So as I said in my last blog, I had to take two rounds of cytotec - one on Tuesday and another on Friday since my lining was still 10mm. You know what it is now? 9.6. Umm, yeah the second round produced almost nothing. Like so little it's a joke. The U/S tech and nurse both agreed that Dr. Jacobs doesn't put people on the drug a third time. (Thank goodness!) And I was told my lining looked less "solid" on the ultrasound - whatever the heck that means.
HCG levels. So the day we learned of the MMC (Dec. 27th, 11 days ago) my HCG was around 30,000. A week later on Friday Jan 3rd it was down to 2,300. Three days after that (today Mon Jan 6th) it's down to 564. So the doc's opinion is to just "see what it does". They expect if it keeps this straight nose dive that I will get a "fairly heavy bleed" once it's back to zero. The only need to do anything is if it goes "funky" and either plateau's or goes up for some odd reason. At the rate it's going, when I have my follow up next Wednesday it should be between 20 and zero (please let it be zero so I don't have to keep going in).
The three antibodies they test for to see if it attacked the pregnancy came back negative. I asked which three they test for and she said the "most common three" and named them but of course I can't remember them since they're serious medical terms only someone that's heard them often would remember.
I was reminded by the nurse that the counselor (psychiatrist) is available for phone sessions but I think if I do that it will be a little later when I know more and can talk alone. Not that I *can't* talk about this stuff around Jeff - but I think to really work through it without having to think about what he's hearing and how affects him and having to then have almost two sessions one with her, then talk again to him. Not that I won't do that anyway... but it can be on my own time and what I chose to share as opposed to everything.
And the nurse also reminded me that eventually I'll need to have another talk with Dr. Jacobs to decide where we go from here. When I reminded her that we'll be back again to out of pocket after having done so for three years, then this year spend all $7K I got in coverage between late Sept and mid November on the IVF/FETs that I don't know if we will do anything more she hugged me and said "Well, you should just hear about it anyway so you can make an informed decision." Yeah, I know. But I'll wait until the genetic testing comes back from the lab thanks since we can't make any kind of decisions until after March at the earliest.
My thought process here I'm just free writing (so do not hold me to anything in the future) but it really all depends on Jeff's bonus that he gets in March. My thought is I'm tired of putting off buying a house every frickin year in case we need to use that money for a down payment. But we had two outstanding 401 loans up until Sept this year. One was from before Jeff and I were married that he took out and the second was for 10K to pay for a huge chunk of our wedding. We finally paid off the earlier one thus we were able to take out another. THAT 401K loan then paid off the one from our wedding and our OOP $5K for the cycle and paid off some more bills. So now we got rid of those first two and only have this new one. Technically we can take out a second one, in the amount we'd need for either a down payment or almost enough to cycle. This could pay for a cycle or for a down payment. Not both. But if his bonus is a healthy amount then we *might* be able to do both (but then again we might just be a few grand shy). But a large part of me wants to wait until we've gotten a house. Our rental Townhouse that we'll have been in for six year (OMG has it really been that long?) come beginning of March is up in May (because of a deal I worked out in 2012 where by extending our lease for 18 months we got a month free that was not part of the 18 months so we're no longer up in March.) Anyway - even if say we get approved for a home loan in March and find out what we can do for a down payment with his bonus or if we'll need money from a 401k loan to add to it, find a house we love in our price range, work out the closing for May-ish etc. That still put cycling into summer or fall if we have the money. So there is no need to rush the decision because there are clearly factors forcing us to wait. And as they say I shouldn't be making any kind of decisions while still so fresh and raw from the grief. It has only been a week and a half since my entire outlook on the next year changed.
Up until Friday before last I was thinking about how we won't need to get nursery stuff until May/June when we'd be moving. I thought about how it would be tough moving when you're 7 month PG. All kinds of thoughts that I know have to stop thinking. And that sucks fucking hardcore. Yeah, I'm having a hard time screeching to a halt to all those thoughts I had started having. A bad reminder of all of this that comes out of fuckin no where is that song "This is gonna be the best day of my life...my li-i-i-i-i-iiiife!" was becoming popular when I was enjoying being pregnant. I considered it my pregnancy anthem and every time it's been on this past two months I'd sing it so joyfully while driving. Today it came on my radio and I just wanted to take a knife the the radio. How long do you think it will be before I can even think of hearing that song without wanting to destroy the radio? Sigh....
