My own Doppleganger

So DH and I are sitting here watching repeats of How I Met Your Mother, and it's the episode where Lily says she and Marshal can't start TTC until they see the final doppelganger of their group - Barney's.  At the end of the episode, Ted is telling Robin how much they've all changed in the five years since they met her and said, "Look we've all been searching for the five doppelgangers, right? But eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgangers, you know, these completely different people who just happen to look like us. "  And I have to say I am totally my own Doppelganger! 

Five years ago, I looked almost exactly the same... but Dec. 2006 I was working in television in Milwaukee. I had been single for about nine months after the end of a rebound relationship to get over another guy. I was convinced I would never find love. In fact I had told my friend if I hadn't met "the man of my dreams" by the time I was 35, I would you ART and donor sperm to have a kid! And had even started researching the costs online because I thought I'd have to save up over the next few years (was happy to learn it was more affordable then I thought). How funny life turns out, as I am getting ready for round three of ART with my husband of two and a half years.

I met Jeff six months before Dec. 2006, but just in passing as my BFF said "that's the guy I said you're going to marry."  I thought he looked a little "old".  LOL.  Then in mid Dec. she invited him out for my 29th birthday.  We had our first dance & first kiss that night.  And I thought he liked me...but he didn't ask for my number and weeks went by so I forgot about him again.  And just six months from then - the last weekend in June '07 we will meet again; and that time we'd never be apart again!  In between our first kiss and first actual date - I dated two other guys briefly, (*now referred to as drunk kid and poet boy) as well as had nine first dates in June from a dating website.  Man, am I glad I saw what was wrong with those eleven guys!!   They were not my true love...my Jeff.  My other half. 

But yes, I think I might still recognize myself even with all the changes if Kati v.2006 were to run into Kati v.2011.  The job, the everyday life, the loves....they may all be different now in some ways.  But deep down my doppelganger and I still have a lot in common aside from looks.  I still take baths as often as possible.  I still like to laugh in a relationship more than anything.  I still think the three greatest foods ever invented are cheese, bacon, and peanut butter.  And I still believe I was put on this earth to be a mom.  I hope that five years from now I can look back at this time in my life, but with a four year old in my lap - and laugh at how again I am my own doppelganger.  And at all the ways I've changed....and yet still stayed the same. 

Happy Birthday to me...

Well, it's my Birthday!  I am now 34, *sigh*.  I am one of "those" people who love my birthday.  When I was younger I would start a countdown from about a month away.  As I've gotten older, I only point out to people when it's about a week away.  But yeah, I love being told happy birthday.  I love using the excuse "But it's my birthday" for things like getting out of work, or dishes, or for eating too much. 
Last night was my In Laws annual Christmas party, and she made me feel special by having a small cake (filled with strawberries - YUM) and everyone sang to me and I blew out a candle - anyone wanna take a huge guess on what my wish was?

Well I don't know why the coincidence had to be, but today I saw a few posts on IF vets board that women were mentioning when they were turning 35...the mythical age where fertility starts to really go downhill.  As if my egg reserve knows the date or something! Ha.  But still...now I've spent part of MY DAY thinking how this is the last "good" year I have left.  WTH?  I know there are plenty of women using treatments to have a child after 35.  And my AFC is fine.  Why should a number make a difference?  But it does.  Stupid statistics crapping on my day. 

But let's talk about why my day has been awesome.  Jeff took me to Reese's for breakfast as requested.  I had the "Eggs Bennedict Katie"...which DH swears they invented for me because it's regular bacon instead of Canadian bacon and the owner knows us well.  (The other variations were not named after people, but locations.)  Then we stopped for Eggnog Lattes on the way home.  I've been able to lay around all day because I was able to get someone to work for me at the last possible moment last night before I left work.  And tonight one of my BFFs arrives in town from Georgia for the holidays.  She wants to get together for "mocktails" since she's KU.  And quite frankly I had sooooo much to drink last night I am happy to make mine a "mock" as well.  AND my college roommate who has been stationed in Germany the last three years is moving back to USA for her new assignment, and is in Chicagoland this week visiting her in laws.  I get to have dinner with her tomorrow and meet her two children -ages two and a half (Guillian) and 14 months (Sean).  I have not seen her since May 2008 so I'm super excited.  

And finally,  my gifts.  Jeff had heard my constant complaining the last few months about my crappy phone and got me a smart phone that he let me pick out Friday night so that it'd be perfect.  I picked the Blackberry Curve 9350 because of two factors - the full keyboard and battery life.  After only being able to call and text....this thing is so cool!  I spent my breaks at work yesterday bumping & looking at facebook.  And last night at the party I played around with the camera on it.  I think this will also be my new camera as it appears to take photos just as well (even though my camera is 8megapixels and the phone is only 5). 

