There are many ways for someone that has fought infertility to feel guilty. And I'm sure that I've been one of the people to cause a little of that for friends who made it to "the other side".
If they complain to someone still suffering with infertility that person (me not too long ago) would think (or say) "I would give anything to deal with *blank*" And I KNOW I said that to my IRL IF friend Lauren once when she mentioned that she'd love to just be able to have one drink, just one alcoholic drink. And so I will make it my mission to not say anything like that to someone dealing with infertility.
However, what I did not expect was not being able to complain (*Or not even complain, but just state facts) to my father and have him make me feel guilty for saying or even thinking them. He asked how I was doing yesterday and I said I was having a little pity party: I had the biggest zit I've had for years on the corner of my mouth, I had really chapped lips and I was afraid the chapstick was only making the zit worse, and to top it off I believe I was getting a UTI so yep burning when I pee. I wasn't looking for answers, nor even more than a simple "I'm sorry, that sucks" but instead I got "Well you asked for this so put a smile on and just accept it." I'm sorry what?!
No seriously, WHAT?! Yes I ask for anything and everything that comes with being pregnant. And I will say it's all worth it - without a doubt. And I'll say I'll take it! But "smile"? Why? Because as if over four years of heartache wasn't enough of a challenge now I'm supposed to also keep my mouth shut for anything that's happening from here on out? Does this mean for the next 20 years I can't complain about anything to do with the child?! FUCK THAT.
I understand the "Be aware of your audience and use sensitivity." No problem! I won't complain to those dealing with IF about any aches and pains or costs of a child or sleepless nights or stretch marks. It'd be like complaining to someone in a wheelchair that my legs hurt from walking. But I'm seriously going to have to have a heart to heart with him if he pulls this again (or others). I am human damnit. I am entitled to my feelings. When I say simply what I'm dealing with, it's because you asked.
Now please understand, dear readers, that I started this blog for me. And that's how I'll always view it. It's like an online diary that happens to be open to the public. But at it's core, it's for me. So I cannot use that same sensitivity here. If you unfollow me know that I'm pregnant, I totally understand. I never have pulled punches for you when it came to what I was dealing with with infertility, and I don't plan on sugar coating things now that I got what I wished for. I still live in daily fear of miscarriage (and will that stop until I have my child in my arms?) But no matter what I will be me.
Ice bar in Vegas 2012
That stinks that your father made you feel guilty for 'complaining' (you were not complaining though... you were answering his question!). And I think you have every right to complain about the discomforts you are experiencing with your pregnancy! It is very considerate of you to refrain in front of any IFers who haven't made it over to the other side (I think we all make the same promise... we know how deeply hurtful it can be), but as you said, this is your blog! I'll still be stalking you for pregnancy updates and rooting you on as you prepare for the next chapter :)
ReplyDeleteWell said! I have to admit that I agree 100% with you - it's your space, your story, and you shouldn't have to sugar coat for your readers. Afterall, from my experience anyway, I hope to get pregnant, and I hope that WHEN I get pregnant, others will rejoice with me, knowing what a struggle it's been. I am so happy for you!!! I look forward to reading more about your pregnancy journey!!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand where you are coming from. I had a lot of feelings of guilt, especially when talking about how I was doing. In the first tri, I got asked that a lot. And while I was lucky to feel good most of the time, I did feel bad if I told the truth because I felt like it was seen as complaining. Plus, like you, I felt guilty when I would talk about it on my blog. But, I also realized that the blog is like my journal and pregnancy is not all puppies and rainbows. I don't want to sugarcoat the bad days by ignoring and pretending like they didn't happen. If I don't write about them, then I will forget and sometimes remembering the bad moments is as important as writing down the great moments.
ReplyDeleteKeep writing and keep telling your story. This is your story. IF wasn't a pretty story to tell either but by withholding the details about it and similarly the bad parts about pregnancy, we are doing a disservice to those by lying to them.
I'm sorry he wasn't more supportive in that moment and I hope that doesn't happen again. Please do keep it honest and open here, we all need to know what it's like on the other side! Congratulations again :)
ReplyDeleteBitch all you want! You're pregnant, not a saint. And yes you may have "asked" (read: begged, pleaded, bargained, and cried) for this- but that doesn't mean that you have to slap a smile on and be this glowing pregnant woman and supermom.
ReplyDeleteYou're allowed to complain about the fatigue, the nausea, the aches and pains. And honestly those of us who "know" you and know what you've been through will not begrudge you one iota for it.