I feel like a total bi-polar person right now.
I go from perfectly fine to totally mess. Jeff said we'd "talk" but then came home with a migraine for over 24 hours - so no talk happened. And as I said, Wednesday I lived in "well, we're child free now. That's it." Then a bump friend sent me a message of a local clinic doing a clinical trial and I fit all of their listed criteria. A free cycle? I spent the day thinking about it and thought "Yes, the money is the biggest and main factor. If I can get a free cycle, I can gear myself up for this." Told Jeff about it last night and couldn't go to sleep with the idea of one more chance (how many times have I said that?).
And then reality comes crashing down when I call them. I don't qualify. Yes, I'm over 35 with regular cycles. (Check) No I don't have PCOS. (Check) Yes, I've only had 2 or fewer IVF cycles. (check) No, I've not had more than two miscarriages. (check) No, I don't have fibroids. (Check). Never been hyperstimulated (check) No living children (check) Looking good right? Do I have any other major health issues? And then she starts listing them off...Thyroid? Nope. Liver? Nope. Diabetes? - - - God damnit mother fucker. Yes. Yes I have controlled (non-insulin taking) diabetes. "I'm sorry, you don't qualify. Thank you and have a nice day."
Boom. Less than 24 hours of a glimmer of hope. Thanks LIFE, for teaching me a lesson to just give the fuck up.
This sucks. There's no other way to put it. And I know, that it being just the first few days there's no way to get off this wave of the ebb and flow of emotion - I just have to ride it out. But damn it if it isn't so fucking hard to get your brain to just stop. Just STOP. Five years my brain has been hard core on this track...always thinking, always planning, always dreaming. I feel like I'm on a train and we just hit a brick wall in front of a mountain. And yet I keep backing up to ram into that wall again thinking I can break through. My train doesn't understand that even behind that fuckin wall is a whole mountain.
Damn it.
Ice bar in Vegas 2012
Friday, June 20, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
It's my (pity) party and I'll cry if I want to...
Negative beta. Zero.
I knew it was coming yesterday when again I had a stark white HPT and then by noon I had started bleeding through the progesterone. Yet that voicemail message still hurt to hear.
And then to have to tell everyone, because I have had so many cheerleaders through this journey. I have not even told my parents yet -as for me I think that will be the hardest. I know they have had so much love and hope for Jeff and I to be parents. I'm dreading that call. I almost feel like chickening out and just sending it as a text message. I know I shouldn't, but I just don't know if I can get through that phone call.
Jeff said we can "Talk" when he gets home from work about where we go from here. What? I thought we were on the same page. There's no more money. I am physically and emotionally drained. I had horrible response. I don't know what or where that conversation will go. I just don't. But I can't imagine, my heart is guarded.
I read something this morning that spoke to me. I am copying the following from a blog called "Outlandish Notions"
I knew it was coming yesterday when again I had a stark white HPT and then by noon I had started bleeding through the progesterone. Yet that voicemail message still hurt to hear.
And then to have to tell everyone, because I have had so many cheerleaders through this journey. I have not even told my parents yet -as for me I think that will be the hardest. I know they have had so much love and hope for Jeff and I to be parents. I'm dreading that call. I almost feel like chickening out and just sending it as a text message. I know I shouldn't, but I just don't know if I can get through that phone call.
Jeff said we can "Talk" when he gets home from work about where we go from here. What? I thought we were on the same page. There's no more money. I am physically and emotionally drained. I had horrible response. I don't know what or where that conversation will go. I just don't. But I can't imagine, my heart is guarded.
I read something this morning that spoke to me. I am copying the following from a blog called "Outlandish Notions"
You all know the “Infertility Island” metaphor right? To recap, there’s a ferry that runs between Infertility Island and the mainland, call it Motherworld. And the ferry comes, but you never know when your ticket is going to be called. You wait and wait and hope and wave goodbye to your friends and wish them well and simultaneously feel miserable that you’re not going with them.
Then one day, for whatever reason, you realize that you simply CANNOT stay one more day on the Island. Could be that you’re going crazy, could be that your spouse forces your hand, could be that you run out of funds, could be … any number of reasons. But you can’t stay. And you still can’t go to the mainland cause you don’t have a ticket for the ferry. So you jump in the water and let the current carry you where it will. And pretty soon, you wash up on another island downstream. There’s a great big jungle on the side of this island that faces infertility island that’s deep, and dark, and foreboding, and hides all the villages. But once you hack your way through the jungle, you realize that there’s a gorgeous beach and friendly neighbors with lots of tequila to share on the other side.
