll be switched to every day?). But Wednesday I know I have to go back to Highland Park for the intralipid infusion so maaaaybe I can skip Tuesday. But I am feeling more relaxed and zen today than I was yesterday about the fact that I have fewer follies this time around...so even if we only retrieve 7-9 follies - QUALITY is what matters. A bunch of the grads in the 75strong reminded me that their second or third cycles were not as great retrieval wise, yet had better quality and ended up with their little ones. So here's hoping.
But we're about to embark on day-date! We're going to see "A Million Ways to Die in the West" followed by the best burgers on the face of the earth. If you live within an hour of Chicago...you should take a trip to Cary, IL to a place called "The Tracks". Featured once on Chicago's Best. OMG! I've been wanting one for ten days, and we went on Memorial Day only to find them closed for the holiday (What?!?!) So Jeff promised he'd take me today. I hope they still have the "Casablanca burger" - which is a burger with swiss cheese, avocado and grilled pineapple. Might sound gross but I worked up the guts to get it last time and holy shit was it so damn tasty! Food Porn!
Oh, and one other minor tid-bit....
We have a house offer that was accepted. What?! Yeah, it's a short sale so we still need bank approval in the next 60 days and then closing before I go all Bragie-McBraggerson on Facebook...but we finally found a house that we not only like...but got accepted before being outbid! If you remember my "wish list" from THIS POST you will be happy to know it checks all the boxes accept for no hardwood floors and yes the kitchen has linoleum. It should be just under $5K to have hardwood installed in the entire first floor -kitchen included. ($2K if we did bamboo and did it ourselves but let's be real. My DH has installed hardwood in his parents house in one bedroom and swore never ever again would he do that.) So while we most likely will not be able to do that before we move it (**maaaybeeee**), we should be able to do it come next spring's bonus.
Aside from that, just needs holes patched and rooms painted. Otherwise in fairly excellent condition. The carpet everywhere is decent enough I could live with it for a while if need be. It has a cute little front porch, a huge deck on the back, the biggest yard in that entire subdivision possibly. I mean, really - has one of the biggest yards I've seen in any subdivision in our town. We looooove the yard and landscaping. Open concept Kitchen / living room, three bedroom, two and a half bath. Master bath has soaker tub and separate shower and double sinks ((Turns out this was a must have and not a wish because we kept saying NO to any house without it)). Walk in closet in master. Half basement/half crawl (all unfinished). Bedrooms are decent size. And as it turns out another "must have" for me was a space for a formal dining room. I inherited my great grandmother's table and chairs a few years ago after many promises that they'd be mine. They are antiques from the 1880's. In excellent condition. And hell I hauled them in a uhaul to drag them here from Oklahoma. I was surprised at a few homes we saw without space for that. If I ever host thanksgiving or easter meals. Hell, even just a family dinner with just Jeff's side! We need that table. Oh crap, which reminds me I've often said to his mother we never host anything because we don't have the space...we'll have the space. EEEEkkkkk! (dread and excitement all rolled into one!)
Anyway, I will keep you - dear readers in the loop on all things IVF and home buying in the coming week(s).
Now, of course last time I had a higher E2 at this point. So OK, I might need to stim longer than anticipated. Not a biggie (although I did just order five more vials of Menopur which will only get me through Wednesday). So if I trigger later than Thursday I will need to order even more...but considering all the donations I've gotten that I cannot stop being amazed and thankful for - a few hundred out of my pocket for this isn't soooo bad. And I could go and check with the ladies if anyone has any (I just feel guilty, like I've begged them enough. But I guess do I really have any shame after all the thousands we've shelled out? Not much.)
But anyway, Dr. J has decided to up my Follistim from 150 a day to 225. I'm pleased with this, as a) I have plenty of follistim b) I want to try and get a few more follies added to the bunch and c) since my E2 is lagging a bit based on my follies seems like the smart thing to do.
