Getting Something off my chest

Can I say that the trend the last few years (I'd say the last three it's become so much more prevalent) of sanctimommies and articles to that fact annoy me?  If you don't know what a sanctimommy is here is the STFU website's definition of it:   parents explaining parenting to their childless friends.
And they do it in such a way as to be making a show of being morally superior to others (specifically us childless people).  

I just saw something pop up on my feed...a Huffington Post article called "5 Reasons I love my husband more after having a child".  Now I'm sure many women *DO* feel this way, but it's the trend of how it comes across - as if those of us without children can't possibly love our husbands as much or even understand the love - because of our lack of child.  PLEASE.  

Guess what?  That's just what YOU went through to strengthen your love.  It doesn't mean it's the only thing.  I have friend's going through and bravely fighting cancer - I bet facing that down by each others side has strengthened their love.  I know couples that made it through their child's untimely death - I bet that struggle sad and unique as it is can make you see and love your spouse in a different light.

As for me...the years of shooting myself with injection after injection and Jeff being in awe of my strength and resolve to *try* to have a child might be as strong as this article's author's husband's admiration for how hard it is to be a mother of a new born.  Jeff caring for me and being at my side during the hours of miscarrying our son - might mirror how her husband was at during her labor...only hers ended in joy and ours was cloaked in sadness.  Doesn't make the love less down-to-your-core amazing and help you fall further in love with your spouse.  

I guess what I'm ranting at - is do not belittle or undermine the sheer amount of different experiences each individual couple may go through, or each human has simply because it's not yours.  I truly do believe this woman has fallen further in love with her husband because of their child...but I have fallen in love more because of our lack of one.   One is not "more" than the other.  

*PLEASE NOTE - I'M NOT SAYING THIS ABOUT ANY OF MY FRIENDS THIS IS MORE THE ARTICLES OR NEWS STORIES TO THIS EFFECT.

And on that same trend...here is a clip from NBC's Tamron Hall trying to explain this thought on a broader scale of sanctimommies and how us without children are "less than" in their eyes.  I don't know if this will work - but if not go HERE

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Time for Us

So I have a friend, well really just someone I was friendly with in high school (we were never really close) that is going through IF and semi-open with it on FB.  I have reached out to her through private message to cheer her on and explain some treatments but I know after three IUIs nothing has worked.  She had a status this week of "I just need a vacation from my life!" and I commented that in the past five years I have found that it *IS* needed even if only for 24 hours to get the hell out of dodge.

Some people may say "but Kati, you don't understand - we don't have the money."  Trust me find a way.  If you can borrow a tent and pack some food - go camping (basically free except for gas).  If you have a friend three hours away - agree to a visit down there.  Search out groupon or hotel sites for fire sale cheap deals.  Just do anything you can to at least twice a year for at least 24 hours get out and enjoy time for the two of you (with or without friends).  This is what I firmly believed help Jeff and I make it through.

And in that spirit - now that we have more money since we spent several years paying down debt, getting promotions, and finally being done keeping as much money as we can find for treatment we're stepping it up damn it!

This weekend we are heading out to a casino in Michigan.  Sure just a 36 hour get away but we're really looking forward to it as it's something we enjoy together.  Spending all that time together for the car trip, dining, a king size bed (aahhhh) and the laughs we have along the way will be worth it!

And we are planning a trip to Vegas in the spring.  Now, I know earlier in the year I said I wanted our next vacation to not be gambling.  But we agreed if we got the house we wouldn't have a vacation this year.  And we're not.  It's NEXT year people, and hell we just both decided we really want to go back so screw it if most of our vacations are gambling.

