So I went to the OB this morning for my not-so-annual pap. I honestly don't remember when the last one was. I had to have one before my IUIs started and since they reminded me that I need to have one that is less than a year and a half old to do one so I can't move forward without it. Since they reminded me this in the spring; I assume it's been a good two years. Oops. I never went more than 13 months before facing IF without my annual, but it's like - hey I have a doctor in my crotch every few months, why bother?
Well with my one wacky-ass cycle and being six days late I decided fine. Get the pap. If all the HPTs are neg then this will bring it on (either by jinx and I'll have to cancel the appointment or by the scrapping of the cervix saying "wake up in there!"). And if while I'm there I give her my five theories and ask for a beta, p4, and thyroid scan and find out what those spots on my thigh are- all the better. AND while I'm getting my blood draw take a few extra tubes for those required one's that yet again need to be done since it's been over 18 months since our first IUI (really just rubbing salt in the wound that we've been doing treatments for almost two years come this spring). Yep, once again I get to have STD tests to prove I'm not cheating on my husband LOL. We both joked if one of us comes back positive then 'Lucy, you gots some 'splaining to do!'
The bad thing about having an OB do these and not my RE? Can't get results until tomorrow. But looks as if I won't need the darn results because a few hours ago I started spotting and now the lower back pain hell has begun. Here come the sneaky period ninjas to do battle. The silver lining to all of this? Now I won't have them join us on the end of our vaca in 16 days. Woohoo! But seriously?!?! A 32 cycle for me? Six days longer than over 40 of my cycles? It's a statistical anomaly people!! It's enough to drive this cray-cray girl back to temping if my predictable of predictables is no longer predictable!
Thankfully she told me the spots on my thigh, just ingrown hairs. She recommended a warm bath every day. HA! I had to inform this woman that me and my bath are close friends. I take a bath at least five times a week, and on a rare occasion twice in one day. She said 3 times a day. First off, for me that's three hours of my day because I take long soaks. She then said just warm compress will do. Darn, I was really hoping for medically prescribed prune hands.
So to end this long dribble...I expect all normal info to come tomorrow from my tests. And a large drink in my hands tomorrow night to ring in the next cycle and drown those period ninjas.
Ice bar in Vegas 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
The Eff'd up cycle
I am the very model of a predictable cycler. I charted for over two and a half years. Took my temps religiously every morning for a thousand days. (seriously, over a thousand frickin days.) I stopped because of how reliable it was. My pre O temps were always below 98.0, my after O temps were always above that and spiked out at 98.6 and the day before my period would nose dive to below 97.9 every time.
I ovulated ever cycle (for 45 cycles now) between cd13 and cd15. And had an average LP of 12 days. Making my period arrive at cd24-cd26.
And then this cycle hits. Since I stopped temping this spring after so much consistency, I assume I ovulated around normal time - but really I have no evidence to the fact. And today is cd29. Three days past when it should have ended. So I took a home pregnancy test yesterday. Negative. And again this morning. Negative. Based on average, I should be 15dpo - so HPTs should be accurate. So therefore I do not believe I am pregnant. But then the swirl of a billion other possibilities run through the brain.
First...on Monday before last....what should have been 7dpo, I had pain near my right ovary that felt like very severe O pain. I'm talking the kind you get when you've been on a treatment cycle pumped full of FSH drugs with a golf ball size follie. And I thought; WTF? I know it's not ovulation at cd21...but maybe it was. Maybe it was a cyst. (At the time I even had the fleeting thought maybe it was my appendix). So **1** there is a possibility that for some odd reason for the first time in 46 cycles I ovulated a whole frickin' week late. OK, so then period should be here Saturday. But what if I do have a cyst that is putting out progesterone? Then I won't get a period. That's possibility **2**. Oh, and did I mention I'm fighting a cold with a low grade fever of 99.2 so I can't tell if my BBT temp is up or down? Fun times.
**3** I have had half of my thyroid removed. Levels were taken at 4 weeks , 3 months, and 6 months post op and found to be fine. But I have lost 9lbs in less than 2 months...which is a bit rare for me. I thought it was because I was working more night shifts which = small dinners and no snacks and excercise at night when I'm usually sitting on my ass on the couch. And yes, that still may well be the case ((Score)). But what if the weight loss and no period is a sign my half thyroid has decided to fuck up my predictable world.
**4** And this is the TMI embarrassing one. I have some spots in my upper thigh, basically when the thigh meets the crotch. I assumed when they first appeared that they were clogged pores with a zit that didn't come to a head. Now they are slightly tender and sore and googling around I am fearful that it might now be an infection. Like a staph infection. Super. And last night, past midnight, on my phone in bed I found a website that said this could delay AF. but of course now in the light of day with a clearer head. I cannot find the site and wonder if I'm wrong.
