Keeping track of Take two on IUI#3

Just to be able to keep track how this cycle stacks up:

CD3:  AFC - 8 on left, 11 on right
Meds started?: Cd three through five 75ui Gonal F

Next appointment:  Monday for monitoring U/S and B/W
Thoughts:  I am surprised I need to go in for monitoring already on cd6, but then this is my first cycle that is all injects (last time we tried for IUI#3 it was five days of clomid and two days of injects.  But by cd12 I had three follies all above 17mm I believe so I guess they want to make sure I don't still too fast).  Plus, when I took clomid I would not start to feel anything in my ovaries until like cd8.  This cycle, last night I put the meds in my right thigh and today around 2pm I already was feeling pains in my right ovary.  So I decided tonight to put it in my left thigh to see if I then feel anything over there tomorrow.  Fun with science!

My only concern right now is money and timing.  Since I'll have monitoring on cd6, I assume there will be another monitoring appointment later.  Which means more money than usual.  Also - they never did more than b/w on cd3 before because "With being OOP on clomid you're doing the IUI no matter what so why not save you money".  I don't really understand why it's different now.  But I will be asking on Monday.  I told DH how I was worried about the extra money this was going to cost (but didn't mention that would leave less possibility for doing a fourth if needed).  But then he reminded me this year we upped our HSA by a thousand dollars - so we have more money (by a grand) than I thought.

And finally the timing...usually I have trigger on cd12 and IUI on cd14.  But this cycle cd12 is Easter (and I believe all of the offices are closed except for maybe their Riverside office that would take us over an hour drive) and cd14 is a important day at work for DH so we really need the IUI to be any other day if humanly possible.  I guess I just need to have a little patience, and accept that I won't be able to plan and map this one out just because all my others were predictable.  Actually, with the unknown factor - it's kind of a little more fun; if that makes any sense at all.  It's like if it was predictable and like the others - then it might have the same outcome (BFN) but since it's up in the air it might have a better chance.  Silly, I know.

Check this crap out

So Jeff's cousin's wife - who I only met once for half a day two years ago while on vacation down in North Carolina recently became my friend on facebook.  She saw a posting I made trying to get people to sign a petition in favor of insurance mandated coverage of IF.  She commented that there were more "ethical and cost effective ways" to treat IF non-medically and sent me to some "Pope approved" website talking about BBT, CM, charting, meds, etc - pretty much anything but ART (Assisted Reproductive Technologies IUI or IVF and god forbid a man doing a sperm analysis!).  I shot back with a response that I didn't see it as "unethical" and while the Pope wants to "shun" IF'er it was rude to say that to someone going through the heartache of IF.  And then my Dad commented this (which I love so much I've reposted it for all my IFers to see my hero Dad:   I don't know your friends but, if they all make unverified assumptions, jump to unjustified conclusions and provide unwarranted advice as Amy just did ... girl, you need some new friends! The Bible says, "the poor will always be with us" and, this proves that the presumptuous and tactless will apparently be as well. Continue to educate yourself and, ignore other's advice based on their own religiosity as you wish. Since you were raised surrounded by Christians, remind folks when you must that, "Jesus was a Liberal." Continue to do what YOU feel is best based on how you've educated yourself, ignoring those who speak without knowing, listening or asking. Under "References" for the link in the first comment ... "For physicians, especially obstetrician-gynecologists, who hear about NaProTECHNOLOGY for the first time, they are often concerned that there is not any peer-reviewed medical literature or academic literature which supports this approach. However, over the last 30 to 40 years, there has been a large volume of literature which has been published and presents itself as foundational work to both the Creighton Model FertilityCare™ System and the women’s health science of NaProTECHNOLOGY." I'm sorry but, there are also many books and papers relating to the superiority of religions, race, sexuality, gardening and alien existance on earth ... none of which mean there is any proof ... a basic tenant of the Scientific Method. "Ignore the man behind the curtain!" "Kneel before Zod!"

Can I say how great it is having a Dad that has your back, as well as makes bible references, rational thought, and finally quotes both Wizard of Oz and Superman?! Love it! (P.S. my Dad is Aethiest).

