I feel like a total bi-polar person right now.
I go from perfectly fine to totally mess. Jeff said we'd "talk" but then came home with a migraine for over 24 hours - so no talk happened. And as I said, Wednesday I lived in "well, we're child free now. That's it." Then a bump friend sent me a message of a local clinic doing a clinical trial and I fit all of their listed criteria. A free cycle? I spent the day thinking about it and thought "Yes, the money is the biggest and main factor. If I can get a free cycle, I can gear myself up for this." Told Jeff about it last night and couldn't go to sleep with the idea of one more chance (how many times have I said that?).
And then reality comes crashing down when I call them. I don't qualify. Yes, I'm over 35 with regular cycles. (Check) No I don't have PCOS. (Check) Yes, I've only had 2 or fewer IVF cycles. (check) No, I've not had more than two miscarriages. (check) No, I don't have fibroids. (Check). Never been hyperstimulated (check) No living children (check) Looking good right? Do I have any other major health issues? And then she starts listing them off...Thyroid? Nope. Liver? Nope. Diabetes? - - - God damnit mother fucker. Yes. Yes I have controlled (non-insulin taking) diabetes. "I'm sorry, you don't qualify. Thank you and have a nice day."
Boom. Less than 24 hours of a glimmer of hope. Thanks LIFE, for teaching me a lesson to just give the fuck up.
This sucks. There's no other way to put it. And I know, that it being just the first few days there's no way to get off this wave of the ebb and flow of emotion - I just have to ride it out. But damn it if it isn't so fucking hard to get your brain to just stop. Just STOP. Five years my brain has been hard core on this track...always thinking, always planning, always dreaming. I feel like I'm on a train and we just hit a brick wall in front of a mountain. And yet I keep backing up to ram into that wall again thinking I can break through. My train doesn't understand that even behind that fuckin wall is a whole mountain.
Damn it.
Ice bar in Vegas 2012
Oh, it hurts so much. Trying to get your brain to stop... impossible. I spend my days wishing I could just turn it off for even a little while. It's so hard. And just like you said, there's no way around these initial raw days/weeks. In my experience, I find that I understand rationally how my grieving process works. At least it's not surprising anymore. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. Just remember no matter how dark the day is, that eventually you will see the light again. And just because you can't see the light right now doesn't mean that it's not there. I'm sending love <3
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are dealing with this. I have been thinking of you often and am sending you lots of love.
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