Ice bar in Vegas 2012
Monday, January 6, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
My experience with Cytotec (misoprostol)
As I read so many of these personal stories to know what to expect, I feel it's only fair to pass on what I went through for others. As it's true - every woman is different and so while some similarities it was a bit different.
I was told to take four pills (200mg each) vaginally all at once (some people take two at first and then more while some are told to take them orally dissolving between cheek and gum). From searching the internet it appears I was told to take such a high dose all at once and vaginally because of how far along I was (8w3d when finding the missed miscarriage) and the fact that I had not started to miscarry on my own at all.
So I took the four pills at 2:30pm on New Years Eve (Tuesday). At the same time I took one of the pain pills (Tylenol #3 with codeine), a zofran for anti nausea, and two antibiotics (azithromycin). After an hour I noticed my heart appeared to be pounding in my chest but my pulse was not quicker. It's just an odd feeling to feel your heart beating hard. I was worried it was from the azithromycin since I'm allergic to erythromycin, which is a cousin drug. So I email my RE and he told me to just not take those pills and monitor the situation. But I had barely any cramping the first two hours.
Hour three-four. Some cramping that were similar to a really bad period, but nothing to write home about.
Hour four-six. Worst pain of my life. No way to mince words here. I spent most of these two hours laying on our bathroom floor naked writhing in pain and either moaning or swearing with my eyes clenched shut. I got so hot and Jeff had to keep cooling off wash clothes for me and eventually just got me an ice pack. I felt twice as if I might pass out (you know the drunk world spinning feeling?) and three times I thought I might puke. But I didn't do either. At some point in here I was able to take my temp (as I was supposed to go to ER if it got above 101). It was 99.7.
Suddenly the pain lessened so I thought by what I had read that maybe I had passed the sac. But no - all I had was very very light spotting when I wiped. Then I got very cold. Very very cold. Jeff wrapped me up in five blankets as I lay on our bed breathing through the remaining pain. I spent half an hour like this just lowly moaning. My temp was 96.4 - how is that possible? It was just 99.7! This freaked me out a bit. Then the greatest idea I've ever had came to me - hot shower! Jeff started the shower and I climbed into heaven. OMG. However, I turned the shower to as hot as it would go, and after half an hour letting the hot water pour over me I realized my skin was bright red and perhaps I could not regulate my temperature or realize how hot the water was (also kind of scarey in it's own way). So I got out. But mercifully at this point the pain was almost all gone and I was no longer cold so I still believe it was the best idea.
By the time I got out it was five and a half hours into the drug. I finally started having a light flow. But had almost no pain from 7:30 on. Went to sleep finally at 2:30 in the morning (seemed as if the drugs possibly make you wide awake). Woke up at 5:10 am needing to pee, and when I did suddenly I could feel something passing through my body about the size of one of those bouncy balls that you would have if you ever played Jacks as a kid. I went and got the collection cup (yes we decided to collect), put on the rubber glove and pulled my gestational sac and child from the toilet. It was as they described and if you are going through this you can find other sights to tell you what to look for as I don't have the heart to write it out here. But I will say it didn't hurt, passing my child. Just a very distinct feeling of something coming out.
Jeff woke up from me opening and closing door and could see my face as I broke into crying. He comforted me for a little while and I stayed up for two hours before the emotional and physical exhaustion overwhelmed me and I feel asleep on the couch for four hours.
All this to say I only had two hours of pain, although they were severe. And that I had barely any bleeding the entire time. Didn't even fill one pad and within 24 hours I was back to almost non-existent spotting. This worried me - and with some reason. On Friday - three days after having taken the drug - I had an U/S that confirmed I had passed the sac but that my lining was still 10mm. It is supposed to be around 2-4mm. So I was given a refill and told to take the drugs again. No! I didn't want to go through that again.
This time I started the drug at 4:15pm on Friday (again 4 pills) only it's now 19 hours later. Nearly no pain (good) but also no bleeding (bad). So here I sit worried that Monday's ultrasound will show no difference and I might need a D&C. I've been off work for a week now. And because of having to go into the doctor again on Monday my store said they'd cover my shifts no problem Monday and Tuesday and since I have my usual Wednesday off will not have to go into work until Thursday. Jeff took Monday off, worked a half day from home on Tuesday (having the half day and holiday Wednesday off) and ended up taking off Thursday and Friday but he really needs to go back to work now.
