Half way...P4 etc.

So I was doing fairly well the last few days.  Not too worried...not too obsessed...not googling much etc.  But I was chatting with my cycle buddy about getting a P4.  She said her RE doesn't do them on injects cycle because they automatically put you on supplements.  Well because of my craptastic LPD diagnosis I have to have one always.

Well way back in 2010 when we first started seeing my RE I got DX with LPD because I had an 11day LP and a p4 reading of just 8 at 7dpo.  And on treatment cycles I've had P4's ranging from 13-25.  (they want it 15 or higher on a treatment cycle).  So I was expecting something between 15-25.  I told myself I would not get upset if it was 15.  I was preparing myself for the idea that it might be as low as 13 again.

And what was it?
 4.3

Four point muther fucker three. What the fuck?

She gave me the whole "Which mean you did ovulate, but that's too low for pregnancy implantation so we need to get you on extra suppliments since the 200mg oral pills just isn't cutting it."  Great. Thanks.   If they said to me my ovulation was weak with an 8, how weak ass crap is a 4.3?  And I had three follies, not just one.  WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE?

So she said "which would you prefer, crinonin gel which is goopey or endometrin that comes out watery?  Pick based on which side effect seems less annoying."  I said, I'll pick based on which is cheapest!

Wait - lets back up.  This morning when I went to get the blood draw they know I'm out of pocket for this stuff.  In fact because HSA changed so that the money isn't front loaded, we ran through the small amount that is put on in January half way through everything.  So Anyway today when I handed over the cold hard cash the admin said "We need this to work since you're self pay." (Yeah, thanks!  Frankly, everyone with IF deserves for it to work - but glad you feel like saying that out loud now that I've paid for this four times in two years).  And she said "am I scheduling anything else?"  And I said, well I've never made it to Beta but let's go ahead and schedule that for hope.  My RE heard it and came out of his office.  He gave me a shoulder run (weird!) while saying "I think optimism is a good thing."  Fucker made me tear up (thank goodness none of those tears escaped past the eyelid).  I'm sure it was partially the shoulder massage, ya know making human contact while telling me to hope. Yuck.

So anyway, they all know - - -this is the poor patient that has to pay with her money, no insurance.  And this is my fourth IUI.  And I'm trying to sit here and have hope.  And they tell me I have to pay for something else?!  So she said "Let me see if we have any samples".  Yeah for free stuff!  But free stuff I have to shove up my cootch? ok, I'm still excited.  Clearly something is wrong with me.  This is what Infertility does to you. Makes you fine with the idea of sticking a pill up your vag and having a watery substance ooze out as a side effect.  Don't you fertiles wish you were me?  C'mon...I'm living the dream. nightmare.

So much for being hopeful and not googling.  I've spiraled down.  Not much hope.  And googled.  yuck.  Thank goodness I had today off.  Sweatpants? Check.  Eating random candy? check.  What other cliches can I become?