The ferry doesn't come to this island (well, occasionally it’ll show up without any warning, but it’s a complete surprise because no one here expects it). For the first few months after you wash up on the island, you force your way back through the jungle to watch the ferry travel back and forth between Infertility Island and the mainland. It’s sad, it’s painful to watch the ferry and know that you might have been a passenger, that your ticket might have been called this month. But after the first month or two, you get settled into your new routine and you realize how much WORK it is to trek through the jungle to watch the ferry arrive. So you delete the arrival date from your calendar, you try to find something to keep you busy on the day the ferry arrives. You still know it’s there, but you make a conscious decision not to keep watch for it anymore. More time passes, and one day you realize that you really don’t know when the ferry schedule is anymore. And the absence of that knowledge is an absence of pain. Sometimes you’ll think about the ferry, or catch a glimpse of it as it travels over the water, and you remember. Some days the memory is sharp and it cuts like glass and leaves you bleeding. Some days the memory is a fleeting ghost that you catch out of the corner of your eye and then it’s gone. But the vast majority of your time is spent doing things other than thinking about the ferry. More time passes, and memories grower paler and the pain grows duller and then one day you wake up and it hits you: you are happy. Not just faking it, not just the absence of pain, but true and real joy in the life you have instead of longing for a life that might have been. And that is a wonderful day.
You know what's really sad and crazy? I read that this morning when I was searching for comfort for moving forward child free. And just now I went to search for it again...and I swear to god - her latest post? She gave birth to her third child. I guess she swam back and got her ticket in the six years since she wrote that. But it doesn't make the sentiment any less true. I'm tired of holding a ticket watching everyone leave wondering when (if) it will be my turn.
And yet I can't in one day one let go. You see a movie clip - and think "I'll teach my children that lesson. - Wait, I'm not going to have children." You hear a name and think "That'd be a nice name for our child - wait we're not going to have any".
There is no switch to just turn off - what you as a human have been conditioned your entire life to expect. But I know - without a doubt -this is not the worst day of my life. The two worst days were the day I learned of my second miscarriage and a few days later passing my dead son into this world. And while the pain of those days cuts deep, I have had many good days - many great days- in the short time since that happened. So I know, this too shall pass. And I will have good days, and great days once again.
I'm not sure if I'll blog more as I slowly and cathartically move forward. Or if like many who move on child free, if this blog will become deserted or with posts very few and far between. What I do know, is I am thankful for this journey and this place to write about it. I'm not who I was before. But I am stronger - that I know for damn sure. Life sucks sometimes. But what are you going to do? That's life.
Thank you - to all of you that have followed me through some or all of these past five years.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Thanks to the Temptations for my soundtrack today
So yesterday for Fathers Day I did not test because I did not want it to ruin the day if it was too early and/or negative from not working. So I went to IL's for Jeff to make his famous eggs benedict and then off to the race track to watch the horses run. And continued to spend the day thinking "I'm pregnant" because of having to pee every 45 minutes (literally), being super emotional (I spilled a order of fries in their food court and started to tear up. Cleaning woman saw, took pity on me, and got me new ones. Sadly she didn't speak english so I'm not sure she understood my gratitude), having had to get up every night around 3am to pee (only happens to me the two times I've been pregnant) etc. etc. etc.
But I took a test today at 9dp3dt and now all I have in my head is the Temptations lyrics "Well, it was just my imagination! Running away with me." Yep, BFN. Not even a hint of hint of a ghost of an evap line. For my FET I tested at 6dp6dt (today's equivalent) and got slight hints of lines. Today, nothing. Stark white. I even took it out into the sunshine just to make triple sure it wasn't bad lighting that I couldn't see anything. Ah, infertility craziness - gotta love it. Or at least laugh a little at yourself because if you didn't you'd have to check yourself into the looney bin.
So needless to say my hope took a bit of a nose dive today. I still have some, mainly because of the fact that last time I had just a hint of a line on this day so OK - maybe slightly later implanter. But tomorrow I will be what is like 13dpo and beta is Wednesday...so really there is only so much time left to hold onto that hope.
SIGH.