Even more monitoring on Monday (at which point I think I'll be switched to every day?). But Wednesday I know I have to go back to Highland Park for the intralipid infusion so maaaaybe I can skip Tuesday. But I am feeling more relaxed and zen today than I was yesterday about the fact that I have fewer follies this time around...so even if we only retrieve 7-9 follies - QUALITY is what matters. A bunch of the grads in the 75strong reminded me that their second or third cycles were not as great retrieval wise, yet had better quality and ended up with their little ones. So here's hoping.
But we're about to embark on day-date! We're going to see "A Million Ways to Die in the West" followed by the best burgers on the face of the earth. If you live within an hour of Chicago...you should take a trip to Cary, IL to a place called "The Tracks". Featured once on Chicago's Best. OMG! I've been wanting one for ten days, and we went on Memorial Day only to find them closed for the holiday (What?!?!) So Jeff promised he'd take me today. I hope they still have the "Casablanca burger" - which is a burger with swiss cheese, avocado and grilled pineapple. Might sound gross but I worked up the guts to get it last time and holy shit was it so damn tasty! Food Porn!
Oh, and one other minor tid-bit....
We have a house offer that was accepted. What?! Yeah, it's a short sale so we still need bank approval in the next 60 days and then closing before I go all Bragie-McBraggerson on Facebook...but we finally found a house that we not only like...but got accepted before being outbid! If you remember my "wish list" from THIS POST you will be happy to know it checks all the boxes accept for no hardwood floors and yes the kitchen has linoleum. It should be just under $5K to have hardwood installed in the entire first floor -kitchen included. ($2K if we did bamboo and did it ourselves but let's be real. My DH has installed hardwood in his parents house in one bedroom and swore never ever again would he do that.) So while we most likely will not be able to do that before we move it (**maaaybeeee**), we should be able to do it come next spring's bonus.
Aside from that, just needs holes patched and rooms painted. Otherwise in fairly excellent condition. The carpet everywhere is decent enough I could live with it for a while if need be. It has a cute little front porch, a huge deck on the back, the biggest yard in that entire subdivision possibly. I mean, really - has one of the biggest yards I've seen in any subdivision in our town. We looooove the yard and landscaping. Open concept Kitchen / living room, three bedroom, two and a half bath. Master bath has soaker tub and separate shower and double sinks ((Turns out this was a must have and not a wish because we kept saying NO to any house without it)). Walk in closet in master. Half basement/half crawl (all unfinished). Bedrooms are decent size. And as it turns out another "must have" for me was a space for a formal dining room. I inherited my great grandmother's table and chairs a few years ago after many promises that they'd be mine. They are antiques from the 1880's. In excellent condition. And hell I hauled them in a uhaul to drag them here from Oklahoma. I was surprised at a few homes we saw without space for that. If I ever host thanksgiving or easter meals. Hell, even just a family dinner with just Jeff's side! We need that table. Oh crap, which reminds me I've often said to his mother we never host anything because we don't have the space...we'll have the space. EEEEkkkkk! (dread and excitement all rolled into one!)
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| Look at the size of that lawn!! |
Anyway, I will keep you - dear readers in the loop on all things IVF and home buying in the coming week(s).
Friday, May 30, 2014
Monitoring #3 (After six days of stims)
So I'm kind of a sneaky bastard. On Tuesday, Roberta told me to set up Thursday monitoring in Buffalo Grove (since my office doesn't have U/S on Thursday) and one for Friday at my office. And mentioned I'd probably have one over the weekend out in Highland Park.
We yesterday I had my monitoring at B.G. but *hate* the U/S tech there. I can't see the screen and she only measures anything above 10mm. And didn't tell me lining thickness. Nothing! So when they called with my blood work, they said "OK, you'll come in to HP on Saturday." And I thought "Oh, I think they mean I don't have to go in Friday to my office." But I didn't ask for clarity because damnit I wanted to go to Roberta so I could hear and see every little detail!