PLUS we will have a non-gambling vacation next year too.  My cousin was supposed to get married in Miami in April...but they've now decided to have a destination wedding in Puerto Rico with only bridal party and close family so we're off the hook (this is when we decided to go to Vegas instead).  My dad however was sad this meant we wouldn't have the opportunity for a family vacation (we've not had one since I was 22ish) and he had been working on getting us all to spend a whole week in a house rental for the wedding.  My brain kicked into high gear (since I know my dad was jealous of the family vacation we took with Jeff's side four years ago) and I said "Barb's parents own that house in Lake in the Ozarks - why don't we see if we could rent that out?"

It's perfect because it has enough space for us 6 adults and three grandkids.  It's on the water.  It's between my parents in OK, and my brother and I in Illinois.  AND Barb's parents agreed to rent it to us in mid June for five days for $800 - so less than $270 per family.  We can split costs of food to cook in the kitchen and maybe go out just once or twice.  We could rent a pontoon.  Overall MUCH cheaper than my dad's house and flights to Florida.   This is totally stuff up my dad's alley, while we all agreed we were not thrilled with the idea of Miami during spring break - as we're not beach people and hell - we're not college kids.  While he pouted a bit (because he likes to do the planning and I've put everything together for it) but he's come around to appreciate that we will indeed have a family vacation - the first in 15 years.  Yes, we will all get together for Christmas in Oklahoma this year (they get every other year).  But a real, out of our homes, vacation together.

I know IF brain makes a lot of you think "we can't plan that far ahead" and I totally get it. (We thought if we got KU from the June IVF I couldn't go to Miami.)  But seriously ladies still going through it.  Find a weekend in the next few months, even if it is to go see the leaves changing color somewhere and a little bed and breakfast.  And get the hell out of dodge for a day!

The House Debacle (Catching Up)

So...if you were reading my blog in April and May you know that we searched through about 20 house tours (and countless online listings) and put offers in on five houses.  The first one we couldn't negotiate a price after a week of back and forth from the home owner (short sale).  Two we were out bid on.  One when we heard there was four other offers we simply withdrew our bid the same day.  And the fifth was excepted straight up the day we offered.  All but the house we withdrew on are short sales - because in our area and price range that's simply what's available.  Two out of 20 house were  not short sales, one was foreclosure.  (Welcome to one of the fastest growing area's during the housing boom of the late 90's and early 2000's!)

We put the bid on what I've now come to think of as "Our house" May 30th.

Isn't it so cute??

I was told by someone (can't remember who anymore) that in 2010-11 - short sales took about 9 months.  And in 2012 as they became more common it took around 6 months.  I was told the last year; it takes about three to four months.  So I figured come end of August we would be looking towards a closing date.

Yeah, no.  So the short sale mortgage was originally held by Bank of America (dumbasses).  Unbeknown to us, *our house* was in a large group that they then sold to a smaller bank and it went through on August 1st.  So now we have to start from scratch with the new bank.  I asked a friend "Why would they do this when here we sit perfectly happy to pay them money for it?!?"  He explained - Say BoA has 400 houses that are all upside down and/or up for short sale.  Each house has a mortgage worth $250k and are short sale listed around $200K. They have 100 million wrapped up in these houses that people are no longer paying on their mortgages.  Sure they could wait out all the short sales and headaches and get 80 million of it but that will take time and their balance sheet keeps looking crappy.  But say a smaller bank says "Hey, we'll pay you 60 million for those homes and we'll deal with the headache!"  BoA balance sheet starts to look better for them in the short term and the little bank wins because in the end they'll make a profit.

Arial shot of deck and HUGE yard (play set will be gone)
Trees are much more mature as this was taken years ago

OK - at least that I get.  But I want my house NOW!  So if the clock started over Aug 1st.  And people are saying it will be faster* now that it's not with BoA who is notoriously slow that still puts the average 3 month time frame at around Halloween with a closing date after Thanksgiving!  Ugh.  At this rate I just hope we're in there by Christmas.  (Let me tell you I do NOT want to decorate this place only to pack it and decorate the house.  Putting up Christmas once takes time.  Doing it twice in one year? No thanks.