Oh and I have a UTI. I thought on Thursday that I was getting one, but then the symptoms went away as the day went on. Only to keep having a burning sensation when I pee each morning and then diminish as the morning goes on each day there after. Weird. So this morning I was like "Screw it, it's unhealthy whatever the hell is going on." So I called in sick to work and got to spend three hours at the immediate care center. (Seriously, why call it that if it takes three hours?) It took an hour and a half before I was given a cup to pee in then I sat in the room just reading my book for another hour and a half before doctor came in (with his fly unzipped too. And as spiteful as this sounds I didn't tell him because why the hell did it take three hours?! there were only two people ahead of me in the waiting room at 9am. Are you telling me sooooo many people came in between 7am and 9am that the three of us had to wait that long to be taken into a room? Anyway, confirmed there was blood in my urine and high white blood cell count. (Duh people, I can tell 100% of the time I've had a UTI. I've had over 10 in 18 years so I'm kind of an expert at detection. Oh how I wish my PCP would just trust me so I could just call her and she'd call in a script, I had a doc in Milwaukee that let me do that.) Anyway, it's a bit of an emotional trigger for me since last time I had one back in December, I miscarried two weeks later. I know one has nothing to do with the other (according to RE) but can't help but wonder slightly. Of course others are like "It's a good sign of early pregnancy!" And all I can think is "it's a good sign I've been having things shoved up my cootch for almost two weeks straight" Ugh. I would much rather shoot myself in the ass with the two inch needle for PIO each day then the three times daily suppositories. But I digress. Jeff has taken pity on me and says he'll grab us dinner so I don't have to cook...off to look at noodles and company website as I think I'm feeling pasta tonight.
But I took a test today at 9dp3dt and now all I have in my head is the Temptations lyrics "Well, it was just my imagination! Running away with me." Yep, BFN. Not even a hint of hint of a ghost of an evap line. For my FET I tested at 6dp6dt (today's equivalent) and got slight hints of lines. Today, nothing. Stark white. I even took it out into the sunshine just to make triple sure it wasn't bad lighting that I couldn't see anything. Ah, infertility craziness - gotta love it. Or at least laugh a little at yourself because if you didn't you'd have to check yourself into the looney bin.
So needless to say my hope took a bit of a nose dive today. I still have some, mainly because of the fact that last time I had just a hint of a line on this day so OK - maybe slightly later implanter. But tomorrow I will be what is like 13dpo and beta is Wednesday...so really there is only so much time left to hold onto that hope.
SIGH.
Oh and I have a UTI. I thought on Thursday that I was getting one, but then the symptoms went away as the day went on. Only to keep having a burning sensation when I pee each morning and then diminish as the morning goes on each day there after. Weird. So this morning I was like "Screw it, it's unhealthy whatever the hell is going on." So I called in sick to work and got to spend three hours at the immediate care center. (Seriously, why call it that if it takes three hours?) It took an hour and a half before I was given a cup to pee in then I sat in the room just reading my book for another hour and a half before doctor came in (with his fly unzipped too. And as spiteful as this sounds I didn't tell him because why the hell did it take three hours?! there were only two people ahead of me in the waiting room at 9am. Are you telling me sooooo many people came in between 7am and 9am that the three of us had to wait that long to be taken into a room? Anyway, confirmed there was blood in my urine and high white blood cell count. (Duh people, I can tell 100% of the time I've had a UTI. I've had over 10 in 18 years so I'm kind of an expert at detection. Oh how I wish my PCP would just trust me so I could just call her and she'd call in a script, I had a doc in Milwaukee that let me do that.) Anyway, it's a bit of an emotional trigger for me since last time I had one back in December, I miscarried two weeks later. I know one has nothing to do with the other (according to RE) but can't help but wonder slightly. Of course others are like "It's a good sign of early pregnancy!" And all I can think is "it's a good sign I've been having things shoved up my cootch for almost two weeks straight" Ugh. I would much rather shoot myself in the ass with the two inch needle for PIO each day then the three times daily suppositories. But I digress. Jeff has taken pity on me and says he'll grab us dinner so I don't have to cook...off to look at noodles and company website as I think I'm feeling pasta tonight.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Five years of wedded bliss
Some of you may be thinking - Uh-oh, it's Friday the 13th! Some of you might be thinking - uh-oh, it's a full moon! All I'm thinking is - it's our fifth anniversary! How did time go by that fast?!
