Saying it Out Loud

So since IUI#2 failed over a week ago, I've been falling asleep on the couch early in the evenings.  I had a small hope that what I had was not my period, but break through bleeding and the reason I was so tired was that I actually was pregnant.  So I tested again.  Still negative.  Then I finally admitted to my mom that maybe I was falling asleep because of being depressed.  But I said, "Not depressed the way people in depression fall asleep because they don't want to face the world.  I'm just so tired from the depression of it not working that I'll be watching a show on TV and next thing I know Jeff is waking me up to go upstairs to bed."  My mom agreed that the stress of it all was sucking my energy. 
Then Tuesday night Jeff mentioned that I have not snorted in several days.  Yes people, I snort when I laugh.  I'll admit it.  He like to tickle me until I snort and he said I had not snorted for days (he usually can get two or three snorts out of me a day).  I had not noticed, but obviously he had.  I said that maybe it's because I've been a bit depressed.  He asked why?  Duh!  I said because we have to wait and save for until August or Sept. in order to try again. 
I thought since I had said it out loud to my mom, I had excepted the idea that this time it really did effect me.  But not until I said it out loud to Jeff did it really set in.  I can't just brush this one off.  I was upset last time but we were on vacation and I knew we were going to try again in a matter of weeks.  And I don't know, for some reason I just felt like I knew it wouldn't work the first time but that it would the second time.  And since it didn't I for some reason have taken it to mean it's never going to happen. 
Yesterday was really tough in the morning at work.  There seemed to be kids crying all over the store, and it just made my heart break a little more.  I felt better in the afternoon but still I noticed Jeff didn't even tickle me last night at all :(.
I've heard about some women on the bump talk about how trouble TTC has effected their relationship and I always thought how wonderful it was that Jeff and I seem to be able to avoid that.  We don't find scheduled sex a chore (yet) and life is very similar to what it was before the trouble started.  And yet yesterday seemed off.  I hope it is only temporary and the snorts from tickling resume soon. 
It's just amazing sometimes what saying something out loud will do.

No real surprise there

So IUI#2 didn't work. No real big surprise there. I know that it's possible, every month for one little sperm to make it...but the odds were not with us so I didn't have high hopes. I've just emailed my doctor looking for answers on why my leutal phase is shorter on clomid, and why he might think DH's sample was so low after two much better samples. And finally if he has any other suggestions on what the hell we can do to make it successful. I look forward to what he has to say. However, now we have to wait to try again. I think we have about $250 left in our HSA account so we'll have to save about $550 to do a third try. So it looks like we'll wait until either late July (two cycles from now) or mid August to do another one. :( I think I'm finding that most depressing...having to wait. I secret have a small hope that my parents upon hearing this will offer to just give us the money, but at the same time don't want them to. I'm torn.

Of course late July would be good because Jeff would already be off work because the IUI would be right about the day before Founders Days start (he's this years president) but at the same time he's sooooo stressed out for that, it might be the worst time in the world to bother. :(

The good thing about being pissed off this early in the morning about getting my period - I'm already on the second load of laundry. Dishes are soaking. Kitchen is clean. House is vacuumed. And it's only 8:45! I'm a stress-cleaner. Our house will be sparkling!

Stab. Twist

So tonight I've seen several gals with the IUI done today bragging about their husband's wonderful counts. "262 million!" "Mine had 170 post wash!" And it just feels like a knife stabbing right into my heart. And then twisting.

I wonder, is this how some women feel when I post that I always ovulate be cd15? Or that my follies grow fast and I have ones over 18mm by cd10? I'm sure it is. I don't mean to torture them anymore then they are trying to rub it in my face...but it still hurts.

A lot.

Well this just sucks!

So IUI #2 was this morning. Last time, DH had 70 million pre wash in 1.5ml (46mil/ml). The post wash was 9mil with 3 mil motile. This time there was only 13 million pre wash in 1.5ml. So 9 mil/ml pre wash. This ended up one million total post wash and half million motile. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?!?! I know we have a MFI dx and that the first SA was only 19mil/ml but I really thought we had that part behind us. I thought the vitamins were our miracle answer and that coupled with IUI would be our ticket out of IF world.
The nurse told me the TMS was 500,000 before she even stuck the cath in, so I was feeling defeated before we even had the IUI. I have felt like crying ever since. But I don't want DH to feel bad so I'm trying to be OK with it. But he did have to hear me say "I don't understand!!" when I got home and was comparing the analysis side by side. We both think it might be because there was the hour time line from having to go to a further away location than our normal clinic that is just eight minutes away. Also there was that one month when we forgot to reorder DH's vitamin's and didn't have the $$ after Christmas for it but that was four months ago so we thought all would be OK.
I'm just so mad at the universe right now. Yes I know it only takes one but since we have not had one make it in 26 other cycles I'm kind of like "why would it work now with such a low count?" And yes I know I should try and be positive - and I will. Later. Right now it's like I need to have my day to wallow in self pity. MOTHER FUCKER!

