Oh Tom Petty how right you are. The waiting IS the hardest part.
Have you ever realized one phone call will determine the path your life will take? I didn't know it at the time, but the phone call I got back in May of 2010 saying we were dealing with a diagnosed fertility issue certainly changed the course of my life. The wait to find out my second beta and that we were in deed miscarrying was another excruciating wait. Of course the pain of that day overshadows the memory of the wait immensely. Today is another one of those phone calls. And the wait is agonizing. I've been trying to be optimistic and using positive thinking but it stopped last night and the fear crept in.
What if the reason the lab never called this weekend is because my embies didn't even make it to day 3? I started google searching (never good) and saw all kinds of dizzying stats that say anything to 15% - 40% percent of embies make it to freeze (No one seems to agree on the percent). OMG I have a 60%-85% chance of not having anything? I was hoping for four but now I'll take anything. ANYTHING! The sheer thought that I could be getting a phone call any minute and it will steer the course forward of if we can or cannot have a shot at ever being parents is almost overwhelming.
No words can capture the terror. Now, if we do have embies I will have another wait like this. But for now I'm just freaking out. I can't function. Seriously.
Oh, and I had HORRIBLE cramps at midnight and again this morning at 6:30am. So bad I was curled in the fetal position crying. What the fuck is that about? I felt fine Saturday and all day Sunday. I've asked the #75 gals and the IF bump gals. I will be asking about that when they call (if I can remember anything after they tell me the news). Don't mean to end this abruptly but serious I can't focus.
Just my ramblings on life. Now mainly travel but old posts are mainly Infertility related.
Ice bar in Vegas 2012
Monday, October 7, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Day 3 fert report?!?!?
So when they called me with the fert report on Thursday she said that they look at them again Saturday and I *could* be called if I wanted. I was all like "Yeah I want to be called!" So she said "OK, I'll make a note for them to call you." Well since Thursday I had spent the whole morning just starring at the phone I thought it would be a good idea to get out of the house and distract myself. So Jeff and I took a two hour drive up to Milwaukee through some scenic area so I could look at the fall foliage (I'm a massive sucker for leaves changing) and then go to the casino up there - Potawatomi. Our paperwork says that the clinic could call at anytime up to 6pm. They didn't call. And of course by 6pm when I tried to call to get answers, no one answered. Admittedly I was able to go full half hours without checking my phone - instead of every five minutes - to see if I missed a call. And I was having fun in the process instead of a ball of anxious nerves but still! AND we were able to stretch the money we'd brought for seven hours (and have a decent buffet for dinner). We did not walk away winners, but of course I'd rather our luck was with our embryos instead of in a slot machine, but I was very happy to be feeling well enough to get out of the house for so long (granted most of it was sitting on my butt, which is exactly the kind of "activity" I needed). But I consider any casino trip a win if we can win enough from our small amount of money that we could keep playing for six hours. I particularly enjoyed the new Family Guy game.
Since it's Sunday I called several numbers (five to be exact) getting the voice mail run around of on call nurses until someone finally answered a phone, said that's the lab's fault and gave me the secret option button they don't tell you on the machine to get through to the lab. But of course the lab is busy "doing procedures" so I had to leave a message. So now I get to spend today once again starring at the phone. OMG! Talk about testing my patience! I WANNA KNOW HOW MY EMBIES ARE DOING DAMNIT! This shows I'd be a concerned parent right? LOL. I'm not trying to be a pain in the ass, just a simple phone call that they were supposed to make anyway. Grrrrr.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Two posts in one day! Fert Report and info on FET
In case you missed it, I wrote at 8am all about our retrieval day already and mentioned waiting for the call.
And it finally came at 11am. She and I talked for a while about how I was feeling before I finally said "And now for the good news??? Or I hope good news??" (That pause in the conversation made me almost have a heart attack.)
Then she told me; of the 13 retrieved...eleven were mature. Of the eleven mature, seven were fertilized with ICSI. I was a little bit sad as I'd hoped for a fert report of ten growing embies but reminded myself that those that didn't fertilize were for a reason: maybe my older eggs, maybe sperm chromosomal issues. Who knows? What I know is that seven made it. Whew.