Happy Anniversary Baby! You are my love, my life, my everything.
The only thing that is keeping me semi calm at the idea that in days we will know if we are living child free forever is the knowledge that you will be by my side no matter what. And I know, without a shred of doubt, that our life together will be good no matter what the future holds. I cannot imagine going through this struggle with anyone else as you've truly been my rock. You've held me so tight when I was at my lowest points. You've made me laugh so hard I cry, snort, giggle like a five year old. You make me smile literally every day (even on the worst of days when I didn't think it possible).
I think this is the first year we're not taking off work together (since we've had enough days off work the last week with the retrieval and transfer) so instead we're spreading our celebrating over today and tomorrow. I know some people at his work are shocked that my my gift (I requested it!) is simply just a book (The new Diana Gabaldon - book eight of the Outlander series in hardcover). But we're a couple that knows what's important, it's not gifts or trinkets. It's the love we feel for each other. We had said if we didn't get a home loan, we'd take a vacation for our 5th year. And we're both thrilled to NOT be taking that trip. To instead be getting our house that will hopefully be a place of great great memories for years to come. It comes down to, there are so many more years to come - who cares what we do? We're doing it together. So tomorrow, we head off for the afternoon to a casino in Milwaukee - - - where I was living when we first started dating.
I love you doesn't seem like words enough. But I'm glad we tell each other every day. Because I do - I love you truly, madly, deeply. <3 p="">
Happy Anniversary Baby! You are my love, my life, my everything.
The only thing that is keeping me semi calm at the idea that in days we will know if we are living child free forever is the knowledge that you will be by my side no matter what. And I know, without a shred of doubt, that our life together will be good no matter what the future holds. I cannot imagine going through this struggle with anyone else as you've truly been my rock. You've held me so tight when I was at my lowest points. You've made me laugh so hard I cry, snort, giggle like a five year old. You make me smile literally every day (even on the worst of days when I didn't think it possible).
I think this is the first year we're not taking off work together (since we've had enough days off work the last week with the retrieval and transfer) so instead we're spreading our celebrating over today and tomorrow. I know some people at his work are shocked that my my gift (I requested it!) is simply just a book (The new Diana Gabaldon - book eight of the Outlander series in hardcover). But we're a couple that knows what's important, it's not gifts or trinkets. It's the love we feel for each other. We had said if we didn't get a home loan, we'd take a vacation for our 5th year. And we're both thrilled to NOT be taking that trip. To instead be getting our house that will hopefully be a place of great great memories for years to come. It comes down to, there are so many more years to come - who cares what we do? We're doing it together. So tomorrow, we head off for the afternoon to a casino in Milwaukee - - - where I was living when we first started dating.
I love you doesn't seem like words enough. But I'm glad we tell each other every day. Because I do - I love you truly, madly, deeply. <3 p="">
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| Our engagement photo 2008 |
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| June 13, 2009 |
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| 2009 at Sox Game |
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| Fall of 2010 |
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| June 2011 |
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| Aug. 2012 |
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| March 2013 |
Saturday, June 7, 2014
One baby in the hopper
PUPO! For anyone stumbling upon this not familiar with this acronym, it means "Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise". Why? Because today I had my little embryo that is a growing baby put inside me. Isn't science amazing? Of course it needs to keep growing and dividing. And it needs to implant into my lining so I can nourish this baby to the outside world. But first step is getting a mature follicle to fertilize (check), then it needs to start to grow by having the cells divide normally (check). And then you need to put it back into my womb-room (check)!
Of the five retrieved...two were mature, they had said one fertilized normally and one they were still "watching". Well that one never got going. So this is it. This is the one. They checked it last night and again this morning and it had continued to grow so they know it had not arrested before putting in me. On day 3, 72 hours after fertilization - it should be 6-9 cells. Mine at 8am this morning... instead of 72 hours, it had been about 61 hours and it was at five cells. So really seems to be on track growth wise. And I was told it had "less than 5% fragmentation" which is awesome! (You do not want fragmentation.) But I do not think they grade embryo's at such early stage, and they didn't give me a grade so I'm just going to believe it's the best it can be.
As like last time, I didn't get a picture of it (I don't know why my clinic doesn't when other do). But I did get to see it on screen in the dish and it looked perfect to me! The tech who uses the ultrasound to help guide Dr. J kept referring to it as our "little stinker" (he has a funny to listen to New York accent). And I couldn't help think, it will only be a little stinker if/when it has dirty diapers to change. Please become a true little stinker!