So I showed up today, she was very thorough and I got all the juicy details. Then went for the blood work and the nurse was like "Um, we have that you were only supposed to come in Saturday." And I totally played dumb, like "Well on Tuesday Roberta told me to set up this Friday appt. so I just assumed I was supposed to keep it???" And they were like, "no - so there's no need to draw your blood since you're going in tomorrow." :::::blushes from shame::::: I figure since I had to pay them $11K (not including meds) for this cycle out of pocket and it includes all U/S that darn it - I can see and hear what info I want from my fav tech if your others are going to be so stingy with info. So here's the news I got:
Right: 16mm, 14.5mm, 13.5mm, 11, and a 7.5mm (((Yesterday I was only told I had three - 11.5, 11, and 10))
Left: 16.5mm, 13.5mm, 9.5mm, 8.5mm, and 8mm. (((Yesterday I was only told a 14.5mm)))
So it's as if I went from only four follies to ten! Big difference! And I learned my lining is triple stripped now and 8.3 (up from 6.5 on Tuesday)
Now I keep repeating the mantra "Quality over Quantity" but I can't help but compare to last cycle and at this point (actually a day earlier) I already had 15 follies over 8mm. Today I only have 9 over 8mm. SIGH.
But I know for quality it's better if they grow slower so those two biggest actually not be that great and I need to focus on getting good eggies. And maybe there are a few more small suckers hiding just waiting to burst forth with growth. But seriously, my fear factor has just jumped since last time I only had 13 retrieved, 11 mature, and nine fertilize all to only get one to blast...I can't help but feel like "If only one made it out of those 13 retrieved...what if I only have like 7 or 8 retrieved?!?!?!" ARGH! I seriously have a love/hate for IVF.
The sheer level of anxiety and worry, mixed with all the hormones, drugs to remember, etc is a lot to take. BUT I am trying to be thankful today as today marked the start of my IVF Stay-cation! 13 days of no work! I can be a big old bloated mess here at home. ((But oddly, I've LOST two lbs this week on stims. Well THAT's different! Only one more lbs to go before I'm back down to my "wedding weight" from five years ago)) Aside from laying around, I plan on tanning outside, reading a lot, and hope to get in visits and lunches with friends and family. Try and make it feel a little more actual vacation rather than medical.
We yesterday I had my monitoring at B.G. but *hate* the U/S tech there. I can't see the screen and she only measures anything above 10mm. And didn't tell me lining thickness. Nothing! So when they called with my blood work, they said "OK, you'll come in to HP on Saturday." And I thought "Oh, I think they mean I don't have to go in Friday to my office." But I didn't ask for clarity because damnit I wanted to go to Roberta so I could hear and see every little detail!
So I showed up today, she was very thorough and I got all the juicy details. Then went for the blood work and the nurse was like "Um, we have that you were only supposed to come in Saturday." And I totally played dumb, like "Well on Tuesday Roberta told me to set up this Friday appt. so I just assumed I was supposed to keep it???" And they were like, "no - so there's no need to draw your blood since you're going in tomorrow." :::::blushes from shame::::: I figure since I had to pay them $11K (not including meds) for this cycle out of pocket and it includes all U/S that darn it - I can see and hear what info I want from my fav tech if your others are going to be so stingy with info. So here's the news I got:
Right: 16mm, 14.5mm, 13.5mm, 11, and a 7.5mm (((Yesterday I was only told I had three - 11.5, 11, and 10))
Left: 16.5mm, 13.5mm, 9.5mm, 8.5mm, and 8mm. (((Yesterday I was only told a 14.5mm)))
So it's as if I went from only four follies to ten! Big difference! And I learned my lining is triple stripped now and 8.3 (up from 6.5 on Tuesday)
Now I keep repeating the mantra "Quality over Quantity" but I can't help but compare to last cycle and at this point (actually a day earlier) I already had 15 follies over 8mm. Today I only have 9 over 8mm. SIGH.
