Missed Miscarriage at 8w3d

I had finally started to really believe it.  I was still a little nervous each Friday but it had gotten so less.  We were making jokes and laughing before our appointment.  I had even spent the morning writing in the pregnancy journal my SIL had gotten me for Christmas.  Only to walk into the ultrasound ready to see the heartbeat for the third time and our baby to be twice the size of last week.  But instead I was laying there and said "You're freaking me out - I don't see the heartbeat flicker."  And my favorite tech took a breath, moved the wand a little more and said "I'm so sorry but neither do I."

I grabbed for Jeff's hand as she looked at my angel for a few more seconds before confirming it's over.

And then the world ended.

Thankfully I was their last patient of the morning because I'm sure the entire office heard my scream.  Crying out "No!"  She left the room and let me cry in Jeff's arms for, I don't know, a good ten minutes before I just wanted to get the fuck out of there.  I hated laying there naked from the waist down with that paper sheet so I got dressed and they came in again apologizing that they needed to take my blood.  Because I had been hyperventilating she couldn't get my vein in my left arm (I always give blood from my left and am a easy stick).  They had to have me lay down, drink water and do some deep breathing before they were able to get the two vials.

I was told to expect a call that afternoon from my RE.  When he finally called he didn't have much to say - I believe he mentioned the blood work will help tell us if I had antibodies that attacked my child but I'm not sure because the conversation was kind of a blur.  What I do remember is saying they don't do D&C's unless medically necessary - which freaks the shit out of me.  To be honest my chemical pregnancy I started bleeding right away before the second beta so it was naturally happening before I even knew it was over.  This?  I'm not bleeding.  Instead I'm walking around knowing I have my dead child inside me.  I stopped all the meds as instructed but I really don't think I can handle miscarrying at home.

*graphic warning**skip this paragraph if you want to avoid horror*  He said I'd need to decide if I want to "collect the tissue" for genetic testing.  I was hyperventilating the sheer idea of doing this at home but then the idea of the "choice" between flushing or collecting?  Holy motherfucking hell!  Both sounds like the worst thing in the world.  I spent some of last night reading online what to expect from taking the miso (cyclotec) and basically it will put me into labor (or some refer to it as home abortion - God how I want to have never seen that word).  People talk about losing so much blood that two I read passed out.  And at eight weeks I will expect to not only see massive clots of tissue, that my baby will be a "grey ball" of tissue.  Kill me.  I don't think I can take this.  I know others have said I'm one of the strongest people they know, but I don't think I'm this strong.  I don't think I can take this.  I know others have done this, and I know others have been through years of infertility.  But I think sometimes I've used up all of my strength on these past four and a half years.  I'm so fucking drained.

And then there is the "Is this the end of our journey to become parents?"  We'd said that because of finances this IVF was the end of the road for us.  But now the choice is - can we afford to take a 401K loan for OOP IVF?  I figure it will be about $15K.  But we want to buy a house and live our damn lives - can I put our lives on hold yet again for the sheer chance that might again just end in this heartbreak?  I just don't know.  Jeff of course when I screamed out at the office "We'll never be parents" that we didn't have to decide that now.  I just don't know where to go from here.