This is going to be a looong weekend. And it's a winter storm weekend. We've already gotten a foot of snow over the four days here in NW Chicagoland and we're supposed to get 2-6 more inches and Monday the high, the HIGH is negative 8. Super. Holed up inside with television and books. Not that I wanted to go out this past week, yet I'm starting to feel like I'm swimming in my grief in this house and would like to go out if only to get more food. Now I'm just rambling. I will update again after Monday.
I was told to take four pills (200mg each) vaginally all at once (some people take two at first and then more while some are told to take them orally dissolving between cheek and gum). From searching the internet it appears I was told to take such a high dose all at once and vaginally because of how far along I was (8w3d when finding the missed miscarriage) and the fact that I had not started to miscarry on my own at all.
So I took the four pills at 2:30pm on New Years Eve (Tuesday). At the same time I took one of the pain pills (Tylenol #3 with codeine), a zofran for anti nausea, and two antibiotics (azithromycin). After an hour I noticed my heart appeared to be pounding in my chest but my pulse was not quicker. It's just an odd feeling to feel your heart beating hard. I was worried it was from the azithromycin since I'm allergic to erythromycin, which is a cousin drug. So I email my RE and he told me to just not take those pills and monitor the situation. But I had barely any cramping the first two hours.
Hour three-four. Some cramping that were similar to a really bad period, but nothing to write home about.
Hour four-six. Worst pain of my life. No way to mince words here. I spent most of these two hours laying on our bathroom floor naked writhing in pain and either moaning or swearing with my eyes clenched shut. I got so hot and Jeff had to keep cooling off wash clothes for me and eventually just got me an ice pack. I felt twice as if I might pass out (you know the drunk world spinning feeling?) and three times I thought I might puke. But I didn't do either. At some point in here I was able to take my temp (as I was supposed to go to ER if it got above 101). It was 99.7.
Suddenly the pain lessened so I thought by what I had read that maybe I had passed the sac. But no - all I had was very very light spotting when I wiped. Then I got very cold. Very very cold. Jeff wrapped me up in five blankets as I lay on our bed breathing through the remaining pain. I spent half an hour like this just lowly moaning. My temp was 96.4 - how is that possible? It was just 99.7! This freaked me out a bit. Then the greatest idea I've ever had came to me - hot shower! Jeff started the shower and I climbed into heaven. OMG. However, I turned the shower to as hot as it would go, and after half an hour letting the hot water pour over me I realized my skin was bright red and perhaps I could not regulate my temperature or realize how hot the water was (also kind of scarey in it's own way). So I got out. But mercifully at this point the pain was almost all gone and I was no longer cold so I still believe it was the best idea.
By the time I got out it was five and a half hours into the drug. I finally started having a light flow. But had almost no pain from 7:30 on. Went to sleep finally at 2:30 in the morning (seemed as if the drugs possibly make you wide awake). Woke up at 5:10 am needing to pee, and when I did suddenly I could feel something passing through my body about the size of one of those bouncy balls that you would have if you ever played Jacks as a kid. I went and got the collection cup (yes we decided to collect), put on the rubber glove and pulled my gestational sac and child from the toilet. It was as they described and if you are going through this you can find other sights to tell you what to look for as I don't have the heart to write it out here. But I will say it didn't hurt, passing my child. Just a very distinct feeling of something coming out.
Jeff woke up from me opening and closing door and could see my face as I broke into crying. He comforted me for a little while and I stayed up for two hours before the emotional and physical exhaustion overwhelmed me and I feel asleep on the couch for four hours.
All this to say I only had two hours of pain, although they were severe. And that I had barely any bleeding the entire time. Didn't even fill one pad and within 24 hours I was back to almost non-existent spotting. This worried me - and with some reason. On Friday - three days after having taken the drug - I had an U/S that confirmed I had passed the sac but that my lining was still 10mm. It is supposed to be around 2-4mm. So I was given a refill and told to take the drugs again. No! I didn't want to go through that again.
This time I started the drug at 4:15pm on Friday (again 4 pills) only it's now 19 hours later. Nearly no pain (good) but also no bleeding (bad). So here I sit worried that Monday's ultrasound will show no difference and I might need a D&C. I've been off work for a week now. And because of having to go into the doctor again on Monday my store said they'd cover my shifts no problem Monday and Tuesday and since I have my usual Wednesday off will not have to go into work until Thursday. Jeff took Monday off, worked a half day from home on Tuesday (having the half day and holiday Wednesday off) and ended up taking off Thursday and Friday but he really needs to go back to work now.