**5** (And this is where my mind seriously goes off the ranch people). What if I actually did hit the 4% chance of getting naturally KU but it's not showing up on the HPT yet. First, I think it should def. show up by 16dpo tomorrow and I only have one HPT left in the house. But then I start to think...I never have ever gotten a pos. OPK because of my diabetes, so what if that effects HPTs too. How high does the level of HCG have to be to overcome this? Since I didn't find any evidence to this on google, I know I'm just fishing. But that's what over three years of infertility will do to a girl. There's that line from Psycho "We all go a little mad sometimes". That time for me is today.
So I have decided that tomorrow if no AF and no pos. HPT I will call OB (or RE, more on this a little later). I will request an appointment as soon as I can get squeezed in (hopefully in before Friday). Since I have not gone for my annual that was due back in March and need one before my 4th IUI in January, I've just been putting off the inevitable. I will not only ask for a pap (where I will bring up, WTF is this bump thing? Is it an infection?) but I will ask for a beta, p4, and thyroid level check.
If I do get AF by tomorrow morning I will just call to schedule my pap (and get that thing checked out) but for next week or week after since there will no longer be a rush to keep my sanity.
If I get a pos. HPT, I will call RE and ask for all of the above tests and then ask about getting my annual pap from my OB and ask about the cyst thing. Some IF'er might ask, Why the OB in the first place? Why not just the RE no matter what since I've been in his care more recently than the OB. Well, since I am out of pocket (OOP) for RE stuff ever since we passed the testing phase, I see no need to have to pay lots of money for a matter my OB can bill my insurance for. The only reasons for reservations on this decision is that my RE knows more. And I suppose if I ask, it could be billed as testing, not IF related since I have not had a treatment cycle since April. But I just don't know if I'm willing to take the risk.
I don't write this post for you, my few and far between readers. And let's face it, it's really long now so are you really still even reading? No, again this is a post for me. So in the future I can try to laugh at how at cycle 46 (46!) I became a newbie all over again. Besides, I've now vented about this to all three of the places where my IF'er e-friends reside so this is old news. Yes, I'm ignoring the advice I have given to newbs for years. That wonky cycles can happen. And to just test every couple of days and don't worry until you hit 60 days. Well I'm not having it people. And I'll tell you why. As one of my COA girls said it tonight... I have 46 cycles under my belt! It's not like I am doing this on a whim. But I still feel the newbie shame. Ugh. Please let this nightmare end either pleasantly or at least quickly and fairly painlessly.
I ovulated ever cycle (for 45 cycles now) between cd13 and cd15. And had an average LP of 12 days. Making my period arrive at cd24-cd26.
And then this cycle hits. Since I stopped temping this spring after so much consistency, I assume I ovulated around normal time - but really I have no evidence to the fact. And today is cd29. Three days past when it should have ended. So I took a home pregnancy test yesterday. Negative. And again this morning. Negative. Based on average, I should be 15dpo - so HPTs should be accurate. So therefore I do not believe I am pregnant. But then the swirl of a billion other possibilities run through the brain.
First...on Monday before last....what should have been 7dpo, I had pain near my right ovary that felt like very severe O pain. I'm talking the kind you get when you've been on a treatment cycle pumped full of FSH drugs with a golf ball size follie. And I thought; WTF? I know it's not ovulation at cd21...but maybe it was. Maybe it was a cyst. (At the time I even had the fleeting thought maybe it was my appendix). So **1** there is a possibility that for some odd reason for the first time in 46 cycles I ovulated a whole frickin' week late. OK, so then period should be here Saturday. But what if I do have a cyst that is putting out progesterone? Then I won't get a period. That's possibility **2**. Oh, and did I mention I'm fighting a cold with a low grade fever of 99.2 so I can't tell if my BBT temp is up or down? Fun times.
**3** I have had half of my thyroid removed. Levels were taken at 4 weeks , 3 months, and 6 months post op and found to be fine. But I have lost 9lbs in less than 2 months...which is a bit rare for me. I thought it was because I was working more night shifts which = small dinners and no snacks and excercise at night when I'm usually sitting on my ass on the couch. And yes, that still may well be the case ((Score)). But what if the weight loss and no period is a sign my half thyroid has decided to fuck up my predictable world.
**4** And this is the TMI embarrassing one. I have some spots in my upper thigh, basically when the thigh meets the crotch. I assumed when they first appeared that they were clogged pores with a zit that didn't come to a head. Now they are slightly tender and sore and googling around I am fearful that it might now be an infection. Like a staph infection. Super. And last night, past midnight, on my phone in bed I found a website that said this could delay AF. but of course now in the light of day with a clearer head. I cannot find the site and wonder if I'm wrong.
**5** (And this is where my mind seriously goes off the ranch people). What if I actually did hit the 4% chance of getting naturally KU but it's not showing up on the HPT yet. First, I think it should def. show up by 16dpo tomorrow and I only have one HPT left in the house. But then I start to think...I never have ever gotten a pos. OPK because of my diabetes, so what if that effects HPTs too. How high does the level of HCG have to be to overcome this? Since I didn't find any evidence to this on google, I know I'm just fishing. But that's what over three years of infertility will do to a girl. There's that line from Psycho "We all go a little mad sometimes". That time for me is today.
