Ice bar in Vegas 2012

Ice bar in Vegas 2012

Monday, January 21, 2013

Third Monitoring is the charm

So today we drove to my REs office ten minutes from home with the hope that they could squeeze me in quickly.  I had had Saturday's monitoring in Highland Park at the IVF clinic for FCI and when they called I did not see the phone ring (I was babysitting my BFFs kids while she went grocery shopping since he husband has been in the hospital for several days I thought she'd appreciate an hour away from the little munchkins   Plus I know it's easier to get things done without the adorable 3 year old and 14 month old.)  The problem with missing the call is they just said "come in for monitoring on Monday"...um it's a holiday!  What office? What time?  When I called back at noon they were already closed.  No answer on Sunday and left a message but no word.  So we went to my local office with fingers crossed they were open on MLK day.  Yep-  Whew!  No driving an hour for  five minutes worth of monitoring.

So then the worry switched from "can I get in" to "are they growing?"  Because on Saturday after five days of stims I only had three above 10mm - and they were only 13 and 12mm.  Well they exploded in growth!  Today they were a 20mm on Right along with a 16.5mm.  And on the left I had a 16mm.  My lining is 8.9mm.  So everything looks good!

We trigger tonight between 9-10am and have the IUI on Wednesday at 11:30.  No normally, we have sex the night of trigger and I've always wondered if 36 hours is really enough with his MFI.  So I was glad that he has today off so we could get it on as soon as we got home from the appointment which will make his sample 50 hours later.  I'm truly hoping this gives him better results.  Since his S/A's are always better than his IUIs and the S/As are usually about 60 hours since last release - I have a feeling it will help.  And this will be the first sample since starting taking Co-Q10 last April.  FX that for the first time ever we will have a post wash of 10mil or higher.

But this is it.  The last IUI.  Our last affordable shot.  If this doesn't work, it's IVF time for us.  But possibly not for over a year since the bonus is in question and we can't afford it without the bonus.  Our one and only real chance in 2013.  Please, anyone reading this, take just a moment and send out any good vibes, thoughts, or prayers that you can spare our way because we really need it.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Liebster Award take two (the short version)


Thank you so much to Megan from Here Comes the Sun for nominating me for a Leibster award.  This award is given to new or up-and coming-bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another. What a fun way to get to know other bloggers!  If you are thinking "...Hmmm, this sounds familiar!" It is because I got this award Nov 30, 2011 that you can read about here.  But that was over a year ago and there are new bloggers in the IF world who have come to my little corner of the interwebz so I like that I am still loved, by my new and old friends.  Because of that, I will play along by answering Megan's questions.  But I don't know that I need to come up with 11 things about me...I think if you read below you'll learn.  And if not, check out my blog from January 2012 as I did a 30 day challenge - plenty about me there!  

And as for who should be nominated that hasn't already? Wow, that's hard. Instead I will just tell you who has blogs worth checking out.

Just as I said last time I got this award; Kathy is one of my favorites!  But she has already gotten it as well.  But if you've never read her I suggestion hoping over to her blog.    She's survived thyroid cancer, is about to start IVF again and is the mod for 3T.  

If you want to know a great story of international adoption I have been falling in love all over again with my friend Mrs. Slick through her look back at her recently adopted son from Russia.  If you read nothing else, at least read the four blogs recounting her trip from December and January.  It's amazing and touching.  

Kristy Kay is entertaining and fascinating both in her personal blog and her 3T collaboration blog (where I had the traveling ovary and got to post a few times) but Megan already nominated her.   

There are several more that I follow and love - but some of them have over 200 followers, or have not posted lately because they are very busy being new moms (perhaps I should find new blogs to follow again?)

Megs Questions for me:
1. Favorite memory from your childhood? - - I have a lot of strong memories, but sadly a lot of them are from times I got hurt (I was accident prone).  But a memory that stands out as being full of happiness is when I was with my BFF and we were creating an Olympic tumbling floor routine to the sounds track to Top Gun after the summer Olympics from 1984.  (Yes, I'm old).  

2. If you're married, what was your first dance song? - - - Our first dance was to Faith Hill and TImMcGraw "It's Your Love".  The song was several years old at the time but I liked mainly pop and Jeff liked country and he had proposed and we couldn't think what could be "our song".  A few days later I heard this on the radio and knew since it was a cross over hit it was something we'd both agree on and it made me tear up and cry because it really described how I felt.  Now Jeff sings it to me enough that it really is "our song".  