This is going to be a looong weekend. And it's a winter storm weekend. We've already gotten a foot of snow over the four days here in NW Chicagoland and we're supposed to get 2-6 more inches and Monday the high, the HIGH is negative 8. Super. Holed up inside with television and books. Not that I wanted to go out this past week, yet I'm starting to feel like I'm swimming in my grief in this house and would like to go out if only to get more food. Now I'm just rambling. I will update again after Monday.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Missed Miscarriage at 8w3d
I had finally started to really believe it. I was still a little nervous each Friday but it had gotten so less. We were making jokes and laughing before our appointment. I had even spent the morning writing in the pregnancy journal my SIL had gotten me for Christmas. Only to walk into the ultrasound ready to see the heartbeat for the third time and our baby to be twice the size of last week. But instead I was laying there and said "You're freaking me out - I don't see the heartbeat flicker." And my favorite tech took a breath, moved the wand a little more and said "I'm so sorry but neither do I."
I grabbed for Jeff's hand as she looked at my angel for a few more seconds before confirming it's over.
And then the world ended.
Thankfully I was their last patient of the morning because I'm sure the entire office heard my scream. Crying out "No!" She left the room and let me cry in Jeff's arms for, I don't know, a good ten minutes before I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. I hated laying there naked from the waist down with that paper sheet so I got dressed and they came in again apologizing that they needed to take my blood. Because I had been hyperventilating she couldn't get my vein in my left arm (I always give blood from my left and am a easy stick). They had to have me lay down, drink water and do some deep breathing before they were able to get the two vials.
I was told to expect a call that afternoon from my RE. When he finally called he didn't have much to say - I believe he mentioned the blood work will help tell us if I had antibodies that attacked my child but I'm not sure because the conversation was kind of a blur. What I do remember is saying they don't do D&C's unless medically necessary - which freaks the shit out of me. To be honest my chemical pregnancy I started bleeding right away before the second beta so it was naturally happening before I even knew it was over. This? I'm not bleeding. Instead I'm walking around knowing I have my dead child inside me. I stopped all the meds as instructed but I really don't think I can handle miscarrying at home.
*graphic warning**skip this paragraph if you want to avoid horror* He said I'd need to decide if I want to "collect the tissue" for genetic testing. I was hyperventilating the sheer idea of doing this at home but then the idea of the "choice" between flushing or collecting? Holy motherfucking hell! Both sounds like the worst thing in the world. I spent some of last night reading online what to expect from taking the miso (cyclotec) and basically it will put me into labor (or some refer to it as home abortion - God how I want to have never seen that word). People talk about losing so much blood that two I read passed out. And at eight weeks I will expect to not only see massive clots of tissue, that my baby will be a "grey ball" of tissue. Kill me. I don't think I can take this. I know others have said I'm one of the strongest people they know, but I don't think I'm this strong. I don't think I can take this. I know others have done this, and I know others have been through years of infertility. But I think sometimes I've used up all of my strength on these past four and a half years. I'm so fucking drained.
And then there is the "Is this the end of our journey to become parents?" We'd said that because of finances this IVF was the end of the road for us. But now the choice is - can we afford to take a 401K loan for OOP IVF? I figure it will be about $15K. But we want to buy a house and live our damn lives - can I put our lives on hold yet again for the sheer chance that might again just end in this heartbreak? I just don't know. Jeff of course when I screamed out at the office "We'll never be parents" that we didn't have to decide that now. I just don't know where to go from here.
I grabbed for Jeff's hand as she looked at my angel for a few more seconds before confirming it's over.
And then the world ended.
Thankfully I was their last patient of the morning because I'm sure the entire office heard my scream. Crying out "No!" She left the room and let me cry in Jeff's arms for, I don't know, a good ten minutes before I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. I hated laying there naked from the waist down with that paper sheet so I got dressed and they came in again apologizing that they needed to take my blood. Because I had been hyperventilating she couldn't get my vein in my left arm (I always give blood from my left and am a easy stick). They had to have me lay down, drink water and do some deep breathing before they were able to get the two vials.