So I have decided that tomorrow if no AF and no pos. HPT I will call OB (or RE, more on this a little later). I will request an appointment as soon as I can get squeezed in (hopefully in before Friday). Since I have not gone for my annual that was due back in March and need one before my 4th IUI in January, I've just been putting off the inevitable. I will not only ask for a pap (where I will bring up, WTF is this bump thing? Is it an infection?) but I will ask for a beta, p4, and thyroid level check.
If I do get AF by tomorrow morning I will just call to schedule my pap (and get that thing checked out) but for next week or week after since there will no longer be a rush to keep my sanity.
If I get a pos. HPT, I will call RE and ask for all of the above tests and then ask about getting my annual pap from my OB and ask about the cyst thing. Some IF'er might ask, Why the OB in the first place? Why not just the RE no matter what since I've been in his care more recently than the OB. Well, since I am out of pocket (OOP) for RE stuff ever since we passed the testing phase, I see no need to have to pay lots of money for a matter my OB can bill my insurance for. The only reasons for reservations on this decision is that my RE knows more. And I suppose if I ask, it could be billed as testing, not IF related since I have not had a treatment cycle since April. But I just don't know if I'm willing to take the risk.
I don't write this post for you, my few and far between readers. And let's face it, it's really long now so are you really still even reading? No, again this is a post for me. So in the future I can try to laugh at how at cycle 46 (46!) I became a newbie all over again. Besides, I've now vented about this to all three of the places where my IF'er e-friends reside so this is old news. Yes, I'm ignoring the advice I have given to newbs for years. That wonky cycles can happen. And to just test every couple of days and don't worry until you hit 60 days. Well I'm not having it people. And I'll tell you why. As one of my COA girls said it tonight... I have 46 cycles under my belt! It's not like I am doing this on a whim. But I still feel the newbie shame. Ugh. Please let this nightmare end either pleasantly or at least quickly and fairly painlessly.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Childfree does not equal selfish!
So on Facebook I follow STFU Parents. It's great humor in this world of "overshare". And often, on FB she links to interesting articles that I might not come across myself. Moments ago she linked to this:
http://fullcomment.nationalpost.com/2012/09/19/joe-oconnor-selfishness-behind-growing-trend-for-couples-to-not-have-children/
It is an article that discusses the latest census in Canada that there are more child free couple households than there are of households with children. And the writer goes on to say this is selfish. And who will take care of those without children when they are old.
He doesn't mention the fact that the baby boomer generation is the largest generation and all of their kids are now grown, so they are lumped into the child free home. He does however call people without children selfish. And this is what boils my blood. Clearly as someone fighting with everything I've got to have children, I would be counted as a childfree household. This is not by choice, this is life of an infertile. I couldn't help but comment. Here is what I wrote under the pseudonym "Infertile Voice":
"Because of social norms and careers, getting married older (30's instead of 20's) is now more the norm. Which caused more chance for age related infertility to be in play. Dealing with infertility in my mid 30's makes the time frame for treatment shorter than if I had met the man of my dreams and married at 24.
If nothing comes of treatment after 5 years we will be child free for the rest of our lives. This is not selfish! We have spent thousands of dollars to have the joy of being parents. As a society dealing with this scenario more, obviously the rate of couples with children goes down. Just because this isn't the 1950's anymore with Suzie-Homemaker having kids by 25, does not mean that everyone is making this choice. Sometimes the choice is made for you."
But also what really bugged me is the insinuation that people that are in a couple should have children whether they want to or not. Do we want children to be brought up by those who didn't want them?! There are enough unwanted kids in the world looking to be adopted. And knowing you don't want kids, while maybe not socially accepted on the whole, is something I've embraced of friends. I have a friend that said she never wanted children. Fine. While I may not understand it fully, it's her right to have that choice. I've had a friend that thought that, and later changed her mind. And from my IF community I have friends that have been through the hell of the IF roller coaster and decided to get off and live Child free. And then here we sit...still in the middle of the fog of infertility hope - but finally seeing an end in sight. We either have success with treatments in the next two years or we won't and live child free. And while there are some benefits to this life, it will by no means be what I had wanted as a little girl. But selfish? No. Self sustaining. I would not be able to keep going with the emotional hell that IF puts you under for 8, 10, 12 years.
Oh, and thanks writer for ending the article with the one fear that haunts me. Who will take care of me when I'm old. There are nursing homes for that, that is not why I want to have kids. But nursing homes don't love you. I do not want to face the end of this world alone without love. And now you've sucked me down into another bad infertility day. Fuck You and your sanctimonious dribble.
http://fullcomment.nationalpost.com/2012/09/19/joe-oconnor-selfishness-behind-growing-trend-for-couples-to-not-have-children/
It is an article that discusses the latest census in Canada that there are more child free couple households than there are of households with children. And the writer goes on to say this is selfish. And who will take care of those without children when they are old.