My parents got me a Victoria's Secret gift card because I had complained to my mother how I desperately need new bras but just have not spent money on clothes for myself in well... four years almost - since I left my career with the great salary.  I just feel like we never have the money for it now, and don't want to be selfish.  But I will have so much fun on Tuesday getting two new ones and maybe a few pairs of panties. 

And my brother got me a beautiful sterling silver necklace at the length I asked for to help cover my thyroid scar.  After a year and a half, it's not fading as fast as I'd like.  And sadly - the necklace turns out to be about a half inch too short.  Maybe I can find some way to extend it?  Or buy some kick ass charm to cover it?  Because I am really tired of it staring back at me from any picture of us.  I'm sure it's not as noticeable to others but, yeah...it can be hidden. 
So my birthday time is just what I wanted.  Filled with friends & family.  So what if I'm now 34?  So far, the age has been good to me!  Here's to hoping the rest of the year is just as good!

My emotional suit of armor broke yesterday

So it turns out I am not as strong as I thought.  I have prided myself on how well I've handled IF for the past year and a half (TTC 29 months, 36 cycles). I only POAS about one in three or four cycles.  I've only cried over BFNs three times in the past year.  I work surrounded by pregnant women, babies & children five days a week without it getting to me.  I never cry over silly reasons...only have I cried over a BFNs, one of my friends announcing pregnancy, and tear up at weddings etc. I thought I was so strong.  WRONG! 
Yesterday one of my 3T lovlies (sbrowns) posted about how old a child she would have if her first IUI had worked.  I honestly had not thought about that for a long time.  If I had gotten KU the first cycle of TTC we would have a 19 month old toddler.  If I had gotten PG off our first IUI I would be like 38 weeks PG.  Ouch.  Just then, as I was thinking about this my SIL responded back to a text I had sent her the night before about my nephews christmas gifts.  Since it took her over 12 hours to respond I had already ordered...only to find out they already had what I had picked out for them.  I got upset.  Like really upset.  Then I realized why I was so upset. 
It's not because I'm out the $10 in shipping costs, or that these kids are spoiled.  It's because for the past  12 years I have been enjoying part of Christmas through the eyes of my five nephews.  I take pride in the time & effort I put into thinking about their personalities, current interests, etc into choosing their gifts.  I love to see the look on their faces and yes, I'll admit - I love being thought of as the coolest aunt.  On my side my nephews have four other aunts.  And on DH's side- two.  So I have lots of competition.  But these past two christmas' it's like I am doing this in part because I don't have a child of my own to shower with presents.  I'm not saying I spoil them.  They only get one to two gifts per child.  And usually it's around $30 per kid.  But it's a very well thought out gift.  I've been compensating for my lack of child. :( 
And so upon realizing this on my way to work I started to cry.  Then I started to scold myself for crying.  Then I felt stupid, both for why I was crying and for scolding myself (like my mother would do to herself - talking to myself in the third person.  ie "Kati, this is so stupid. Stop it right now!).  Now it's only a four mile drive to work so it was a short cry.  But still.  Then when I got to work I saw I was scheduled for 6am on my birthday.  Then I got down right  pissed off!  I was almost glaring at anyone with a bump or child in the store.  *So if you are ever at a target and get a mean looking woman sneering at you...it might be me on a bad day.*  But thankfully after a few hours I calmed down and became myself again.  And even got someone to take the first four hours of the shift on my birthday.  But still...the chink in my armor was there.  For me to see.  I thought I was so good at not letting IF take over my holidays... but I'm not fine.  I'm me.  And even I can't go through this time of year unscathed.

Life without internet...