She informed me that I won't get a report tomorrow, they like to let them rest in as close to a natural environment for a day in between checks. (My womb would be dark and warm so they leave them in the dark warm incubator). OK, she said "I can put if you want a report on Saturday." Um YEAH! But that report won't give me # of cells. Only how many are still growing. : ( I know other IVFers get that info so I was a bit surprised but she said again, they like to not disturb the embryos while they're growing as much as possible so they only take a quick peak under the microscope and count how many are still growing and cells dividing. But don't count the amount of cells? Oh well, trying to keep putting my trust that they want what's best for my little embies. On Monday they will give me another call with the stats of how many cells each of the surviving embies are and do assisted hatching before freeze. She said some might go until day six to reach where they want them for freezing.
Then we talked a very short while about moving forward. She said I'll be on the progesterone supps (was able to switch to oral instead of vag inserts since it's just to manipulate my body in prep for the FET). She said I'd be on progesterone to get my body to then shed lining and start fresh for next cycle for the FET and that I will be on lupron. Goodie - more shots. I was not on lupron before so this is something new. Hope it's cheap. I was slipped some estrogen patches from the nurse that called me the other day and said she'd try to hoard drugs for me. I don't know how much the lupron costs. I hope it's cheap, as I think now it will be the only drug I have to buy since I already have estrace, these patches she slipped me, vag supps, ect. She said for a FET in early November. So that's that. C'mon super seven!!
And it finally came at 11am. She and I talked for a while about how I was feeling before I finally said "And now for the good news??? Or I hope good news??" (That pause in the conversation made me almost have a heart attack.)
Then she told me; of the 13 retrieved...eleven were mature. Of the eleven mature, seven were fertilized with ICSI. I was a little bit sad as I'd hoped for a fert report of ten growing embies but reminded myself that those that didn't fertilize were for a reason: maybe my older eggs, maybe sperm chromosomal issues. Who knows? What I know is that seven made it. Whew.
She informed me that I won't get a report tomorrow, they like to let them rest in as close to a natural environment for a day in between checks. (My womb would be dark and warm so they leave them in the dark warm incubator). OK, she said "I can put if you want a report on Saturday." Um YEAH! But that report won't give me # of cells. Only how many are still growing. : ( I know other IVFers get that info so I was a bit surprised but she said again, they like to not disturb the embryos while they're growing as much as possible so they only take a quick peak under the microscope and count how many are still growing and cells dividing. But don't count the amount of cells? Oh well, trying to keep putting my trust that they want what's best for my little embies. On Monday they will give me another call with the stats of how many cells each of the surviving embies are and do assisted hatching before freeze. She said some might go until day six to reach where they want them for freezing.
Then we talked a very short while about moving forward. She said I'll be on the progesterone supps (was able to switch to oral instead of vag inserts since it's just to manipulate my body in prep for the FET). She said I'd be on progesterone to get my body to then shed lining and start fresh for next cycle for the FET and that I will be on lupron. Goodie - more shots. I was not on lupron before so this is something new. Hope it's cheap. I was slipped some estrogen patches from the nurse that called me the other day and said she'd try to hoard drugs for me. I don't know how much the lupron costs. I hope it's cheap, as I think now it will be the only drug I have to buy since I already have estrace, these patches she slipped me, vag supps, ect. She said for a FET in early November. So that's that. C'mon super seven!!
The day after ER
So 24 hours later I am not as sore but it still hurts to cough, sneeze, pee or laugh. And my tongue is stained red from the 80oz. of Fruit Punch gatorade to keep OHSS at bay. I did send Jeff off to work though, feeling well enough to take care of myself.
So first let me tackle the actual day of ER. Jeff and I agreed to leave at 6:15am, thinking well it normally take about 50-55min to get there on the weekend, Rush hour will add about 20 minutes. PLUS we'll take a different route that is more of a "back way" instead of the main road. UGH - mistake!! Because we don't know the back way well we didn't even know how close we were when we were sitting in bumper to bumper traffic. By checking on my phone when we only had 20 minutes until appointment time (7:30) I realized yep, we're going to be late. Que stomach flip flopping and massive nerves. Finally at 7:30 I realize we're only about five miles away - we'll be very close to our check in time, only a few minutes late. And then traffic just stopped. At 7:40 they called to see what happened to us and I explain we're in horrific traffic just one mile away. (I actually think of how much faster I'd get there if I just got out of the car and walk.) I feel much better when she says "We figured, just get here safely."