But I know for quality it's better if they grow slower so those two biggest actually not be that great and I need to focus on getting good eggies. And maybe there are a few more small suckers hiding just waiting to burst forth with growth. But seriously, my fear factor has just jumped since last time I only had 13 retrieved, 11 mature, and nine fertilize all to only get one to blast...I can't help but feel like "If only one made it out of those 13 retrieved...what if I only have like 7 or 8 retrieved?!?!?!" ARGH! I seriously have a love/hate for IVF.
The sheer level of anxiety and worry, mixed with all the hormones, drugs to remember, etc is a lot to take. BUT I am trying to be thankful today as today marked the start of my IVF Stay-cation! 13 days of no work! I can be a big old bloated mess here at home. ((But oddly, I've LOST two lbs this week on stims. Well THAT's different! Only one more lbs to go before I'm back down to my "wedding weight" from five years ago)) Aside from laying around, I plan on tanning outside, reading a lot, and hope to get in visits and lunches with friends and family. Try and make it feel a little more actual vacation rather than medical.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
First Monitoring IVF#2 (after three days of stims)
So I just got back from my first monitoring for ultrasound and blood work. They took five vials of blood this time because aside from the usual they have to do more pre-testing before I get the NK cell intralipid infusion next week.
Right Ovary: 10, 10, 9, and five other follies that were below 7mm.
Left Ovary: 10.5, 7, 7, 7, 7, and three other follies that were below 7mm.
To compare this to last cycle...today I have 8 measurable and another 8 tiny guys = total 16. Last cycle I had nine measurable four little guys at this time = total 13. So today I actually have more visible eggs than last time. But everything is just getting going. Lining is 6.5mm.
I go in again Thursday and I hate Thursday monitoring because my office doesn't have an U/S tech that day so I have to drive an extra half hour to the Buffalo Grove office. AND because the U/S techs are each a little different on what they will show and tell you. I love Roberta at my office. But I will see her Friday so I guess it's OK. And then will have one over the weekend (if not two) which will be all the way out in Highland Park (and hour away) and if you remember from last time...they do "first come first serve" starting at 7am so we have to wake up seriously early and it sucks. But I know in many ways I'm very lucky in that I have an office I can go to four days a week that's just 10 minutes away. I get it. Count my blessings.
I'll update this afternoon with estrogen and any other news when they call.
Right Ovary: 10, 10, 9, and five other follies that were below 7mm.
Left Ovary: 10.5, 7, 7, 7, 7, and three other follies that were below 7mm.
To compare this to last cycle...today I have 8 measurable and another 8 tiny guys = total 16. Last cycle I had nine measurable four little guys at this time = total 13. So today I actually have more visible eggs than last time. But everything is just getting going. Lining is 6.5mm.
I go in again Thursday and I hate Thursday monitoring because my office doesn't have an U/S tech that day so I have to drive an extra half hour to the Buffalo Grove office. AND because the U/S techs are each a little different on what they will show and tell you. I love Roberta at my office. But I will see her Friday so I guess it's OK. And then will have one over the weekend (if not two) which will be all the way out in Highland Park (and hour away) and if you remember from last time...they do "first come first serve" starting at 7am so we have to wake up seriously early and it sucks. But I know in many ways I'm very lucky in that I have an office I can go to four days a week that's just 10 minutes away. I get it. Count my blessings.
I'll update this afternoon with estrogen and any other news when they call.
Friday, May 23, 2014
Baseline IVF#2 Stats and the HGH Clusterfuck
First off: THE STATS (Will be going back to compare to last IVF cycle baseline in Sept after I type this)
AFC: 20 (9 on Left, 11 on Right)
E2: 63 (They want it below 100)
FSH: 9 (They wand it below 12)
LH: 2 (Want it less than 7)
P4: 0.4 (want it less than 1.0)
Since all the numbers are good I will be starting meds as planned tomorrow.
