Recap - Mom's Visit

So one of the last things that happened in my two plus month of not blogging was my mom's visit.
*Next blog will be on the drama that is trying to buy a short sale house*

First let me say originally they planned for my mom to come out in mid August because I would have just given birth and how nice it would be to have my mom here to visit, help clean and cook etc.  Well obviously so early in a pregnancy it was only vaguely mentioned.  After the miscarriage it wasn't mention for months.  But as my mom's retirement drew closer she said she had told my father for her retirement - she didn't want some extravagant vacation (they went on an adventure to Yosemite after my dad retired)...she just wanted to see her babies.  And my dad said she was coming to visit for 10 days.  Ummm WHAT? I love my mom but that's tons of time!  I nicely planted seed of thought that it was too long - and she needed to see my brother too.  So it was finally decided she'd arrive Aug. 8th and spend five days with me and on the sixth day I would drive her down to my brothers to spend four days with his clan before heading home (my dad drove up to my brothers so I could spend 20 hours with him - and he could drive her home.)

First ever Mom and Me selfie at Polish Thanksgiving

First let me tell you of the "stab twist" moment that happened with my dad.  My dad has been one of my biggest supporters when it came to me being an infertility advocate.  And when I share articles, petitions, or friend's trying to get their adoption profile shared - he's the first (and often only one) to do so.  But when it comes to loss - well he seems to not use his brain.  At all.  As I said, when I first learned I was PG he was going to come up (after a few days from my mom flying in) to meet his grandchild.  Once months past and plans changed, he informed me he wouldn't be coming up here with my mom.  Because "If you had a kid, it would be worth it."  Stab. Twist.  Now, I understand because of my dad's health and weight he can't fly (He's too embarrassed to admit that he's too big to fit in one seat anymore) and because of his bad knees, COPD, and emphysema that he can't drive long distances anymore - but hell they are both retired!  You're telling me they couldn't take two or even three days to drive the 12 hours to my house since he can't do it in one day anymore?  Oh - he could if I had a kid...but since I'm now living childless yeah no.  He'll settle for 20 hours of seeing me at my brother's with his three grandchildren.   But I digress.  I'm trying to move past this pain.

On day one, I took my mom to see the house we're trying to buy through short sale (will update on this next blog).  The next day was Polish Thanksgiving at my In Laws.   Sunday was brunch and her visiting with her best friend from when they lived here for five hours.  Monday I had to work til 3 - then we went for a walk down by the river.  Tuesday we went to downtown Chicago to visit Millenium Park and the Art Institute.

Mom at the "bean" in Millennium Park

 Wednesday we drove the 4 hours to my brothers.  It was a nice visit.  And since I talk to my parents 3-5 times a week I feel very connected...but dude I was happy to have my house back to just us two after that.  I agree with that comedian that said family visits should last 3-4 days...because like fish left out too long it starts to rot and stink up the house.  There is such a thing as too much togetherness when you're used to no visitors.

This is my favorite painting at Chicago's Art Institute.  It may not be as well known as others, but Gustave Calliebonte's "Paris Street Rainy Day" has always spoken to me.

Mom about to enjoy her Pineapple Martini when we took her out to Bonefish Grill to celebrate her retirement after 42 years as a nurse.

Second selfie of the trip - Our reflections in the inside of the bean.

I love looking up when in the center of the Bean.  So funky.

Looking Back - EED Aug 7th

Continuing to catch y'all up on the last few months since I've been gone - I owe it to myself and my little boy to talk about how his estimated due date went.

First I'll say I was dreading it, like I'm sure any loss mother feels.  But I also knew that my edd changed several times in the few weeks I was pregnant - based on online calculators vs how FETs work and my doctors.  So I was never really given a single "this is the day" - so I kind of thought of that whole week but had decided I would take the middle day of all the dates I was told and make it my unofficial EDD.  That was Aug.7th.

Since my mother was coming to visit the next day, I had spent a whole week super cleaning our townhouse but made a schedule specifically so that I could have the 7th to fall apart if needed and everything would be already done by then.

