So there are several phrases that Jeff uses often that living together in marital bliss I've picked up over the past five years of living together. One of them is "Stop yourself". He says it when someone starts getting a little ridiculous. Example: If I tell him I'm dying from being tickled, I get this response.
Well, right now I feel the world is being a little ridiculous. Sadly, he again got passed over for a well deserved promotion for someone less qualified. I don't know if it's that he comes off as egotistical in interviews or that since he's doing the work of four people making him too valuable to loose that is behind it. But seriously people - stop yourself. Realize that my man is the smartest person I've ever frinkin' met. If sometimes he comes off a little egotistical or smug it's because he's got a right to be. Because he's amazing!
Then there's my company. Tar.get. Opening at 9pm on Thanksgiving?!? STOP YOURSELF! You call yourself a "community focused company"? Then act like it! Let families in our community spend the holiday with their family's not filling their evening either working or standing in the cold to get a deal they could have gotten Friday if you'd opened on Friday like years past. When did black Friday become Thursday? (*answer two years ago when other retailers started doing this*) Don't be a follower. Be a leader. Lead the industry back to responsible practices. Now, thankfully I don't have to work it until noon on Friday, but damnit it's the frickin' principle. Just because I lucked out on scheduling doesn't mean the 100 workers at my store that will be there at 8pm in prep of doors opening will not be missing out.
And of course, the ridiculousness that is IF. Causing several of my eFriends heartache from not being able to become parents and making the holiday season filled with tears instead of happiness as the holidays should be. Stop Yourself!! Come on Universe, you owe us! We've been given the shitty hand long enough. Can you deal us into the game without the loaded deck of crap? We've been playing at this table long enough that statistically you'd think we'd get a winning hand at some point! I hate to see my girls (and my heart) breaking for something that is supposed to be so damn simple.
But tomorrow is Thanksgiving...so let me take a few minutes from my rant to remember what I am thankful for. My husband; as I've already stated is amazing. I can't begin to describe the wonderfulness of him. Doing dishes, laundry, etc is sweet - especially when I'm working. Making me laugh every single day with his jokes and tickle-fests makes me appreciate every day with him. But how much he cares for me when I'm sick, sad or in pain is what really shows his love for me. I take for granted the little things sometimes until he does something big...and I try not to do that. I love every moment with him.
My family. Even my in laws. I am lucky to have such a wonderful group to call family. They truely love me for who I am. And we have almost no drama. I am blessed to have such a calm support system and can't explain how much they mean to me in words.
And my close friends. To me, they are family too. I have as many (if not more) picture of them in frames around my house because while we may not see each other as much anymore seeing their smiling faces brings me peace. And I feel loved.
My eFriends - you girls really are my strength in the world of IF and even just in the arena of being a married woman. It's amazing how busy life gets that I am happy to connect to the world this way. Different perspective from around the country, hell around the globe brings me back to remembering that as a human race we have so much more in common that differences. It may be sappy, but it's strengthens my belief in humanity. Thank you.
And finally, my health and job. While I might yell and curse you both sometimes....I am reminded to be thankful for you both. This past year of learning of friends, eFriends, and family dealing with poor health and job losses has made a lump in my stomach that doesn't ever go away. I hope that while nothing I do is enough, that the small comforts I can provide them with a hug, words of encouragement, or just being there as someone to listen helps them even a little. I am so thankful that you're all here, and hope for improvements in the year to come.
Ice bar in Vegas 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Vegas Trip ... a look back
So Jeff and I flew off to Vegas the day after his birthday. It was so nice to have 3 days off work (Fri, Sat and most of Sunday) before catching the evening flight out. The house was clean and laundry done before we left and plenty of time to lay around and relax and enjoy his birthday before vaca.
Our flight out of Rockford was an hour delayed but funny because it was our first time not flying out of O'Hare. Rockford is very tiny and we called it the Home depot airport because honestly it's smaller than your average Home Depot. And the "international" terminal I named the Feed Store because it was a metal shed really. But anyways...we landed in Vegas and got to our hotel about 11:30 Vegas time. So we spent the next three hours just in our casino (Bally's) and the casino attached (Paris) before finally getting to sleep around 3am.
Waking up at 8am we hit the ground running. We went for a quick buffet breakfast and decided to venture into just the middle part of the strip since we were staying there and had plans for lunch at Cesear's. So we hit Bill's Gambling Hall and Casino, the Flamingo, Bellagio's, Cesear's and the Mirage. In the middle of the day as planned we headed to Mesa Grill in Cesear's....this is Bobby Flay's restaurant. If you watch the food network at all or the Today show you know who Bobby is.
OMG I can not describe how delicious this meal was. I had high hopes and it certainly delivered. The best of the entire meal was the appetizer we shared. I had decided before going there that I wanted the smoked chicken and black bean quesadilla's with avocado and creme fraische. I swear to God, I almost had an orgasm it was that good. Then for the main dish I had a cornmeal encrusted Chilie Relleno with manchengo cheese. And of course, a Margarita for a drink. All so delish!!
For the evening we just stayed close to "home" in Bally's and Paris again and I went to bed at 2am but slept only until 7am. I wondered if 5 hours is the magic number of hours of sleep in Vegas.
We walked past the fountain pond (no fountains during the day) at Bellagio and went into the "newer" Cosmopolitan. It really looks in there like Carry Bradshaw was the designer. I was afraid it was a snootier, younger, hipper place (from their ads) but thankfully at 9am we fit in fine. Did see a few girls doing the walk of shame into the hotel hahahaha. Jeff and I walked out of there up a little but then headed to the Aria where I then proceeded to lose it but Jeff continued to win. So we moved on to the Monte Carlo, and then New York, New York. We held our own and had some fun but were on a mission to make it the whole south strip so walked on to Excalibur and Luxor - again to gain and lose a little. Finally we got to the last casino on the west side of the street....Mandalay Bay where we decided to play a little before heading to that day's destination Minus 5 (more on this soon). It was a great place to play for me, because Jeff decided he wanted to play at one of those big Wheel of Fortune games and I won $200! Woohoo. And this is when I decided we'd buy a picture when we went to Minus 5.