3.  What was your best vacation? - - - I have been lucky enough to be on some pretty amazing vacations.  I'd love to say my honeymoon was the best, but honestly a trip to Punta Cana, D.R. with my friends a few years before I met Jeff was awesome.  Great location, great resort, and awesome excursions.  And it was just stress free, good times.  Loved that trip.  


4.  If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? - - - I would make me someone who enjoys running.  It's an easy and free way to work out. But from asthma and knee problems etc I just can't stand it.  I think if I lvoed running I'd do it, and be skinnier, etc.  And I think if I did it, that would get Jeff back into it (he used to be a runner).  And I think my SIL would like me a little more (she likes me but it'd just be another thing to bond over).  It seems like an odd thing to change about myself but it's what popped into head.


5.  Where would you live if you could live anywhere? - - - Right here, only a bigger house LOL.  I moved a lot for my career the first six years and when I finally moved back to my home town to be with Jeff it was so wonderful.  I love my home town.  I love Chicagoland.  Can't imagine leaving.


6.  Can you speak another language besides English?  I speak enough German to have stilted conversations...thanks four years in high school.  LOL  I can also swear in Hungarian, count in Japanese to ten, and ask a few questions in spanish.  


7.  Do you have any hobbies?  Photography and scrapbooking.  Neither of which have I done much of in the past year.


8.  Favorite way to spend a day off work?  Sleep late, then have Jeff cook me breakfast.  Watch some HGTV type shows and play on the internet for a few hours, than go out for fun with family or friends for drinks in the evening.  That's a perfect day.  


9.  Least favorite food?  Mushrooms.  Yuck!  Jeff loves them so if I get anything with them on or in it, he eats them for me.  


10.  If you had $1000 to spend on anything you want, what would it be?   Right now? IUI cycle.  Usually I'd say clothes but since we just had Christmas I actually got (or returned and shopped) for a LOT of clothes.  So if not our IUI - I guess a quick vacation.  I'd drive to Mephis and New Orleans spending a few days in each town.  But once it's a little warmer.  Like March or April.  


11.  How would you best describe your personality?  Caring but sarcastic.  I mainly make jokes with those that I love.  That's how we show each other love.  But everyone knows I care about them even when I'm making fun of them.

CD7 and CD9 updates

So I had my baseline on cd4 so started stims that same night.  A day later that usual.  They had me come in on cd7 which was only after 3 nights of stims, which seems early but whatever.  But because it was early I was not surprised to hear my follies were only around 10-11mm.  So I figured maybe they would let me stim for another four days before monitoring again...but nope.  They wanted me in on cd9 for another day of monitoring.  And since I have three days in a row off work - having to wake up super early for Saturday monitoring, eh? Alright.

I was told the only office open on the weekend for monitoring is Highland Park.  And I was told that they don't set appointments, it's first come first serve between 7-8am so to be there before 7am.  So I woke up at 4:35 in order to get ready and be on the road by 5:40.  We hit Mc.Donalds for breakfast and a road detour and still got there in one hour - which is good timing in Chicagoland for how far a drive it was.

Jeff said he would come with me since it was the weekend, and this is the first monitoring he's ever been to so he was surprised we were in and out of there so fast (maybe 8 minutes?).  But admittedly they scared me with the idea of "first come first serve" and we were definitely the first people there and they let me in before they even were supposedly open at 7am.  Jeff joked we were in and out quicker than how long we were in the McD's drive thru, and that maybe they ought to add it to the menu;
              "I'll take a McMuffin, hashbrown, large coffee, and a vaginal ultrasound please."
Where as I said, maybe if I can give blood and have a dildo camera shoved up my hoo-ha in that time, maybe they should be quicker with handing over a mcmuffin, ya know?

The sad news is that I only have 12-13mm going on.  One on the left and two on the right.

But Jeff said, "Maybe it's like cooking.  And that low and slow is the way to go."  Since I've never been pregnant, it's logic that I can't argue with.  Maybe part of the issue is I've always had them grow too fast with not enough time to mature? Who knows.  What I do know is they will be calling me later today to let me know the plan.  I assume I will continue with follistim for the next two days and go back in on Monday for even more monitoring.