He doesn't mention the fact that the baby boomer generation is the largest generation and all of their kids are now grown, so they are lumped into the child free home. He does however call people without children selfish. And this is what boils my blood. Clearly as someone fighting with everything I've got to have children, I would be counted as a childfree household. This is not by choice, this is life of an infertile. I couldn't help but comment. Here is what I wrote under the pseudonym "Infertile Voice":
"Because of social norms and careers, getting married older (30's instead of 20's) is now more the norm. Which caused more chance for age related infertility to be in play. Dealing with infertility in my mid 30's makes the time frame for treatment shorter than if I had met the man of my dreams and married at 24.
If nothing comes of treatment after 5 years we will be child free for the rest of our lives. This is not selfish! We have spent thousands of dollars to have the joy of being parents. As a society dealing with this scenario more, obviously the rate of couples with children goes down. Just because this isn't the 1950's anymore with Suzie-Homemaker having kids by 25, does not mean that everyone is making this choice. Sometimes the choice is made for you."
But also what really bugged me is the insinuation that people that are in a couple should have children whether they want to or not. Do we want children to be brought up by those who didn't want them?! There are enough unwanted kids in the world looking to be adopted. And knowing you don't want kids, while maybe not socially accepted on the whole, is something I've embraced of friends. I have a friend that said she never wanted children. Fine. While I may not understand it fully, it's her right to have that choice. I've had a friend that thought that, and later changed her mind. And from my IF community I have friends that have been through the hell of the IF roller coaster and decided to get off and live Child free. And then here we sit...still in the middle of the fog of infertility hope - but finally seeing an end in sight. We either have success with treatments in the next two years or we won't and live child free. And while there are some benefits to this life, it will by no means be what I had wanted as a little girl. But selfish? No. Self sustaining. I would not be able to keep going with the emotional hell that IF puts you under for 8, 10, 12 years.
Oh, and thanks writer for ending the article with the one fear that haunts me. Who will take care of me when I'm old. There are nursing homes for that, that is not why I want to have kids. But nursing homes don't love you. I do not want to face the end of this world alone without love. And now you've sucked me down into another bad infertility day. Fuck You and your sanctimonious dribble.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Rant: Why people who do the HCG diet are stupid!
So I've gotten mad twice in the past 24 hours after a recent weight loss fad...the HCG diet. There are claims that you can lose 20-40lbs in just a few weeks on it.
For those of you have not heard of it... there is a fad diet that asks you to eat only 500 calories a day and put drops of HCG hormone under your tongue (Or for more intense folks - take it in injection shots form). First; let me say anyone who's ever read anything on a healthy diet knows that less than 1,000 calories a day is starvation. And well duh, if you go from eating 1,800 calories to 500 - yes, you'll lose weight at first. FROM STARVATION! I Don't know what these idiots are thinking. And why they would risk their bodily organs starting to shut down because of a fad?!? Morons. Medical studies have shown that it's harmful and that most put the weight back on after stopping the diet. (If you're curious just google "Dangers" or "risks" with the diet. Plenty pops up.
Now let's look at the HCG hormone part....um, WHAT?!!! It's the hormone naturally released when you are pregnant. (**It's the hormone that turns that home pregnancy test positive**) It's also used by us infertile folks as a way to force ovulation. In past posts, you will have heard me refer to it as the "trigger shot". This shot costs me $90, and people are buying it to lose weight? Supply and demand people! Your using it to get rid of your love handles? This raises the cost for those of us that need it for a MEDICAL CONDITION not those too lazy to get off the couch and looking for a quick fix to being a chubs. I mean, look...I need to lose some weight...but I'm honest with myself that I don't need some hormone - I need to eat healthier and work out. And *gasp* I've lost 8lbs in the last four weeks doing just that. That is a HEALTHY amount to lose, 2lbs a week.
Now yesterday, I got mad at a friend because there was a facebook post from her about doing this fad diet. Thankfully it turned out to be a virus that is going on around FB. But I learned that after I wrote a reply similar to the rant above.
And now, just today while reading a guilty pleasure (the blog "Hot Mess Mom") I saw a comment from one of her readers that mentioned she was on "phase II" of this idiotic fad in responce to a post from HMM about her weight loss progress (*At a facility & with a program that is monitored by health experts ala weight watchers). Que anger all over again.
Being infertile this pisses me off more than if it was a fad four years ago before all this started but I can guarantee you one thing. At that point I still would have thought it was STUPID! I had a roommate in college (not Kim that you've heard me talk about as one of my dear friends) who used to use laxative often as a weight loss form, and I mean a dangerous amount. And I thought the same thing...get off your fat ass and get on a damn treadmill. Or maybe trade that fast food burger for a salad once in a while.
Believe me, I am not some skinny chic with great genes saying this. I am a size 14. I am a bacon addict. I love a good jaunt through a fast food drive through. I prefer hanging on the couch surfing the web and yelling at the TV with Jeff to pretty much any physical activity. But that's my choice, and I know it's a choice that comes with the consequence of the size of my butt. Don't like the size of your butt? Do something about it! And I mean actual work, not taking this stupid-ass pregnancy hormone fad diet. And thus ends the rant.
