Oct 15th Wave of Light in remembrance of Loss children

So I'm sure those following my blog have enough friend's that are "One in four" that you probably know today is Infant and Miscarriage Loss remembrance day.  And there is a movement called the wave of light - where in people light a candle and place in their windows at 7pm (any time zone) so that say it starts in New York then sweeps west each hour.  I was working last year on the 15th, the first year post first loss and could not participate.  And the next day was the due date for that child - so I felt more of a connection to my loss the following day.  That's when I went out and photographed the world the first time in remembrance of my first loss.  That day I posted, and "outed" myself for our loss, sharing the pictures.  It was very cathartic having it out there.  And yes, I got many comments of love and support, as well as two other FB friends (people I knew earlier in life but don't keep up now...you know those FB friends) well they opened up about their recent loss.  So I felt good, not only getting the weight of our loss being a semi-secret - off my chest, but also the thought that I might have helped these others feel less alone and that it was ok to talk about it.

Then this August for our second loss's EDD, I posted the pictures...but didn't mention the "why".  Anyone looking would just assume I just took nature shots I wanted to share (unless they scrolled through all of them, got to the last photo that had my necklace in the foreshot "Forever in our hearts" with baby feet.  They'd have to still put two and two together.

With that being only two months ago - and fresh.  And a harder loss on me...I don't know, it's like that one because it's that much harder, I don't want to come out about it fully.  Like, I like that many random FB friend's from HS or college can be oblivious about it.

I will participate in the wave of light.  And I might share that pic on instagram (I have much fewer randoms there).  But I don't think I'll post anything personal on FB because while the love and support is well meaning - it's hard to explain - but feels like pity sometimes.  I know this is totally irrational.  But it's one of those things, those stupid irrational feelings - of a child free person.  I feel often like it comes across as being an attention whore of "look at me, I've had such horrible things happen.  IF and Loss and now I have to continue on child free" - and that's not what I want.  I'm not trying to play the victim.  I don't want the sympathy.  For me it's more a statement of fact (and internal sadness).  The awareness without the pity.  But since I can't convey that I don't want to feel the victim- and my friend's don't know they're making me feel pity (Because while my feelings may be irrational, I know they're not true...I know that's not the emotions my friends are trying to convey when they say they're sorry or post a heart) instead I'll just abstain from FB.  I think.  Of course, I go back and forth on this.   Part of me is like - hey, a way to get over an irrational fear is facing it.  Allow the love and support reminding myself it's not pity.  IDK, It's just hard to explain.

Maybe I'll just be one of those annoying cryptic people.  I could post the picture of the candle lit at 7pm - without word or explanation because then those who know and understand will get it.  And it keeps me from opening myself up to those that personally have not been touched by loss.  A show of solidarity of fellow loss momma's.  Because that's really what I'm looking for today...a small gesture to show that yes, I'll never forget my losses or theirs (I know waaaay too many).  But more importantly - all the women who have experienced loss - to just show I stand with them in their grief.  Who knows.  I'll have to think more on this and how I feel - because above all...I'm trying to protect my heart.  All reading - do whatever is best for your heart today...and know there might be friends of yours unsure how to make it through today as well.