So I just read one of the blogs I follow. And she mentioned she's a runner from problems (both literally and figuratively) and it made me think of an analogy for myself. I myself am NOT a runner - in any way, shape or form.
I am an ostrich.
I stick my head in the sand, hoping the world disappears. I ignore a problem, or pretend it doesn't exist. OK, OK - not about everything but that's me currently. I don't want to think about if we'll cycle ever again. I don't want to think about "Should I look for a new job since the reason I've kept it these last two years was for that small amount of coverage we've now blown through". I don't want to think about how we'll pay for it and a house if we decide to go ahead and cycle. I don't want to think about what if we're never parents. I don't want to think about learning from the genetic testing if it was a boy or a girl. I don't want to think about ANY of it! I just want to shut off all those thoughts in my brain. So I do. I read books to take me away from it. I watch mindless TV. I don't talk about it.
The problem with being an ostrich? Every now and then I pull my head out of the sand and am overwhelmed by what we're facing. Or I see a fictional couple on TV go through childbirth (darn Castle episode had me crying that a couple had a baby and we don't...fictional characters people. Geez!). I had put my head in the sand about what might happen returning to work after being off almost two weeks from the miscarriage. So then I was caught off guard after two hours of everyone treating me normally but not talking about it- when out of the blue my boss's boss said to me "How was your New Years?" BOOM. "I turned and said "Seriously?! Well that's the day I passed my baby so it was pretty much the worst day of my life. Thanks for bringing it up." And then went into a room and cried for five minutes. Yeah, pretty sure she feels like crap now. All she could stammer out was "I'm sorry, I forgot." Yeah.
But I had told myself I needed a song to help get me through this (for some reason I've done this all through life. I have tons of songs that remind me of struggles or triumphs in life. Even ones that remind me of my losses). But this time I needed an anthem. A fighting song. A song to get me through the day. I even posted on TTCAL on TB that I needed a "I can get through the day". And then five minutes later I saw a video one of my friends posted. It's for cancer patients and it's really beautiful and inspirational. And I feel guilty for then turning it into "this applies to me"...because hell, I have five friends who are currently personally living with cancer themselves (All between 30-45). I am by NO means saying their struggle for life is harder then my struggle with my wanting to be a mother or my dead child. Not at all! I know to be thankful for what I have and that there's always someone fighting a worse battle. That being said, it's now linked in my head as my IF and Loss survivor song as of yesterday. Strangely it's Kelly Clarkson's "People Like Us". Below are the majority of the lyrics. Sing along all those who are still in the depth of our version of hell. (And if you or someone you know is fighting to kick cancer's ass - go find that video and share.) Much love to my friends Pulga, Siobahn, Krista, Arlene, and Jerry.
Hey… everybody loses it,
Everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes
And hey… yeah I know what you're going through
Don't let it get the best of you, you'll make it out alive
Oh
People like us, we've gotta stick together
Keep your head up, nothing lasts forever
Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten
It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
We are all misfits living in a world on fire
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us
Hey, this is not a funeral
It's a revolution, after all your tears have turned to rage
Just wait, everything will be okay
Even when you're feeling like it's going down in flames
Oh
People like us, we've gotta stick together
Keep your head up nothing lasts forever
Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten
It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
We are all misfits living in a world on fire
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
You've just gotta turn it up loud when the flames get higher
Oh whoa oh oh whoa oh
Sing it for the people like us, the people like us
They can't do nothing to you, they can't do nothing to me
This is the life that we choose, this is the life that we bleed
So throw your fists in the air, come out, come out if you dare
Tonight we're gonna change forever
Ice bar in Vegas 2012
I too am an ostrich -- I like the analogy. I prefer to pretend whatever is happening isn't actually happening and hope when I come up for air it has all passed. I am so sorry you are having to go through this and that the emotions are hitting you when you "come up for air." I know there is nothing I can say to make it better, but just know I have been thinking about you a lot lately and sending all my positive thought, good juju, and anything else I can think of to help you through this.
ReplyDeleteI love the song and think it is very fitting. I think if it helps you get through the day you should rock out to it as loud as you want whenever you want.
((HUGS))
So yeah, that is totally my IF song too! I love that song and just feel like its a song for the #75strong and COA.... we all stick together no matter what. It is definitely a great song to remember you are not alone in what you are going through. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteP.S.I teared up watching this week's Castle too... ugh!
From the Runner to the Ostritch, we do what we have to do to survive. Either way, it's an escape from reality even if it's just for a short while. I think we deserve that, and I think it's ok for you to bury your head in the sand for however long you need. You'll know you're ready to deal with things when you come up for air without feeling completely suffocated.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself, Kati, and remember that you are never alone. You have a husband who loves you, and a ton of blog stalkers (including me!!) who are rooting for you.
We don't know each other personally, but I am here because you pointed me at your blog from the Bump (I am in the middle of "sitting and waiting" on a missed miscarriage - username kboydbowman over there), and I have found it helpful to read you. We seem to think a lot alike and be dealing with some other similar things (AMA trying for a first child), although medically your road appears to have been much more difficult. If you are on facebook and interested in possibly following each other's journeys let me know and we'll see if we can't make a connection without putting our names publicly on your blog. :) If not, I completely understand.
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