This time the Valium didn't give me the massive giggles, but little fits of giggles here and there. But before we left the house - I said to Jeff "You know, I'm a fairly good looking lady. And you're a handsome man. Let's go make us one hell of a cute kid." And in the room, Jeff held my hand and kissed me before we got going. I will hold that memory no matter what happens. The look of love Jeff had for me at that moment. So I've been chillin the rest of the day on the couch. While the valium didn't give me the giggles, it did make me soooo mellow and sleepy. Of course, I didn't get much sleep last time from the sheer anticipation. I think I finally got to sleep on the couch about 2am (Jeff started snoring last night which doesn't bother me often, but if I'm nervous then I can't filter it out so at 12:30am I moved to the couch) So I got maybe five hours sleep. But once home, I've taken two naps - each about two hours. Aaaahhhh naps. After today I have four more days off work, then two days of short shifts and a weekend off. They reminded me that I'm not on bed rest, I'm on "couch potato rest" and I explained...I am an expert at that! So off I go to spend more time kicking back on the couch.
Of the five retrieved...two were mature, they had said one fertilized normally and one they were still "watching". Well that one never got going. So this is it. This is the one. They checked it last night and again this morning and it had continued to grow so they know it had not arrested before putting in me. On day 3, 72 hours after fertilization - it should be 6-9 cells. Mine at 8am this morning... instead of 72 hours, it had been about 61 hours and it was at five cells. So really seems to be on track growth wise. And I was told it had "less than 5% fragmentation" which is awesome! (You do not want fragmentation.) But I do not think they grade embryo's at such early stage, and they didn't give me a grade so I'm just going to believe it's the best it can be.
As like last time, I didn't get a picture of it (I don't know why my clinic doesn't when other do). But I did get to see it on screen in the dish and it looked perfect to me! The tech who uses the ultrasound to help guide Dr. J kept referring to it as our "little stinker" (he has a funny to listen to New York accent). And I couldn't help think, it will only be a little stinker if/when it has dirty diapers to change. Please become a true little stinker!
This time the Valium didn't give me the massive giggles, but little fits of giggles here and there. But before we left the house - I said to Jeff "You know, I'm a fairly good looking lady. And you're a handsome man. Let's go make us one hell of a cute kid." And in the room, Jeff held my hand and kissed me before we got going. I will hold that memory no matter what happens. The look of love Jeff had for me at that moment. So I've been chillin the rest of the day on the couch. While the valium didn't give me the giggles, it did make me soooo mellow and sleepy. Of course, I didn't get much sleep last time from the sheer anticipation. I think I finally got to sleep on the couch about 2am (Jeff started snoring last night which doesn't bother me often, but if I'm nervous then I can't filter it out so at 12:30am I moved to the couch) So I got maybe five hours sleep. But once home, I've taken two naps - each about two hours. Aaaahhhh naps. After today I have four more days off work, then two days of short shifts and a weekend off. They reminded me that I'm not on bed rest, I'm on "couch potato rest" and I explained...I am an expert at that! So off I go to spend more time kicking back on the couch.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
ER & Fert Report
EGG RETRIEVAL
First off let me say a 1:30 office time for ER sucks. Hardcore.
We arrived at 1:15 and then sat F-O-R-E-V-E-R. And yes, my blood sugar must have been dropping because after half an hour of waiting I just turned into a bitch. I let everyone know how starved I was and that being a diabetic I didn't like not eating. After almost an hour of waiting I went out to go to the bathroom as a sign of protest of "Hey I'm still in here!" because you know it would have been nice for them to say "we're backed up, it won't be until X time." Last time 25 minutes after arrival Jeff went and did his thing, 45 minutes after arriving they took me for retrieval. This time? An hour and a fucking half from appointment time to when they took him and then they immediately took me. I didn't have a moment to say goodbye to him, or for us to wish each other good luck. Nothing. Oh, and last time the doc came in to say hello before the whole thing started, and I remember chatting with him in the room before anesthesia, and he came by the room after. This time? No hello. I don't even remember seeing him (although I know with the anesthesia there can be amnesia so I'm sure I talked to him in the room just have no memory of it), and no stopping by before I was released. Needless to say, I like my RE and my local clinic but Jeff and I agree the Highland Park office staff sucks. Very minimal amount of effort would have changed that. Letting us know they were backed up and NOT telling me he'd come by to say hello if he didn't have the frickin' time to! I felt lied to.