Some random thoughts.  Life without internet sucks!!  But I get so much more done LOL.  DH informed me on saturday that our internet was down.  We called and were told it was a problem in our neighborhood and would be fixed "in a few days".  So we settled in for a weekend full of *gasp* actually spending full attention time together!  Now, I'm not saying this is new for me & DH.  He is my best friend and no one I'd rather spend time with.  But honestly - we love sitting in the living room with a game on (hockey or football) with out laptops near us.  Me, on the bump, facebook, or pinterest.  And him playing Civ 5 or looking at fantasy football.  We chat, laugh,etc.  But all while plugged in.  This weekend was nice, but I'd like my internet back please. 
Monday came...still no service, still no answers.  I didn't have to work until 11am so I found myself spending my normal internet time cleaning house & doing laundry.   Oh, and curling my hair for work & really going to town on fancy makeup.  Everyone at work laughed that me without internet= more put together & pretty looking Kati. 
And now today.  Ok, I'm really get sick of this!  It's my day off.  House it totally clean.  I am at the library of all places using the free computer use to catch up on my efriends, see if things sold on ebay, etc.  But only for an hour before I have to go back home to my disconnected life.  **Oh, and as I sit here, I'm next to a young mom with her little six month old in a carrier next to me.  Wonder what she thinks if she pears over and sees me looking at blogs with ultrasounds, babies, and Infertility titles all along the tops. LOL.
 So no, I did not fall off the planet.  But it feels like I did!  Hope to be back up and running in a day or two! 

Interesting talk re: literature with my brother

Let me start this by saying my brother is a high school english teacher.  He has a master's in English Lit, specializing in what I don't remember...but I remember he's taken a whole class on Herman Melville for goodness sake!  **You may now proceed to laugh that someone that has as bad of spelling & grammer as myself could have an english teacher with my genes.  Needless to say, he got those good genes and like Danny Devito in TWINS, I got the "left over crap" in that department. 

Last week he posted the following on Facebook:  "All vampire stories are about sex, and escapist romance literature is for people who are unhappy with their sex lives. Twilight novels are romance novels for girls who are afraid of reading about actual sex, and their moms who are either unhappy with their own sex lives, or are enthusiastic that the girl doesn't get "bitten" until she's married. 

To which my aunt replied "hey I read Twilight".  And then my SIL (His WIFE) said she too has read them. **Ha ha Bro!  Now you are in trouble!!!***
So I decided to get a quick laugh so I commented:  "I have never read the books, nor seen the movies.  My suspicions confirmed.  My sex life = awesome!  Love, your little sister"
My dad then commented:  "Kathryn Diane, go to your room!" - Oh good, the whole family is getting in on this fun!

The conversation continued when we were all together for Thanksgiving.  And I find it interesting that he holds to his belief that it's for those that are sexually repressed.  His wife is the daughter of a former nun and is very strictly catholic.  ie no sex before marriage.  And also, can't seem to bring herself to say the word penis out loud. (This in it's self is hilarious to me.  A grown woman!)  So he said, he's not saying they have a bad sex life but he did hold to his opinion that it's for sexually disappointed or repressed women.  He gave Ann Rice's novels some of the same critique. 

I explained that people's choice in books is escapism into something they find interesting.  Example:  I lean mainly toward historical fiction.  And one of my favorites is the Outlander series.  Some feel there is a lot of sex in the book.  But I read other historical fiction that don't.  I read the books for the genre, not the sex scenes!  (BTW, my SIL has read the first book and felt it was "too much" and she was "blushing throughout the book!") 
I believe people who are into more fantasy type books (Angels, Witches, Harry Potter, etc) read them for the fantasy - just as I read for the history.  And not the sex.  He didn't buy this theory. 
And yes, I understand people read more than just one genre...for example I also lean towards criminal thrillers because I would have loved to be a detective or criminal psychologist.  And I don't think people who read fantasy don't read other types of books.  BUT, I don't think a sexually disappointed or repressed person would read Twilight for the sex.  Wouldn't they just read romance novels pure and simple if that's what they were looking for?!?!?  My brother said those are too "upfront" with it...this is a unconscious way of getting what they want. 
Since I have never read the books (and have no desire to honestly) I'm curious...did you read it because you heard it was good? Because of the love story? Because of the fantasy aspect? Or are you sexually repressed or disappointed? LOL, like anyone would admit to that!

I received a blog award this week from Sbrowns08 (AKA HappliyhomeSpun) over at The Pursuit of a Family!

Liebster is the German word for "beloved" or favorite. It is specifically designed for blogs with 200 followers or less. I am overjoyed that she nominated me last week.  And sorry that I've only now gotten around to post about it!  She is the writer of one of my beloved blogs that I have been following this past year.   Check out her page to read about her journey through IF,  starting IVF &  some ideas for staying green, being frugal, or crafty ideas(I'm so jealous she knows how to quilt!). 

I am to pass this on to blogs as well.  Well since Sbrowns already has it, there goes my first choice!  And she also picked Kathy4678 over at her blog which is another one I follow often...so I wanted to highlight these four lovely ladies I've gotten to know more through their blogs (after having "met" on the Bump's 3T.)  They are all at different spots in their journey with IF.

