If only timing would work out...

Don't you hate when you spend time looking and counting on the calendar?  Darn cycles.

We have three factors at play for the next time we can cycle.
1.  One is that I will be getting a *small* amount of IF coverage from Tar.get starting on April 1st.  ((But I don't yet know if there is a deductible to get out of the way first for it)).
2.  Is our vacation in early May and
3.  Is Jeff being off his vitamins a three week period in February.

We can't cycle next cd1 because it will start before April 1st.   We can't wait for the next cycle because that would put IUI right around when we leave for vacation.  And we have to wait until the entire month of May is finished since 90 days prior is when Jeff was out of his vitamins and we know that's when he has his lowest samples.

I really wish I knew more on the coverage we will be getting because then if we need to get a deductible out of the way we could still cycle in late March/early April because that would cover most of a deductible (if the deductible was $1,000 or so).  But the whole point is using it to pay for it.  IDK.   I hate insurance.

But I am excited that no matter what Mid March is finally here!  Six weeks until our vacation!!  And although  snow is on the ground, spring should be right around the corner.  And we should know in the next few weeks if we'll be house hunting or not.  Lots to look forward too.  Now if only I can get over this horrendous cold.  I thought it was the flu but now I'm thinking it's turning into a sinus infection. Yuck!  And just when we have a busy and fun filled weekend planed.

Friday we are going to a Trivia Contest charity event to benefit the special Olympics.  And Saturday we're supposed to go on a local pub crawl for St. Patricks day.  And Sunday SIL is making corned beef and cabbage and having people over for drinks and hot tub time.  All sounds like fun, if I'm not feeling miserable! 

Wound - meet lemon juice and salt

Thank you 3T's wolfette for giving this post a title.  Today was like the perfect storm for my emotions.  It's been 17 days since I stopped bleeding from the m/c  (23 days since the start of miscarriage).  And what should happen?  I awake at 2 in the morning with the worst cramps of my life!  I spend two hours awake in the middle of the night worried if this was normal and trying to get comfortable enough to sleep again.  Yes, as if my leutal phase defect wasn't crappy enough, this time I only had 11 days LP and a 23 day cycle.  But it's the first period after, so OK it's wonky.  So I'm in pain all day, so crampy, so tired, etc.

But that wound isn't enough.  Noooooo.

The day I found out it was over, I had a baby shower invite sitting next to me.  I had planned on asking MIL if she'd like to go in on a gift with me and go together to the shower.  But when crying my heart out, I see that invite sitting next to me.  I fling it at my husband and scream out "Can you throw that away?"  Thinking, I can have my MIL RSVP no for me.  Yet because it becomes out of sight out of mind...I forgot to even ask her.  And then she goes on a three week vacation and forgets to RSVP herself.  So I get a phone message from mom of the mother-to-be asking if we're attending.  It's a hard day emotionally.

Thanks for pouring lemon juice in it.

I know I can't talk to this stranger.  So what do I decide to do?  Facebook message the mother-to-be on facebook.  She had a miscarriage and three rounds of clomid and one IUI to have this little bundle.  She's understand (I hope).  So I tell Jeff what I've done.

Pour some salt on that wound soaked in lemon juice.

Jeff says "what if she didn't know about the shower?"  Que worrying about something that is now out of my control.  And just because we know of one person in the whole darn world that had a surprise shower, what are the chances that she doesn't know?  You're pregnant with your first.  You're in the third trimester.  Your mother in law has mentioned on a facebook post of her's that she'll have to put up with her this weekend while she's in town (She lives in GA, we live in IL...it's not a random trip!).  Whatever.  Made me feel even worse.

And then throw in regular PMS.  Yes, it's the perfect storm for a day in sweat pants and glasses instead of contacts.  It's a day for tears, and grilled cheese sandwiches.  For feeling sorry for myself, yet still able to wish this friend an enjoyable shower.  But then feeling bad for possibly ruining it.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Feel bad, feel better, feel worse.

Hoping beyond hope tomorrow is a fairly uneventful day where the only reminder of my loss is my bathroom visits.     Let the physical pain abate.  Let the emotional pain fade to the back of the mind where it was last week.  Let my husband try to make me laugh by pulling out his junk just to have me laugh...not to try and stop the tears.  (Yes, he's one of those husbands.  C'mon ladies...I know there's GOT to be more of them out there.  Why do men think that's so funny?  Well...because most of the time we laugh.  We humans are simple creatures.)  Let me have a simple day.  Please?

