Just when I thought we were in a rut...

So in my blog post on Tuesday, I reflected how what I missed about WV compared to my life now...was the "same-ness" of it all.  I know exactly what to expect here.  Clearly, my husband has clairvoyance because what did he propose out of nowhere the very next day after hearing I had several days off work?  "Let me try to take of Friday or Monday off and we'll go golfing."

Huh?! Wha!?

A) He's never taken off a work day when I have a day off just to spend the day together.  We've only had the same weekday off when we go on vacation.
B) We've never gone golfing together. Ever!
When I lived in Milwaukee (and started dating Jeff) he knew that I was part of this group of girls called "Chicks with Sticks" who would play golf every Thursday night after work for 9 holes.  And remember me talking about when Jeff and I first got together over Summerfest?  When he and my friends Barb & Mike were driving up for the evening...Lauren, Matt and I were out golfing.  But since I moved back home?  Have not golf once.  In over four years.

He looked at the weather report (it's supposed to rain every day Sat - next Friday) but today looked fairly nice.  A cool 55 degrees, but sunny.  And he was able to take the day off!

What's better than golf with your husband?  FREE GOLF with your husband!  We have a friend who is the food and Beverage manager for a club.  And her son runs the whole place (Yes, he's someone who actually went to college and got a degree in something freaky like "grounds management" LOL).  So we got nine holes comped.  And the cart.  Sadly, it was her day off or we could have gotten a few free drinks out if it too.  On the way to the club, Jeff stopped off for Mc.Donald's Breakfast.  I joked that he knew the way to my heart, and I was thinking of going all the way with him the way this date was starting off. LOL.

The only downside to the day was the last sharp turn he took, I had my coffee between my legs while looking up the address on my phone.  Hot coffee all over my crotch!!  OUCH!  He was so apoplectic, but I just joked that he should be happy he has such a low maintenance wife - and now one who's cootch was coffee-flavored! :)  In the cool breeze, it dried out by the third hole...and since it was just us two golfing...no one could see that it looked like I pee'd my pants.  

We stopped off for two drinks in the club house to thank the son then off to lunch at Apple.bee's where I proceeded to have a few Kiwi Margaritas with my half sandwich and soup.  And then home to take a (three hour?!) nap.

A beautiful and unexpected Day-date with the hubby.  I guess I don't know what to expect now.  :)

Turn Back Time Tuesdays: West Virginia

From Oct. 2002 to Oct 2005 I worked for the NBC station in Charleston & Huntington WV.  I was 24 when I moved there and about to turn 27 when I left.  I think this is one of the best age period of a single woman's life.  I was no longer as self conscious about my looks as I was in my teens, more confident about my abilities then I had been in my early twenties.  I was successful in my job, and happy with my friends.  In other words, I was happy where I was in life.  At that point my whole life seemed still ahead of me.  I was fairly confident then that I'd someday soon fall in love, get married, and have children.  Looking back...I realize I have a lot of what I was wishing for back then.  I do have an adoring husband that loves me.  I live back in my home town (which I missed so much when living in WV).  I know the back roads here.  I know the local foods.  I know what to expect out of the seasons.  What I miss about West Virginia?  The unknown-ness about it all.

Overlooking the river in Charleston for the Wine & Jazz fest 2003

I loved exploring those foothills of the Appalachians.  I loved hearing about local foods and traditions (bungee jumping off a bridge for the end of whitewater rafting season?!).  I loved whitewater rafting!  I loved not knowing what might happen ahead of me.  I will admit, that while I love our life...it's no longer unexpected.  Many weeks are the same.  Many summers are the same.  I no longer feel like my life is in front of me (I don't think that I'm over the hill by any means but still...heading into middle aged quicker than I'd like).

