Good Bye 2014 Hello 2015

I know there are many with the attitude of "Good Riddance" to the past year. And here on Dec 31st I have seen several FB posts to that effect and this is another way I know I have healed...because I said that myself a few years ago in a blog- but not this year.  Yes a year ago today I was in the throes of pain from taking the miso to miscarry my son.  And yet - if I look back at the year as a whole - really not that bad.  As with any person in the world; there are highs and lows to life.  And for me this year has had extremes of both.

Extreme Low?  Jan 1st 2014 physically losing my son.  Extreme High?  Hard to say.  Hearing after six months that we finally got OK'd to move forward buying the house was pretty damn awesome.  But that trip to Nashville in April and watching the blackhawks from six rows off the ice was frickin' awesome as hell.  Karaoking, drinking, laughing and crying with my local #75Strong girls in February meant so much to me.  The fun day trips with Jeff - hell the day to day times he's made me laugh til I snort and cry were many - How does he seem to get funnier each and every year?  Daydreaming of what to do with the house, starting to pack and revisit the past while digging through old things, new clothes for Christmas, and losing 14 lbs in the last five months - it's all good!  Really the miscarriage and the end of our fertility journey (well and just how fricking long this short sale has taken) have been the only bad things about this year.  So I'm focusing on all the good.  All the fun had.  All the love I felt from family, friends, and my husband as I made it through the toughest moment in my life.  But that doesn't define me.  Yes - it has changed a part of me.  And years and years from now I'm sure most all I'll remember about this year is that loss but I want to remember that from that moment forward the year just went up - because honestly where else could it go?  But what a great up it has been.

I feel healthier both mentally and physically then I have in six years.  We're finally financially stable to get a house, have the highest credit score we've had our entire marriage and have paid off so much debt (my main goal this past year).  Our love and marriage is stronger than it's ever been.

And 2015?  Bring it on!
1.  After losing those 14lbs I feel trying to lose another 20lbs this year is actually do-able!  I know so many people put weight loss goals and I won't be too hard on myself - but it's just the belief from what I have accomplished already in five months - and that I made it through Nov & Dec without gaining any of it back (NEVER have I done that!)  Well Hell - let's keep that shit going!  Hell I only have 8lbs to go to be the lowest weight in over 15 years!

2.  This year I walked my first 5k and I'd like to do another one this year and *gasp* maybe even try and jog for some of it!  (Thanks Emmypants for being my inspiration for this one!)

3.  I want to continue and further our financial responsibility - but with the house I know this year will be tough so my one and only financial goal is to get back our "safety net"...we've had 3k in savings since March.  I know that most if not all will be used on the move, painting the first floor, cleaning the place and all that comes with a new home but I want to build that back up to end 2015 right where we are now - with that safety net.

4.  DIY/House Projects/Wood Working - this is going to be vague but while looking around the internet for things I want (objects) or projects I'd like to do for the house I keep thinking "Maybe we could do that ourselves?"  Case in point - I want to recover the dining room chairs from the flower pattern my mother put on there when I was like 8?  They are antiques that I inherited when my grandmother passed away that were originally my great grandmothers.  I want them to be plain yet - I'm thinking a cranberry color.  I also like the idea of a narrow table along the wall near the front door but don't want to pay an arm and a leg - I think I may be able to build that (maybe with the help of my DIY master friend Lauren?!)

5.  And finally - get a NEW JOB.  Once the house sale is behind us - hello job search goodbye retail!  But I know it may take a few months as the job market still is tough here in Illinois but hell - if I could increase my paycheck a little that will seriously help with our goals financially and toward the home projects.

WELCOME 2015!

A different kind of guilt

I've had IF guilt.

I've had loss guilt.

Now I have a whole different kind of guilt.  The I'm doing good guilt trip.

I see so many of my IF and or loss friends having a hard time this time of year and it breaks my heart.  I wish I had some kind of advice - but I know that since everyone handles loss, IF, depression, whatever different I don't know what to say aside from I am so sorry they are hurting and offer hugs.  And then I self question - am I really doing ok?  Yes, I really believe the first few months were the worst and the healing process for me has been progressively better as each month passes.  I even believe that because we've moved beyond the "what if" phase has helped - being child free for me had the benefit of lifting the weight of "what if?" off my shoulder.  And then I feel guilty.  Do these loss women love their lost little ones more than me?  Do these other women with four to six years of infertility under their belts too get the holiday blues from some gene I'm missing?  Hell even my SIL who didn't face IF and has two children said she can't get in the holiday spirit.