Now, before we had left - for months, Jeff has been playing a facebook game called "My Vegas" where you earn points playing a game for free that you can then change into real activities in Vegas. He had earned enough points for one free entry and two free drinks at the ice bar Minus Five. So we went to redeem it only to realize we had left the code for his points in the hotel room (Noooooo!) but they were able to find them at the rewards booth and gave us a voucher for $70. ((More than he had earned! He'd only earned $54)) So we headed to the Bar that's in the mall just outside the casino. They had never seen that voucher before but said they'd honor it and even did a little better...they gave us two free entries and four free drinks ($74 plus tax value). Sweet! So we got into the Ugg-like boots, gloves and calf length parka (with our legs bar from wearing shorts in the warm 88 degree Vegas weather).
Inside Minus 5 is amazing! Everything is made of ice (except the floor). Even the chandeliers that look like glass are ice. As well as the bar, the benches (which are covered with faux fur pelts) and all the carvings inside. There was a woman's bust (her actual bust, not artsy like a bust of the head) that was an ice sculptor for getting shots out of her nipples. Even the glass you're drinking out of is made of ice. This is why it's a vodka bar since it will not freeze at 31 degrees Fahrenheit (minus five Celsius, thus the name). We posed for three pictures and had our two drinks each - one of which I really want to really want to recreate. It's called a Snowflake. It has mango flavored vodka, pineapple and orange juice. YUMMY! But two drinks is all you really want to be in there. Because while there is no wind or moisture, it still starts to feel a little cold after half an hour (at least on the bare legs).
Afterwards we picked the one picture we wanted to pay for and I stole the other two by using my camera phone and the internet. I really love the one we bought and don't care that the other two are not as great quality from photographing a computer screen. So please ignore the "do not copy" as I just really want to show off the bar and one sculpture.
After than we went to the east side of the street and hit the Tropicana and the MGM Grand. I don't remember much about them...but then I was a bit day-side drunk at this point LOL. I remember the Trop as being rather plain. To end a long day we hit Jeff's fav burger joint in the world for diner: Fat Burger! For a little grease to soak up the alcohol. We got back to Bally's/Paris where I decided at 8:45 I had enough. Went upstairs and soaked my legs in a hot bath, and watched TV until 11pm when I finally went to sleep for seven hours!!!...but Jeff had stayed up later than I so I had plenty of time to shower, do the hair and makeup, check up on facebook and my bump girls before heading out for a full day on the north side.
So Wednesday we headed out for another full day... we hit McDonalds for breakfast and stopped in Casino Royal, The Venetian, Wynn, and Encore. While at the Venetian, I convinced Jeff that since I got to have the best meal of my life we should stop at Emeril Laggase's restaurant for him to repeat what he said was his best...the Lobster Bisque soup he had at a friend's bachelor party over four years ago. We decided because of cost to just share and app and have the soup instead of a "full meal" there. And it did deliver on OMG status...but not better than Bobby IMHO. Next up? Riviera (where we tried to find the escalator they use in both Rainman and Hangover part 1) only to not find it.This is the only escalator we found...it must be hidden somewhere because I swear we looked everywhere. So we crossed the street and hit "Slots o' Fun" and quickly walked into Circus Circus and decided it was not our kind of place (a dump) but caught a cab out to Rio (off the strip) to play for a few hours and get Day side drunk again off vodka cranberry's. We again decided grease to soak up the alcohol was the route to go and ate at the Burger King inside and then headed back to our hotel on the free shuttle.
Since we were doing so well maintaining our bank (Up, down, even)...we decided to spend the night casino hoping in our little area but first I insisted on seeing the nightly fountain at Bellagio. Amazing that water set to song would be so mesmerizing. Then spent most of the night at Cesears. Getting six hours sleep and catching breakfast - we only had an hour and a half to play before our shuttle took us back to the airport and home to reality. We took $200 and played....and thank God we didn't hit that massive losing streak until that last day because I've never seen $125 go so quickly! But leaving with some money in our pockets, and money in our account we had designated as "Vgas money" felt like a WIN to me. We had so much fun!
Our flight out of Rockford was an hour delayed but funny because it was our first time not flying out of O'Hare. Rockford is very tiny and we called it the Home depot airport because honestly it's smaller than your average Home Depot. And the "international" terminal I named the Feed Store because it was a metal shed really. But anyways...we landed in Vegas and got to our hotel about 11:30 Vegas time. So we spent the next three hours just in our casino (Bally's) and the casino attached (Paris) before finally getting to sleep around 3am.
Waking up at 8am we hit the ground running. We went for a quick buffet breakfast and decided to venture into just the middle part of the strip since we were staying there and had plans for lunch at Cesear's. So we hit Bill's Gambling Hall and Casino, the Flamingo, Bellagio's, Cesear's and the Mirage. In the middle of the day as planned we headed to Mesa Grill in Cesear's....this is Bobby Flay's restaurant. If you watch the food network at all or the Today show you know who Bobby is. 
OMG I can not describe how delicious this meal was. I had high hopes and it certainly delivered. The best of the entire meal was the appetizer we shared. I had decided before going there that I wanted the smoked chicken and black bean quesadilla's with avocado and creme fraische. I swear to God, I almost had an orgasm it was that good. Then for the main dish I had a cornmeal encrusted Chilie Relleno with manchengo cheese. And of course, a Margarita for a drink. All so delish!! For the evening we just stayed close to "home" in Bally's and Paris again and I went to bed at 2am but slept only until 7am. I wondered if 5 hours is the magic number of hours of sleep in Vegas.