Then today I go to the mail box (over three weeks after this) to find a letter from her.  (Again, while our husband's are family - we are not and I've met her for a total of maybe six hours and BTW she and her husband have eight children. EIGHT.).  I'm going to retype her letter verbatim because of how insane it is.  So this is her letter to me in italics mine thoughts are highlighted normal font:
"Dear Kati, I am writing to you this evening as I am remembering the gift and fragility of life as we mark the day our miscarried twins, Marion and Jordan, were interred in their grace four years ago...never to see the light of day on this side of the veil of Life, they are a constant reminder to us to keep looking up and to keep hoping in God's wisdome and mysterious ways.  They are also a reminder that Steve and I are blessed to have any children at all blessed? you have eight kids! I'd say you're more than blessed; that our fertility is a gift, not a given; in fact, having suffered amenorrhea for nearly two years, I didn't know if I could conceive at all. But clearly you can and did. If you had gone to a doctor, you would have found a medical reason for not getting a period!


I am sorry that your and your dad found my efforts at reaching out to you offensive and repugnant. THAT was reaching out?! Calling me unethical?! I am really concerned for you and Jeff in your efforts to become parents. Take your concern and shove it lady! I way anxious to share a story of hope (Oh, goody someone sharing a story of hope! We never get that on 3T! ) with you regarding overcoming the odds with infertility, but wasn't free to share my sister's story until I had the chance to ask her.  She, also, was told she could never have children due to a septum in her womb that would most likely lead her to miscarry.  Over seven painful years, especially watching as my family and my other sister's family grow, it was hard for her not to lose hope.  She and her husband received fertility counseling, and began Clomid to increase her chances of conception. *Gasp* you admit to using of drugs?


We talked about the fact that it was our experience that God never places a good and lawful desire in your heart that He doesn't intend to fulfill, but that it is always in His perfect timing, not ours.  My sister and her husband then proceeded to step out in faith, and visited the tiny shire of Our Lady of Le Leche in St. Augustine, Fla. That first place that Holy Mass was celebrated on the North American continent in the 1500's and a portal of grace, it has become a pilgrimage destination for many couples unable to conceive.  Many other friends tell the story of how they finally conceived their first child after a prayerful visit there, and it would be no different for my sister.  Is she honestly suggesting I visit a "portal"  where magically God will grant my wish like a lucky fountain?  However, sadly she did miscarry her first little angel around Christmas of 2006.  
Determined not to give up hope, they began to consider adoption and a special surgery to minimized the effect of the dividing wall in her uterus.  She began a time of intense prayer to the Author of Life for help during the ups and downs of the spiritual pregnancy of the adoption, the months of waiting and hoping for the fulfillment of their dream.  In feb. 2008, they became parents of a sweet baby boy (whom they had been told would be a girl!)  who would have lived in poverty and neglect if not adopted.  They could not have hand picked a little one who was a more perfect combination of them both.  A little over a year later, she became pregnant and gave birth to a son in Oct. 2009!  She is very happy with those lively little boys in her life today, and has great patience and appreciation for them both. Ooo! Another cliche of the fertiles: everyone that adopts magically gets pregnant afterwards! She's hitting all the classics - pray, adopt, I'm waiting for her to tell me to relax...


I think it is so vital to remember that every woman has her story to tell, with many joys and sorrows mixed in.  All of these stories are valid and worth sharing.  I think that our generation was taught to look at our womanhood with disdain Huh?; at least, as if it got in the way of our true self and our life's plans. Sorry, lady - no I always had a life plan of having kids and my "womanhood" isn't what's getting in the way, it's sperm and a female hormone, not my who-ha thankyou very much!  There are a lot of wounded women out there who are hurting from this reality.  And there are men, too, with skewed ideas of responsibility and fatherhood.  What the fuck is this statement supposed to mean and is it geared toward my husband? If so fuck you, you don't know him any more than you know me!  So many complications come from fighting nature!  Seriously! Are you insinuating that because I'm using ART a complication will be my fault then, instead of nature or science? However, there is hope because of God's plan for us to prosper and be fulfilled!  There are many stories in the Bible about women considered infertile and beyond childbearing years who gave birth to some of the most outstanding human beings that ever lived: Rachel and Joseph; Hannah and Samuel; Ann and Mary; Elisabeth and John.  It seems that, if God is saying "wait"; then he must have great plans for the child(ren) He is sending.  So if we give birth to a future president, you'll say it was God and not us as parent's or our child's hard work? So, please have faith in God, with whom NOTHING is impossible! She doesn't realize that while Jeff is Catholic he married a non-believer *gasp* Trust in His love and mercy for you and I am certain that He will reward your Faith, (Yep, really doesn't know me) as he has done for so many down through the millennia.  God Bless!  And please, pray for our family, too, and we pray that God will fulfill your dreams!