For those of you have not heard of it... there is a fad diet that asks you to eat only 500 calories a day and put drops of HCG hormone under your tongue (Or for more intense folks - take it in injection shots form). First; let me say anyone who's ever read anything on a healthy diet knows that less than 1,000 calories a day is starvation. And well duh, if you go from eating 1,800 calories to 500 - yes, you'll lose weight at first. FROM STARVATION! I Don't know what these idiots are thinking. And why they would risk their bodily organs starting to shut down because of a fad?!? Morons. Medical studies have shown that it's harmful and that most put the weight back on after stopping the diet. (If you're curious just google "Dangers" or "risks" with the diet. Plenty pops up.
Now let's look at the HCG hormone part....um, WHAT?!!! It's the hormone naturally released when you are pregnant. (**It's the hormone that turns that home pregnancy test positive**) It's also used by us infertile folks as a way to force ovulation. In past posts, you will have heard me refer to it as the "trigger shot". This shot costs me $90, and people are buying it to lose weight? Supply and demand people! Your using it to get rid of your love handles? This raises the cost for those of us that need it for a MEDICAL CONDITION not those too lazy to get off the couch and looking for a quick fix to being a chubs. I mean, look...I need to lose some weight...but I'm honest with myself that I don't need some hormone - I need to eat healthier and work out. And *gasp* I've lost 8lbs in the last four weeks doing just that. That is a HEALTHY amount to lose, 2lbs a week.
Now yesterday, I got mad at a friend because there was a facebook post from her about doing this fad diet. Thankfully it turned out to be a virus that is going on around FB. But I learned that after I wrote a reply similar to the rant above.
And now, just today while reading a guilty pleasure (the blog "Hot Mess Mom") I saw a comment from one of her readers that mentioned she was on "phase II" of this idiotic fad in responce to a post from HMM about her weight loss progress (*At a facility & with a program that is monitored by health experts ala weight watchers). Que anger all over again.
Being infertile this pisses me off more than if it was a fad four years ago before all this started but I can guarantee you one thing. At that point I still would have thought it was STUPID! I had a roommate in college (not Kim that you've heard me talk about as one of my dear friends) who used to use laxative often as a weight loss form, and I mean a dangerous amount. And I thought the same thing...get off your fat ass and get on a damn treadmill. Or maybe trade that fast food burger for a salad once in a while.
Believe me, I am not some skinny chic with great genes saying this. I am a size 14. I am a bacon addict. I love a good jaunt through a fast food drive through. I prefer hanging on the couch surfing the web and yelling at the TV with Jeff to pretty much any physical activity. But that's my choice, and I know it's a choice that comes with the consequence of the size of my butt. Don't like the size of your butt? Do something about it! And I mean actual work, not taking this stupid-ass pregnancy hormone fad diet. And thus ends the rant.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
It's the little things I'm missing....
So sometimes you don't know what you're even missing out on in life. Sure, not having been blessed with children yet I know I am missing out on hearing your child say "momma" for the first time. That first time they giggle and it's not gas. The pictures that are filling up my FB feed of the first day back at school, etc.
But it's the little things that you don't even know you're missing until you see it first hand.
Today was Barb's birthday, and if you read my blog you know she's one of my closest friends and has a 3 year old and a 10 month old. Today when I came over the 3 year old had this thing hanging from her pony tail. It was two hair towels tied together and then with flower hair clips pinned to it. Hanging off her pony tail. And she comes running up proclaiming "Kati! Look at my beautiful hair!" Later she grabs my hand so we can go into the bathroom to see it "glow" (thankfully Barb informed me on the way that we are just imagining that it glows). Turns out her favorite movie currently is Tangled and in it Rapunzel's hair glows when she sings. She said she was going to be Rapunzel for Halloween which depressed Barb a little because she loves to do family costumes. ((I am going to find a way for her husband to be the leading man, barb can be the woman with dark hair and the baby can be the lizard and this is from me just watching a few minutes of said film.)) And Barb confessed that she found a Rapunzel wig that has fiber optics so it glows. But to me, there is nothing better than a toddler running around the house with towel on her head. I'm missing out on that cuteness. See this post for two pics of her families Halloweens past (middle of the post).
And then when Barb went to lay the baby down for a nap, I was guided into the other room to build forts out of summer patio cushions that had been brought in with the three year old. This girl has awesome fort building skills! And imagination because she also built a bridge, and a tower, etc after we build three different forts. It brought back GREAT memories of fort building in our basement with my brother. Forts were the BOMB. And how could you not love hanging out for a few minutes building forts. I am missing out on that fun.