But seriously - since it's already been 3 months already - I'm totally moved in in my mind!  I've been through it three times (Once before offer in May, One in June for inspection, and once in early Aug so my mom could see it).  We have a mental list of what gets fixed or painted asap (all appliances and first floor), what we hope to do in first year (hard wood floors on first level and paint all of second level) and what can wait more than a year (finish half basement, new backsplash and countertops in kitchen etc).  I've been internet window shopping for appliances and furniture, daydreaming of color schemes for paint and curtains, pinteresting on backyard fire pits and maintenance for deck.  This is OUR HOUSE.

My dad after the latest update was like "OMG, I could NEVER buy a house this way!"  Yeah? Well give us another 50k and we could look at houses that are not short sale!  Thankfully our townhouse we've lived in these past six and a half years the landlord loves us and is willing to give us a 60 day out clause (which we've now had in place since May 1st) so there's no rush except the desire to just get in there already!

Recap - Mom's Visit

So one of the last things that happened in my two plus month of not blogging was my mom's visit.
*Next blog will be on the drama that is trying to buy a short sale house*

First let me say originally they planned for my mom to come out in mid August because I would have just given birth and how nice it would be to have my mom here to visit, help clean and cook etc.  Well obviously so early in a pregnancy it was only vaguely mentioned.  After the miscarriage it wasn't mention for months.  But as my mom's retirement drew closer she said she had told my father for her retirement - she didn't want some extravagant vacation (they went on an adventure to Yosemite after my dad retired)...she just wanted to see her babies.  And my dad said she was coming to visit for 10 days.  Ummm WHAT? I love my mom but that's tons of time!  I nicely planted seed of thought that it was too long - and she needed to see my brother too.  So it was finally decided she'd arrive Aug. 8th and spend five days with me and on the sixth day I would drive her down to my brothers to spend four days with his clan before heading home (my dad drove up to my brothers so I could spend 20 hours with him - and he could drive her home.)

First ever Mom and Me selfie at Polish Thanksgiving

First let me tell you of the "stab twist" moment that happened with my dad.  My dad has been one of my biggest supporters when it came to me being an infertility advocate.  And when I share articles, petitions, or friend's trying to get their adoption profile shared - he's the first (and often only one) to do so.  But when it comes to loss - well he seems to not use his brain.  At all.  As I said, when I first learned I was PG he was going to come up (after a few days from my mom flying in) to meet his grandchild.  Once months past and plans changed, he informed me he wouldn't be coming up here with my mom.  Because "If you had a kid, it would be worth it."  Stab. Twist.  Now, I understand because of my dad's health and weight he can't fly (He's too embarrassed to admit that he's too big to fit in one seat anymore) and because of his bad knees, COPD, and emphysema that he can't drive long distances anymore - but hell they are both retired!  You're telling me they couldn't take two or even three days to drive the 12 hours to my house since he can't do it in one day anymore?  Oh - he could if I had a kid...but since I'm now living childless yeah no.  He'll settle for 20 hours of seeing me at my brother's with his three grandchildren.   But I digress.  I'm trying to move past this pain.

On day one, I took my mom to see the house we're trying to buy through short sale (will update on this next blog).  The next day was Polish Thanksgiving at my In Laws.   Sunday was brunch and her visiting with her best friend from when they lived here for five hours.  Monday I had to work til 3 - then we went for a walk down by the river.  Tuesday we went to downtown Chicago to visit Millenium Park and the Art Institute.

Mom at the "bean" in Millennium Park

 Wednesday we drove the 4 hours to my brothers.  It was a nice visit.  And since I talk to my parents 3-5 times a week I feel very connected...but dude I was happy to have my house back to just us two after that.  I agree with that comedian that said family visits should last 3-4 days...because like fish left out too long it starts to rot and stink up the house.  There is such a thing as too much togetherness when you're used to no visitors.

This is my favorite painting at Chicago's Art Institute.  It may not be as well known as others, but Gustave Calliebonte's "Paris Street Rainy Day" has always spoken to me.