We walked past the fountain pond (no fountains during the day) at Bellagio and went into the "newer" Cosmopolitan. It really looks in there like Carry Bradshaw was the designer. I was afraid it was a snootier, younger, hipper place (from their ads) but thankfully at 9am we fit in fine. Did see a few girls doing the walk of shame into the hotel hahahaha. Jeff and I walked out of there up a little but then headed to the Aria where I then proceeded to lose it but Jeff continued to win. So we moved on to the Monte Carlo, and then New York, New York. We held our own and had some fun but were on a mission to make it the whole south strip so walked on to Excalibur and Luxor - again to gain and lose a little. Finally we got to the last casino on the west side of the street....Mandalay Bay where we decided to play a little before heading to that day's destination Minus 5 (more on this soon). It was a great place to play for me, because Jeff decided he wanted to play at one of those big Wheel of Fortune games and I won $200! Woohoo. And this is when I decided we'd buy a picture when we went to Minus 5.
Now, before we had left - for months, Jeff has been playing a facebook game called "My Vegas" where you earn points playing a game for free that you can then change into real activities in Vegas. He had earned enough points for one free entry and two free drinks at the ice bar Minus Five. So we went to redeem it only to realize we had left the code for his points in the hotel room (Noooooo!) but they were able to find them at the rewards booth and gave us a voucher for $70. ((More than he had earned! He'd only earned $54)) So we headed to the Bar that's in the mall just outside the casino. They had never seen that voucher before but said they'd honor it and even did a little better...they gave us two free entries and four free drinks ($74 plus tax value). Sweet! So we got into the Ugg-like boots, gloves and calf length parka (with our legs bar from wearing shorts in the warm 88 degree Vegas weather). Inside Minus 5 is amazing! Everything is made of ice (except the floor). Even the chandeliers that look like glass are ice. As well as the bar, the benches (which are covered with faux fur pelts) and all the carvings inside. There was a woman's bust (her actual bust, not artsy like a bust of the head) that was an ice sculptor for getting shots out of her nipples. Even the glass you're drinking out of is made of ice. This is why it's a vodka bar since it will not freeze at 31 degrees Fahrenheit (minus five Celsius, thus the name). We posed for three pictures and had our two drinks each - one of which I really want to really want to recreate. It's called a Snowflake. It has mango flavored vodka, pineapple and orange juice. YUMMY! But two drinks is all you really want to be in there. Because while there is no wind or moisture, it still starts to feel a little cold after half an hour (at least on the bare legs).
Afterwards we picked the one picture we wanted to pay for and I stole the other two by using my camera phone and the internet. I really love the one we bought and don't care that the other two are not as great quality from photographing a computer screen. So please ignore the "do not copy" as I just really want to show off the bar and one sculpture.
After than we went to the east side of the street and hit the Tropicana and the MGM Grand. I don't remember much about them...but then I was a bit day-side drunk at this point LOL. I remember the Trop as being rather plain. To end a long day we hit Jeff's fav burger joint in the world for diner: Fat Burger! For a little grease to soak up the alcohol. We got back to Bally's/Paris where I decided at 8:45 I had enough. Went upstairs and soaked my legs in a hot bath, and watched TV until 11pm when I finally went to sleep for seven hours!!!...but Jeff had stayed up later than I so I had plenty of time to shower, do the hair and makeup, check up on facebook and my bump girls before heading out for a full day on the north side.
So Wednesday we headed out for another full day... we hit McDonalds for breakfast and stopped in Casino Royal, The Venetian, Wynn, and Encore. While at the Venetian, I convinced Jeff that since I got to have the best meal of my life we should stop at Emeril Laggase's restaurant for him to repeat what he said was his best...the Lobster Bisque soup he had at a friend's bachelor party over four years ago. We decided because of cost to just share and app and have the soup instead of a "full meal" there. And it did deliver on OMG status...but not better than Bobby IMHO. Next up? Riviera (where we tried to find the escalator they use in both Rainman and Hangover part 1) only to not find it.This is the only escalator we found...it must be hidden somewhere because I swear we looked everywhere. So we crossed the street and hit "Slots o' Fun" and quickly walked into Circus Circus and decided it was not our kind of place (a dump) but caught a cab out to Rio (off the strip) to play for a few hours and get Day side drunk again off vodka cranberry's. We again decided grease to soak up the alcohol was the route to go and ate at the Burger King inside and then headed back to our hotel on the free shuttle. 
Since we were doing so well maintaining our bank (Up, down, even)...we decided to spend the night casino hoping in our little area but first I insisted on seeing the nightly fountain at Bellagio. Amazing that water set to song would be so mesmerizing. Then spent most of the night at Cesears. Getting six hours sleep and catching breakfast - we only had an hour and a half to play before our shuttle took us back to the airport and home to reality. We took $200 and played....and thank God we didn't hit that massive losing streak until that last day because I've never seen $125 go so quickly! But leaving with some money in our pockets, and money in our account we had designated as "Vgas money" felt like a WIN to me. We had so much fun!
Friday, September 28, 2012
Hello back pain my old friend...you've come to give me pain again
So I went to the OB this morning for my not-so-annual pap. I honestly don't remember when the last one was. I had to have one before my IUIs started and since they reminded me that I need to have one that is less than a year and a half old to do one so I can't move forward without it. Since they reminded me this in the spring; I assume it's been a good two years. Oops. I never went more than 13 months before facing IF without my annual, but it's like - hey I have a doctor in my crotch every few months, why bother?