MED DOSES: INJECTS: 150 Follistim, 150 menopur, 0.3 Saizen HGH
ORAL: Dexamethason, baby asprin, CoQ10, and pre-nats
Next Monitoring? Tuesday May 27th
Est. ER & ET: June 5th and June 8th for 3dt
My baseline was this morning and I figure "everything is going according to plan" as I stopped suppression meds on Sunday, got AF on Wednesday so today is day three for baseline. But I brought in my HGH (human growth hormone) med because it's the one I've never used in the past and couldn't figure out how I'd inject it. So I thought my nurses could instruct me. I pulled out what the pharmacy had special ordered for me and confused the hell out of my nurses.
AFC: 20 (9 on Left, 11 on Right)
E2: 63 (They want it below 100)
FSH: 9 (They wand it below 12)
LH: 2 (Want it less than 7)
P4: 0.4 (want it less than 1.0)
Since all the numbers are good I will be starting meds as planned tomorrow.
MED DOSES: INJECTS: 150 Follistim, 150 menopur, 0.3 Saizen HGH
ORAL: Dexamethason, baby asprin, CoQ10, and pre-nats
Next Monitoring? Tuesday May 27th
Est. ER & ET: June 5th and June 8th for 3dt
My baseline was this morning and I figure "everything is going according to plan" as I stopped suppression meds on Sunday, got AF on Wednesday so today is day three for baseline. But I brought in my HGH (human growth hormone) med because it's the one I've never used in the past and couldn't figure out how I'd inject it. So I thought my nurses could instruct me. I pulled out what the pharmacy had special ordered for me and confused the hell out of my nurses.
The pharm ordered me an "easy click pen" Which is if someone was taking the whole 8.8iu at once as one injection. I'm supposed to be taking it over the course of five days. There is no way to do it with this pen. My nurses were like "see if the pharm can crack the pen open for you" AND the amount of diluent in the pen is not the same amount needed...I need .25cc more as it only has 1.5 and I need 1.75. So my nurse said "ask for a 2cc vial of bacro water". I asked "If they don't have it, can I just use the extra diluent I have for menopur?" and she said YES.
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| The "easy click" pen I McGyver'ed open to get the vial out at the far left all encased in sealed plastic |
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| The meds I should have gotten |
I went to the pharmacy and A) they don't have diluent water vials there and B) They wouldn't crack the pen open for fear of damaging the vial. Since I work at that Tar.get I went and found a flat head screw driver and cracked it open myself (SCORE!) and came home to dilute it with my stuff. I want to get all three of my injects set to take to work tomorrow (I have to take them at night and I start work at 4pm tomorrow). Only after I did it - the med had white foaming bubbles (I swirled, not shaken the meds per instructions). Then I noticed the diluent for menopur is sodium chloride - and I was like OMG is that the same as the bacro water? Did I just waste a $700 drug?! A quick google search makes it seem like mixing HGH with sodium chloride is common, but no mention of the white foam I'm seeing. The foam filled up 80% of the little vial! Thick white foam!
Thankfully my nurse called back, said she understood if I did not feel comfortable taking it and as luck would have it, she had one she could donate to me from some who had a canceled cycle. She said it was a Godsend because they *never* have this drug to donate, because it's not like FSH drugs where you order a little more just in case. This drug is "take this and throw out" (as it's not good 14 days after mixing the two).
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
No title comes to mind - mishmash
First off - let me say my last post about Mother's Day... Boy was this year different than all the rest. Jokes on me I guess. I had made it through all those other Mothers Days as if it was just another day, only maybe slightly sadder than any other day. This year? Yeah - I did have the first cry on the holiday ever. I honestly believe if I had been home and not around people that were not family I would have been fine. But working the early hours of Mothers Day at Target? Yeah, that SUCKED!!!! I figured "oh, it will be really quiet as people will be at church or brunch or family plans for the day." Tons of fathers and or sons are massive last minute shoppers! AND nice bastards that they are, I had a few ask if I was a mother. The first one who asked, I said "Just a mother of angels" and started to tear up as he said he was sorry and wished me a happy mothers day.