I took this with a waterproof camera before heading into more rapids.  New River Gorge-level 5 rapids- WV

I had a dream last night that made me realize I miss that "new-ness" feeling.  I moved five times (and in four states) from May 2001-Feb. 2008.  I've now lived here in our townhouse longer than anywhere I've lived since moving out of my parents house for college when I was 18. I'm not complaining, but it is just sad to miss out on that feeling.   I guess I should try to seek out some "new" things in life to keep it interesting.

Don't Ignore your relationships while going through IF! NIAW blog

So as anyone who read my blog last week knows, it's National Infertility Awareness Week!  This year resolve.org's theme for NIAW is "Don't Ignore Infertility".  In honor of this theme, I have changed my facebook page pic to this:

And my profile pic to this:

(Feel free to steal either)

But for Resolves "Bloggers Unite", they asked to write a blog on the theme of "Don't Ignore...." I decided the perfect thing to talk about is relationships.  No matter if you are "out" in your infertility struggle or silently suffering...relationships are what gets us as a human race through tough times.  I know many times, the shame of IF, or a treatment cycle failure, or the depression that can come from both makes us want to crawl in a hole.  Shut out the world.  Hide behind a protective shell.

But I find the best coping mechanism to make it through this life-altering struggle I have; is my relationships.  I have my support group of IF'ers -who truly know what it's like in the struggle.  I have my husband...my rock...who is struggling right beside me to love me and hold me when I have a hard day.  I have my family, to remind me they love me no matter what.  My friends, to laugh at the little things in life, cheer me on, and cheer me up.  I could not have made it these past (almost) three years without them.  

So for any of  you out there struggling.  I'm not saying, talk about IF with everyone.  Or even that you need to tell your family and friends.  But don't ignore them! Keep yourself open to life and the people in it!  Don't shut yourself away.  Embrace the people who care about you, because even if they do not know all that you are going through...they can help just by their presence, their smiles, their hugs.  

Infertility should not be ignored.  But neither should your relationships.  Don't let them become a lost battle in the war of infertility that you are fighting.  

  

Links to You Tube for NIAW week TWO videos

Hey blog world, I've now finished my second video for NIAW and have put them up on You Tube for anyone to share that wants to.  But please wait until NIAW April 22-28th (only two days away!).  Again, a big thanks go out to my fellow IF'ers that gave their feed back on any rough cuts, helped provide info, or inspiration, and of course a HUGE thanks for all your continued support to everyone that ever has been there for me on our long IF road.
Link to $h!t said to Those Dealing with Infertility:
http://youtu.be/tijE5grzK8k

Link to The Cost of Infertility:
http://youtu.be/qLy2MNjl690

And for those that want to view the second video with following the link...here it is!

Need a good cry

So I am 12dpIUI and got a BFN.  And my boobs no longer are sore.  And my lower back hurts.  And I'm having brown spotting.  So I'm pretty sure this is yet another in a long almost three year journey of negatives.
Because Jeff and I figured out there is only about $300 in our HSA account, we will not be able to afford another injects cycle that, even with donated meds still cost us over $1,500.  Now, some people might say "If you can't afford $1,500 - how are you able to afford a child?  Well, a child you could spread the costs (diapers, food, clothing, etc) over time.  Even for the out of pocket expenses for the hospital delivery you can make payments.  But for an IUI? Nope!  They want it all in the span of 10 days.  We cannot swing this.  So we are looking at waiting (and trying on our own) until January 2013.  If we saved $300 a month, yes I suppose we could do it in Sept or October...but we were on a tight budget last year.  And we finally have a little wiggle room and the ability to every now and then *gasp* buy some much needed clothes or have a actual date night that does not require gift cards from people.  So I'd rather wait those few extra months so that we could actually enjoy life for a little while instead of struggling.
 But for now?  I need a good cry.  And it just isn't coming.  I cried a little on Wednesday night before Jeff came home from work.  But I chalked it up to the hormonal overload I'm shoving in my body.  It was not grieving over another failed cycle.  Aside from our canceled cycle in January - when I only got to cry for five minutes in the doctors office - I have not cried hard over IF or a failed cycle in about a year.  I know what some of you IF'er are thinking....Wow, she's really strong.  But what I'm thinking is I'm pushing down emotions to the point where I don't have many.  And that's not a good thing.  I feel like I need a good release.  A good cry.  But instead I'm settling for just a few tears streaming down my face as I write this.  I guess, I'm just worried that someday when I least expect it I will totally break down.  Or maybe, I've really come to except that this is our life.  On days like this I just find it hard to believe that it will ever, ever happen for us.