I was told to expect a call that afternoon from my RE. When he finally called he didn't have much to say - I believe he mentioned the blood work will help tell us if I had antibodies that attacked my child but I'm not sure because the conversation was kind of a blur. What I do remember is saying they don't do D&C's unless medically necessary - which freaks the shit out of me. To be honest my chemical pregnancy I started bleeding right away before the second beta so it was naturally happening before I even knew it was over. This? I'm not bleeding. Instead I'm walking around knowing I have my dead child inside me. I stopped all the meds as instructed but I really don't think I can handle miscarrying at home.
*graphic warning**skip this paragraph if you want to avoid horror* He said I'd need to decide if I want to "collect the tissue" for genetic testing. I was hyperventilating the sheer idea of doing this at home but then the idea of the "choice" between flushing or collecting? Holy motherfucking hell! Both sounds like the worst thing in the world. I spent some of last night reading online what to expect from taking the miso (cyclotec) and basically it will put me into labor (or some refer to it as home abortion - God how I want to have never seen that word). People talk about losing so much blood that two I read passed out. And at eight weeks I will expect to not only see massive clots of tissue, that my baby will be a "grey ball" of tissue. Kill me. I don't think I can take this. I know others have said I'm one of the strongest people they know, but I don't think I'm this strong. I don't think I can take this. I know others have done this, and I know others have been through years of infertility. But I think sometimes I've used up all of my strength on these past four and a half years. I'm so fucking drained.
And then there is the "Is this the end of our journey to become parents?" We'd said that because of finances this IVF was the end of the road for us. But now the choice is - can we afford to take a 401K loan for OOP IVF? I figure it will be about $15K. But we want to buy a house and live our damn lives - can I put our lives on hold yet again for the sheer chance that might again just end in this heartbreak? I just don't know. Jeff of course when I screamed out at the office "We'll never be parents" that we didn't have to decide that now. I just don't know where to go from here.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Inappropriate funny for the day?
OK - All you IF ladies have had a vaginal ultrasound so you know what that feels like.
And you know I have a bad cold.
Well it's moved from my nose into my chest so I have a hellish cough now. I was in the exam and had a small coughing fit and joked "That was fun. Nothing like coughing with a dildo in ya!" My fav tech didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah you almost shot that thing out across the room. You've got strong muscles" Then looked at my husband and said "You're a lucky man." Hahahahaha OMG! Kegels ladies, kegels. I hope you do not have drink up your nose now, I return you to your non-vulgar programing now. My husband couldn't stop laughing the rest of the afternoon at that.
And you know I have a bad cold.
Well it's moved from my nose into my chest so I have a hellish cough now. I was in the exam and had a small coughing fit and joked "That was fun. Nothing like coughing with a dildo in ya!" My fav tech didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah you almost shot that thing out across the room. You've got strong muscles" Then looked at my husband and said "You're a lucky man." Hahahahaha OMG! Kegels ladies, kegels. I hope you do not have drink up your nose now, I return you to your non-vulgar programing now. My husband couldn't stop laughing the rest of the afternoon at that.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Happy 36th Birthday to me (And the week of crying)
So yesterday was my 36th birthday and I was sick as a dog. Actually I don't know why that's an expression because I had dogs growing up and don't ever remember then that sick. I was a miserable snot filled mess. But here's the thing - it was still better than last year. Do you remember me last year? I turned 35 so all I could think about was being AMA (labeled Advanced Maternal Age). I spent a bit of that day crying because of this stupid ass label. As if a bodies ovaries know exactly the moment you hit 35 and it flips a switch. Fuck that! This year I have a baby growing inside me so sure, I have a UTI and a really really bad cold and have gone through almost two boxes of tissues in 36 hours from blowing my nose and I can't breath and my birthday was spent in pj's taking naps and my dinner was my husband bringing home a bread bowl of broccoli cheese soup. It sure as hell beats crying from that stupid label.
But let's talk crying. You hear people talk about pregnancy hormones making you all out of whack? Holy hell did that kick in this week. I thought I was hormonal *before* this week. Let me say - before IF I was a person who almost never ever cried. Like I could go six months to a year and only shed a tear or two over a movie MAYBE once. In fact in high school when I started birth control pills and cried once in front of my friend Joy she said "I'm just glad to see you're not a robot" (because apparently being so "stoic" as my mom likes to call me, I seemed un-human. Not this week!