Knife - heart. Stab....twist.
So the next few, I simply said no as it was easier. And then when a co-worker friend of mine asked why I was in a bad mood I went off on him. "Why?!? Because it's mother's day and I should be seven months pregnant celebrating my miracle and instead Jennyfer gets the day off 'cause she *is* a mom and I have to work surrounded by women enjoying their day or people buying things to celebrates moms. And what do I get? Just reminders that all I have is dead babies." Que ugly crying. At work. Kill me. Just kill me. But, I took a few minutes in my office, cleaned myself up and finished the day at 3pm. Came home and felt fine. Went to dinner with MIL and SIL and family and felt fine. It really was the situation I believe. But no matter what, next year if I am not a mom and still working at Target? I'm taking that damn day off as a mental health day that is for fucking sure.
House Hunting....well we found another house. That I liked more than the first one we put an offer in on. And were outbid. It took four days of them dragging it out to finally hear that yeah, there was a higher offer...they were just using us as "back up" if it falls through. Bastards, you could have been more forthcoming. Oh well. So back to the drawing board of searching.
IVF - what to hear how out of it I am? I accidentally didn't realize that when I donated my left over follistim after my first IVF (because we thought we'd never be able to afford to cycle again) that I gave away the applicator pen too. So here I sit, ready to start injections this Saturday only to realize I have no way to get the drugs into my body. Thank goodness I realized it today, emailed my nurse, and they have an applicator pen laying around the office. Whew. I thought I was going to have to beg one of the #75strong to overnight me the darn applicator pen or call pharmacies like mad tomorrow. But yeah, baseline is Friday. Meds start Saturday. I'll update stats after baseline.
With all the stress of the home buying and upcoming IVF - I'm totally lazy not wanting to cook. Anyone else? I feel like others (on the boards and FB) seem to eat out or not cook anywhere nears as often as we do (we cook at least six nights a week). So I'm feeling guilty that I don't want to cook tonight, esp. since I didn't cook last Friday and I want to go out to dinner this Friday. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get over the guilt eventually....
Knife - heart. Stab....twist.
So the next few, I simply said no as it was easier. And then when a co-worker friend of mine asked why I was in a bad mood I went off on him. "Why?!? Because it's mother's day and I should be seven months pregnant celebrating my miracle and instead Jennyfer gets the day off 'cause she *is* a mom and I have to work surrounded by women enjoying their day or people buying things to celebrates moms. And what do I get? Just reminders that all I have is dead babies." Que ugly crying. At work. Kill me. Just kill me. But, I took a few minutes in my office, cleaned myself up and finished the day at 3pm. Came home and felt fine. Went to dinner with MIL and SIL and family and felt fine. It really was the situation I believe. But no matter what, next year if I am not a mom and still working at Target? I'm taking that damn day off as a mental health day that is for fucking sure.
House Hunting....well we found another house. That I liked more than the first one we put an offer in on. And were outbid. It took four days of them dragging it out to finally hear that yeah, there was a higher offer...they were just using us as "back up" if it falls through. Bastards, you could have been more forthcoming. Oh well. So back to the drawing board of searching.
IVF - what to hear how out of it I am? I accidentally didn't realize that when I donated my left over follistim after my first IVF (because we thought we'd never be able to afford to cycle again) that I gave away the applicator pen too. So here I sit, ready to start injections this Saturday only to realize I have no way to get the drugs into my body. Thank goodness I realized it today, emailed my nurse, and they have an applicator pen laying around the office. Whew. I thought I was going to have to beg one of the #75strong to overnight me the darn applicator pen or call pharmacies like mad tomorrow. But yeah, baseline is Friday. Meds start Saturday. I'll update stats after baseline.
With all the stress of the home buying and upcoming IVF - I'm totally lazy not wanting to cook. Anyone else? I feel like others (on the boards and FB) seem to eat out or not cook anywhere nears as often as we do (we cook at least six nights a week). So I'm feeling guilty that I don't want to cook tonight, esp. since I didn't cook last Friday and I want to go out to dinner this Friday. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get over the guilt eventually....