The really good news?  They didn't charge us.  I don't know if it's that the office we went to assumed we have IF coverage in our insurance so they are charging them or what.  All I know is I was worried about running out of our HSA money  too quick and no charge is good news!  Plus, if they charged insurance, maybe I can see what the negoitated rate would be even if I have to pay for it, maybe it will be less.  I can day dream can't I?  Jeff thinks its that the higher price I paid on cd7 covers "all monitoring"  and I'm like "Um, no.  That's not how it worked last time so why would they change it up this year?"  I don't care.  All I care about is that I did not have to hand over another $302 after paying them $474 on Monday and $302 on Thursday.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

When the strength wall breaks down

So eight months of a break were great.  I got away from thinking of IF all the time.  But you know what happened?  It made going back into it all that much harder.  Suddenly, I don't have that hope I had when I was cycling last year.  I don't have that "brave face" I've put on for so long.

I have sadness.  I have tears.  I have self blame and self doubt.  I have severe guilt that I've made my husband feel like it's his fault - un-knowingly by the pressure I put on myself.  This caused a fight, which cause more tears.  More sadness.  More doubt.  This marks several days I've felt like crawling in bed and crying.  Until last week I felt myself, now I feel like a shell of myself.  About to break at any point.

A friend of ours came over last night to cut our hair and wished me happy new year as she walked in the door and I found my self saying "yeah, woo-hoo" sarcastically and saw her face drop because clearly my answer was dripping with "who give a fuck?"

I don't want people to ask me how I am because that might cause me to break even further.  My eyes are swollen from all the tears last night.  And today they continue to flow at random moments.  I can't stop worrying - and yet that was what the stupid fucking fight was about in the first place.  How am I supposed to just let go???

And the worst is the knowledge that because Jeff's bonus is now very possibly not going to happen because of super storm Sandy we probably can't afford IVF if this fails.  So now there's even more pressure.   And before I thought we were both on the same page, bio baby or nothing.  But Jeff's now brought up adoption twice in the last month.  I just don't know if I can go from the idea of this is our last year of trying to gearing up to deal with this pain for another year or two.

I just don't know if I can do it.


Monday, January 14, 2013

Start of IUI #4 - Baseline etc.

So today is cd4 and the day of my baseline.

AFC:  13 - - - 6 on the left and 7 on the right.  This is down from 18 last April, and 23 two years ago.  Man getting old sucks!  I guess it's a good thing we said this is the last year of trying since two years ago she said I had the "ovaries of a 23 year old" and today I am feeling very much my "Advanced Maternal Age" (AMA) designation.

So tonight I am starting 75iu of Follistim again.  I have plenty in reserve from my stockpile Bethany sent me.  I should have enough to do this cycle and an IVF cycle if needed.  If not, I will be passing them on to another OOP 3T'er, hopefully one from my support group on FB, if not then through the meds donation program on TB.

I go back in on Thursday (cd7) to see response after three nights of drugs.  Since that's a Thursday I worry a little about timing.  If they have me do two - three more days then I'll need to go in for monitoring on Sat. or Sunday.  I don't know that they'd let me go all the way until Monday with taking drugs and not monitoring.  I kind of hope so, because then I'd most likely be ready to trigger and have IUI on cd13 (Wednesday).  Whereas if I have to go in on Saturday, then I'd probably still have to go in Monday - which means one more day of costs ($280ish) OOP.

Obviously I don't want to risk my health - but this is all so expensive that if I could save a few hundred - please do!! Especially since our HSA this year only puts in $1,000 up front and then the rest is done per pay check instead of front loading it at the beginning of the year.  Because of some scripts I picked up for Jeff and today's $474 payment for the U/S and B/W we only have $600 left for the rest of the month of January.

One monitoring and the IUI should cost $500 and I still have to pay for the ovidril trigger (around $85).  If I have that additional monitoring that sends us over the edge and I'll have to pay out of our monthly living expenses.  Crap.  There goes any room of feeling comfortable this month.  At least all of Christmas was cash and there are no credit cards that will be looking for money.  Thank goodness for small favors.  Will update again after Thursdays appointment, if not sooner.

Friday, December 28, 2012

It's Go time 2013

So I know in the past (ahem 2011 and 2012) I would look back at how bad I felt the year was and how the next year *better* be better.  Not this year...I'm changing my attitude.  I'm going to remember all the greatness that was 2012 and I ask 2013 to be just as good if not better!

