So eight months of a break were great. I got away from thinking of IF all the time. But you know what happened? It made going back into it all that much harder. Suddenly, I don't have that hope I had when I was cycling last year. I don't have that "brave face" I've put on for so long.
I have sadness. I have tears. I have self blame and self doubt. I have severe guilt that I've made my husband feel like it's his fault - un-knowingly by the pressure I put on myself. This caused a fight, which cause more tears. More sadness. More doubt. This marks several days I've felt like crawling in bed and crying. Until last week I felt myself, now I feel like a shell of myself. About to break at any point.
A friend of ours came over last night to cut our hair and wished me happy new year as she walked in the door and I found my self saying "yeah, woo-hoo" sarcastically and saw her face drop because clearly my answer was dripping with "who give a fuck?"
I don't want people to ask me how I am because that might cause me to break even further. My eyes are swollen from all the tears last night. And today they continue to flow at random moments. I can't stop worrying - and yet that was what the stupid fucking fight was about in the first place. How am I supposed to just let go???
And the worst is the knowledge that because Jeff's bonus is now very possibly not going to happen because of super storm Sandy we probably can't afford IVF if this fails. So now there's even more pressure. And before I thought we were both on the same page, bio baby or nothing. But Jeff's now brought up adoption twice in the last month. I just don't know if I can go from the idea of this is our last year of trying to gearing up to deal with this pain for another year or two.
I just don't know if I can do it.
Ice bar in Vegas 2012
((hugs)) I felt that way going into this IVF cycle. I almost thought about just saying screw it and skipping the cycle completely. A few days into it though, the gloominess lifted little by little until it was gone. Hope that happens for you too :)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I hope this cycle goes well and you won't have to worry about IVF. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI nominated your for a Liebster award! http://herecomesthesun65.blogspot.com/2013/01/roll-out-red-carpet.html
ReplyDeleteOf course you can. You wouldn't have fought this hard for this long if you weren't willing to exhaust, EXHAUST, your options. Misery is part of it, and that's ok. Let it flow through, and it will pass. And if it doesn't work, your life will present you new options.
ReplyDelete(Sorry I know that's a pretty cheeky ramble from someone you don't know. Your writing is good and your situation powerful and it just got me going. I'm glad I found this blog.)