Except for today. I will admit that while I am sad I don't have any of my own yet....I am so thankful that I have friends that have children! For many dealing with IF, I know it's too hard to be around children. But I'm glad it's not for me. **Most of the time** Yes, I get down at special occasions and holidays not being able to share it with a child of my own but the every day stuff? I can't help but smile at it! Because I would miss out even further by not experiencing fun through the eyes of a child right now. Sure, I wish I had this every day. And yes, I wish it was my kid. And of course, parents can get tired of what I find cute and charming. But let me enjoy my warm fuzziness in the moment.
If I never end up getting to be a parent, I know I will cherish all these surrogate aunt and actual Aunt moments. My Aunt experiences have been with the five boys, so it's great that of the friend's kids, four of the five are girls...so now I can see this side of it. I wish I had taken a picture of this little girl smiling at me with her towel Rapunzel hair popping out of her tent - but I was too caught up in the moment. And at least I have that snapshot in my head.
But it's the little things that you don't even know you're missing until you see it first hand.
Today was Barb's birthday, and if you read my blog you know she's one of my closest friends and has a 3 year old and a 10 month old. Today when I came over the 3 year old had this thing hanging from her pony tail. It was two hair towels tied together and then with flower hair clips pinned to it. Hanging off her pony tail. And she comes running up proclaiming "Kati! Look at my beautiful hair!" Later she grabs my hand so we can go into the bathroom to see it "glow" (thankfully Barb informed me on the way that we are just imagining that it glows). Turns out her favorite movie currently is Tangled and in it Rapunzel's hair glows when she sings. She said she was going to be Rapunzel for Halloween which depressed Barb a little because she loves to do family costumes. ((I am going to find a way for her husband to be the leading man, barb can be the woman with dark hair and the baby can be the lizard and this is from me just watching a few minutes of said film.)) And Barb confessed that she found a Rapunzel wig that has fiber optics so it glows. But to me, there is nothing better than a toddler running around the house with towel on her head. I'm missing out on that cuteness. See this post for two pics of her families Halloweens past (middle of the post).
And then when Barb went to lay the baby down for a nap, I was guided into the other room to build forts out of summer patio cushions that had been brought in with the three year old. This girl has awesome fort building skills! And imagination because she also built a bridge, and a tower, etc after we build three different forts. It brought back GREAT memories of fort building in our basement with my brother. Forts were the BOMB. And how could you not love hanging out for a few minutes building forts. I am missing out on that fun.
Except for today. I will admit that while I am sad I don't have any of my own yet....I am so thankful that I have friends that have children! For many dealing with IF, I know it's too hard to be around children. But I'm glad it's not for me. **Most of the time** Yes, I get down at special occasions and holidays not being able to share it with a child of my own but the every day stuff? I can't help but smile at it! Because I would miss out even further by not experiencing fun through the eyes of a child right now. Sure, I wish I had this every day. And yes, I wish it was my kid. And of course, parents can get tired of what I find cute and charming. But let me enjoy my warm fuzziness in the moment.
If I never end up getting to be a parent, I know I will cherish all these surrogate aunt and actual Aunt moments. My Aunt experiences have been with the five boys, so it's great that of the friend's kids, four of the five are girls...so now I can see this side of it. I wish I had taken a picture of this little girl smiling at me with her towel Rapunzel hair popping out of her tent - but I was too caught up in the moment. And at least I have that snapshot in my head.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
I love being right, even on the little things...
So I've mentioned that I have not been real interested in eating lately. Well today we had lunch at 2pm. About three inches of a chicken wrap and a small cup of soup. So about 8pm, I started heating the oven for making our dinner. Jeff said "I'm still not hungry." I said, "Neither am I, but I can feel my blood sugar is starting to get low so we should eat."
He joked, "You're now diabetic. HIGH sugar, not low." (He knows I was hypoglycemic until a few years ago when my pancreas gave out after years of over reacting and now is diabetic.) But I'm on Met.formin for it. Which as I pointed out to Jeff one of the side effects of the drug is working too well and causing LOW blood sugar. Which after living so much of my life with this problem, I know exactly what the signs and symptoms are...so I know exactly when I need to eat to avoid problems. **most of the time**.
He doubted me. Bwahaha! That fool. So being the competitive type A people we are, he dared me to take my sugar level saying he bet it was around 100 (where it should be). I told him, while I felt some signs I was not yet weak or shaky so I guessed 85. I told him if we didn't eat in the next half hour to an hour it would drop to 50's. (I tend to pass out in the 40's).
Took it and Boo-yeah, 84. How good am I? Guessed to within a point!
Yes, clearly we have problems if we like to bet on anything. And will use blood, (yes blood people!) to prove who's right. That's bringing it!.
Oh, and I was right on another thing today. We watched the Hungar Games this afternoon. I was like "Is that Lenny Kravitz?" He said no, Lenny's got to be 60 by now. I said "How do you figure?" He claimed "Are you going to go my Way?" Came out when he lived in the dorms ala 1990. And he figured Lenny was about 28 or 30 at that time (Which if you do that math my friends still only make him 44/46 now, not 60!). So after the movie, and the credits role: I'm right again! And like any competitive couple, we have to go to the internet. He was born in 1964, which makes him 48, and Are you Going to go my Way came out in 1993. Which made him 29 so Jeff tried to take a little credit at that but I pointed out still not 60. We both agreed LK has some great looking skin for a 48 year old because he still looks about 30. What is that man's secret?!?!