So 2012.  I loved the calm that I felt throughout much of the year.  I felt confidant enough to request a promotion at work and got one - yeah me!  I hated it the first month and wondered if I had made a mistake - but I told myself "Give it three months, then decide" because traditionally in my previous jobs I've always hated the first few months because I hate feeling like I don't know what I'm doing.  Well, now I enjoy it much more than what I was doing before.  So glad I had confidence in myself and learned from my past to not react too quickly.

And I felt calm knowing we had to take another long break.  I knew from 2011 that the time would eventually pass...and a lot quicker than I thought it would.  I took that knowledge from 2011 and applied it to 2012.  And so this year's break has gone by much better.  And I spent personal time to come closer to terms with the idea of living child free.  And then took the next step of admitting out loud to people that 2013 will be our last year of trying (even enough so that I put it in our Christmas letter!).  Brave? Maybe.  But I like that I put it out there so that it will lessen questions.  AND remind myself I can do this if need be.

I took full reigns of the 5 and 10K run for Founders.  And while there were some bumps everyone said it went off well.  And I learned things to improve on for next year.  I'm happy to become more involved in this volunteer event that is so much a part of Jeff and my life.

I'm fucking thrilled that Jeff and I got to take a vacation!  And not just one - but we took a day-cation in spring, and few afternoon getaway day-dates in the summer and fall.  I think it's made us more relaxed in general and closer.  Must be sure to repeat this step for 2013.

Which reminds me - trying new things!   We tried golfing together as one of our day dates.  We made a few new recipes, and we made drunk gummie bears.  And every single time we enjoyed the results.  We do not have to just always do the same old same old.  You CAN teach these old dogs some new tricks!

So 2013 - it's go time!  I want to enjoy life as much as I did this year. And more!  More new things, more time together, more confidence, more thinking positively!   I can't wait to see what you have in store for the Juice-ski's this year.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Holiday Traditions Quiz