Well with my one wacky-ass cycle and being six days late I decided fine. Get the pap. If all the HPTs are neg then this will bring it on (either by jinx and I'll have to cancel the appointment or by the scrapping of the cervix saying "wake up in there!"). And if while I'm there I give her my five theories and ask for a beta, p4, and thyroid scan and find out what those spots on my thigh are- all the better. AND while I'm getting my blood draw take a few extra tubes for those required one's that yet again need to be done since it's been over 18 months since our first IUI (really just rubbing salt in the wound that we've been doing treatments for almost two years come this spring). Yep, once again I get to have STD tests to prove I'm not cheating on my husband LOL. We both joked if one of us comes back positive then 'Lucy, you gots some 'splaining to do!'
The bad thing about having an OB do these and not my RE? Can't get results until tomorrow. But looks as if I won't need the darn results because a few hours ago I started spotting and now the lower back pain hell has begun. Here come the sneaky period ninjas to do battle. The silver lining to all of this? Now I won't have them join us on the end of our vaca in 16 days. Woohoo! But seriously?!?! A 32 cycle for me? Six days longer than over 40 of my cycles? It's a statistical anomaly people!! It's enough to drive this cray-cray girl back to temping if my predictable of predictables is no longer predictable!
Thankfully she told me the spots on my thigh, just ingrown hairs. She recommended a warm bath every day. HA! I had to inform this woman that me and my bath are close friends. I take a bath at least five times a week, and on a rare occasion twice in one day. She said 3 times a day. First off, for me that's three hours of my day because I take long soaks. She then said just warm compress will do. Darn, I was really hoping for medically prescribed prune hands.
So to end this long dribble...I expect all normal info to come tomorrow from my tests. And a large drink in my hands tomorrow night to ring in the next cycle and drown those period ninjas.
Well with my one wacky-ass cycle and being six days late I decided fine. Get the pap. If all the HPTs are neg then this will bring it on (either by jinx and I'll have to cancel the appointment or by the scrapping of the cervix saying "wake up in there!"). And if while I'm there I give her my five theories and ask for a beta, p4, and thyroid scan and find out what those spots on my thigh are- all the better. AND while I'm getting my blood draw take a few extra tubes for those required one's that yet again need to be done since it's been over 18 months since our first IUI (really just rubbing salt in the wound that we've been doing treatments for almost two years come this spring). Yep, once again I get to have STD tests to prove I'm not cheating on my husband LOL. We both joked if one of us comes back positive then 'Lucy, you gots some 'splaining to do!'
The bad thing about having an OB do these and not my RE? Can't get results until tomorrow. But looks as if I won't need the darn results because a few hours ago I started spotting and now the lower back pain hell has begun. Here come the sneaky period ninjas to do battle. The silver lining to all of this? Now I won't have them join us on the end of our vaca in 16 days. Woohoo! But seriously?!?! A 32 cycle for me? Six days longer than over 40 of my cycles? It's a statistical anomaly people!! It's enough to drive this cray-cray girl back to temping if my predictable of predictables is no longer predictable!
Thankfully she told me the spots on my thigh, just ingrown hairs. She recommended a warm bath every day. HA! I had to inform this woman that me and my bath are close friends. I take a bath at least five times a week, and on a rare occasion twice in one day. She said 3 times a day. First off, for me that's three hours of my day because I take long soaks. She then said just warm compress will do. Darn, I was really hoping for medically prescribed prune hands.
So to end this long dribble...I expect all normal info to come tomorrow from my tests. And a large drink in my hands tomorrow night to ring in the next cycle and drown those period ninjas.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
The Eff'd up cycle
I am the very model of a predictable cycler. I charted for over two and a half years. Took my temps religiously every morning for a thousand days. (seriously, over a thousand frickin days.) I stopped because of how reliable it was. My pre O temps were always below 98.0, my after O temps were always above that and spiked out at 98.6 and the day before my period would nose dive to below 97.9 every time.
I ovulated ever cycle (for 45 cycles now) between cd13 and cd15. And had an average LP of 12 days. Making my period arrive at cd24-cd26.
And then this cycle hits. Since I stopped temping this spring after so much consistency, I assume I ovulated around normal time - but really I have no evidence to the fact. And today is cd29. Three days past when it should have ended. So I took a home pregnancy test yesterday. Negative. And again this morning. Negative. Based on average, I should be 15dpo - so HPTs should be accurate. So therefore I do not believe I am pregnant. But then the swirl of a billion other possibilities run through the brain.
First...on Monday before last....what should have been 7dpo, I had pain near my right ovary that felt like very severe O pain. I'm talking the kind you get when you've been on a treatment cycle pumped full of FSH drugs with a golf ball size follie. And I thought; WTF? I know it's not ovulation at cd21...but maybe it was. Maybe it was a cyst. (At the time I even had the fleeting thought maybe it was my appendix). So **1** there is a possibility that for some odd reason for the first time in 46 cycles I ovulated a whole frickin' week late. OK, so then period should be here Saturday. But what if I do have a cyst that is putting out progesterone? Then I won't get a period. That's possibility **2**. Oh, and did I mention I'm fighting a cold with a low grade fever of 99.2 so I can't tell if my BBT temp is up or down? Fun times.
**3** I have had half of my thyroid removed. Levels were taken at 4 weeks , 3 months, and 6 months post op and found to be fine. But I have lost 9lbs in less than 2 months...which is a bit rare for me. I thought it was because I was working more night shifts which = small dinners and no snacks and excercise at night when I'm usually sitting on my ass on the couch. And yes, that still may well be the case ((Score)). But what if the weight loss and no period is a sign my half thyroid has decided to fuck up my predictable world.
**4** And this is the TMI embarrassing one. I have some spots in my upper thigh, basically when the thigh meets the crotch. I assumed when they first appeared that they were clogged pores with a zit that didn't come to a head. Now they are slightly tender and sore and googling around I am fearful that it might now be an infection. Like a staph infection. Super. And last night, past midnight, on my phone in bed I found a website that said this could delay AF. but of course now in the light of day with a clearer head. I cannot find the site and wonder if I'm wrong.