As I had with my first loss's EDD, I wanted to go out and photograph the beauty in the world as a visual memorial for the day my child should have been born.  I had decided that I would take my favorite picture or two from each of those two days and once we get our house, frame and hang them in one of the guest bedrooms.  To others - it will just be beautiful nature shots.  But to me it will have a special place in my heart.

I went to five different locations to take pictures.  All overlooking water - for some reason these types of places have always been the most soothing to me.  Since last time I had spent a good portion of my time sitting and crying, I expected the same.  But every place I went there were people; it was just too beautiful a day to not be out enjoying it I guess.  And finally, at the last location I found myself alone.  So I sat down and thought about my lost child, and all the dreams that couldn't be realized because he was not to be.  And yes, finally a few cathartic tears feel.  But more than that - I found myself at peace.  A little sad, sure.  But nothing like I had thought would be coming.

The serenity of just sitting there, looking out over the water - remembering that it was no one's "fault" - -that it just was.  Taking a few deep breaths I realized I was doing pretty good.  As I've told my mother - I'm sure New Years will be hard on me as that's the day I physically passed my son, and that these past nine months I've had hard days (mother's day came to mind)...but I feel I'm handling the loss - and subsequent moving forward child free better than I expected.  And that knowing.  Knowing that I was mentally doing well, knowing that Jeff and I have come out of the darkness of infertility and loss closer and stronger for it.  Well, I just can't describe the peace.  But I then headed home.  Feeling I had honored my son and that he in turn had given me that beautiful day.  A day filled with sunshine and very little tears.  And for the rest of the day I just held on to the remembrance of love and hope I had when I did have him in my life.  

 

 

 

Quick Look Back - July/Founders

So since I missed out on the last two months the next few posts will be a little catch up.
First up?  July.

It started out pretty good, in that my best friend Brit was visiting from Georgia.  As a mom of two small kids, I know her time here can't be just us so we agreed on one of my days off to meet at Costco and then go to a park for the kids to play (Ah the excitement parents have LOL).  Upon walking up to them in the store - first words out of her daughter's mouth "Do you have kids?"  I saw the looks of "Aw geez, I'm so sorry" on my friend's face.  But I get it.  Her daughter (5) has seen me about twice a year for the last several years but only for an afternoon here or there.  I can't expect a five year old to remember I don't have children.  And let's all infertiles admit,  while that comment is hard to get from other adults - it's actually not that hard to get from kids.  Sad maybe yes, but not hard because they are content with the quick simple answer of "No, sweetie I'm sorry I don't."  She was simply hoping for more friends to play with but quickly changed her attention.  And really, it was the first time in those first two weeks of finally knowing we were living child free forever that someone asked.  So I'm glad it came from a child I know and love and not from an adult stranger with some of the connotations that can come with it (are you one of those "selfish adults"?  WHY don't you have kids?  WHEN will you have kids? Or just the "advice" or anecdotes that comes from almost all strangers when you explain you have infertility and are now moving on child free.)  It let me say it out loud, have an inner smile that I was proud I said it and didn't feel a tear coming and move on.

Oh, and can we pause on that for a second?  The adults that DON'T let it go and just HAVE to ask a follow up question or add their advice or anecdote?  I heard just this weekend, after I said "No, after five years, two miscarriage, and about $30,000 that we're done.  No more trying."  One friend said "Are you going to try and adopt?" And once again I explained it takes another 10K (at least) and a year or more and again could lead to nothing and I'm just too emotionally and financially spent for that.  A second friend had to give a story of her SIL that adopted and feels she never bonded with the child "correctly" and she believes this is now why they have problems (instead of oh IDK - that she sounds like a typical teenager?).  Why tell me this?  It came off as her way of saying it's a good thing we're not adopting.  What she doesn't realize is there is a part of me that wishes we were 5 years younger, had not spent that last 10K on IVF and had gone for adoption.  But I can't turn back time or get my money back so it's moot.  Or that I have several friends that were either adopted themselves or adopted their child and have great relationships so this is just an isolated tale that in her mind should "ease" my mind - yet it doesn't?  But I've never been a person to live in a "Should have, could have" mentality so I let it go.  I know it was probably just that she didn't know what to say and this is what popped into her head so I'll forgive her.