 And then here I come - humming Christmas tunes, in a genuinely cheerful mood, 90% done with shopping and wrapping gifts, fully decorated home, full of holiday spirit that I feel like Buddy in the movie ELF.  And I can't help but wonder - did I bury the grief so deep in a secret hidden box that one of these days I'll just totally have a melt down?  Or did I get so hurt by IF and loss that I became a robot?  No - that's not true.  Those stupid Folgers Coffee commercials with a grandma and grandchild looking at ornaments still makes me tear up and then think "Lucky fuckers".  And yes, I'm dreading New Years Eve and Day because of it being the day I passed my son into this world.  (P.S. I'm still planning on drinking a shit ton to get through it.)  And I've already decided I will be finding someone to work for me that night/next day if I'm scheduled to work - hell I'll call in as mentally sick and tell them why if no one will take my shift - I don't give a rats ass.  I will be drunk or hung over.  But daily?  Jeff makes me laugh.  I love LOVE looking for that perfect gift for loved ones.  I love penguins in santa hats on wrapping paper.  I love flannel pajamas.  I love looking at the lights on in neighborhoods. I love having snowflakes painted on my nails.

I've seen others saying Christmas is best through the eyes of children.  And yes, I'm missing out on that.  But not fully.  I have five nephews.  I've been with them all for many a Christmas morning.  I wrote notes to Santa and left out cookies.  I've tracked his sleigh on Norad for them.  I get to see all the adorable pictures of my friends in little elf costumes and on santa's lap.

So to those of you who are having a hard time this holiday season - again I say I am so sorry you are hurting.  And I offer you creepy internet hugs as loving and squishy as they come.  But for people who think you need kids to enjoy Christmas - wrong!  I can and AM enjoying the shit out of this Holiday.  I still put on John Denver and the Muppets Christmas Album to decorate my tree and probably will until the day I die.  I will always look for wrapping paper with penguins on it.  I will play along with any kid who believes in santa and even insist to the ones that don't that we're leaving out cookies and milk.  Because damn it I did that before the grandkids came along when I was in my teens and 20s - just cause some are teenagers now don't poop on my holiday spirit.  I will watch Ralphie get his Red Rider BB Gun with a compus and a stock and this thing that tells time before going to sleep.  While there is nothing wrong with not having the holiday spirit - and I don't try to tell people to "move on" or "get over it" or "cheer up" - please don't make me feel guilty for having it.

saying goodbye to old friends

So over five years ago I went to my parents and rented a UHaul a few months after my grandmother had passed, in order to drive home my dining room table and hutch.  It was originally my great grandmother Katy's (whom I was named after), then it was my mothers.  When my grandmother passed - my mom took her set and I got the antique!  But since we had a Uhaul, my parents also wanted me to take a few boxes of childhood items in the thought that eventually if I had a little girl I could share my beloved possessions.  Well over five years later and here we are...I need to start packing for the move.

So I decided to start in the least used room in the town house - the guest bedroom.  And in this closet held much of my childhood.  In one box was a collection of books I read around ages 8-10.  Harriet the Spy was my favorite.  I decided to just take the whole dang box off to our local library so that hopefully so other little girls could enjoy the adventures within the pages.  Then the stuffed animals.  Well - some.  We still can't find a box my parents must have with my absolute favorites.  Anyway, I kept three that have special meaning.  I took ten (after a good wash and dry to remove the dusty smell) off to Goodwill to bring smiles to other children.  And I have six that some people might find collectible to put up on ebay to see if they get a bite (Muppet Babies and Opus).  I also got a breast pump that my dad got me for free when he worked for Medela back in 2000 wrapped up to mail off to one of my fellow IFers who has become PG after five years and going the foster to adopt route.  Yes, it was slightly sad that the reason I was purging this closet was because there will never be a little girl to call our own - but I also felt really good donating all these things because while they touched my life they will touch so many more now.

I've said before that one thing I find sad about being childless is that I won't have anyone to pass the stories, traditions, and history of me down to others.  I think that's inherently human.  But I can at least pass on the smiles.  BUT since the internet is forever (so they say) I think I will start to every now and then blog about stories and memories as a therapeutic way to know they are out there.

And so a quick story about two of the things I got rid of today that are tied to one thing - the annual work Christmas Party my parents would go to when I was a kid.  My dad worked for Alberto Culver (they make shampoo and hair spray and such - or at least did in the 80s...I honestly don't know if they're still in business)  Each year, their party had a theme and center pieces around the theme.  One year it was "Carousel" (Slightly Paris too).  My Dad got one of the center pieces and made it into a lamp as part of my room design for my 10th birthday.  Today I put this horse on the curb for trash pick up as I don't have the shade anymore, don't even know if it works, and it's got a stain so I don't even want to try to sell it.  Goodbye Nelly - thanks for being the light of my room for five years as a tween.