Are you part of a competitive couple? What are some of your successes? Some of my loses will never be forgotten, or lived down - he still loves to bring up that Raspberry Barrett was NOT on the Purple Rain soundtrack as I insisted one day. Oh well, for now I will savor my victories.
He joked, "You're now diabetic. HIGH sugar, not low." (He knows I was hypoglycemic until a few years ago when my pancreas gave out after years of over reacting and now is diabetic.) But I'm on Met.formin for it. Which as I pointed out to Jeff one of the side effects of the drug is working too well and causing LOW blood sugar. Which after living so much of my life with this problem, I know exactly what the signs and symptoms are...so I know exactly when I need to eat to avoid problems. **most of the time**.
He doubted me. Bwahaha! That fool. So being the competitive type A people we are, he dared me to take my sugar level saying he bet it was around 100 (where it should be). I told him, while I felt some signs I was not yet weak or shaky so I guessed 85. I told him if we didn't eat in the next half hour to an hour it would drop to 50's. (I tend to pass out in the 40's).
Took it and Boo-yeah, 84. How good am I? Guessed to within a point!
Yes, clearly we have problems if we like to bet on anything. And will use blood, (yes blood people!) to prove who's right. That's bringing it!.
Oh, and I was right on another thing today. We watched the Hungar Games this afternoon. I was like "Is that Lenny Kravitz?" He said no, Lenny's got to be 60 by now. I said "How do you figure?" He claimed "Are you going to go my Way?" Came out when he lived in the dorms ala 1990. And he figured Lenny was about 28 or 30 at that time (Which if you do that math my friends still only make him 44/46 now, not 60!). So after the movie, and the credits role: I'm right again! And like any competitive couple, we have to go to the internet. He was born in 1964, which makes him 48, and Are you Going to go my Way came out in 1993. Which made him 29 so Jeff tried to take a little credit at that but I pointed out still not 60. We both agreed LK has some great looking skin for a 48 year old because he still looks about 30. What is that man's secret?!?!
Are you part of a competitive couple? What are some of your successes? Some of my loses will never be forgotten, or lived down - he still loves to bring up that Raspberry Barrett was NOT on the Purple Rain soundtrack as I insisted one day. Oh well, for now I will savor my victories.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Lost my MoJo these last few weeks.
So the height of summer to me is Founders. And afterwards is exhausting because so much energy was put into the Fest. It takes a good week to catch up on sleep, at least. An additional week to lose the five pounds I always seem to gain from the beer and fried food But usually within two weeks we're back to routine, weight, sleep, etc.
This year? Nope. Can't seem to get enough sleep. And, Woohoo! Yesterday was the official pre-fest weight so yes, it did take me 17 days to loose those five pounds but happy they are gone. I was getting worried I wouldn't lose them all before Halloween candy and Holiday food start to pack them back on. **My year is a combination of gaining and loosing those five/six pounds. Only chance to really gain ground is in the spring and early summer when I tend to do IF treatments and pack them on from all the hormones, so it's a vicious cycle!** And as for routine? Fagedaboutit!
My work has been hectic with a lot of personnel changes that I have had not consistency in my schedule. I have actually been forced to work a LOT of nights. What this causes is not being able to get to sleep until around 1am, waking up around 9am and feeling like half the day is wasted. It also makes it that I rarely see Jeff. And while, yes, we are on a treatment break we still are trying on our own. But when I work nights and get home around 11pm it's too late, Jeff's too tired, etc. that we're not even trying this month....OK we'll try, but it will be cd16 so what are the chances I have not ovulated? Um none. I always ovulate between cd12 and cd15. So sure, there is that small miracle that I am on the later end this month and ovulate on cd15 and the egg is still alive by the time we get around to having sex on Saturday but you know what? I'm not even that upset.
I'm just so blah suddenly. And not about having sex, I was seriously randy the other week. But blah about everything. I am a bit of a OCD on cleaning and usually do everything in one day (because to me there is no better feeling then a fully cleaned house). But I've been stretching everything out to one or two cleaning activities a day so I have more time to lay around. And eating! I looooove to eat but nothing interests me lately except the idea of take out. A few days ago I barely ate all day; and for a diabetic that's not good....I need food to survive and I've even had low blood sugar attacks so I know better. But I just don't have the motivation to get up. It's like working in the evening has sucked all of my energy out. And I think part of that is not seeing my husband. When I work in the day, at the end of the day I have his company to look forward to. But now? Cleaning the house and eating...all I have to "look forward" to at the end of the day is working. BLAH! I think this is also why I've been taking naps, even though I get 7-8 hours of sleep this week. Because if I have nothing to look forward to, might as well sleep. I also tend to feel this way when I'm depressed, so I know the pattern - blah feelings towards cleaning and eating and napping often. But the thing is - I don't feel depressed. I guess just missing my husband and joy in life for a while is making me unconsciously depressed. But, you know what I mean...I don't feel hopeless, I don't feel "lost" in life (just on hold). I don't know what I'm saying, I guess just writing it is helping me.