**5** (And this is where my mind seriously goes off the ranch people). What if I actually did hit the 4% chance of getting naturally KU but it's not showing up on the HPT yet. First, I think it should def. show up by 16dpo tomorrow and I only have one HPT left in the house. But then I start to think...I never have ever gotten a pos. OPK because of my diabetes, so what if that effects HPTs too. How high does the level of HCG have to be to overcome this? Since I didn't find any evidence to this on google, I know I'm just fishing. But that's what over three years of infertility will do to a girl. There's that line from Psycho "We all go a little mad sometimes". That time for me is today.
So I have decided that tomorrow if no AF and no pos. HPT I will call OB (or RE, more on this a little later). I will request an appointment as soon as I can get squeezed in (hopefully in before Friday). Since I have not gone for my annual that was due back in March and need one before my 4th IUI in January, I've just been putting off the inevitable. I will not only ask for a pap (where I will bring up, WTF is this bump thing? Is it an infection?) but I will ask for a beta, p4, and thyroid level check.
If I do get AF by tomorrow morning I will just call to schedule my pap (and get that thing checked out) but for next week or week after since there will no longer be a rush to keep my sanity.
If I get a pos. HPT, I will call RE and ask for all of the above tests and then ask about getting my annual pap from my OB and ask about the cyst thing. Some IF'er might ask, Why the OB in the first place? Why not just the RE no matter what since I've been in his care more recently than the OB. Well, since I am out of pocket (OOP) for RE stuff ever since we passed the testing phase, I see no need to have to pay lots of money for a matter my OB can bill my insurance for. The only reasons for reservations on this decision is that my RE knows more. And I suppose if I ask, it could be billed as testing, not IF related since I have not had a treatment cycle since April. But I just don't know if I'm willing to take the risk.
I don't write this post for you, my few and far between readers. And let's face it, it's really long now so are you really still even reading? No, again this is a post for me. So in the future I can try to laugh at how at cycle 46 (46!) I became a newbie all over again. Besides, I've now vented about this to all three of the places where my IF'er e-friends reside so this is old news. Yes, I'm ignoring the advice I have given to newbs for years. That wonky cycles can happen. And to just test every couple of days and don't worry until you hit 60 days. Well I'm not having it people. And I'll tell you why. As one of my COA girls said it tonight... I have 46 cycles under my belt! It's not like I am doing this on a whim. But I still feel the newbie shame. Ugh. Please let this nightmare end either pleasantly or at least quickly and fairly painlessly.
I ovulated ever cycle (for 45 cycles now) between cd13 and cd15. And had an average LP of 12 days. Making my period arrive at cd24-cd26.
And then this cycle hits. Since I stopped temping this spring after so much consistency, I assume I ovulated around normal time - but really I have no evidence to the fact. And today is cd29. Three days past when it should have ended. So I took a home pregnancy test yesterday. Negative. And again this morning. Negative. Based on average, I should be 15dpo - so HPTs should be accurate. So therefore I do not believe I am pregnant. But then the swirl of a billion other possibilities run through the brain.
First...on Monday before last....what should have been 7dpo, I had pain near my right ovary that felt like very severe O pain. I'm talking the kind you get when you've been on a treatment cycle pumped full of FSH drugs with a golf ball size follie. And I thought; WTF? I know it's not ovulation at cd21...but maybe it was. Maybe it was a cyst. (At the time I even had the fleeting thought maybe it was my appendix). So **1** there is a possibility that for some odd reason for the first time in 46 cycles I ovulated a whole frickin' week late. OK, so then period should be here Saturday. But what if I do have a cyst that is putting out progesterone? Then I won't get a period. That's possibility **2**. Oh, and did I mention I'm fighting a cold with a low grade fever of 99.2 so I can't tell if my BBT temp is up or down? Fun times.
**3** I have had half of my thyroid removed. Levels were taken at 4 weeks , 3 months, and 6 months post op and found to be fine. But I have lost 9lbs in less than 2 months...which is a bit rare for me. I thought it was because I was working more night shifts which = small dinners and no snacks and excercise at night when I'm usually sitting on my ass on the couch. And yes, that still may well be the case ((Score)). But what if the weight loss and no period is a sign my half thyroid has decided to fuck up my predictable world.
**4** And this is the TMI embarrassing one. I have some spots in my upper thigh, basically when the thigh meets the crotch. I assumed when they first appeared that they were clogged pores with a zit that didn't come to a head. Now they are slightly tender and sore and googling around I am fearful that it might now be an infection. Like a staph infection. Super. And last night, past midnight, on my phone in bed I found a website that said this could delay AF. but of course now in the light of day with a clearer head. I cannot find the site and wonder if I'm wrong.
**5** (And this is where my mind seriously goes off the ranch people). What if I actually did hit the 4% chance of getting naturally KU but it's not showing up on the HPT yet. First, I think it should def. show up by 16dpo tomorrow and I only have one HPT left in the house. But then I start to think...I never have ever gotten a pos. OPK because of my diabetes, so what if that effects HPTs too. How high does the level of HCG have to be to overcome this? Since I didn't find any evidence to this on google, I know I'm just fishing. But that's what over three years of infertility will do to a girl. There's that line from Psycho "We all go a little mad sometimes". That time for me is today.
So I have decided that tomorrow if no AF and no pos. HPT I will call OB (or RE, more on this a little later). I will request an appointment as soon as I can get squeezed in (hopefully in before Friday). Since I have not gone for my annual that was due back in March and need one before my 4th IUI in January, I've just been putting off the inevitable. I will not only ask for a pap (where I will bring up, WTF is this bump thing? Is it an infection?) but I will ask for a beta, p4, and thyroid level check.
If I do get AF by tomorrow morning I will just call to schedule my pap (and get that thing checked out) but for next week or week after since there will no longer be a rush to keep my sanity.