Mom about to enjoy her Pineapple Martini when we took her out to Bonefish Grill to celebrate her retirement after 42 years as a nurse.

Second selfie of the trip - Our reflections in the inside of the bean.

I love looking up when in the center of the Bean.  So funky.

Looking Back - EED Aug 7th

Continuing to catch y'all up on the last few months since I've been gone - I owe it to myself and my little boy to talk about how his estimated due date went.

First I'll say I was dreading it, like I'm sure any loss mother feels.  But I also knew that my edd changed several times in the few weeks I was pregnant - based on online calculators vs how FETs work and my doctors.  So I was never really given a single "this is the day" - so I kind of thought of that whole week but had decided I would take the middle day of all the dates I was told and make it my unofficial EDD.  That was Aug.7th.

Since my mother was coming to visit the next day, I had spent a whole week super cleaning our townhouse but made a schedule specifically so that I could have the 7th to fall apart if needed and everything would be already done by then.

As I had with my first loss's EDD, I wanted to go out and photograph the beauty in the world as a visual memorial for the day my child should have been born.  I had decided that I would take my favorite picture or two from each of those two days and once we get our house, frame and hang them in one of the guest bedrooms.  To others - it will just be beautiful nature shots.  But to me it will have a special place in my heart.

I went to five different locations to take pictures.  All overlooking water - for some reason these types of places have always been the most soothing to me.  Since last time I had spent a good portion of my time sitting and crying, I expected the same.  But every place I went there were people; it was just too beautiful a day to not be out enjoying it I guess.  And finally, at the last location I found myself alone.  So I sat down and thought about my lost child, and all the dreams that couldn't be realized because he was not to be.  And yes, finally a few cathartic tears feel.  But more than that - I found myself at peace.  A little sad, sure.  But nothing like I had thought would be coming.

The serenity of just sitting there, looking out over the water - remembering that it was no one's "fault" - -that it just was.  Taking a few deep breaths I realized I was doing pretty good.  As I've told my mother - I'm sure New Years will be hard on me as that's the day I physically passed my son, and that these past nine months I've had hard days (mother's day came to mind)...but I feel I'm handling the loss - and subsequent moving forward child free better than I expected.  And that knowing.  Knowing that I was mentally doing well, knowing that Jeff and I have come out of the darkness of infertility and loss closer and stronger for it.  Well, I just can't describe the peace.  But I then headed home.  Feeling I had honored my son and that he in turn had given me that beautiful day.  A day filled with sunshine and very little tears.  And for the rest of the day I just held on to the remembrance of love and hope I had when I did have him in my life.  

 

 

 

Quick Look Back - July/Founders

So since I missed out on the last two months the next few posts will be a little catch up.
First up?  July.

It started out pretty good, in that my best friend Brit was visiting from Georgia.  As a mom of two small kids, I know her time here can't be just us so we agreed on one of my days off to meet at Costco and then go to a park for the kids to play (Ah the excitement parents have LOL).  Upon walking up to them in the store - first words out of her daughter's mouth "Do you have kids?"  I saw the looks of "Aw geez, I'm so sorry" on my friend's face.  But I get it.  Her daughter (5) has seen me about twice a year for the last several years but only for an afternoon here or there.  I can't expect a five year old to remember I don't have children.  And let's all infertiles admit,  while that comment is hard to get from other adults - it's actually not that hard to get from kids.  Sad maybe yes, but not hard because they are content with the quick simple answer of "No, sweetie I'm sorry I don't."  She was simply hoping for more friends to play with but quickly changed her attention.  And really, it was the first time in those first two weeks of finally knowing we were living child free forever that someone asked.  So I'm glad it came from a child I know and love and not from an adult stranger with some of the connotations that can come with it (are you one of those "selfish adults"?  WHY don't you have kids?  WHEN will you have kids? Or just the "advice" or anecdotes that comes from almost all strangers when you explain you have infertility and are now moving on child free.)  It let me say it out loud, have an inner smile that I was proud I said it and didn't feel a tear coming and move on.