Erin (AKA ClukyE) at Our Jouney to Baby Negs (PG with her first after dealing with IF woohoo!!)
Brook at Invisible Finish Line (Currently breaking from TTC, thinking of living child free)
Scubagirl at Living with IF (Dealing with IF, recent IVF) <3 ((HUGS!!))
and
Hillary over at Wishing, Hoping, Praying (IF treatments on hold, looking to adopt from a birth mom who is 38 weeks PG)

Ladies,  I check your blogs weekly, if not daily, and am glad to be a part of your struggles, triumphs, hope & dreams.  You are "beloved" by the 3T community and me. 

A tour of me: through my Christmas tree

So today I put up our Christmas decorations around the house.  Jeff's family doesn't give each other ornaments like mine so all the stuff is from me; or what we've gotten since getting together.  As I have done since 1981 *when I got it for my 3rd Birthday*...I put on John Denver & The Muppet's Christmas Album (now on iTunes instead of the original record *yes record youngin's!*) and got out all of my ornaments.  I thought it a little sad that I am the only person that knows the stories that connect me to each of them.  My tree is filled with memories!  And every year I love taking the time to take each one out and remember.  So I decided to share some of my trip down memory lane with you, my sweet readers (the few of you out there). 
First off...let me tell you that I collect Penguin stuff.  The earliest penguin ornament I can find has the date of 1986 on it.  Which would make me nine years old.  This would make sense since I started liking penguins in 2nd grade ('84/'85) when I had to pick an animal to write a report on.  So I always take out every ornament and separate it into Penguin & non-Penguin so that I don't have them clustered all in one area of the tree.  I decided to take a pic of the assortment to give you an idea of how much I've accumulated over the 25 years. 

23 ornaments, two of my eight stuffed animals & 4 table top carvings.

Next, I took a picture of my very first ever ornament. I was born on December 18 - exactly one week before Christmas. In the hospital, they put on my bassinet: this Ginger Bread Man. On the back it has my birth stats. I always put this one on the tree first.



 
 
 

Next comes one of my favorite ornaments and it is special this year.  My third birthday I was all about the Muppets!  I got the album, a stuffed Kermit & Miss Piggy.  And this ornament.  I saw the new Muppet movie last week and teared up when Kermit was saying "I guess everyone's forgotten about us."  Because for me...I fall in love with them all over again every Christmas through their songs and this Miss Piggy Angel.  She always gets a spot closest to the top of the tree. 
 
I have one other that's places up towards the top and is my second fav from childhood.  1982's Eskimo icicle climber.  And one that I got in 2008, but reminds me of being a child of the 80's...it's Strawberry Shortcake!  And she even smells like the dolls did.  I place her at the easiest place for me to get a daily "whiff" because as I proclaimed to my parents when I opened her "She smells like my childhood!" 

The third picture is a Ginger Bread house; that has a funny story.  In German class in High School our junior year we had to make one with a partner.  My BFF Barb & I (aka Isle & Uli in German) made one that looked horrible!  We even put a little sign on the door saying "Isle & Uli's school for the retarded" on it. extra credit kids if you remember the Far Side cartoon that we stole this from!  My mother kept it and put it out at Christmas for five years.  Nasty.  We still laugh over how bad ours was!  My parents bought me this one a few years after we finally got my mother to throw the original away. 
 
And finally a few from the years of Jeff & I together!  This will be our 5th Christmas together.  Our families have each contributed to our tree now.  Our first "couple" ornament was from Jeff's sister the winter before we got married.  These two penguins with our names on it (note our last name is covered to protect the innocent!)

And last year, aside from our individual ornaments.  My parents got us a Blackhawk's hockey Patrick Kane with tickets to a game inside!  It was a clever gift & wonderful way to get it.  Now every year when I put up this ornament, I will remember my parent's thoughtfulness & the wonderful date night Jeff & I had seeing a game of our 2010 Stanley Cup winners! There are a hundred more like these but these are special to me. 

When we finally beat infertility, I plan to carry on my mother's tradition of giving an ornament every year.  And searching to find that perfect one to tell a story of what that child is into or doing that year.  And I cannot wait to see the ornament my mother picks out for me that first year I am a mother! 
I am very proud of the penguin ornament my 3T Bump Elf (FarmerLynda) bought for me (larger size penguin with green hat & scarf in top pic).  And I love what I picked out for my elf, I hope she'll love it too! And, like me, think of 3T every year she puts it on her tree!  But for now...the claymation Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer is on so I must go...and spend more memory time with my younger self.  This year I hope you all can locate your inner child & enjoy the holidays instead of letting IF get you down!  <3