From excitement to sorrow - Miscarrying

I have a few places on the interwebz that I keep up with my IF world...and I know 99.5% of my readers are from there.  So to you guys this is all just a little more detail on old news.  For me, it's writing it out because it's cathartic and I want it written down. (Note Half of this was written on Wednesday, the rest was written on Friday).

On Sunday, I was 11dpIUI.  It was Superbowl Sunday.  I was not planning on drinking so I was not testing to see if I could drink...I was testing because it was the only day Jeff and I both had off together so I thought it would be nice to have the OMG I'm pregnant! Kind of moment together if it worked.  But instead I took the test, waited the three minutes and stared...

Wait, is that? Naw that's not really there.

:::walks a way to make bed, comes back::::...eh, maybe I'm not imagining....

::::taps Jeff on shoulder::::: "Can you come look at something for me?  Do you see a second line?"  As he starts to twist it back and forth in the light he said "Sometimes."  ((Not a definitive answer right?))  It was such a hint of a line it's hard to believe it could possibly be real.  And well, I have heard of gals having a trigger in their system that long.  So three hours later I decide, I'll go buy a digital.  No lines to interpret!  Well I don't know if it was because I only held my pee an hour (I've told you people I'm diabetic and cannot for the life of me go an hour awake without peeing!!) or it was diluted, or what but the digi was negative.  So Jeff said maybe it was an "Quality Control Issue" at the pee stick factory.  ((In other words he thought I was negative, that the hint of a line was wrong.))  And I could not explain my thinking to him, the whole "a line is a line" theory to him so we went on the rest of our day as if nothing *really* happened.  Went to his parents for the Superbowl Sunday afternoon and evening and went off to sleep.  But in my head though, I was like "A line is a line.  And it was there.  And I *think* the digi is less sensitive.  I bet it's positive!  I bet after 51 cycles, after three years and seven months, after four IUIs - it actually worked!!"

So I woke up Monday morning - -my alarm went off at 6am and can you believe instead of hitting snooze of jumping out to take a test that I accidentally hit off?? And I didn't wake up until 6:30??  Went to take the test and Ta-dah!  It was a little darker!  Still rather faint (see below top pic is from Sunday and half the people that have see it say they don't see the hint of the line...but all agree the one below from Monday has a line).  I text Jeff to let him know.   Romantic right? A text.  Well he told me to text since he would either still be on the train or walking from train to work and would not hear the phone ring.  He called me a little later to congratulate me/us.  But I did have a little tiny bit of brown spotting.   So I was worried a little bit but knew that it was normal and brown was good...red was bad.

So light!!! Can you even see them???

We decided we would hold off until beta to tell our parents, but then I got the beta moved up to Tuesday...and I had to work Tuesday night so Monday night at 6:45 we agreed to go tell family.  We drove to his parents, then his sister, then called my parents, and my brother and told them all the news.  All but my brother knew we were at the tail end of a treatment cycle.  All were very excited.  Both grandpa's to be mentioned having a girl since I have five nephews.  It only took us an hour and fifteen minutes to visit and/or call everyone.

Welcome to Turmoil Tuesday!  I wake up ready to have an even darker HPT.  Nope, it's about the same and this morning I have a panty liner about 1/4th full of red blood and red blood when I wipe.

::::Que FREAK OUT:::::               oh, and que crying like crazy while you're at it.

I'm losing it, I have to be losing it.  Right?  Red blood is bad right?  I call off from work (thank god the one person who happens to answer the phone that day is the one woman in the building who did IVF to have her child and understands IF).  I call and tell Jeff "We should not have told our parents."  He hears the tears in my voice and understands what I'm saying.  I tell him I'll know more after the beta.  He calls me at 10:15 right after they draw the blood...I explain no, they have to send it off to a lab I won't know until 2:30.  But they said if it's 10 or below they will just assume it's a chemical pregnancy.  If it's higher we'll just have to retest on Thursday to see if it doubles.  So I've been googling and laying around worrying all day.

Well I got the call.  My beta is 44  :::::throws arms up in the air::::::: Woohoo for no chemical pregnancy!!! And my p4 is now up to 15.  So now we have to wait until Thursday to see what it does.  :::::::Taps foot:::::::

But today I am pregnant.  And today I love my baby.  And I will rest trying to do everything I can to make sure this baby stays put.