I've cried at least two to six times a day this week (yes I just said six times in a day). Let's look back at some of the times to get a little laugh, shall we? I went to Hallmark to pick out Jeff and I's annual ornaments. My mom has done this for 35 year but in an attempt to lower their holiday budget now that my Dad is retired they are stopping the ornament buying. Getting the tradition passed down and doing it for the first time made me cry, and it's making me cry just thinking of it now. (Seriously feel free to laugh at me because I have.) Then when I went in to the emergent care facility and I said I was seven weeks pregnant, the doctor asked when my last month period was (this is a common question not only for all women but apparently for early pregnant women because I see it mentioned all the time on the First Trimester board on the bump). I started crying as I explained that because I did IVF without a transfer and the FET that I really don't know what they would or would not consider that for me but because of the FET I know the exact day I conceived. Poor guy got a lot more then he was looking for! But then I cried later sitting alone in that room, thinking IF took being able to fill in a simple box on a damn form. Will I be asked this at the OB's office once I switch from my REs? How many times will I be made to feel like a side show because I didn't have that? (And yes, I'm crying again.) I cried twice while talking to my mom yesterday over sentimental thoughts. And since it was my birthday, my husband wrote me the sweetest message in my card (que the water works!) I can't take all this crying! And since my husband is used to non-crier Kati he's looking at my like I have two heads.
And now, yes I'm going to be one of "those pregnant ladies" I will always try to actually write before putting this on, but I always dreamed that when I was PG I'd finally be able to fill this stuff out. So feel free to skim or skip. It might be VERY early to start a lot of this but I really want to remember everything!
How far along? 7w2d today
Weight gain/loss: up 3lbs
Maternity clothes? not yet (thinking of buying belly band after Christmas)
Stretch marks? nope, but trying to remember to start to use lotion every other day at least. Using Aveno. Mainly started using it all over body because I am very itchy.
Sleep? I can fall alseep really fast (compared to pre-pregnancy) but also wake up fully awake to pee and then again fall asleep as if I wasn't just wide awake. So weird. And as always loving taking a nap a day. I'm unhappy on non-nap days (but honestly have not had one of those in over a week).
Best moment this week? Seeing the heartbeat last Friday. Turns out Jeff and I were both fairly nervous but didn't say anything to each other.
Food cravings: Glazed donuts has been the craving these past four weeks, and since I work a lot of nights, the bakery comes and brings the donuts that didn't sell to the breakroom and there is always a glazed for me. No wonder I'm up three lbs!
Belly button in or out? Too Soon!
Movement? Too Soon!
What I miss? With this cold I really miss not being able to take Nyquil.
What I'm looking forward to: Tomorrow we get to have another U/S and baby Juice will be twice the size of last week!
Milestones: Heartbeat!!! BPM was only 104 but they say that is common for 6w3d. I was just measuring 6w0d but they said that in first trimester there is a +/- of five days because of just how teeny tiny they are.
Size of a: Blueberry!
Bump/Blump Shot: These are from 5w3d and 6w3d. (See I told you I've become *that* girl! I know there's no bump yet and it's all just bloat and gut but I don't care. Forgive me that the level of zoom was not the same in each.
Baby Pic: 6w3d They put two X's on there so I'd be able to "find" my baby after we left. As if I wouldn't know that little peanut was my baby. Ha! But it does just make me think of that Friends episode where Rachel can't see where her baby is on the U/S.
But let's talk crying. You hear people talk about pregnancy hormones making you all out of whack? Holy hell did that kick in this week. I thought I was hormonal *before* this week. Let me say - before IF I was a person who almost never ever cried. Like I could go six months to a year and only shed a tear or two over a movie MAYBE once. In fact in high school when I started birth control pills and cried once in front of my friend Joy she said "I'm just glad to see you're not a robot" (because apparently being so "stoic" as my mom likes to call me, I seemed un-human. Not this week!