Thankfully I have Friday night off (actually work in the day) and then the weekend off (FINALLY!! Back to my every other weekend off! It's been June since I had a weekend off except for Founders). And then don't work a night again until next Wednesday and the following weekend. I actually get to work in the day on Monday, Thursday and Friday!! I can't tell you how happy I am at the idea of actually being home, to make a home cooked dinner (even though I'm not excited by food right now, I'm so tired of work food for dinner). And to spend time with my husband!
AND of course there is something to look forward to, it's just two months away. Our Vacation to VEGAS. And Polish thanksgiving will be before then (Sept. 22). And cooler weather, with sweaters and boots! And the Founders wrap up party on Sept. 15th. I think I really just need to accept this work schedule is bringing me down and that next week is better. And if after they have the two new people fully trained, if they keep giving me a schedule of 60-70% nights that I need to stand up for myself and demand they spread it out among the new people more. As I told Jeff the other night, I'd be happier with less hours and less money, if I could see him and be a happier Kati. Sadly, I can't just quit but they can spread the nights over more people now that they've hired them.
This year? Nope. Can't seem to get enough sleep. And, Woohoo! Yesterday was the official pre-fest weight so yes, it did take me 17 days to loose those five pounds but happy they are gone. I was getting worried I wouldn't lose them all before Halloween candy and Holiday food start to pack them back on. **My year is a combination of gaining and loosing those five/six pounds. Only chance to really gain ground is in the spring and early summer when I tend to do IF treatments and pack them on from all the hormones, so it's a vicious cycle!** And as for routine? Fagedaboutit!
My work has been hectic with a lot of personnel changes that I have had not consistency in my schedule. I have actually been forced to work a LOT of nights. What this causes is not being able to get to sleep until around 1am, waking up around 9am and feeling like half the day is wasted. It also makes it that I rarely see Jeff. And while, yes, we are on a treatment break we still are trying on our own. But when I work nights and get home around 11pm it's too late, Jeff's too tired, etc. that we're not even trying this month....OK we'll try, but it will be cd16 so what are the chances I have not ovulated? Um none. I always ovulate between cd12 and cd15. So sure, there is that small miracle that I am on the later end this month and ovulate on cd15 and the egg is still alive by the time we get around to having sex on Saturday but you know what? I'm not even that upset.
I'm just so blah suddenly. And not about having sex, I was seriously randy the other week. But blah about everything. I am a bit of a OCD on cleaning and usually do everything in one day (because to me there is no better feeling then a fully cleaned house). But I've been stretching everything out to one or two cleaning activities a day so I have more time to lay around. And eating! I looooove to eat but nothing interests me lately except the idea of take out. A few days ago I barely ate all day; and for a diabetic that's not good....I need food to survive and I've even had low blood sugar attacks so I know better. But I just don't have the motivation to get up. It's like working in the evening has sucked all of my energy out. And I think part of that is not seeing my husband. When I work in the day, at the end of the day I have his company to look forward to. But now? Cleaning the house and eating...all I have to "look forward" to at the end of the day is working. BLAH! I think this is also why I've been taking naps, even though I get 7-8 hours of sleep this week. Because if I have nothing to look forward to, might as well sleep. I also tend to feel this way when I'm depressed, so I know the pattern - blah feelings towards cleaning and eating and napping often. But the thing is - I don't feel depressed. I guess just missing my husband and joy in life for a while is making me unconsciously depressed. But, you know what I mean...I don't feel hopeless, I don't feel "lost" in life (just on hold). I don't know what I'm saying, I guess just writing it is helping me.
Thankfully I have Friday night off (actually work in the day) and then the weekend off (FINALLY!! Back to my every other weekend off! It's been June since I had a weekend off except for Founders). And then don't work a night again until next Wednesday and the following weekend. I actually get to work in the day on Monday, Thursday and Friday!! I can't tell you how happy I am at the idea of actually being home, to make a home cooked dinner (even though I'm not excited by food right now, I'm so tired of work food for dinner). And to spend time with my husband!
AND of course there is something to look forward to, it's just two months away. Our Vacation to VEGAS. And Polish thanksgiving will be before then (Sept. 22). And cooler weather, with sweaters and boots! And the Founders wrap up party on Sept. 15th. I think I really just need to accept this work schedule is bringing me down and that next week is better. And if after they have the two new people fully trained, if they keep giving me a schedule of 60-70% nights that I need to stand up for myself and demand they spread it out among the new people more. As I told Jeff the other night, I'd be happier with less hours and less money, if I could see him and be a happier Kati. Sadly, I can't just quit but they can spread the nights over more people now that they've hired them.
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