OK so that was ER. Afterward the nurse came by to let us know they only retrieved five. Since I had 7 above 17mm on Monday I thought 7 was a realistic number...but five? I was a little upset. The nurse could see that and said "That's about average." WHAT? A) No it's not, don't lie to me! and B) Even if there was some stat that somehow makes this true, average for who? Women over 35, ok that might a little more sense - but again NO IT'S NOT! I'm not DOR (or at least I wasn't last time I checked...but sure as hell feels like it now), everything I've seen says they aim for 8-15 eggs. I'm on several fucking support board where I know anyone who is not DOR gets more than that. Don't lie to me, all you do is make me not trust you - and something I want from RE staff is trust.
FERT REPORT
Ah the dreaded phone call. So I tried my best to think very positive thoughts, that maybe I'd get really lucky and having added the saizen HGH and dexamethasone would make it so all five were mature and I'd have like four fertilize.
NOPE.
Call came at 11:45am. Nurse said of the five only two were mature. Two. And of those two, one has fertilized normally and the other they are still "watching". So one. Possibly two. We're doing a three day transfer on Saturday. (Still never got to talk to Dr Jacob's about my progesterone being 1.07 on Monday but since I've been told we're doing 3dt, I guess he either feels it wasn't high enough to push me, or clearly since I only have just the one it's not worth risking see if it makes it to freeze and I agree, as the chances of that now seem so fucking remote.)
So this is it. Next two days I get to live in fear of what if nothing survives to day three. And if they do, then I have to wait it out to see if our journey ends there or in two weeks. If pregnant, I will get to live in the shadow of having suffered two miscarriages. Infertility and Loss suck so fucking much. I'm so damn drained of this.
First off let me say a 1:30 office time for ER sucks. Hardcore.
We arrived at 1:15 and then sat F-O-R-E-V-E-R. And yes, my blood sugar must have been dropping because after half an hour of waiting I just turned into a bitch. I let everyone know how starved I was and that being a diabetic I didn't like not eating. After almost an hour of waiting I went out to go to the bathroom as a sign of protest of "Hey I'm still in here!" because you know it would have been nice for them to say "we're backed up, it won't be until X time." Last time 25 minutes after arrival Jeff went and did his thing, 45 minutes after arriving they took me for retrieval. This time? An hour and a fucking half from appointment time to when they took him and then they immediately took me. I didn't have a moment to say goodbye to him, or for us to wish each other good luck. Nothing. Oh, and last time the doc came in to say hello before the whole thing started, and I remember chatting with him in the room before anesthesia, and he came by the room after. This time? No hello. I don't even remember seeing him (although I know with the anesthesia there can be amnesia so I'm sure I talked to him in the room just have no memory of it), and no stopping by before I was released. Needless to say, I like my RE and my local clinic but Jeff and I agree the Highland Park office staff sucks. Very minimal amount of effort would have changed that. Letting us know they were backed up and NOT telling me he'd come by to say hello if he didn't have the frickin' time to! I felt lied to.
OK so that was ER. Afterward the nurse came by to let us know they only retrieved five. Since I had 7 above 17mm on Monday I thought 7 was a realistic number...but five? I was a little upset. The nurse could see that and said "That's about average." WHAT? A) No it's not, don't lie to me! and B) Even if there was some stat that somehow makes this true, average for who? Women over 35, ok that might a little more sense - but again NO IT'S NOT! I'm not DOR (or at least I wasn't last time I checked...but sure as hell feels like it now), everything I've seen says they aim for 8-15 eggs. I'm on several fucking support board where I know anyone who is not DOR gets more than that. Don't lie to me, all you do is make me not trust you - and something I want from RE staff is trust.
FERT REPORT
Ah the dreaded phone call. So I tried my best to think very positive thoughts, that maybe I'd get really lucky and having added the saizen HGH and dexamethasone would make it so all five were mature and I'd have like four fertilize.
NOPE.
Call came at 11:45am. Nurse said of the five only two were mature. Two. And of those two, one has fertilized normally and the other they are still "watching". So one. Possibly two. We're doing a three day transfer on Saturday. (Still never got to talk to Dr Jacob's about my progesterone being 1.07 on Monday but since I've been told we're doing 3dt, I guess he either feels it wasn't high enough to push me, or clearly since I only have just the one it's not worth risking see if it makes it to freeze and I agree, as the chances of that now seem so fucking remote.)