I've cried at least two to six times a day this week (yes I just said six times in a day). Let's look back at some of the times to get a little laugh, shall we? I went to Hallmark to pick out Jeff and I's annual ornaments. My mom has done this for 35 year but in an attempt to lower their holiday budget now that my Dad is retired they are stopping the ornament buying. Getting the tradition passed down and doing it for the first time made me cry, and it's making me cry just thinking of it now. (Seriously feel free to laugh at me because I have.) Then when I went in to the emergent care facility and I said I was seven weeks pregnant, the doctor asked when my last month period was (this is a common question not only for all women but apparently for early pregnant women because I see it mentioned all the time on the First Trimester board on the bump). I started crying as I explained that because I did IVF without a transfer and the FET that I really don't know what they would or would not consider that for me but because of the FET I know the exact day I conceived. Poor guy got a lot more then he was looking for! But then I cried later sitting alone in that room, thinking IF took being able to fill in a simple box on a damn form. Will I be asked this at the OB's office once I switch from my REs? How many times will I be made to feel like a side show because I didn't have that? (And yes, I'm crying again.) I cried twice while talking to my mom yesterday over sentimental thoughts. And since it was my birthday, my husband wrote me the sweetest message in my card (que the water works!) I can't take all this crying! And since my husband is used to non-crier Kati he's looking at my like I have two heads.
And now, yes I'm going to be one of "those pregnant ladies" I will always try to actually write before putting this on, but I always dreamed that when I was PG I'd finally be able to fill this stuff out. So feel free to skim or skip. It might be VERY early to start a lot of this but I really want to remember everything!
How far along? 7w2d today
Weight gain/loss: up 3lbs
Maternity clothes? not yet (thinking of buying belly band after Christmas)
Stretch marks? nope, but trying to remember to start to use lotion every other day at least. Using Aveno. Mainly started using it all over body because I am very itchy.
Sleep? I can fall alseep really fast (compared to pre-pregnancy) but also wake up fully awake to pee and then again fall asleep as if I wasn't just wide awake. So weird. And as always loving taking a nap a day. I'm unhappy on non-nap days (but honestly have not had one of those in over a week).
Best moment this week? Seeing the heartbeat last Friday. Turns out Jeff and I were both fairly nervous but didn't say anything to each other.
Food cravings: Glazed donuts has been the craving these past four weeks, and since I work a lot of nights, the bakery comes and brings the donuts that didn't sell to the breakroom and there is always a glazed for me. No wonder I'm up three lbs!
Belly button in or out? Too Soon!
Movement? Too Soon!
What I miss? With this cold I really miss not being able to take Nyquil.
What I'm looking forward to: Tomorrow we get to have another U/S and baby Juice will be twice the size of last week!
Milestones: Heartbeat!!! BPM was only 104 but they say that is common for 6w3d. I was just measuring 6w0d but they said that in first trimester there is a +/- of five days because of just how teeny tiny they are.
Size of a: Blueberry!
Bump/Blump Shot: These are from 5w3d and 6w3d. (See I told you I've become *that* girl! I know there's no bump yet and it's all just bloat and gut but I don't care. Forgive me that the level of zoom was not the same in each.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
The IF Guilt Trip
There are many ways for someone that has fought infertility to feel guilty. And I'm sure that I've been one of the people to cause a little of that for friends who made it to "the other side".
If they complain to someone still suffering with infertility that person (me not too long ago) would think (or say) "I would give anything to deal with *blank*" And I KNOW I said that to my IRL IF friend Lauren once when she mentioned that she'd love to just be able to have one drink, just one alcoholic drink. And so I will make it my mission to not say anything like that to someone dealing with infertility.
However, what I did not expect was not being able to complain (*Or not even complain, but just state facts) to my father and have him make me feel guilty for saying or even thinking them. He asked how I was doing yesterday and I said I was having a little pity party: I had the biggest zit I've had for years on the corner of my mouth, I had really chapped lips and I was afraid the chapstick was only making the zit worse, and to top it off I believe I was getting a UTI so yep burning when I pee. I wasn't looking for answers, nor even more than a simple "I'm sorry, that sucks" but instead I got "Well you asked for this so put a smile on and just accept it." I'm sorry what?!
No seriously, WHAT?! Yes I ask for anything and everything that comes with being pregnant. And I will say it's all worth it - without a doubt. And I'll say I'll take it! But "smile"? Why? Because as if over four years of heartache wasn't enough of a challenge now I'm supposed to also keep my mouth shut for anything that's happening from here on out? Does this mean for the next 20 years I can't complain about anything to do with the child?! FUCK THAT.
I understand the "Be aware of your audience and use sensitivity." No problem! I won't complain to those dealing with IF about any aches and pains or costs of a child or sleepless nights or stretch marks. It'd be like complaining to someone in a wheelchair that my legs hurt from walking. But I'm seriously going to have to have a heart to heart with him if he pulls this again (or others). I am human damnit. I am entitled to my feelings. When I say simply what I'm dealing with, it's because you asked.