7:45 enter office, get signed in, get changed into gown and hair net. Get weighed and told to pee one last time. 8:10 Jeff gets taken to the "husband room" for his contribution. 8:40 They come to get me from our little room. There is no TV in the little room, just a medical recliner for me and a chair for Jeff but he plays Candy Crush on his phone as I go off for retrieval LOL. It's amazing the amount of people they have in this little room - it's me, the anesthesiologist, the U/S tech, and two nurses. I get my IV set up and they say the embryologist will confirm my name before giving me the juice. RE walks in and they knock on the Embryologist door, she peaks her head out and I state my name and birthday and then they say I'm getting the drugs. I remember them saying "We're gonna record all the funny things you say." And I say "No!! But when I had my breast reduction I do remember I tried to sell my surgeon television advertising." Boom next thing I'm asleep. It takes about 20 minutes for the ER and a few minutes later they're saying "Wake up Kati" and help me into a wheelchair to bring me back to Jeff. The pain was intense so they gave me two tylenol, then some drug of who knows what in my IV and a heating pad. Plus a ginger ale and some crackers. After about half an hour I was given my instructions and asked if I could see Dr. Jacobs since I hadn't really talked to him except to say hello.
He comes by and I ask the main question I've been wondering "When do we decide if it's a freeze-all?" And he says "Oh it is a freeze all." And I said "But what if - and I'm trying to think positively here- but what if they're not looking good on day three or five and you think they may not make it to freeze?" And he matter of factly says "If they're not good enough to freeze, they're most likely not good enough to survive anyway". Ummm - ok? First - that was a bit harsh, what happened to his kind bedside manner I've seen? Second, I know that's not true - I've seen plenty of gals on the boards with morula 4 cell three day transfers that were worried and ended up pregnant. But I know that he is just trying to give us the best chance, and with my progesterone levels he's probably right. Because those with lower grade embryos didn't have hormone levels out of whack but it was sobering to hear - this really is it. If none make it to freeze, our journey to be parents has ended. No pressure. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
So now I sit...it's 8am. They'll call later today to tell me how many of those 13 are mature. And how many of those mature eggs fertilized and are growing. It's so odd to just think of what is going on in that little room out in Highland Park. Our possible future child/ren. My paperwork says they can call anytime in the day until 6pm. Please don't make me wait that long to hear what's going on! This first hour of being awake it's all I can think about.
So first let me tackle the actual day of ER. Jeff and I agreed to leave at 6:15am, thinking well it normally take about 50-55min to get there on the weekend, Rush hour will add about 20 minutes. PLUS we'll take a different route that is more of a "back way" instead of the main road. UGH - mistake!! Because we don't know the back way well we didn't even know how close we were when we were sitting in bumper to bumper traffic. By checking on my phone when we only had 20 minutes until appointment time (7:30) I realized yep, we're going to be late. Que stomach flip flopping and massive nerves. Finally at 7:30 I realize we're only about five miles away - we'll be very close to our check in time, only a few minutes late. And then traffic just stopped. At 7:40 they called to see what happened to us and I explain we're in horrific traffic just one mile away. (I actually think of how much faster I'd get there if I just got out of the car and walk.) I feel much better when she says "We figured, just get here safely."
7:45 enter office, get signed in, get changed into gown and hair net. Get weighed and told to pee one last time. 8:10 Jeff gets taken to the "husband room" for his contribution. 8:40 They come to get me from our little room. There is no TV in the little room, just a medical recliner for me and a chair for Jeff but he plays Candy Crush on his phone as I go off for retrieval LOL. It's amazing the amount of people they have in this little room - it's me, the anesthesiologist, the U/S tech, and two nurses. I get my IV set up and they say the embryologist will confirm my name before giving me the juice. RE walks in and they knock on the Embryologist door, she peaks her head out and I state my name and birthday and then they say I'm getting the drugs. I remember them saying "We're gonna record all the funny things you say." And I say "No!! But when I had my breast reduction I do remember I tried to sell my surgeon television advertising." Boom next thing I'm asleep. It takes about 20 minutes for the ER and a few minutes later they're saying "Wake up Kati" and help me into a wheelchair to bring me back to Jeff. The pain was intense so they gave me two tylenol, then some drug of who knows what in my IV and a heating pad. Plus a ginger ale and some crackers. After about half an hour I was given my instructions and asked if I could see Dr. Jacobs since I hadn't really talked to him except to say hello.