Jeff and I on the 4th of July

Ben and Carter

But anyway, so I had a nice visit with Brit.  And another day we all got together on her parents beach to celebrate the 4th of July.  After the kids went to get bathes and go to bed - some fun old stories came out.  Good laughs.  A truely nice 4th in all it's Americana glory.  Here are some shots from that day.

Ellie with her Flag

Lauren and Addy

Then the end of the month was Founders.  Anyone that follows me knows about putting on our town's Fest.  Almost a week of volunteering and drinking.  And again it was a blast.  And while it's then our fifth anniversary of TTC, and I should have been 9 months PG I was able to almost forget all that for the wonderful time.  My friend (One of the #75strong) that has put together an art exhibit called The ART of IF is expanding it now that it will be traveling (To the California Resolve Walk of Hope, Arizona's and hopefully DC and more).  She asked us Chicagoland gals if she could come photograph us.  The weekend she was doing this was Founders.  She thought it was a great opportunity because she has me as making an impact on our community by helping out with this.  But I do feel bad that I was not able to really spend time with her, or get shots of my doing anything other than standing around while the parade went on because of how busy we were.  But if you get a chance to see her exhibit (or follow her exhibit on FB) here is one of the shots she took of me. And some other pics from the fest that I took.

Me downtown Algonquin just off the parade route

Crowd listening to band

Hiding from the rain

Barb, me and Lauren

Barb's daughters & my youngest nephew

                


All in all a very fun month, while learning to get my head around the idea of moving forward from IF and loss.

Didja miss me?

So last blog was about two months ago and only a week or so after my last failed IVF.  And then my computer cord died and I've been stuck to my cell phone for internet connection.  While it sort of sucks, it's amazing how much you can get on just your phone.  But blog writing?  Yeah....not with my thumbs.  Well I finally got off my lazy butt and ordered a new cord and it arrived today.  So....



I have some catching up to do, but for tonight I will just be enjoying the large screen and full keyboard of laptop time.  I promise to come back and fill you all in on Founders Day, how my EDD (Estimated Due Date) for baby Juicer went on Aug. 7th, my Mom's visit, our on going attempt to buy a short sale house, and just general "how's life?" after choosing to move forward child free.

For now I will just leave you with this...if you thought I wasn't posting because of depression, you were wrong.  I myself am finding myself surprised at just how OK I've been these past two plus months.  Sure there have been ups and downs and it's not all roses.  But seriously, I wasn't sure what "after" would look like for us and the answer is:  Pretty much what before looked like.  Only without the worry and stress that IF had.  See you soon.

My pain become physical...

So I don't know why I'm always surprised.  This has happened before in life - just not in this fashion.

First let me back up for a little explanation.
Back when I was 24 (OMG was that really 12 years ago?!) I was working for CBS in Cedar Rapids (KGAN TV) and was such an amazing sales person in just one year on the job, that when my boss got hired away to a bigger market, he secretly started talks with me, flew me out for interviews, and got me hired at the NBC station in Charleston, WV (WSAZ).  The problem was he had a clause that he couldn't hire anyone away for six months.  So I knew two months before giving notice, that I was quitting.  As time came closer, he informed me that since my first day of work was just a few days past that - he wanted me to not tell the truth as to why I was resigning.  Everyone figured it out, but legally to keep him from getting sued I had to lie (why did I not worry if I would be sued or not? IDK)  What I do know is the week leading up to resigning - I suffered neck pain, that got so bad I could not even turn my head without severe pain.  I tried everything: pain killers, massage therapy, even a chiropractor.  It was the stress.  I know that.  But admittedly, it was a trigger spot from a very old injury.  And this happens to me from time to time with sometimes no noticeable stress.  BUT more often than not, when it does happen it's from stress.  Can't find a job?  Learn dad has had a small heart attack?  Money problems?  Yep here comes that old familiar pain.

What I didn't expect was a whole new location of my stress to stab at me.

So, you know I had a UTI at the very end of the failed IVF cycle.  OK, another fun thing I get fairly often (probably 12 times in last 15 or so years?)  But I took the seven days worth of antibiotics and thought "I'm finally done with it!"  Happy to be done with both the period that was an hourly reminder I failed as a woman, the UTI meds, etc I was looking forward to - ahem reconnecting with my husband in a physical manner.  And it was either that or vigorously cleaning our master bath after it had been ignored of cleaning for three weeks (gross I know but really in an IVF cycle it's the one chore that seems to take a back seat through the bloated body).  Did those things both on Tuesday.