So this is it. Next two days I get to live in fear of what if nothing survives to day three. And if they do, then I have to wait it out to see if our journey ends there or in two weeks. If pregnant, I will get to live in the shadow of having suffered two miscarriages. Infertility and Loss suck so fucking much. I'm so damn drained of this.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Triggered, ER Tomorrow
So on Saturday I was trucking along. E2 was 504. P4 was 0.2. Follies were 16mm and below. I felt good.
Monday morning, I go in for my U/S and she said "I bet he'll have you stim for *one more day*. It depends on your blood work of course, but that's my guess."
Welp, they called with blood work and it had spiked up to 1392 for E2 (more than double in 48 hours) and my P4 skyrocketed to 1.07 (hhhhmmmm this feels familiar). So I asked the nurse "Did he mention anything about a freeze all since my progesterone is now over 1? ((as this is what happened last IVF and the reason he gave for freeze all)). All she could say was "Well, that's a possibility. We won't know for sure until Wednesday." So I was told to trigger Monday night/Tuesday Morning at 3am.
3AM?!?! Who does that?
Well, I think that this "batch cycle" for my RE (where everyone cycling is put in synch so that he only does ERs and ETs between June 4th and 12th) there must be a LOT of us ready to go on the first possible day because I'm not scheduled until 1:30 in the afternoon. Thus the 3am trigger. Agh. So ok, I set my alarm clock, got up at 2:40 so I'd have 20 minutes to really wake up (because last thing I want is to be sleepy and do something stupid or wrong when it comes to the trigger), did it and finally got back to sleep just after 4am. But the other problem I thought when she told me this schedule...I'm diabetic. I can't eat before ER because of the anesthesia. I have to go almost all day without food?! Well, she said I'm actually allowed to eat until 4am. Ooo great! So now I'm planning on staying up until like 1am so that I can have a "meal" at midnight so that I have a chance of making it to the late afternoon without eating. SIGH. But whatever. I'll do it.
Based on U/S I should only have 7-9 eggs at most retrieved. Still trying to come to terms with the lower number. But last time of the 13 retrieved, 11 were mature but only 7 fertilized. So I'm (being possibly unrealistic?) hoping that the seven best are all mature and fertilize so that I actually have as many to "work with" as last time. SMH.
See you on the flip side of the retrieval.
Monday morning, I go in for my U/S and she said "I bet he'll have you stim for *one more day*. It depends on your blood work of course, but that's my guess."
Welp, they called with blood work and it had spiked up to 1392 for E2 (more than double in 48 hours) and my P4 skyrocketed to 1.07 (hhhhmmmm this feels familiar). So I asked the nurse "Did he mention anything about a freeze all since my progesterone is now over 1? ((as this is what happened last IVF and the reason he gave for freeze all)). All she could say was "Well, that's a possibility. We won't know for sure until Wednesday." So I was told to trigger Monday night/Tuesday Morning at 3am.
3AM?!?! Who does that?
Well, I think that this "batch cycle" for my RE (where everyone cycling is put in synch so that he only does ERs and ETs between June 4th and 12th) there must be a LOT of us ready to go on the first possible day because I'm not scheduled until 1:30 in the afternoon. Thus the 3am trigger. Agh. So ok, I set my alarm clock, got up at 2:40 so I'd have 20 minutes to really wake up (because last thing I want is to be sleepy and do something stupid or wrong when it comes to the trigger), did it and finally got back to sleep just after 4am. But the other problem I thought when she told me this schedule...I'm diabetic. I can't eat before ER because of the anesthesia. I have to go almost all day without food?! Well, she said I'm actually allowed to eat until 4am. Ooo great! So now I'm planning on staying up until like 1am so that I can have a "meal" at midnight so that I have a chance of making it to the late afternoon without eating. SIGH. But whatever. I'll do it.
Based on U/S I should only have 7-9 eggs at most retrieved. Still trying to come to terms with the lower number. But last time of the 13 retrieved, 11 were mature but only 7 fertilized. So I'm (being possibly unrealistic?) hoping that the seven best are all mature and fertilize so that I actually have as many to "work with" as last time. SMH.
See you on the flip side of the retrieval.
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