Another year, the theme was the Jungle.  And my dad brought back a giant Monkey "Coco" and Elephant "Mr. Snuffles".  Mr. Snuffles still resides at my parents house and was enjoyed years ago by my nephew Jack.  But today I said goodbye to Coco as she went off to donation.  Please ignore the double chin and pony tail hair... at the last minute I decided to do a selfie and didn't take the time to frame the shot properly.

Floor Plan - way too much fun

So there is this website that is waaay too much fun that let's you (for free) design floor plans.  You can do a room or the whole level.  *But note you can't do one room at a time and then link them, or not that I could see.  So I spent much of this evening doing the entire house.  

House Update!

So it *only* took 173 days from the day we put an offer in on the house to hear the short sale is approved! LOL.  I really never ever expected a "short sale" to take this long.  I know they said it could take a while, but everyone expected four to five months for us to be fully moved in.  It will be seven months probably from day of offer (May 31st) to the day we're hoping to close (Dec. 31st).  Whew.

But now a different nerve wracking wait begins - the mortgage approval.  Yes, we were pre-approved eight months ago.  And it was after our hard work of getting our credit rate in better shape to be able to even qualify.  And yes, we've continued to make smart choices in these past eight months to keep our credit looking good - and maybe even raise up.  But there is still that fear and the reasoning is a little hard to explain - but let me try.

July 2013 we noticed Jeff's check was larger.  Turns out his law school student loan was paid off; after 20 years...TWENTY YEARS people!  I had him double triple check with his HR department because I joked when we got married that we'd be paying it off until we retire.  HR checked and said "Yep, you've fulfilled what they said you owe."  Woohoo!  Then about three months ago Jeff got a letter from the Dept of Education saying he owed money on it.  The letter looked suspicious so we thought perhaps it was a scam trying to steal his info (because it did ask for SSN and the like) but after a call to government nope - it's real.  So we did the initial appeal, because how can he still owe money if the wage garnishment that we'd been paying for years said we paid it off?  They claim it happens all the time; and quite frankly we still don't understand where the mix up is.  But after a month or so, the appeal was denied.  (When does the government actually work *fast*? When you don't want them to.)  The next step would be to bring it to court for further appeal and what are the chances of winning that?  And what would that cost be upfront compared to just paying off what they say we still owe over time?  So we think we'll just swallow this shit.  But because we were not paying for over a year does it show up in a credit report as delinquent?  No one seems to be able to answer that question.  And how unfair would that be?! That we would have kept paying if we were not told it was paid.  Because no one seems to be able to answer that.  We're hoping that the answer is no, because if it was yes - wouldn't they be able to tell us that?  But instead we have to just sit and hope this doesn't screw us out of our home.    It KILLS me that no one can answer that simple question of if it will show up suddenly on our credit report (as it hasn't yet).

But let's get back to the happy news of at least this wait will be short.  Awaiting mortgage approval will not drag out like the short sale approval.  But now let's address the other fear.  The fear that comes from being IF turned Child Free living.  You get so used to getting your hopes up for the last several years for them all the fall apart in terms of having a child that you think that will happen to other things in your life.  This time last year I learned that I was pregnant.  Only for five weeks later for my world to come crashing down.  So I guess I'm waiting for that shoe to drop because I can't possibly get something in life I want, right?  There is some bad karma from a past life fucking with me, right?  But then I tell myself that's a dumb way to think  - one doesn't have anything to do with the other.  And hell, I hit the jackpot in finding an awesome husband and I never worry about that.  So I'm trying to do some positive thinking.  But once again, I am asking the universe for a little good juju.  Please?  I'm so ready to start this new chapter in our lives.

Halloween and fears ahead

I love halloween.  Like looooove halloween.  I like being able to dress up as someone else.  I don't know why but that aspect is a big part of it.  I guess since I liked playing dress up as a child it shouldn't be too surprising.  But I also love to see all the cute pictures of kiddos.  And cuties coming to our door.  And candy!  And it's during my favorite time of year  - FALL.  I'm addicted to the leaves changing and getting to wear sweaters and boots.  But being married to someone who doesn't love halloween admittedly puts a damper on it.  Do I get a little jealous that I don't have a little one to show off in their cute little outfit? Of course!  But strangely what makes me more jealous now - is when I see a husband that likes halloween.  I can't go all out on halloween because Jeff won't dress up, won't go out.  Blah.

I decided I was dressing up.  No I didn't go all out - I went as Axl Rose.  Just need a red bandana and plaid flannel over Guns and Roses t shirt.  That's what I liked about it, it was regular clothes and fairly simple so as not to be over the top to Jeff but still in the spirit of halloween.  But it just made me realize how fun it was to dress up again.  Double edged sword.  First world problems right?