Wednesday woke up thinking I pulled a muscle on my left side, just below my ribs.  As the day went on however, the pain kept getting worse and worse.  So of course, I doctor googled.  And since I had just finished the meds one thing popped out at me - kidney infection or kidney stones.  While they usually come with other symptoms, they can also have none but back/side pain and happen after UTI.  Brain started swirling.  But I went about my day anyway, just moaning or saying "ouch" an awful lot.

But then I only got about 4 hours sleep that night and the pain was excruciating so I insisted Jeff take me to the emergency room yesterday at 5:30am.  ((PS Great timing in my area, because there was no one there and we had what I believe to be very quick service for an ER).  I was there a total of three hours, got an IV, blood drawn, and a CAT scan and results all in those three hours only to learn - no you hypochondriac  - it's just severely pulled muscle. Seriously?  It can hurt that bad?!  Well I feel stupid for going to the ER, but now, over 36 hours on muscle relaxers and pain meds....it still fucking hurts!  Sure it takes the edge off the pain but OMG when will it go away?  And man does this make me feel old (and fat) and in need to get in better shape to strengthen my intercostal muscles if this is how they fail me!  It hurts to sneeze, cough, walk, yawn, or even take in a really really deep breath!  GO AWAY PAIN!  As if I hadn't started to go stir crazy from "couch rest" from egg retrieval and egg transfer, I get several more days now hanging here with my meds and heating pad.  I have a good book, but joke that being loopy from these drugs I'm afraid I won't remember what I'm reading!

Surfing the waves of emotion

I feel like a total bi-polar person right now.

I go from perfectly fine to totally mess.  Jeff said we'd "talk" but then came home with a migraine for over 24 hours - so no talk happened.  And as I said, Wednesday I lived in "well, we're child free now.  That's it."  Then a bump friend sent me a message of a local clinic doing a clinical trial and I fit all of their listed criteria.  A free cycle?  I spent the day thinking about it and thought "Yes, the money is the biggest and main factor.  If I can get a free cycle, I can gear myself up for this."  Told Jeff about it last night and couldn't go to sleep with the idea of one more chance (how many times have I said that?).

And then reality comes crashing down when I call them.  I don't qualify.  Yes, I'm over 35 with regular cycles. (Check) No I don't have PCOS. (Check) Yes, I've only had 2 or fewer IVF cycles. (check) No, I've not had more than two miscarriages. (check) No, I don't have fibroids.  (Check).  Never been hyperstimulated (check)  No living children (check) Looking good right?  Do I have any other major health issues?  And then she starts listing them off...Thyroid? Nope.  Liver? Nope.  Diabetes?  - - - God damnit mother fucker.  Yes.  Yes I have controlled (non-insulin taking) diabetes.  "I'm sorry, you don't qualify.  Thank you and have a nice day."

Boom.  Less than 24 hours of a glimmer of hope.  Thanks LIFE, for teaching me a lesson to just give the fuck up.

This sucks.  There's no other way to put it.  And I know, that it being just the first few days there's no way to get off this wave of the ebb and flow of emotion - I just have to ride it out.  But damn it if it isn't so fucking hard to get your brain to just stop.  Just STOP.  Five years my brain has been hard core on this track...always thinking, always planning, always dreaming.  I feel like I'm on a train and we just hit a brick wall in front of a mountain.  And yet I keep backing up to ram into that wall again thinking I can break through.  My train doesn't understand that even behind that fuckin wall is a whole mountain.

Damn it.

It's my (pity) party and I'll cry if I want to...

Negative beta.  Zero.  

I knew it was coming yesterday when again I had a stark white HPT and then by noon I had started bleeding through the progesterone.  Yet that voicemail message still hurt to hear.  

And then to have to tell everyone, because I have had so many cheerleaders through this journey.  I have not even told my parents yet -as for me I think that will be the hardest.  I know they have had so much love and hope for Jeff and I to be parents.  I'm dreading that call.  I almost feel like chickening out and just sending it as a text message.  I know I shouldn't, but I just don't know if I can get through that phone call.  

