Two Years fly by....

Two years.    That's how long since we started TTC.  I remember it perfectly.  We married in June and I said I wanted to stay on BCP that first month so I could drink at our town's festival without worry. HA!  That was seven hundred and thirty days ago. Thinking I might be as lucky as my BFF and have a "honeymoon" baby.  Looking back at how naive I was, it is too funny.  I found "The bump.com" about two weeks into our TTC and started charting the same day.  It's now been 28 cycles.  I am on cd4 of cycle 29.  If I had conceived on that first month of trying, I'd now be the mother of a  14 or 15 month old.  But instead what am I?  An infertile looking back on two years of heartache.  The first time I cried over a failed cycle was September of '09, thinking for sure I was PG that month.  I can tell you now I am so much stronger than I was back then - - - but I'd trade that strength any day for a child.   But am I really any different? Nope.  I still have hope every.single.cycle.every.single day.  I have become more educated and an advocate for infertility, but I'm still that sad hopeful sap wanting nature to work.  Wanting to one day pee on a stick and see two pink lines. 

Today is my parent's 40th wedding anniversary.  I made them a YouTube video to thank them for showing my brother and I what true love looks like.  It's filled with photos of my parents as high school sweethearts, and married at age 22.  Family pictures through out the years, and then dancing at my friends weddings.  My mom cried and said it was the most priceless gift a mother could ask for.  All I could think of was "will I ever have kids to do something like this for me?"  I would rather give her the gift of news that she will be a grandmother to my children. 

I wish looking back on two years I could have some great blog post to inspire, not only my few readers,but myself.  But all I have is the truth and my feelings.  And as always, that sliver of hope in the back of my mind that continues to whisper "Don't give up."  And so I move ahead another day, like I have every day for the last seven hundred and thirty days thinking - well, we'll just keep trying.  TTC 2+.

Going stir crazy!

So I am learning to accept that you cannot avoid the speed bumps in life.  Our most recent speed bump?  Me being a klutz!  In our garage we have two wooden steps and at the bottom of the second step is a cinder block.  It's only about an inch below the last step - so it's always been a little weird, but for the three+ years we've lived here, it's never been a problem.  On Thursday June 30th I was on the phone to the automated system with Walgreen's and hit the last stair/cinder block part uneven.  My ankle rolled to one side and I fell almost flat on my face.  Missing by inches, my face hitting my licence plate. 

I lay on the garage floor screaming obscenities for a good five minutes.

After finally deciding I should see if I could stand I limped my way back into the house.  No grocery shopping for me!  It's now been six days hanging at home with my leg up on pillows.  We decided to see a doctor the day after because my brother in law (a physical therapist) said it could be broken from the level of pain, swelling, and bruising I had going on.  Thankfully, it was not broken - they just believe the tendons are very stretched out from the severe sprain.  So I get to wear a fashionable boot for three weeks. 

Until I can take this boot off and walk on my own...I'm going stir crazy! I can go back to work tomorrow - which will at least get my butt of this damn couch. I cannot imagine what the women on bed rest go through. Because six days of nothing but TV, Books, and internet - I can't take much more. Jeff has been great at taking care of me. But I'm not one to be waited on. I am usually a couch potato, but with moments here and there of cleaning, or running errands, or visiting friends. This long of just sitting here makes me crazy!

Oh and I've been not working for this whole time, missing out on over $200.  Add in new medical bills to add to our growing pile and I no longer see saving for IUI#3 this year as an option.  Looks like we will just be holding off until January when our HSA get refilled.  Plus I'd like to look into switching plans when there is open enrollment to see if we can't get more infertility treatment coverage - since currently we are totally out of pocket.  So Jeff will be 40 and I'll be 34 before we can do another assisted cycle.  But that's just another speed bump of life. 

Sometimes I feel the "life isn't fair" weight pushing down on me.  But I am reminding myself that there are plenty of people in the infertility world older than us.  And while saving & waiting may be hard...at least we have options available to us and we are able to do something....at some point.

So speed bump - you may think you've won but nothing - NOTHING, will keep me from my goals.  You may slow me down a moment in life, but it's just that.  A moment.  And this moment, like all others will pass with time.

Happy 2nd Anniversary to us!! A post in Pics

Two years ago today I married my best friend, my love, my courage and my strength! Jeff you have truely made the last two years wonderful. I love you more and more each day.

 

You make me laugh every single day!  For that I am the happiest woman.

 Someday we will be old and gray talking about our beautiful wedding day and the years together. 

Thank you for being my partner in everyway! Love you baby!!