But damnit I enjoyed the holiday - I carved my pumpkin (which Jeff thinks is cute that I love the holiday that much that I do it), I roasted the seeds, I made a fall wreath, and damn it I dressed up!  Because while Jeff and I are so similar in most ways, I decided I was embracing this difference.  Now if only next year we had a party to go to and I could convince him to go all out.

the design vs my free hand carve

But with the turn to November - we are facing something scarier than halloween...the milestones that will be coming up in the next two months.  On Nov 15th last year I had my FET.  And over Thanksgiving week (M, W, F) is when I had my betas to learn we were pregnant.  And on Dec 27th we learned sometime earlier in the week, our son had passed (I morbidly believe it was Christmas Day because Christmas Eve night I had morning sickness and on Christmas it was like most all my pregnancy symptoms went away).  And on New Years Eve I took the miso and at 5am New Years Day I passed our son into this world.  All three frickin holidays.  But it's been a year of mourning and healing - so I'm not dreading the holidays.  I love them - and I don't want our loss to change that.  I know I will have moments of sadness.  I'm preparing myself for that.  But I'm also doing everything I always love to do for the season.  I've designed our Christmas card, I've started planning out gifts for everyone, and knowing what dish I'm cooking for Thanksgiving.  While I'm not religious, I will be giving thanks this year that Jeff and I have come out of the darkness stronger.  I know not all marriages survive infertility - and I'm very thankful for our love.  So maybe FDR was right - the only thing to fear, is the fear itself.  I can get over this fear - in part because I've gotten over worse.

But want to hear something I'm doing as a remembrance if you will of the year?  For the first 35 years of my life, my mom would buy us our annual Christmas ornament.  Last year as she retired, she and my dad decided that was one tradition that they'd have to give up to cut back on Christmas costs so I've taken up the tradition for Jeff and I.  And because of this post and realization that my heart has grown larger this year from the love and support of my groups over the loss of our son - this years ornament for me is this Grinch.  As soon as I saw it, I was like "That's the one!"  It will forever remind me that even in the worst of times, my life was filled with love.  Maybe strange... but child like and whimsical seems fitting to encompass the emotion.  I want to hold on to the good.  And look how cute!  And it even has sound of part of the story that talks about his heart growing three sizes.  And THAT my dear readers is part of what this holiday is about and what it will mean to me this year.

My Kryptonite - doctors

So the past four months I've had to tell various people that we are done with trying for a child.  You could say it's my own fault for being so open with people about our trying and IF.  But that's who I am.  I came from a mother who we call "tells you more than you want to know" (because she's the type in a grocery store line that will chat up the stranger behind her and the cashier).  Case in point...when she was visiting me in August we went to Tar get (where I work) to get her buttermilk.  I didn't see any so I had to ask two coworkers for help.  She started telling them she needed it to keep from getting canker sores in her mouth. MOM!  Stop it!  But I digress - I'm sure this is one reason why I am so open.

So as I was saying, I'm fairly used to telling people about our fertility journey and now the end of it.  In fact, I'd say I have a 'party line' when people ask.  I say "After five years, six IUI cycles, two IVFs, one FET, two miscarriages, and over $30,000 - we're done."  It's like it's my defense response because I feel if I lay out just how long, all we did and what we spent - then they'll think I didn't give up without a fight.  Like I want to feel justified in ending.  Now of course this often leads to a bit more conversation than this one sentence - but I've handled it great...

That is until I'm faced with a doctor.  I don't know why they are my kryptonite; but they are.  I start talking to them, giving them the party line - and tears start streaming down my face.  Which tends to lead to move conversation on it, and more tears.  And it's like a snowball - if they stopped talking, I could wipe the few tears and go back to being fine but the more they probe the more the tears flow.

But I love my GP.  We were doing my annual physical and then she asked and I told her.  And we talked.  And finally she ended the conversation with what I believe to be true  - Well, you're not depressed - you're in mourning.  BOOM.  She got me.  Talk about an A-HA moment.   I had earlier been talking about work and house hunting, and just - life.  And I am fine and happy with life.  I am not depressed.  But I am still in mourning.  It'd be like if you talked to a person about their grandma dying - it's sad, but you had seen it coming for a while.  Doesn't mean you don't feel joy in much of your life, just if you bring up that topic I'm still mourning.

In one of my groups, COA there was an update thread.  And I was sort of bragging on how well we're doing with moving on child free.  I can't help it.  I really feared I would be a mess.  I considered starting therapy - as there is nothing wrong with asking for help when needed.  And I'm not saying I'm stronger than others for not needing it.  And every now and then I still think maybe I should have.   But I'm pleasantly surprised that I'm really fine without it.  Just every now and then, I'm in mourning.