IUI # 2 tomorrow & weepy thoughts

So I have not blogged in a while, might as well catch up a bit. We took a break last cycle because we were in Reno for the start of it. The trip was a great get away from life and TTC. We won a thousand dollars on a slot!
Then May 7th started the cycle of IUI #2. I took 50 mg of clomid cd3-7 and yesterday was my ultrasound. I have one follicle at "perfect" size, and two more that might ovulate as well if they grew enough yesterday and today. My lining was a bit thin (5.5) so I'm taking estrodiol for five days internally to help with that (oh what fun - yuck). I took the trigger shot this morning and have the IUI tomorrow at 8am. I am soooooo hoping this is it for us as it's our last on our HSA account. If we need to do 3 or 4, it will be a bit of a wait (probably three months each time) to save for the costs. **Thus my post just before this about OOP IF treatments getting a tax credit! Please write your senators!!!

Well as I was writing my personal message to Mark Kirk and Dick Durbin here in NW Chicagoland I go a bit weepy. I wrote in my personal message that it's heartbreaking every day to see pregnant women, baby pictures, little boys playing baseball, girls dace recitals, prom, graduation, and weddings knowing I may never experience this as a proud mom. **tears flow as I was typing** I'm sure it's the drugs and all but this was just tough.
As was watching How I Met You Mother this week. I just knew Lily was pregnant as soon as she thought she had food poisoning. And I teared up again. Dang hormones, I think Jeff just tried not to notice I was feeling a little too emotionally attached to a TV character.
And finally, I saw a post on my wonderful support group... 3T on the bump. It was called "compliment a Bumpie" and two ladies thanked me for being so supportive, informative and for putting together the facebook Post A Day for National INfertility Awareness week back in April. OMG did I tear up seeing that. It was several days old so I didn't get to personally thank them but my heart is overflowing with love.
I have several women that touched me - Chupie & SarahL back when I was on TTGP, Mari, Magnolia, Amber and Glow that thankfully have now moved on (shout out as they are all Chicagoland gals!!) and some of the regs that have been around as long as I have LGL, Ashleyann, Zook, Orange - - they are all so deserving. I am happy to be supportive for the newer gals and am getting to know and feel a kin-ship with so many of them, too many to list honestly, but I can't help but feel sad. Once again I feel like I'm being left behind...there are fewer and fewer women that I know I've known for these last two years. There are only like four or five of us left that have *always* been here. It's like going to college and everyone starts graduating. I feel like I'm the stupid kid in class because I can't seem to pass.
I really hope this is it, and someone else can be happy to miss me because I'm tired of feeling like a failure.

Legislation on Out of Pocket Infertility treatments!

The Senate has a bill on the floor S965 AKA the Family Act 2011 that will give a tax credit to those of us that are out of pocket on fertility treatments. This would be a HUGE help to those of us forking out thousands of dollars in order to fulfill our dreams of becoming parents. To all my followers and those who only stumble upon my page....please go to the resolve.org webpage to send an email to your senators to help make this bill a law.
**And for those of you my age you can now start singing "I'm just a bill, up on Capitol Hill." from School House Rocks! :)

Thoughts on Mothers Day

So Mothers Day is just around the corner. I've bought my mom a pedicure and mailed off her card, rescheduled work a bit to go to SIL's for bunch & hot tubing time with MIL, etc. But how do I prepare my heart for the day? Mothers day is just one day a year but infertility is *celebrated* every.frickin. day. (*can you hear the sarcasm oozing thru your screen?*) To add to the fun, this year Mothers Day should coincide with the start of cycle 26. That's right, I'll be getting my period when I'm already going to be in a heightened state of misery. At work, they give mom's a red rose. Last year they asked because they were not sure if I had children (thanks for that Target) and I swear if someone asks me on Sunday I may have to pull out a throat punch. I have to work from 5am to 10:30am, and head straight to SIL's brunch - tired and moody. But I am going to try and enjoy myself. Enjoy the mimosa's. Enjoy the hot tub. Enjoy the laughs my nephews bring. Now all I need to be prepared for is one of my FIL's notorious foot-in-mouth statements.
For those of you that are now moms, or pregnant and anticipating the arrival of your miracle, I wish you a wonderful and happy Mothers Day. And for those of us dealing with IF, I wish us a day without tears...and maybe filled with a little liquor and chocolate. :)