 Now - while I am not religious, I do not talk bad to those who believe.  I do not shove my beliefs down their throats, and appreciate when those don't shove theirs down mind.  But I will take the "semi" high road.  I will not respond to her letter..  Instead, I am waiting for IF awareness week.  And have my facebook campaign week for her to see all of my IF thoughts.  And then, I will defriend her.  

Turn Back Time Tuesday

I decided reminiscing about old times every now and then might be fun.  So I'll start posting "Turn Back Time Tuesdays" every now and then.  And this is the first.

So let's jump in the time machine and tun the clock back to 1996.  It this point, I was a 18 year old about to graduate high school and had a group of friends I'd known since seventh grade.  We called ourselves "The Blond Squad" (even though one was more red head, and one was close to light brunette).  I was the cynic that thought - we'll go away to college and grow apart like most friends do.  Little did I know 15 years later, a few of them would still be my closest friends.

Four of the six on graduation day (one was a year younger, one was a year younger).
I am the lower left blonde.

For graduation, Brit (upper right corner) got us all a gift of T shirts that she made.  Here is Barb's daughter holding up that T shirt - 16 years later (yes she still has it!) Barb is standing to the right of me in the photo above.

We made another shirt one or two years later, but we don't think any of us still have it.  But it had a setting sun, waves and a shark.  It was a logo we came up with after all of us lifeguarded together that summer at the beach (in the middle of Illinois - there are no sharks but it's a joke).  So this Saturday at Lauren's (not pictured above as she's the one a grade below us) baby shower when we were to design a onsie, I decided why not pull back into the nostalgia file and make it a remake of that shirt?  In the same house no less that the original was made!  We now have (soon to be) four members of the second generation blond squad!  Brit has a daughter that is three.   Barb has two girls, ages three and five months.  And Lauren gives birth to a girl in June.  I think it would be awesome in a year or two to make all the girls their own version of the shirt (and remakes for us). Maybe in 2016 for the 20th reunion?  While we have not seen Joy (top left) in two years, and Kelly (not pictured who we left behind in 1998)....It's so nice to have these group of girls that have known me for 21 our of my 34 years on this earth.  ((And I'm no longer cynical, I think I'll be in touch with these girls until we're in our old age and I'd have to look back on posts like this to remember who the heck we all are! LOL))

Here's the onsie I made

Last time all five of us were together, My wedding in 2009: L-R Barb, Brit, Me, Lauren and Joy

How has IF changed me/ HAS IF changed me?

Some one asked the other day how IF has changed people's views on children, others announcing pregnancy, seeing kids, etc.  And I wrote the following response:

As the roller coaster of IF rolls on - so do my views.  I had one set of views when we first started trying (I wanted two kids, and loved hearing announcements, birth stories, etc.).  

Then after a year and getting Dx with MFI I still wanted two kids but started getting angry and bitter about others.  

Then six months later when we could first start real treatments I was hopeful, had thoughts of twins, but cried and felt self pity over announcements and births.  

THEN during my eight month break, I had periods of hating the world (early in break) and coming to terms with our break, and even thoughts of what if we have to live child free.  

Now - more than two and a half years of trying...I except that my attitude changes with the wind.  I'd still like two kids.  But if we can only have one, I'm OK with it.  Hell, even if we never have any I've actually gotten closer to excepting that life will still be OK and fun just us two.  But I still have huge high hopes for us.  And while I might get angry every now and then at people getting PG, it only bothers me for a minute and then I move on.  I feel I'm at a very healthy, accepting point in my life of: you can't plan things.  You can only do your best to accept it as it comes at you and make changes to be happy. 