Jeff said we can "Talk" when he gets home from work about where we go from here.  What?  I thought we were on the same page.  There's no more money.  I am physically and emotionally drained.  I had horrible response.  I don't know what or where that conversation will go.  I just don't.  But I can't imagine, my heart is guarded.  

I read something this morning that spoke to me.  I am copying the following from a blog called "Outlandish Notions"

You all know the “Infertility Island” metaphor right?  To recap, there’s a ferry that runs between Infertility Island and the mainland, call it Motherworld.  And the ferry comes, but you never know when your ticket is going to be called.  You wait and wait and hope and wave goodbye to your friends and wish them well and simultaneously feel miserable that you’re not going with them.

Then one day, for whatever reason, you realize that you simply CANNOT stay one more day on the Island.  Could be that you’re going crazy, could be that your spouse forces your hand, could be that you run out of funds, could be … any number of reasons.  But you can’t stay.  And you still can’t go to the mainland cause you don’t have a ticket for the ferry.  So you jump in the water and let the current carry you where it will.  And pretty soon, you wash up on another island downstream.  There’s a great big jungle on the side of this island that faces infertility island that’s deep, and dark, and foreboding, and hides all the villages.  But once you hack your way through the jungle, you realize that there’s a gorgeous beach and friendly neighbors with lots of tequila to share on the other side.  

The ferry doesn't come to this island (well, occasionally it’ll show up without any warning, but it’s a complete surprise because no one here expects it).  For the first few months after you wash up on the island, you force your way back through the jungle to watch the ferry travel back and forth between Infertility Island and the mainland.  It’s sad, it’s painful to watch the ferry and know that you might have been a passenger, that your ticket might have been called this month.  But after the first month or two, you get settled into your new routine and you realize how much WORK it is to trek through the jungle to watch the ferry arrive.  So you delete the arrival date from your calendar, you try to find something to keep you busy on the day the ferry arrives.  You still know it’s there, but you make a conscious decision not to keep watch for it anymore.  More time passes, and one day you realize that you really don’t know when the ferry schedule is anymore.  And the absence of that knowledge is an absence of pain.  Sometimes you’ll think about the ferry, or catch a glimpse of it as it travels over the water, and you remember.  Some days the memory is sharp and it cuts like glass and leaves you bleeding.  Some days the memory is a fleeting ghost that you catch out of the corner of your eye and then it’s gone.  But the vast majority of your time is spent doing things other than thinking about the ferry.  More time passes, and memories grower paler and the pain grows duller and then one day you wake up and it hits you: you are happy.  Not just faking it, not just the absence of pain, but true and real joy in the life you have instead of longing for a life that might have been.  And that is a wonderful day.

You know what's really sad and crazy?  I read that this morning when I was searching for comfort for moving forward child free.  And just now I went to search for it again...and I swear to god - her latest post?  She gave birth to her third child.  I guess she swam back and got her ticket in the six years since she wrote that.  But it doesn't make the sentiment any less true.  I'm tired of holding a ticket watching everyone leave wondering when (if) it will be my turn.  

And yet I can't in one day one let go.  You see a movie clip - and think "I'll teach my children that lesson. - Wait, I'm not going to have children."  You hear a name and think "That'd be a nice name for our child - wait we're not going to have any".  

There is no switch to just turn off - what you as a human have been conditioned your entire life to expect.  But I know - without a doubt -this is not the worst day of my life.  The two worst days were the day I learned of my second miscarriage and a few days later passing my dead son into this world.  And while the pain of those days cuts deep, I have had many good days - many great days- in the short time since that happened.  So I know, this too shall pass.  And I will have good days, and great days once again.  

I'm not sure if I'll blog more as I slowly and cathartically move forward.  Or if like many who move on child free, if this blog will become deserted or with posts very few and far between.  What I do know, is I am thankful for this journey and this place to write about it.  I'm not who I was before.  But I am stronger - that I know for damn sure.  Life sucks sometimes.  But what are you going to do?  That's life.  

Thank you - to all of you that have followed me through some or all of these past five years.