If I get a pos. HPT, I will call RE and ask for all of the above tests and then ask about getting my annual pap from my OB and ask about the cyst thing. Some IF'er might ask, Why the OB in the first place? Why not just the RE no matter what since I've been in his care more recently than the OB. Well, since I am out of pocket (OOP) for RE stuff ever since we passed the testing phase, I see no need to have to pay lots of money for a matter my OB can bill my insurance for. The only reasons for reservations on this decision is that my RE knows more. And I suppose if I ask, it could be billed as testing, not IF related since I have not had a treatment cycle since April. But I just don't know if I'm willing to take the risk.
I don't write this post for you, my few and far between readers. And let's face it, it's really long now so are you really still even reading? No, again this is a post for me. So in the future I can try to laugh at how at cycle 46 (46!) I became a newbie all over again. Besides, I've now vented about this to all three of the places where my IF'er e-friends reside so this is old news. Yes, I'm ignoring the advice I have given to newbs for years. That wonky cycles can happen. And to just test every couple of days and don't worry until you hit 60 days. Well I'm not having it people. And I'll tell you why. As one of my COA girls said it tonight... I have 46 cycles under my belt! It's not like I am doing this on a whim. But I still feel the newbie shame. Ugh. Please let this nightmare end either pleasantly or at least quickly and fairly painlessly.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Childfree does not equal selfish!
So on Facebook I follow STFU Parents. It's great humor in this world of "overshare". And often, on FB she links to interesting articles that I might not come across myself. Moments ago she linked to this:
http://fullcomment.nationalpost.com/2012/09/19/joe-oconnor-selfishness-behind-growing-trend-for-couples-to-not-have-children/
It is an article that discusses the latest census in Canada that there are more child free couple households than there are of households with children. And the writer goes on to say this is selfish. And who will take care of those without children when they are old.
He doesn't mention the fact that the baby boomer generation is the largest generation and all of their kids are now grown, so they are lumped into the child free home. He does however call people without children selfish. And this is what boils my blood. Clearly as someone fighting with everything I've got to have children, I would be counted as a childfree household. This is not by choice, this is life of an infertile. I couldn't help but comment. Here is what I wrote under the pseudonym "Infertile Voice":
"Because of social norms and careers, getting married older (30's instead of 20's) is now more the norm. Which caused more chance for age related infertility to be in play. Dealing with infertility in my mid 30's makes the time frame for treatment shorter than if I had met the man of my dreams and married at 24.
If nothing comes of treatment after 5 years we will be child free for the rest of our lives. This is not selfish! We have spent thousands of dollars to have the joy of being parents. As a society dealing with this scenario more, obviously the rate of couples with children goes down. Just because this isn't the 1950's anymore with Suzie-Homemaker having kids by 25, does not mean that everyone is making this choice. Sometimes the choice is made for you."
But also what really bugged me is the insinuation that people that are in a couple should have children whether they want to or not. Do we want children to be brought up by those who didn't want them?! There are enough unwanted kids in the world looking to be adopted. And knowing you don't want kids, while maybe not socially accepted on the whole, is something I've embraced of friends. I have a friend that said she never wanted children. Fine. While I may not understand it fully, it's her right to have that choice. I've had a friend that thought that, and later changed her mind. And from my IF community I have friends that have been through the hell of the IF roller coaster and decided to get off and live Child free. And then here we sit...still in the middle of the fog of infertility hope - but finally seeing an end in sight. We either have success with treatments in the next two years or we won't and live child free. And while there are some benefits to this life, it will by no means be what I had wanted as a little girl. But selfish? No. Self sustaining. I would not be able to keep going with the emotional hell that IF puts you under for 8, 10, 12 years.
Oh, and thanks writer for ending the article with the one fear that haunts me. Who will take care of me when I'm old. There are nursing homes for that, that is not why I want to have kids. But nursing homes don't love you. I do not want to face the end of this world alone without love. And now you've sucked me down into another bad infertility day. Fuck You and your sanctimonious dribble.
http://fullcomment.nationalpost.com/2012/09/19/joe-oconnor-selfishness-behind-growing-trend-for-couples-to-not-have-children/
It is an article that discusses the latest census in Canada that there are more child free couple households than there are of households with children. And the writer goes on to say this is selfish. And who will take care of those without children when they are old.
He doesn't mention the fact that the baby boomer generation is the largest generation and all of their kids are now grown, so they are lumped into the child free home. He does however call people without children selfish. And this is what boils my blood. Clearly as someone fighting with everything I've got to have children, I would be counted as a childfree household. This is not by choice, this is life of an infertile. I couldn't help but comment. Here is what I wrote under the pseudonym "Infertile Voice":
"Because of social norms and careers, getting married older (30's instead of 20's) is now more the norm. Which caused more chance for age related infertility to be in play. Dealing with infertility in my mid 30's makes the time frame for treatment shorter than if I had met the man of my dreams and married at 24.
If nothing comes of treatment after 5 years we will be child free for the rest of our lives. This is not selfish! We have spent thousands of dollars to have the joy of being parents. As a society dealing with this scenario more, obviously the rate of couples with children goes down. Just because this isn't the 1950's anymore with Suzie-Homemaker having kids by 25, does not mean that everyone is making this choice. Sometimes the choice is made for you."
But also what really bugged me is the insinuation that people that are in a couple should have children whether they want to or not. Do we want children to be brought up by those who didn't want them?! There are enough unwanted kids in the world looking to be adopted. And knowing you don't want kids, while maybe not socially accepted on the whole, is something I've embraced of friends. I have a friend that said she never wanted children. Fine. While I may not understand it fully, it's her right to have that choice. I've had a friend that thought that, and later changed her mind. And from my IF community I have friends that have been through the hell of the IF roller coaster and decided to get off and live Child free. And then here we sit...still in the middle of the fog of infertility hope - but finally seeing an end in sight. We either have success with treatments in the next two years or we won't and live child free. And while there are some benefits to this life, it will by no means be what I had wanted as a little girl. But selfish? No. Self sustaining. I would not be able to keep going with the emotional hell that IF puts you under for 8, 10, 12 years.