And then after a few told me how wonderful my response was I reminded them that since it changes with the wind - if they had caught me on another day my response would be very different.  I find myself every now and then quoting that line from the commercial where the woman says "I hate her uterus" when you see someone with four little kids.  Because yes, this happens.  

But in the grand scheme of things.  Do I really think I've changed?  I am much more educated.  Without a doubt.  I am an advocate.  To be sure.  But really, I don't feel very different.  I know a lot of IF'ers talk about how they hate the person they've become.  Aside from having a bit of a one track mind, I don't think I'm different.  

I wonder if my friends would have something to say about that.  Would they agree?  I'm still sarcastic.  My husband and I's relationship we joke is still based on mutual mockery (typical competitive sarcastic fair).  I visit my friends and their children and enjoy hearing stories of their silliness.  I am "the cool aunt" who spends hours coming up with gift ideas for Christmas to fit the unique personalities of each of my five nephews.   I still clean my house a little OCD, read historical fiction, know way too much about movies from the 80's and 90's and television from the 2000's when I sold it (and critique commercials as if I still did).  I still enjoy my diet Wild Cherry Pepsi's and beer on Friday nights.  I wish I didn't bite my nails.  I wish that I didn't feel like a disappointment to my friends and family for leaving my career behind. And wish we were a bit better at money management and saving.  I am who I am.  

While IF may have changed me a little bit.  I hope it's changed me for the better.  

And that being said.  Yes.  I still hope like hell the next cycle works in April so we can be a family.

***blushing**** and yes, I did check what my potential due date might be.  WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES?

Our 24 hour get away

Jeff and I spend most weekend that I'm off work right here in our townhouse.  Sitting on the couch with the TV on and the Internet or computer games busy on our laps.  While we're spending time together, and talk alot.  It still gets old.  We don't go out much because of expenses.  But with DH's annual bonus we're catching up on bills and have some left over.

This weekend we decided to have a 24 hour mini vaca and I have to say it was much needed.  And sad that just getting away from the house for 24 hours really did feel like a vacation.  I used price.line's Name your Own Price option and got us a hotel room for just $40 (and it was a nice modern Fairfield Inn, not some 70's slum super 8).  So we left on our adventure at 1pm Saturday afternoon.  The weather was so beautiful we both had short on, the windows cracked and sunglasses on as we drove an hour south east to go to casino's and see a comedy show for St. Patty's day.

There were many joke's and Jeff told me stories from when he first got out of law school on the drive.  After checking in we went off to Hollywood Casino for a little gaming.  After a little over an hour, I was up $50 and Jeff was down $20 and we agreed to go eat at the Buffett.  OMG did we eat too much food! (To me, the key to a good vacation is not having to cook and eating good food.)  I had this potato encrusted Cod thing that was delish!  (And lots of veggies, mac n cheese, crab rangoon etc.)  And since I don't like red meat that much, Jeff got to have his fun with all of that.

Later we had made our way to Harrah's to play then at 9pm walked two blocks to the theater for comedian Jim Gaffigan's show.  Now - I've been to comedy clubs for minor acts, and I've bought tickets and seen bigger names like Adam Sandler in college, and Jerry Seinfeld in WV (as well as my hero Kevin Smith here in Chicago) but none of these did I laugh so hard as I did with Jim Gaffigan.  Most of the show I was busy wiping away tears from my eyes from laughing so hard.  And we continue to laugh days later at some of the things he said.  He's on his US bus tour, and if you have a chance when he's near you - GO SEE HIM.

We ended the night and went back to our hotel for a nice sleep.  At home, Jeff normally wakes up at 4-5am.  Here he was able to sleep until 7am and we actually woke up together and got some cuddle time in.  Since he's such an early raiser we only have this sweet morning time maybe three or four times a year and I really cherish it.  You don't know how nice it is to wake up next to the person you love, when it happens so little.