He comes by and I ask the main question I've been wondering "When do we decide if it's a freeze-all?" And he says "Oh it is a freeze all." And I said "But what if - and I'm trying to think positively here- but what if they're not looking good on day three or five and you think they may not make it to freeze?" And he matter of factly says "If they're not good enough to freeze, they're most likely not good enough to survive anyway". Ummm - ok? First - that was a bit harsh, what happened to his kind bedside manner I've seen? Second, I know that's not true - I've seen plenty of gals on the boards with morula 4 cell three day transfers that were worried and ended up pregnant. But I know that he is just trying to give us the best chance, and with my progesterone levels he's probably right. Because those with lower grade embryos didn't have hormone levels out of whack but it was sobering to hear - this really is it. If none make it to freeze, our journey to be parents has ended. No pressure. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
So now I sit...it's 8am. They'll call later today to tell me how many of those 13 are mature. And how many of those mature eggs fertilized and are growing. It's so odd to just think of what is going on in that little room out in Highland Park. Our possible future child/ren. My paperwork says they can call anytime in the day until 6pm. Please don't make me wait that long to hear what's going on! This first hour of being awake it's all I can think about.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Quick ER update
I'll go into much more detail tomorrow when I'm feeling better but for my lurky-loos wondering how it went - it went well. We got 13 eggs - which is our anniversary date and Jeff's birthday so it's always been his lucky number. We find out tomorrow how many are mature and fertilized. I'm in pain, but after about 8 hours post op it's finally getting better. It's best if I don't move though.
Monday, September 30, 2013
No fresh transfer?
So my call today did give me part of the answer I wanted: I get to trigger tonight (actually in 15 minutes so I will probably have to pause writing this to do it). I am so full and bloated I just couldn't have imagined needing to go another day so I actually said "Thank God!" when she said I could trigger. BUT my progesterone was 2.13 so it's "Highly, highly recommended to freeze all and do a frozen transfer instead of fresh". Que tears. I'll get to all the thoughts and fear in a bit. First let's take a look at these stats:
Right: 27, 25, 25, 24, 22, 19, 18.5, 18, 17, 16.5, and 11 ....so that's 11 on this side but 12 likely for retrieval.
Left: 25, 22, 21, 19.5, 19.5, 18, 12, 10, 10, 9, and 8 ...so that's 11 on this side too but only six likely for retrieval.
So 18 most likely at ER. I'm hoping for at least 10 mature and fertilized through ICSI. That's not asking too much, right?
My estrogen level is 2009. I've read they like between 1,000-4,000 at trigger and if Ganirelix suppresses that a bit then it sounds like I'm perfect. Now that whole freeze.... Hang on let me go trigger....
OK, so I know there are some that believe FET is better because your body has a chance to rest and heal up from the trauma of growing so many eggs, and in case you get OHSS and all. And I actually believe that. But here's my fears. We agreed to a price and made our deposit based on a fresh transfer. Are there additional costs moving the transfer to frozen? I had wanted to be KU or at least PUPO around the time of our due date for our miscarried baby. Now I won't be. In fact I'll probably be getting my period then. I had taken off all this time off work for the fresh transfer, now I'll need additional time off for the transfer.
Now the BIG fears. What if my egg quality isn't great? I am no a spring chicken anymore and I've read of those who have none that make it to freeze - that's not real uncommon. Do we watch and if they're not looking good do a 3dt fresh anyway? What if they say no to that idea and none make it to freeze and we don't even ever get the chance and just spent all that money for no even the chance to put an embryo in me? Freaking.the.fuck.OUT.
The nurse said not to worry too much. Yeah, thanks. On the cost factor - she said she could start trying to hoard drugs for me to save on that cost and as for the procedure, I can talk to Dr. Jacobs because he's quote "a good guy". Yeah, he's a good guy but that doesn't answer the cost question yet. Mmkay? Thanks.