World Wide Debut of my video: $h!t Said to those dealing with Infertility

OK ladies.... I decided not to edit my video much since I just don't have much time left.  This Sunday starts National Infertility Awareness Week.  Feel free to publish this video to your blog or facebook.  But to protect my privacy, please do not link directly to my blog if you are putting it anywhere aside from your IF blog.  I don't mind sharing my identity with the IF community, but feel a little shy about it elsewhere.  Don't get me wrong - I want it out in the world...I just don't know about losing my privacy.  This is sort of a test, as I don't know if you'll be able to "grab" it off my blog.  I am assuming later this week I will need to be putting it up on You Tube in order for those not my friends on Facebook to share it.  (If so, I will put the link here).  If you are sharing it other than the IF blog world or chat world (the bumps etc.), please wait until Sunday as I want it really for NIAW.  ~ Thanks Katib77.  Oh, and please comment on your thoughts!

Turn Back Time Tuesday - Being "Aunt Kate" & 13 going on 30?

Why the hop in the time machine to look back on being an Aunt?  Well, my oldest nephew Ryan is having his confirmation this weekend.  And as a 13 year old, my SIL decided the best gift for him was advice.  She asked all of us relatives to come up with advice, or favorite quotes to help this awkward teen make his way through the next few years.  We all remember being 13, don't we? Ugh.  Not fun at all.  So I wrote my advice based on knowing he is about to fully walk into "the teen years".  Here is the advice I wrote to him.

Ryan~

When times get hard (and they will) remember that sometime soon you will look back on them in the past tense.  The best thing about life is it keeps moving forward and you always have an opportunity to start anew.  Moments are just that.  Moments.  And they will all pass by eventually onto new moments. 

 

Take pictures!  Take pictures to document the moments worth remembering.  Because the years move by so fast, you’ll want to be able to look back fondly and remember those good times.  

 

And above all, remember to have hope!  My personal favorite quote is from my favorite movie, The Shawshank Redemption.  “Hope is a good thing;  maybe the best of things.  And no good thing ever dies.”  I have so much hope for you Ryan... on what is to come in the years ahead as you make your way through life.  Enjoy it, because the meaning of life is truly to enjoy the ride!

Love, 

Aunt Kate

Being thirteen is about it being awkward!  Thirteen is about feeling no matter what, you're not good enough.  Thirteen is about hormones raging through your body, acne, bad hair, body hair, poor choices in style, etc. Right?  I thought I was so mature when I was thirteen.  13 going on 30!  But I was no where near as "trying to be grown up" as some of the thirteen year old girls I see walking around town!  Do they know they'll be "old" before they know it?  I swear the past 21 years have gone by fairly quickly.  And now I know I that I didn't know anything!  (And probably still don't).  

Lord help all 13 year olds!  It's got to be one of the worst years (in my opinion).  What other advice can you give aside from "It'll soon be over"?  At least I tried to me more eloquent and yet convey that idea.  

We were also asked to include a photo of either ourselves, or one of us with Ryan.  Sadly, the pictures I have of just me and Ryan from the real early years are not digital.  And once he got older, I took pictures...but there is not one of just the two of us.  So I sent this one and only digital photo of me with him and one of his younger brothers playing "horse".  It's from 2003 or 2004 when he was about four years old.  Then a picture of Ryan now.  And a picture of me, when I was about his age (I'm 14 in the picture).  I always looked old for my age, but geez!