Since last year I gave you all a tour of me through my Christmas tree I thought this year warrants a holiday post of some kind.  Missie at Growing up Geeky has her "Toddle along Tuesday" topics each week with a blog hop for moms.  Since I am not a mom, I don't participate but several times her topic brings thoughts to mind of either my child hood, or what I'll do when I'm a mother.  One of the people linked up in her blog hop had this list and I thought it pertains to anyone so without further ado....a little on my thoughts on holiday traditions through a quiz (because really, who doesn't like silly quizzes?)
  1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?   Hot Chocolate.  I think because I was allergic to milk as a child I can't get behind the thickness of egg nog.  This year I tried an Egg Nog latte from Starbucks since Jeff is such a big fan but no dice - don't even like it in latte form.
  2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?   When I was a kid, my mom would wrap Santa gifts in a totally different paper than the family gifts (because duh, the elves wrap them).  I remember the last year I believed in Santa it was ET paper and I thought it was cool.  Funny what stands out in your mind.
  3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?   For some reason, I'm very partial...colored lights for the tree but I have white lights for outside (but currently our only outside lights are on two 3 foot trees on either side of our front door.  But if we add more to the collection I want to keep them white because I think it looks more classic sophisticated.
  4. Do you hang mistletoe?  We don't have any mistletoe here, but my mother has had the same real mistle toe for over 35 years.  How it's not crumbled to pieces is beyond me.  I just read here the other day that druids (who Christianity has stolen the symbol of the tree and mistletoe from in trying to convert pagans) anyway, the druids viewed mistletoe as the cure for infertility and infused it into a drink to make barren animals (and humans) fertile.  Kind of makes this cray-cray infertile want to go find some mistletoe! LOL 
  5. When do you put your decorations up? Usually the day after thanksgiving.  But with retail work these past three years I do it whenever I have a day off after black Friday.  This year is was the Sunday and Monday after.
  6. What is your favorite holiday dish?   The Christmas Morning Kringle!!  Being of some German genes this was something this diabetic let her self actually eat.  It is a big danish thing that we usually bought on the Wisconsin boarder because it was the easiest place to find it.  (My mom has much more trouble getting one now that they live in Oklahoma).  OMG I love it with sausage and *super* eggs (like a loaded omelette only in scrambled form which is my families tradition breakfast after opening gifts.)
  7. Favorite holiday memory as a child?  The first year my grandmother came to spend Christmas with us after grandpa died.  She opened a Pepperidge farm sausage from my uncle and she said "I told Tommy I was lonley, but I'm not *This* lonely!"  I was 12 or 13 and thought it was hilarious that my grandma made a dildo joke at Christmas....only my family!  Got love her RIP.   That or the year that my other grandma sent me a cookskin hat and I cried "They had to kill two animals to make this!!"  And she felt so bad because she was the one that sent me a subscription to Wildlife magazine for kids.  She's like "I should have known I had made her an animal lover."  I never ever wore it but it's been the butt of jokes for years!
  8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?  I learned when I was five years old Christmas morning, because we had secretly found a bike for me hidden in the garage behind big sheet boards and kept quiet about it thinking it was for my birthday or Christmas from my parents.  But Christmas morning there was a tag on it saying it was from Santa.  And I was like "this isn't from Santa  it was in the garage two weeks ago!"  My parents tried to cover it up by saying Santa hid it there because there's only so much room on his sleigh but I knew the jig was up.  My mom felt very guilty for a few years that they didn't think of a better hiding spot or that they didn't keep it at a neighbors house or something.  
  9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? We open one gift on the eve (after church) and then the rest in the morning.  For some reason, my mother always insisted that the gift had to be from someone who wasn't there (the coonskin cap was one...it was squishy so I really thought it was going to be a stuffed animal.  I was so upset they let me open one more that year LOL.  Only year I was able to open two.)
  10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?   My mom gives us an ornament every year.  Jeff's family didn't do this,  So our tree is covered with all of my ornaments and the one's Jeff's gotten from my mom the last four years.  And we have three ornaments that are joint ornaments.  But most are my penguin collection (like 28 out of 50 or something).  
  11. Snow! Love it or dread it? Growing up in Chicago - I have a love/hate relationship.  I love the first snowfall over a few inches!  But then by mid January I'm like "I am so over this crap!"  But last year we didn't even get snow until mid January and so far this year - none.  It just doesn't feel like winter or Christmas yet.  Really hope we have at least a little bit of snow before the holiday hits.
  12. Can you ice skate?  Yes, but not very well and I have not in years.  When I was a kid, since my birthday is a week before Christmas my mother made me do this for my birthday outing with friends for like four years in a row (I think because it was easier than having a house full of kids).  So I grew to hate having a winter birthday and limited choices.  If I ever have a winter baby I will make sure I come up with fun ideas and never push my child into something they don't like.  (((Rant over)))
  13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Honestly? No I don't.  I've had several gifts that toughed me or were creative.  But nothing stands out as "the best!"  
  14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you? Spending time with family.  I see mine only once a year and for Christmas it's only every other year so it's very special for me.  But even when it's Jeff's families year for Christmas I love seeing everyone together and picking out perfect gifts for everyone.
  15. What is your favorite holiday dessert?  Since I can't have much sugar (but I can be a bad girl esp. during the holidays) I have to stick with the Kringle or my birthday cake (which I know is not a holiday dessert but for me it kinda is...)
  16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?   For my family, it's putting on the album "John Denver and the Muppets" Christmas CD while decorating the tree.  For Jeff's family - it's going to the tree farm to pick out his parents tree and getting the fresh cinnamon doughnuts.  
  17. What tops your tree?   Our tree has a glass ornament that broke the year I got my first tree as an adult.  I didn't have a topper so I stuck it on top because then you don't realize the bottom is actually broke.  It's a totem pole of three penguins with Santa hats on.  And since my tree is so penguin-centric it really fits.  But I have a feeling once we have a little one, Jeff and I should get a star or angel to go on top to represent his religion better.  For now, he humors me.
  18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?   Can't it be both??  I love picking out the perfect gift.  I spent hours scouring the internet (and sshhh!  I think I found Jeff something awesome!  His favorite book is the Dark Tower series from Stephan King but there is almost nothing on the internet except for the book...but after much searching I found t shirts by an artist on a site called redbubble.  He will LOVE it!  The rest of his gifts are just OK but this is so specific to HIM)  But I also love gifts for me when they're well thought out.  Most of what I get is stuff I've asked for, so when someone puts their own thoughts into it based on who I am really touches me.
  19. Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum?  Eh, I usually have one a year.  Not much of a fan but again it's because I really shouldn't have then and didn't as a watched over child.  
  20. Favorite Christmas show? Movie?   Tie between National Lampoons Christmas Vacation and Bill Murray's Scrooged.
  21. Saddest Christmas song?   I guess Elvis' "Blue Christmas"
  22. What is your favorite Christmas song?   Brenda Lee's "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree" and the Muppet's "Little Saint Nick" (with Dr. Teeth and Animal being the main characters singing the song LOL)