Jeff of course has been great. And trying to get me to laugh, as always. But you know what really hurts a bloated full of eggs belly? Laughing. But I love him for trying.
Breath in. Breath out.
Breath in. Breath out.
Try to stop crying when you think about it.
Breath in. Breath out.
Damn hormones.
Right: 27, 25, 25, 24, 22, 19, 18.5, 18, 17, 16.5, and 11 ....so that's 11 on this side but 12 likely for retrieval.
Left: 25, 22, 21, 19.5, 19.5, 18, 12, 10, 10, 9, and 8 ...so that's 11 on this side too but only six likely for retrieval.
So 18 most likely at ER. I'm hoping for at least 10 mature and fertilized through ICSI. That's not asking too much, right?
My estrogen level is 2009. I've read they like between 1,000-4,000 at trigger and if Ganirelix suppresses that a bit then it sounds like I'm perfect. Now that whole freeze.... Hang on let me go trigger....
OK, so I know there are some that believe FET is better because your body has a chance to rest and heal up from the trauma of growing so many eggs, and in case you get OHSS and all. And I actually believe that. But here's my fears. We agreed to a price and made our deposit based on a fresh transfer. Are there additional costs moving the transfer to frozen? I had wanted to be KU or at least PUPO around the time of our due date for our miscarried baby. Now I won't be. In fact I'll probably be getting my period then. I had taken off all this time off work for the fresh transfer, now I'll need additional time off for the transfer.
Now the BIG fears. What if my egg quality isn't great? I am no a spring chicken anymore and I've read of those who have none that make it to freeze - that's not real uncommon. Do we watch and if they're not looking good do a 3dt fresh anyway? What if they say no to that idea and none make it to freeze and we don't even ever get the chance and just spent all that money for no even the chance to put an embryo in me? Freaking.the.fuck.OUT.
The nurse said not to worry too much. Yeah, thanks. On the cost factor - she said she could start trying to hoard drugs for me to save on that cost and as for the procedure, I can talk to Dr. Jacobs because he's quote "a good guy". Yeah, he's a good guy but that doesn't answer the cost question yet. Mmkay? Thanks.
Jeff of course has been great. And trying to get me to laugh, as always. But you know what really hurts a bloated full of eggs belly? Laughing. But I love him for trying.
Breath in. Breath out.
Breath in. Breath out.
Try to stop crying when you think about it.
Breath in. Breath out.
Damn hormones.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
IVF Tips or advice? The good, the bad, and the ugly...
So I've been searching the internet for tips, advice, or just general info and I've come a some handy information. And so that makes me scratch my head. I know everyone is different so to each there own....but here is some I think I'd like to share.
1. Yoga Pant are your friends. Yes the bloat is unreal. Yes, I've done the trick using a hair tie on pants where you loop it through the hole and over the button. But nothing. Nothing! compares to stretchy, comfy elastic. And prepare your husband for the fact that even in those the bloat will make you pull said pants down to your hips and let your big ole bloated belly hang out in the open. So.Attractive. Ugh.
2. Find what makes you poop I had not heard that *before* ER that constipation would be an issue but OMG. I know you PG ladies or newer moms are probably like "you don't even know yet" but seriously, going into stimming I wish I had known. I was told today from a IVFer to start colace before ER because it will only get worse. But for now I've found coffee is what is my sweet relief. I'd tried to cut out caffeine completely, but I do believe I'll need to just accept I'll be having a cup a day (and maybe adding a glass of prune juice a day) in order to survive.
3. Go Shopping before deep into stims I read this on another website, and a separate one said budget for eating out. Wish I had read these over a week ago. Both of these are good advice because frankly I'm too tired, bloated, uncomfortable to feel like cooking. Jeff has stepped up with cooking last night and today but he's been OK with getting take out or going out to eat a lot this week since I have no energy or desire to cook. I thought "I'll go to the store today to stock up on some 'ready to eat' foods for after ER when I'm home and really won't want to cook." (Jeff will be home day of ER but back to work the following days. And yet? Ugh, the effort of shopping was a bit much. I ended up just getting two soups, a few staples and leaving. Might be making Jeff do a run for me for a few more meals or just accept I'll be eating take out.