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Thoughts on Mothers Day
So for many IF and Loss women, Mothers Day is really tough.
And I get it. I do. I've survived four of them since starting TTC. It's hard. But here's the thing for me. It's not unbearable. For 30 years of my life, Mothers Day was about celebrating my mom. We didn't live near relatives, so there was nothing we did other than celebrate my mom. And we didn't go over the top. In many ways - it was a day like any other Sunday. Except that we'd have picked out a gift especially for mom and a card. And we'd try to be a little nicer, a little more thankful. And so when I was an adult and moved far away - the day was still similar. I'd call, having sent a gift and card. But much of the day was an ordinary Sunday in May. So why should it now have so much more meaning?
These past five years, sure I've thought "I'll be celebrating mother's day myself next year" full of hope for the future. But I keep coming more and more to terms that it may not be true. That next year could be just like this one. No child in my arms - only next year it would be the realization that it really is never happening. But I think (*think* being the operative word here) that it will be ok. Because I have not built it up so much. It's a brunch with MIL and SIL. Or remembering to get my mom's pedicure set up. It's just another hallmark holiday people.
The bigger picture is what saddens me. The never hearing that first laugh. Or seeing them in their first halloween costume that they picked out themselves. Or putting bandaids on their boo-boos. Their first day of school. Their first date. Etc. Etc. Etc. It's the nothingness that extends beyond a day a year but every day of every year for the rest of my life. And yes, I've been trying to come to terms with that the last two years. The nothingness of it all. And I'm making baby steps.
But I think that biggest step can't be taken or even really grasped until the final decision is made. The "this is the end" moment of treatment. Because I still have that hope we don't get there. But I'm trying to become as prepared as I guess is possible for someone.
But above all - I know that everyone handles everything in their own way. So if you're having a hard week. Or if Sunday you're trying to get through the day without big ugly crying. That's OK. Do what ever you have to do. But for me, I remember the last four years being a little sad here and there - but mainly just another day.
And I get it. I do. I've survived four of them since starting TTC. It's hard. But here's the thing for me. It's not unbearable. For 30 years of my life, Mothers Day was about celebrating my mom. We didn't live near relatives, so there was nothing we did other than celebrate my mom. And we didn't go over the top. In many ways - it was a day like any other Sunday. Except that we'd have picked out a gift especially for mom and a card. And we'd try to be a little nicer, a little more thankful. And so when I was an adult and moved far away - the day was still similar. I'd call, having sent a gift and card. But much of the day was an ordinary Sunday in May. So why should it now have so much more meaning?
These past five years, sure I've thought "I'll be celebrating mother's day myself next year" full of hope for the future. But I keep coming more and more to terms that it may not be true. That next year could be just like this one. No child in my arms - only next year it would be the realization that it really is never happening. But I think (*think* being the operative word here) that it will be ok. Because I have not built it up so much. It's a brunch with MIL and SIL. Or remembering to get my mom's pedicure set up. It's just another hallmark holiday people.
The bigger picture is what saddens me. The never hearing that first laugh. Or seeing them in their first halloween costume that they picked out themselves. Or putting bandaids on their boo-boos. Their first day of school. Their first date. Etc. Etc. Etc. It's the nothingness that extends beyond a day a year but every day of every year for the rest of my life. And yes, I've been trying to come to terms with that the last two years. The nothingness of it all. And I'm making baby steps.
But I think that biggest step can't be taken or even really grasped until the final decision is made. The "this is the end" moment of treatment. Because I still have that hope we don't get there. But I'm trying to become as prepared as I guess is possible for someone.
But above all - I know that everyone handles everything in their own way. So if you're having a hard week. Or if Sunday you're trying to get through the day without big ugly crying. That's OK. Do what ever you have to do. But for me, I remember the last four years being a little sad here and there - but mainly just another day.
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