Oh, and can we pause on that for a second?  The adults that DON'T let it go and just HAVE to ask a follow up question or add their advice or anecdote?  I heard just this weekend, after I said "No, after five years, two miscarriage, and about $30,000 that we're done.  No more trying."  One friend said "Are you going to try and adopt?" And once again I explained it takes another 10K (at least) and a year or more and again could lead to nothing and I'm just too emotionally and financially spent for that.  A second friend had to give a story of her SIL that adopted and feels she never bonded with the child "correctly" and she believes this is now why they have problems (instead of oh IDK - that she sounds like a typical teenager?).  Why tell me this?  It came off as her way of saying it's a good thing we're not adopting.  What she doesn't realize is there is a part of me that wishes we were 5 years younger, had not spent that last 10K on IVF and had gone for adoption.  But I can't turn back time or get my money back so it's moot.  Or that I have several friends that were either adopted themselves or adopted their child and have great relationships so this is just an isolated tale that in her mind should "ease" my mind - yet it doesn't?  But I've never been a person to live in a "Should have, could have" mentality so I let it go.  I know it was probably just that she didn't know what to say and this is what popped into her head so I'll forgive her.

Jeff and I on the 4th of July

Ben and Carter

But anyway, so I had a nice visit with Brit.  And another day we all got together on her parents beach to celebrate the 4th of July.  After the kids went to get bathes and go to bed - some fun old stories came out.  Good laughs.  A truely nice 4th in all it's Americana glory.  Here are some shots from that day.

Ellie with her Flag

Lauren and Addy

Then the end of the month was Founders.  Anyone that follows me knows about putting on our town's Fest.  Almost a week of volunteering and drinking.  And again it was a blast.  And while it's then our fifth anniversary of TTC, and I should have been 9 months PG I was able to almost forget all that for the wonderful time.  My friend (One of the #75strong) that has put together an art exhibit called The ART of IF is expanding it now that it will be traveling (To the California Resolve Walk of Hope, Arizona's and hopefully DC and more).  She asked us Chicagoland gals if she could come photograph us.  The weekend she was doing this was Founders.  She thought it was a great opportunity because she has me as making an impact on our community by helping out with this.  But I do feel bad that I was not able to really spend time with her, or get shots of my doing anything other than standing around while the parade went on because of how busy we were.  But if you get a chance to see her exhibit (or follow her exhibit on FB) here is one of the shots she took of me. And some other pics from the fest that I took.

Me downtown Algonquin just off the parade route

Crowd listening to band

Hiding from the rain

Barb, me and Lauren

Barb's daughters & my youngest nephew

                


All in all a very fun month, while learning to get my head around the idea of moving forward from IF and loss.

Didja miss me?

So last blog was about two months ago and only a week or so after my last failed IVF.  And then my computer cord died and I've been stuck to my cell phone for internet connection.  While it sort of sucks, it's amazing how much you can get on just your phone.  But blog writing?  Yeah....not with my thumbs.  Well I finally got off my lazy butt and ordered a new cord and it arrived today.  So....



I have some catching up to do, but for tonight I will just be enjoying the large screen and full keyboard of laptop time.  I promise to come back and fill you all in on Founders Day, how my EDD (Estimated Due Date) for baby Juicer went on Aug. 7th, my Mom's visit, our on going attempt to buy a short sale house, and just general "how's life?" after choosing to move forward child free.

For now I will just leave you with this...if you thought I wasn't posting because of depression, you were wrong.  I myself am finding myself surprised at just how OK I've been these past two plus months.  Sure there have been ups and downs and it's not all roses.  But seriously, I wasn't sure what "after" would look like for us and the answer is:  Pretty much what before looked like.  Only without the worry and stress that IF had.  See you soon.