4. EWCM holy hell. I thought I had seen a lot of EWCM during IUI cycles but the sheer amount of estrogen that your body is producing makes it go nuts. On about day six? It actually felt like I'd started AF because I was so damp. Went to the bathroom and dear Lord didn't know that much production was possible! Another thing people don't seem to tell you.
5. You really cannot compare - but know you will anyway. Everyone has different age, hormone levels, protocols, diagnosis, etc that there is no way to really compare apples to apples in your cycle. But you're going to do it anyway. Fine. But just remind yourself over and over again that no one is in the exact same spot as you with your exact body, hormones, age, diagnosis etc. You will have your cycle develop however you will, you cannot predict based on others.
6. Ganirelix has dull needles Don't ask me why but others seem to agree. If you are on Ganirelix, you have to jab it harder in order to pierce the skin. It's a dull needle. Twice I've had it just bounce off my belly in pain because I didn't stab hard enough. Oh how I wish it came in a vial so I could use a 22 gauge needle, but alas it's not to be. So breath deep and stab.
7. Write everything down. I don't know how many former IVFers I've asked for their details that if they are over six months past their cycle they seem to remember almost nothing. And good, that's understandable but I want to be able to have this information to help others in their search for stories and information. Besides, it's a lot thrown at you day after day. Write it down.
That's all I can think of for now...
1. Yoga Pant are your friends. Yes the bloat is unreal. Yes, I've done the trick using a hair tie on pants where you loop it through the hole and over the button. But nothing. Nothing! compares to stretchy, comfy elastic. And prepare your husband for the fact that even in those the bloat will make you pull said pants down to your hips and let your big ole bloated belly hang out in the open. So.Attractive. Ugh.
2. Find what makes you poop I had not heard that *before* ER that constipation would be an issue but OMG. I know you PG ladies or newer moms are probably like "you don't even know yet" but seriously, going into stimming I wish I had known. I was told today from a IVFer to start colace before ER because it will only get worse. But for now I've found coffee is what is my sweet relief. I'd tried to cut out caffeine completely, but I do believe I'll need to just accept I'll be having a cup a day (and maybe adding a glass of prune juice a day) in order to survive.
3. Go Shopping before deep into stims I read this on another website, and a separate one said budget for eating out. Wish I had read these over a week ago. Both of these are good advice because frankly I'm too tired, bloated, uncomfortable to feel like cooking. Jeff has stepped up with cooking last night and today but he's been OK with getting take out or going out to eat a lot this week since I have no energy or desire to cook. I thought "I'll go to the store today to stock up on some 'ready to eat' foods for after ER when I'm home and really won't want to cook." (Jeff will be home day of ER but back to work the following days. And yet? Ugh, the effort of shopping was a bit much. I ended up just getting two soups, a few staples and leaving. Might be making Jeff do a run for me for a few more meals or just accept I'll be eating take out.
4. EWCM holy hell. I thought I had seen a lot of EWCM during IUI cycles but the sheer amount of estrogen that your body is producing makes it go nuts. On about day six? It actually felt like I'd started AF because I was so damp. Went to the bathroom and dear Lord didn't know that much production was possible! Another thing people don't seem to tell you.
5. You really cannot compare - but know you will anyway. Everyone has different age, hormone levels, protocols, diagnosis, etc that there is no way to really compare apples to apples in your cycle. But you're going to do it anyway. Fine. But just remind yourself over and over again that no one is in the exact same spot as you with your exact body, hormones, age, diagnosis etc. You will have your cycle develop however you will, you cannot predict based on others.
6. Ganirelix has dull needles Don't ask me why but others seem to agree. If you are on Ganirelix, you have to jab it harder in order to pierce the skin. It's a dull needle. Twice I've had it just bounce off my belly in pain because I didn't stab hard enough. Oh how I wish it came in a vial so I could use a 22 gauge needle, but alas it's not to be. So breath deep and stab.
7. Write everything down. I don't know how many former IVFers I've asked for their details that if they are over six months past their cycle they seem to remember almost nothing. And good, that's understandable but I want to be able to have this information to help others in their search for stories and information. Besides, it's a lot thrown at you day after day. Write it down.
That's all I can think of for now...
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