Now please understand, dear readers, that I started this blog for me. And that's how I'll always view it. It's like an online diary that happens to be open to the public. But at it's core, it's for me. So I cannot use that same sensitivity here. If you unfollow me know that I'm pregnant, I totally understand. I never have pulled punches for you when it came to what I was dealing with with infertility, and I don't plan on sugar coating things now that I got what I wished for. I still live in daily fear of miscarriage (and will that stop until I have my child in my arms?) But no matter what I will be me.
If they complain to someone still suffering with infertility that person (me not too long ago) would think (or say) "I would give anything to deal with *blank*" And I KNOW I said that to my IRL IF friend Lauren once when she mentioned that she'd love to just be able to have one drink, just one alcoholic drink. And so I will make it my mission to not say anything like that to someone dealing with infertility.
However, what I did not expect was not being able to complain (*Or not even complain, but just state facts) to my father and have him make me feel guilty for saying or even thinking them. He asked how I was doing yesterday and I said I was having a little pity party: I had the biggest zit I've had for years on the corner of my mouth, I had really chapped lips and I was afraid the chapstick was only making the zit worse, and to top it off I believe I was getting a UTI so yep burning when I pee. I wasn't looking for answers, nor even more than a simple "I'm sorry, that sucks" but instead I got "Well you asked for this so put a smile on and just accept it." I'm sorry what?!
No seriously, WHAT?! Yes I ask for anything and everything that comes with being pregnant. And I will say it's all worth it - without a doubt. And I'll say I'll take it! But "smile"? Why? Because as if over four years of heartache wasn't enough of a challenge now I'm supposed to also keep my mouth shut for anything that's happening from here on out? Does this mean for the next 20 years I can't complain about anything to do with the child?! FUCK THAT.
I understand the "Be aware of your audience and use sensitivity." No problem! I won't complain to those dealing with IF about any aches and pains or costs of a child or sleepless nights or stretch marks. It'd be like complaining to someone in a wheelchair that my legs hurt from walking. But I'm seriously going to have to have a heart to heart with him if he pulls this again (or others). I am human damnit. I am entitled to my feelings. When I say simply what I'm dealing with, it's because you asked.
Now please understand, dear readers, that I started this blog for me. And that's how I'll always view it. It's like an online diary that happens to be open to the public. But at it's core, it's for me. So I cannot use that same sensitivity here. If you unfollow me know that I'm pregnant, I totally understand. I never have pulled punches for you when it came to what I was dealing with with infertility, and I don't plan on sugar coating things now that I got what I wished for. I still live in daily fear of miscarriage (and will that stop until I have my child in my arms?) But no matter what I will be me.
Friday, December 6, 2013
First Ultrasound at 5w3d
So first let me say that they told me I was off on how far along I am. I had counted my 6 day embryo FET day as being 2w6d because well it was as if I had ovulated on cd14 and it was 6 days later. Makes sense right? No and I have no idea why. I forgot to ask the nurse to explain it but the U/S tech was like "Um, no they have you listed as 5w3d based off your transfer date." Oooo-kay. Whatever. Not that three days really matter this early into nine months but mainly it was that I was hoping to see not only the fetal pole but the flicker of a heartbeat that may have literally just started.
Instead I was "right on track" for 5w3d with a gestational sac and yolk sac but can't tell anything else yet. So without further ado here is little Juicer....
Instead I was "right on track" for 5w3d with a gestational sac and yolk sac but can't tell anything else yet. So without further ado here is little Juicer....
I thought I'd share a few other pics from the last two months to add to the story of our conception.
This is me before egg retrieval. I knew it was going to be painful so I'm trying to put a brave face on. The selfie is better than the one Jeff took of me. But I think it's safe to say it's hard to look good in a hair net. As evidence that even Jeff looks redic in one. We just do not look totally like ourselves like this.
And the final pics for you tonight...when I took the valium and was laughing at everything - I took this picture because I thought it was hilarious they had this in the room with me because I thought it looked like ovaries full of follicles for IVF. Does anyone else see the connection or was it a drug high? Oh and my instagram collage of my good luck rituals for both ER and FET days...I had my lucky blackhawk socks on from Btay (3T'er and #75strong gal I got three winters ago), my Hope stone from SIL, my common thread bracelet and my "When...not IF" necklace.
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