Wednesday - I spend the entire day laying on the couch resting.  Jeff takes the day off to take care of me.  The only time I cry is the morning seeing even more red blood...I convince myself it's because I've been lying down for eight hours and it collects (instead of wiping every hour in the bathroom).

From reading websites I convince myself that it's a subchorionic hematoma which is fairly common with people who bleed and go on to healthy pregnancies.  I convince myself that because there is no cramping or pain I can not possibly be miscarrying.  I convince myself that people always say "I just thought I had a light period but it turns out I was pregnant."  and that's what this was.  I convince myself of all these things.

And then Thursday comes.  I've become so confident that I almost believe I have mothers intuition.  That I'd *know* if it was done.  I'm so stupid to believe any of this.

Again I spend the entire day on the couch (except 9:45 for the second beta blood draw) and again Jeff stays home with me.  They say the call will come between 2 and 2:30 so by three o'clock and no call I'm starting to get really crazy.  They finally call at 3:15 to say it's over.  The beta went down from 44 to 23.  Nurse Cindy tells me if it was going to happen at least it seems to be happening quick with the fast drop in beta and already having the blood.  I had called off work again for that night for just such a call because I was able to keep it together enough to have the two minute conversation.  Then....

I've never wailed that hard in my life.  And that's the best word to describe it.  Wail - not cry, because stars formed in front of my closed eyes and I felt I might pass out from the sheer pain of my screaming.  Jeff held me while I cried for I don't know...a good hour?  At some point soon after I peeled myself away to quickly text my 3T support group on facebook because I knew they were all waiting to hear.

Now the fear is creeping in.  Will the cramping and pain come?  Or will I mercifully not feel it?  How long will I bleed that I have to look at the hourly reminder every time I have to go to the bathroom?  How will I handle going back to work on Satuday with all those babies and pregnant women shopping at Target?  Why did it have to snow 5 inches so that the world looks so pretty when I feel so horribly?  Can we afford any more treatment?  How long do we have to wait before trying?  How will I react anytime I need to talk about it?  When I see my family next weekend?  Etc. Etc. Etc.

But mainly I'm worried about the pain.  Everything I read online women described a pain like their guts were being ripped out.  I have a high tolerance for pain, but not the emotional pain that will go with it.  I'm supposed to call the office today (the administration were gone by the time she called to tell me my beta so I have to fucking call them myself?) to set up yet another beta to make sure it's going down like it's supposed to and my "What the fuck" appointment with my RE for early next week.

I hate this.  I hate how numb I feel to everything else in the world.  I hate how I can't stop thinking about almost anything else.  I love my husband.  I love how sweet he' been...and that even a few hours after the news he was able to make me laugh.  I love how every time he's seen tears on my face he's come and held me.  I love him.  I hate this for both of us.

Stupid hormones making me cry over stupid things for no reason.
That is all.

Half way...P4 etc.

So I was doing fairly well the last few days.  Not too worried...not too obsessed...not googling much etc.  But I was chatting with my cycle buddy about getting a P4.  She said her RE doesn't do them on injects cycle because they automatically put you on supplements.  Well because of my craptastic LPD diagnosis I have to have one always.

Well way back in 2010 when we first started seeing my RE I got DX with LPD because I had an 11day LP and a p4 reading of just 8 at 7dpo.  And on treatment cycles I've had P4's ranging from 13-25.  (they want it 15 or higher on a treatment cycle).  So I was expecting something between 15-25.  I told myself I would not get upset if it was 15.  I was preparing myself for the idea that it might be as low as 13 again.

And what was it?
 4.3

Four point muther fucker three. What the fuck?

She gave me the whole "Which mean you did ovulate, but that's too low for pregnancy implantation so we need to get you on extra suppliments since the 200mg oral pills just isn't cutting it."  Great. Thanks.   If they said to me my ovulation was weak with an 8, how weak ass crap is a 4.3?  And I had three follies, not just one.  WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE?

So she said "which would you prefer, crinonin gel which is goopey or endometrin that comes out watery?  Pick based on which side effect seems less annoying."  I said, I'll pick based on which is cheapest!

Wait - lets back up.  This morning when I went to get the blood draw they know I'm out of pocket for this stuff.  In fact because HSA changed so that the money isn't front loaded, we ran through the small amount that is put on in January half way through everything.  So Anyway today when I handed over the cold hard cash the admin said "We need this to work since you're self pay." (Yeah, thanks!  Frankly, everyone with IF deserves for it to work - but glad you feel like saying that out loud now that I've paid for this four times in two years).  And she said "am I scheduling anything else?"  And I said, well I've never made it to Beta but let's go ahead and schedule that for hope.  My RE heard it and came out of his office.  He gave me a shoulder run (weird!) while saying "I think optimism is a good thing."  Fucker made me tear up (thank goodness none of those tears escaped past the eyelid).  I'm sure it was partially the shoulder massage, ya know making human contact while telling me to hope. Yuck.