Oh, and thanks writer for ending the article with the one fear that haunts me. Who will take care of me when I'm old. There are nursing homes for that, that is not why I want to have kids. But nursing homes don't love you. I do not want to face the end of this world alone without love. And now you've sucked me down into another bad infertility day. Fuck You and your sanctimonious dribble.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Rant: Why people who do the HCG diet are stupid!
So I've gotten mad twice in the past 24 hours after a recent weight loss fad...the HCG diet. There are claims that you can lose 20-40lbs in just a few weeks on it.
For those of you have not heard of it... there is a fad diet that asks you to eat only 500 calories a day and put drops of HCG hormone under your tongue (Or for more intense folks - take it in injection shots form). First; let me say anyone who's ever read anything on a healthy diet knows that less than 1,000 calories a day is starvation. And well duh, if you go from eating 1,800 calories to 500 - yes, you'll lose weight at first. FROM STARVATION! I Don't know what these idiots are thinking. And why they would risk their bodily organs starting to shut down because of a fad?!? Morons. Medical studies have shown that it's harmful and that most put the weight back on after stopping the diet. (If you're curious just google "Dangers" or "risks" with the diet. Plenty pops up.
Now let's look at the HCG hormone part....um, WHAT?!!! It's the hormone naturally released when you are pregnant. (**It's the hormone that turns that home pregnancy test positive**) It's also used by us infertile folks as a way to force ovulation. In past posts, you will have heard me refer to it as the "trigger shot". This shot costs me $90, and people are buying it to lose weight? Supply and demand people! Your using it to get rid of your love handles? This raises the cost for those of us that need it for a MEDICAL CONDITION not those too lazy to get off the couch and looking for a quick fix to being a chubs. I mean, look...I need to lose some weight...but I'm honest with myself that I don't need some hormone - I need to eat healthier and work out. And *gasp* I've lost 8lbs in the last four weeks doing just that. That is a HEALTHY amount to lose, 2lbs a week.
Now yesterday, I got mad at a friend because there was a facebook post from her about doing this fad diet. Thankfully it turned out to be a virus that is going on around FB. But I learned that after I wrote a reply similar to the rant above.
And now, just today while reading a guilty pleasure (the blog "Hot Mess Mom") I saw a comment from one of her readers that mentioned she was on "phase II" of this idiotic fad in responce to a post from HMM about her weight loss progress (*At a facility & with a program that is monitored by health experts ala weight watchers). Que anger all over again.
Being infertile this pisses me off more than if it was a fad four years ago before all this started but I can guarantee you one thing. At that point I still would have thought it was STUPID! I had a roommate in college (not Kim that you've heard me talk about as one of my dear friends) who used to use laxative often as a weight loss form, and I mean a dangerous amount. And I thought the same thing...get off your fat ass and get on a damn treadmill. Or maybe trade that fast food burger for a salad once in a while.
Believe me, I am not some skinny chic with great genes saying this. I am a size 14. I am a bacon addict. I love a good jaunt through a fast food drive through. I prefer hanging on the couch surfing the web and yelling at the TV with Jeff to pretty much any physical activity. But that's my choice, and I know it's a choice that comes with the consequence of the size of my butt. Don't like the size of your butt? Do something about it! And I mean actual work, not taking this stupid-ass pregnancy hormone fad diet. And thus ends the rant.
For those of you have not heard of it... there is a fad diet that asks you to eat only 500 calories a day and put drops of HCG hormone under your tongue (Or for more intense folks - take it in injection shots form). First; let me say anyone who's ever read anything on a healthy diet knows that less than 1,000 calories a day is starvation. And well duh, if you go from eating 1,800 calories to 500 - yes, you'll lose weight at first. FROM STARVATION! I Don't know what these idiots are thinking. And why they would risk their bodily organs starting to shut down because of a fad?!? Morons. Medical studies have shown that it's harmful and that most put the weight back on after stopping the diet. (If you're curious just google "Dangers" or "risks" with the diet. Plenty pops up.
Now let's look at the HCG hormone part....um, WHAT?!!! It's the hormone naturally released when you are pregnant. (**It's the hormone that turns that home pregnancy test positive**) It's also used by us infertile folks as a way to force ovulation. In past posts, you will have heard me refer to it as the "trigger shot". This shot costs me $90, and people are buying it to lose weight? Supply and demand people! Your using it to get rid of your love handles? This raises the cost for those of us that need it for a MEDICAL CONDITION not those too lazy to get off the couch and looking for a quick fix to being a chubs. I mean, look...I need to lose some weight...but I'm honest with myself that I don't need some hormone - I need to eat healthier and work out. And *gasp* I've lost 8lbs in the last four weeks doing just that. That is a HEALTHY amount to lose, 2lbs a week.
Now yesterday, I got mad at a friend because there was a facebook post from her about doing this fad diet. Thankfully it turned out to be a virus that is going on around FB. But I learned that after I wrote a reply similar to the rant above.
And now, just today while reading a guilty pleasure (the blog "Hot Mess Mom") I saw a comment from one of her readers that mentioned she was on "phase II" of this idiotic fad in responce to a post from HMM about her weight loss progress (*At a facility & with a program that is monitored by health experts ala weight watchers). Que anger all over again.
Being infertile this pisses me off more than if it was a fad four years ago before all this started but I can guarantee you one thing. At that point I still would have thought it was STUPID! I had a roommate in college (not Kim that you've heard me talk about as one of my dear friends) who used to use laxative often as a weight loss form, and I mean a dangerous amount. And I thought the same thing...get off your fat ass and get on a damn treadmill. Or maybe trade that fast food burger for a salad once in a while.