Saying it Out Loud

So since IUI#2 failed over a week ago, I've been falling asleep on the couch early in the evenings.  I had a small hope that what I had was not my period, but break through bleeding and the reason I was so tired was that I actually was pregnant.  So I tested again.  Still negative.  Then I finally admitted to my mom that maybe I was falling asleep because of being depressed.  But I said, "Not depressed the way people in depression fall asleep because they don't want to face the world.  I'm just so tired from the depression of it not working that I'll be watching a show on TV and next thing I know Jeff is waking me up to go upstairs to bed."  My mom agreed that the stress of it all was sucking my energy. 
Then Tuesday night Jeff mentioned that I have not snorted in several days.  Yes people, I snort when I laugh.  I'll admit it.  He like to tickle me until I snort and he said I had not snorted for days (he usually can get two or three snorts out of me a day).  I had not noticed, but obviously he had.  I said that maybe it's because I've been a bit depressed.  He asked why?  Duh!  I said because we have to wait and save for until August or Sept. in order to try again. 
I thought since I had said it out loud to my mom, I had excepted the idea that this time it really did effect me.  But not until I said it out loud to Jeff did it really set in.  I can't just brush this one off.  I was upset last time but we were on vacation and I knew we were going to try again in a matter of weeks.  And I don't know, for some reason I just felt like I knew it wouldn't work the first time but that it would the second time.  And since it didn't I for some reason have taken it to mean it's never going to happen. 
Yesterday was really tough in the morning at work.  There seemed to be kids crying all over the store, and it just made my heart break a little more.  I felt better in the afternoon but still I noticed Jeff didn't even tickle me last night at all :(.
I've heard about some women on the bump talk about how trouble TTC has effected their relationship and I always thought how wonderful it was that Jeff and I seem to be able to avoid that.  We don't find scheduled sex a chore (yet) and life is very similar to what it was before the trouble started.  And yet yesterday seemed off.  I hope it is only temporary and the snorts from tickling resume soon. 
It's just amazing sometimes what saying something out loud will do.

No real surprise there

So IUI#2 didn't work. No real big surprise there. I know that it's possible, every month for one little sperm to make it...but the odds were not with us so I didn't have high hopes. I've just emailed my doctor looking for answers on why my leutal phase is shorter on clomid, and why he might think DH's sample was so low after two much better samples. And finally if he has any other suggestions on what the hell we can do to make it successful. I look forward to what he has to say. However, now we have to wait to try again. I think we have about $250 left in our HSA account so we'll have to save about $550 to do a third try. So it looks like we'll wait until either late July (two cycles from now) or mid August to do another one. :( I think I'm finding that most depressing...having to wait. I secret have a small hope that my parents upon hearing this will offer to just give us the money, but at the same time don't want them to. I'm torn.

Of course late July would be good because Jeff would already be off work because the IUI would be right about the day before Founders Days start (he's this years president) but at the same time he's sooooo stressed out for that, it might be the worst time in the world to bother. :(

The good thing about being pissed off this early in the morning about getting my period - I'm already on the second load of laundry. Dishes are soaking. Kitchen is clean. House is vacuumed. And it's only 8:45! I'm a stress-cleaner. Our house will be sparkling!

Stab. Twist

So tonight I've seen several gals with the IUI done today bragging about their husband's wonderful counts. "262 million!" "Mine had 170 post wash!" And it just feels like a knife stabbing right into my heart. And then twisting.

I wonder, is this how some women feel when I post that I always ovulate be cd15? Or that my follies grow fast and I have ones over 18mm by cd10? I'm sure it is. I don't mean to torture them anymore then they are trying to rub it in my face...but it still hurts.

A lot.

Well this just sucks!

So IUI #2 was this morning. Last time, DH had 70 million pre wash in 1.5ml (46mil/ml). The post wash was 9mil with 3 mil motile. This time there was only 13 million pre wash in 1.5ml. So 9 mil/ml pre wash. This ended up one million total post wash and half million motile. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?!?! I know we have a MFI dx and that the first SA was only 19mil/ml but I really thought we had that part behind us. I thought the vitamins were our miracle answer and that coupled with IUI would be our ticket out of IF world.
The nurse told me the TMS was 500,000 before she even stuck the cath in, so I was feeling defeated before we even had the IUI. I have felt like crying ever since. But I don't want DH to feel bad so I'm trying to be OK with it. But he did have to hear me say "I don't understand!!" when I got home and was comparing the analysis side by side. We both think it might be because there was the hour time line from having to go to a further away location than our normal clinic that is just eight minutes away. Also there was that one month when we forgot to reorder DH's vitamin's and didn't have the $$ after Christmas for it but that was four months ago so we thought all would be OK.
I'm just so mad at the universe right now. Yes I know it only takes one but since we have not had one make it in 26 other cycles I'm kind of like "why would it work now with such a low count?" And yes I know I should try and be positive - and I will. Later. Right now it's like I need to have my day to wallow in self pity. MOTHER FUCKER!