So anyway, they all know - - -this is the poor patient that has to pay with her money, no insurance.  And this is my fourth IUI.  And I'm trying to sit here and have hope.  And they tell me I have to pay for something else?!  So she said "Let me see if we have any samples".  Yeah for free stuff!  But free stuff I have to shove up my cootch? ok, I'm still excited.  Clearly something is wrong with me.  This is what Infertility does to you. Makes you fine with the idea of sticking a pill up your vag and having a watery substance ooze out as a side effect.  Don't you fertiles wish you were me?  C'mon...I'm living the dream. nightmare.

So much for being hopeful and not googling.  I've spiraled down.  Not much hope.  And googled.  yuck.  Thank goodness I had today off.  Sweatpants? Check.  Eating random candy? check.  What other cliches can I become?

IUI #4 Done

So it's done.

And the one thing I can say is I've become even more superstitious then I even thought I would be.  I'm talking over the top superstitious.  I had one my lucky socks from Btay (Chicago Blackhawk's arglye), I had on my NIAW necklace (When, Not IF), I had on my common thread bracelet (made from the same string connecting me to over 80 women with infertility), and I had the "hope" stone in my pocket that my SIL had given me last mothers day that I kept rubbing like a worry bead.  At 11:11 I looked at my clock and told Jeff it was time to go, and since it was 11:11, I made a wish.  You've heard of that right?  And finally before we left, I looked at the cross we have hanging up in our kitchen from our retreat when preparing to get married and said a little prayer (and I'm agnostic!).  Oh, and I had asked everyone to think of me.

Basically what I'm saying is I asked for fate in any freakin form for this to help make it work.

And Jeff did great.  His previous post wash numbers for #1-#3 were 8 mil, 1.5mil, and 900 thousand.  This time was 12mil.  Woohoo!!!  And motility was 89%!!  OMG great post wash for once!  So yes, you could say I have a little more hope now than I did this previous week.  But I'm still scared shitless.  But I know there is nothing that can change me from feeling that fear.  But now I need to just remember it's all out of my hands.  Whatever happens, happens.

Third Monitoring is the charm

So today we drove to my REs office ten minutes from home with the hope that they could squeeze me in quickly.  I had had Saturday's monitoring in Highland Park at the IVF clinic for FCI and when they called I did not see the phone ring (I was babysitting my BFFs kids while she went grocery shopping since he husband has been in the hospital for several days I thought she'd appreciate an hour away from the little munchkins   Plus I know it's easier to get things done without the adorable 3 year old and 14 month old.)  The problem with missing the call is they just said "come in for monitoring on Monday"...um it's a holiday!  What office? What time?  When I called back at noon they were already closed.  No answer on Sunday and left a message but no word.  So we went to my local office with fingers crossed they were open on MLK day.  Yep-  Whew!  No driving an hour for  five minutes worth of monitoring.

So then the worry switched from "can I get in" to "are they growing?"  Because on Saturday after five days of stims I only had three above 10mm - and they were only 13 and 12mm.  Well they exploded in growth!  Today they were a 20mm on Right along with a 16.5mm.  And on the left I had a 16mm.  My lining is 8.9mm.  So everything looks good!

We trigger tonight between 9-10am and have the IUI on Wednesday at 11:30.  No normally, we have sex the night of trigger and I've always wondered if 36 hours is really enough with his MFI.  So I was glad that he has today off so we could get it on as soon as we got home from the appointment which will make his sample 50 hours later.  I'm truly hoping this gives him better results.  Since his S/A's are always better than his IUIs and the S/As are usually about 60 hours since last release - I have a feeling it will help.  And this will be the first sample since starting taking Co-Q10 last April.  FX that for the first time ever we will have a post wash of 10mil or higher.

But this is it.  The last IUI.  Our last affordable shot.  If this doesn't work, it's IVF time for us.  But possibly not for over a year since the bonus is in question and we can't afford it without the bonus.  Our one and only real chance in 2013.  Please, anyone reading this, take just a moment and send out any good vibes, thoughts, or prayers that you can spare our way because we really need it.