We made our way next door to Cracker Barrel for breakfast and back to the casino for another hour or two before we decided we'd donated enough to them without winning that it was time to go home.  I felt so sad to have to go back to reality so soon and it made me realize just how much we need a vacation at least once a year and we cannot skip it!  It will be hard to squeak it in if we want to pay off alot.  It will be easier if we just pay down most and keep other things to continue to make minimum payments but in the end I think it will be so much healthier for our relationship and our mental health.

On Thursday and Friday I was so stressed I had a pinched nerve in my neck making it hard to turn my head.  Today, I am so relaxed and carefree!!  I don't know that I can put a price on that, but I do know that stress effects my health....this is the reason I got out of sales and never looked back with regret.  And this is a great reminder that my health and happiness is important.

Oh for fucks sake!

The saga continues...
I was told a month ago that the two managers of the front lanes would like me to apply to be with their department because one of them is having knee replacement surgery (and isn't sure if she'll just be out for a few months, or never able to return) and one of their assistants is going on a two month leave of absence (again, to possibly never return).  Since then, they have told me they got approval on the idea, asked if the store execs had started putting me on the schedule etc.  Only the other day to hear I'd have to have an "informal interview", I thought it was just a formality they needed to get out of the way.  Nope!  Not only is it not a "done deal", but they are seriously interviewing someone else too.  Huh? Why make it seem like a slam dunk?

Today, the HR manager talks to me (ahead of my interview on Monday with a different manager) about their concerns about moving me to that position.  First concern is they didn't realize how important I was to being the grocery department's assistant manager until I had to take Sunday off from my cortisone shot in my elbow giving me too much pain.  The department went to hell with me not there!  (Yes, I do a lot!  Thanks NOW for noticing!  And you might punish me for being too good at my job? WTF?)

Then I was told another concern is that I'm intimidating.  Now, this I've heard all my life.  My mom used to tell me this is why I had a hard time getting dates in high school.... because looking back.  I was hot!  And I was popular in my circle of friends (not the A group, but the group in the middle of the cliques).  But yet other girls got more dates.  Was it that I was too confident?  And why is that a downfall for a girl, but not for a guy?

See how confident I looked even at 17? Smartass to the core!

Me (L) and Joy at age ?20?

But yes, I am a strong, outspoken, opinionated woman.  Somehow this makes it hard to approach me?!  I'm personable darn it!  I may not reach out to talk to strangers all the time, but WTH?  I think if they talked to a number of people in the store they'd find out I'm more personable then they think!  **My husband admitted after we'd been dating for a while that yes, he found me intimidating at first because I'm just so confident.  I won him over even if I did have to make the first few moves ;).

Great.  So now, the "fall back" promotion I thought I had no problem is up in the air.  But at least the HR manager said, that no matter what - they really need to stop taking advantage of me (meaning how great I am and that they can't keep me stuck forever in my current position).  And that they really need to find a way, be it start with this or something else, to move me up in the corporation.  That was at least comforting to hear (since she and I talked about me becoming a team lead FIVE months ago!  And they have not done a damn thing about it since the meeting where they agreed I was ready!).

Well two out of three ain't bad (as the Meatloaf song goes)

So I didn't get that job.  One could say I was again overqualified (since they changed the job description after I interviewed, as more of an entry level position and they kept talking about my success in sales.)  Or that since they asked for a salary requirement (back when the job description was more involved) and I asked for the going rate of what that job would be.  But off the current job description, I would have asked for 10k a year less!  We'll never really know why.  But of course I feel like I'm doomed in the job world.

I want something more than just Target - but much less stress than sales.  I've had the highest of paying jobs and the lowest!  50-60+ hours of work vs part time.  Why won't someone in the middle give me a chance?  Is it so wrong to want to work about 40 hours a week at a job that is challenging and yet I won't be stressing about it in my sleep?

But I will instead look at the positive side - Jeff got the raise & bonus, and sperm numbers I was looking for. So two out of three ain't bad.  Because really the job I want most in the whole wide world is SAHM (for you non IFers that's Stay at home Mom).  If we're able to get PG because we're able to cycle next month, then in 9 months this whole idea will be moot.

Focus on the good Kati, focus on the good.