Believe me, I am not some skinny chic with great genes saying this. I am a size 14. I am a bacon addict. I love a good jaunt through a fast food drive through. I prefer hanging on the couch surfing the web and yelling at the TV with Jeff to pretty much any physical activity. But that's my choice, and I know it's a choice that comes with the consequence of the size of my butt. Don't like the size of your butt? Do something about it! And I mean actual work, not taking this stupid-ass pregnancy hormone fad diet. And thus ends the rant.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
It's the little things I'm missing....
So sometimes you don't know what you're even missing out on in life. Sure, not having been blessed with children yet I know I am missing out on hearing your child say "momma" for the first time. That first time they giggle and it's not gas. The pictures that are filling up my FB feed of the first day back at school, etc.
But it's the little things that you don't even know you're missing until you see it first hand.
Today was Barb's birthday, and if you read my blog you know she's one of my closest friends and has a 3 year old and a 10 month old. Today when I came over the 3 year old had this thing hanging from her pony tail. It was two hair towels tied together and then with flower hair clips pinned to it. Hanging off her pony tail. And she comes running up proclaiming "Kati! Look at my beautiful hair!" Later she grabs my hand so we can go into the bathroom to see it "glow" (thankfully Barb informed me on the way that we are just imagining that it glows). Turns out her favorite movie currently is Tangled and in it Rapunzel's hair glows when she sings. She said she was going to be Rapunzel for Halloween which depressed Barb a little because she loves to do family costumes. ((I am going to find a way for her husband to be the leading man, barb can be the woman with dark hair and the baby can be the lizard and this is from me just watching a few minutes of said film.)) And Barb confessed that she found a Rapunzel wig that has fiber optics so it glows. But to me, there is nothing better than a toddler running around the house with towel on her head. I'm missing out on that cuteness. See this post for two pics of her families Halloweens past (middle of the post).
And then when Barb went to lay the baby down for a nap, I was guided into the other room to build forts out of summer patio cushions that had been brought in with the three year old. This girl has awesome fort building skills! And imagination because she also built a bridge, and a tower, etc after we build three different forts. It brought back GREAT memories of fort building in our basement with my brother. Forts were the BOMB. And how could you not love hanging out for a few minutes building forts. I am missing out on that fun.
Except for today. I will admit that while I am sad I don't have any of my own yet....I am so thankful that I have friends that have children! For many dealing with IF, I know it's too hard to be around children. But I'm glad it's not for me. **Most of the time** Yes, I get down at special occasions and holidays not being able to share it with a child of my own but the every day stuff? I can't help but smile at it! Because I would miss out even further by not experiencing fun through the eyes of a child right now. Sure, I wish I had this every day. And yes, I wish it was my kid. And of course, parents can get tired of what I find cute and charming. But let me enjoy my warm fuzziness in the moment.
If I never end up getting to be a parent, I know I will cherish all these surrogate aunt and actual Aunt moments. My Aunt experiences have been with the five boys, so it's great that of the friend's kids, four of the five are girls...so now I can see this side of it. I wish I had taken a picture of this little girl smiling at me with her towel Rapunzel hair popping out of her tent - but I was too caught up in the moment. And at least I have that snapshot in my head.
But it's the little things that you don't even know you're missing until you see it first hand.
Today was Barb's birthday, and if you read my blog you know she's one of my closest friends and has a 3 year old and a 10 month old. Today when I came over the 3 year old had this thing hanging from her pony tail. It was two hair towels tied together and then with flower hair clips pinned to it. Hanging off her pony tail. And she comes running up proclaiming "Kati! Look at my beautiful hair!" Later she grabs my hand so we can go into the bathroom to see it "glow" (thankfully Barb informed me on the way that we are just imagining that it glows). Turns out her favorite movie currently is Tangled and in it Rapunzel's hair glows when she sings. She said she was going to be Rapunzel for Halloween which depressed Barb a little because she loves to do family costumes. ((I am going to find a way for her husband to be the leading man, barb can be the woman with dark hair and the baby can be the lizard and this is from me just watching a few minutes of said film.)) And Barb confessed that she found a Rapunzel wig that has fiber optics so it glows. But to me, there is nothing better than a toddler running around the house with towel on her head. I'm missing out on that cuteness. See this post for two pics of her families Halloweens past (middle of the post).
And then when Barb went to lay the baby down for a nap, I was guided into the other room to build forts out of summer patio cushions that had been brought in with the three year old. This girl has awesome fort building skills! And imagination because she also built a bridge, and a tower, etc after we build three different forts. It brought back GREAT memories of fort building in our basement with my brother. Forts were the BOMB. And how could you not love hanging out for a few minutes building forts. I am missing out on that fun.
Except for today. I will admit that while I am sad I don't have any of my own yet....I am so thankful that I have friends that have children! For many dealing with IF, I know it's too hard to be around children. But I'm glad it's not for me. **Most of the time** Yes, I get down at special occasions and holidays not being able to share it with a child of my own but the every day stuff? I can't help but smile at it! Because I would miss out even further by not experiencing fun through the eyes of a child right now. Sure, I wish I had this every day. And yes, I wish it was my kid. And of course, parents can get tired of what I find cute and charming. But let me enjoy my warm fuzziness in the moment.
If I never end up getting to be a parent, I know I will cherish all these surrogate aunt and actual Aunt moments. My Aunt experiences have been with the five boys, so it's great that of the friend's kids, four of the five are girls...so now I can see this side of it. I wish I had taken a picture of this little girl smiling at me with her towel Rapunzel hair popping out of her tent - but I was too caught up in the moment. And at least I have that snapshot in my head.
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