Half way...P4 etc.

So I was doing fairly well the last few days.  Not too worried...not too obsessed...not googling much etc.  But I was chatting with my cycle buddy about getting a P4.  She said her RE doesn't do them on injects cycle because they automatically put you on supplements.  Well because of my craptastic LPD diagnosis I have to have one always.

Well way back in 2010 when we first started seeing my RE I got DX with LPD because I had an 11day LP and a p4 reading of just 8 at 7dpo.  And on treatment cycles I've had P4's ranging from 13-25.  (they want it 15 or higher on a treatment cycle).  So I was expecting something between 15-25.  I told myself I would not get upset if it was 15.  I was preparing myself for the idea that it might be as low as 13 again.

And what was it?
 4.3

Four point muther fucker three. What the fuck?

She gave me the whole "Which mean you did ovulate, but that's too low for pregnancy implantation so we need to get you on extra suppliments since the 200mg oral pills just isn't cutting it."  Great. Thanks.   If they said to me my ovulation was weak with an 8, how weak ass crap is a 4.3?  And I had three follies, not just one.  WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE?

So she said "which would you prefer, crinonin gel which is goopey or endometrin that comes out watery?  Pick based on which side effect seems less annoying."  I said, I'll pick based on which is cheapest!

Wait - lets back up.  This morning when I went to get the blood draw they know I'm out of pocket for this stuff.  In fact because HSA changed so that the money isn't front loaded, we ran through the small amount that is put on in January half way through everything.  So Anyway today when I handed over the cold hard cash the admin said "We need this to work since you're self pay." (Yeah, thanks!  Frankly, everyone with IF deserves for it to work - but glad you feel like saying that out loud now that I've paid for this four times in two years).  And she said "am I scheduling anything else?"  And I said, well I've never made it to Beta but let's go ahead and schedule that for hope.  My RE heard it and came out of his office.  He gave me a shoulder run (weird!) while saying "I think optimism is a good thing."  Fucker made me tear up (thank goodness none of those tears escaped past the eyelid).  I'm sure it was partially the shoulder massage, ya know making human contact while telling me to hope. Yuck.

So anyway, they all know - - -this is the poor patient that has to pay with her money, no insurance.  And this is my fourth IUI.  And I'm trying to sit here and have hope.  And they tell me I have to pay for something else?!  So she said "Let me see if we have any samples".  Yeah for free stuff!  But free stuff I have to shove up my cootch? ok, I'm still excited.  Clearly something is wrong with me.  This is what Infertility does to you. Makes you fine with the idea of sticking a pill up your vag and having a watery substance ooze out as a side effect.  Don't you fertiles wish you were me?  C'mon...I'm living the dream. nightmare.

So much for being hopeful and not googling.  I've spiraled down.  Not much hope.  And googled.  yuck.  Thank goodness I had today off.  Sweatpants? Check.  Eating random candy? check.  What other cliches can I become?

IUI #4 Done

So it's done.

And the one thing I can say is I've become even more superstitious then I even thought I would be.  I'm talking over the top superstitious.  I had one my lucky socks from Btay (Chicago Blackhawk's arglye), I had on my NIAW necklace (When, Not IF), I had on my common thread bracelet (made from the same string connecting me to over 80 women with infertility), and I had the "hope" stone in my pocket that my SIL had given me last mothers day that I kept rubbing like a worry bead.  At 11:11 I looked at my clock and told Jeff it was time to go, and since it was 11:11, I made a wish.  You've heard of that right?  And finally before we left, I looked at the cross we have hanging up in our kitchen from our retreat when preparing to get married and said a little prayer (and I'm agnostic!).  Oh, and I had asked everyone to think of me.

Basically what I'm saying is I asked for fate in any freakin form for this to help make it work.

And Jeff did great.  His previous post wash numbers for #1-#3 were 8 mil, 1.5mil, and 900 thousand.  This time was 12mil.  Woohoo!!!  And motility was 89%!!  OMG great post wash for once!  So yes, you could say I have a little more hope now than I did this previous week.  But I'm still scared shitless.  But I know there is nothing that can change me from feeling that fear.  But now I need to just remember it's all out of my hands.  Whatever happens, happens.

Third Monitoring is the charm

So today we drove to my REs office ten minutes from home with the hope that they could squeeze me in quickly.  I had had Saturday's monitoring in Highland Park at the IVF clinic for FCI and when they called I did not see the phone ring (I was babysitting my BFFs kids while she went grocery shopping since he husband has been in the hospital for several days I thought she'd appreciate an hour away from the little munchkins   Plus I know it's easier to get things done without the adorable 3 year old and 14 month old.)  The problem with missing the call is they just said "come in for monitoring on Monday"...um it's a holiday!  What office? What time?  When I called back at noon they were already closed.  No answer on Sunday and left a message but no word.  So we went to my local office with fingers crossed they were open on MLK day.  Yep-  Whew!  No driving an hour for  five minutes worth of monitoring.

So then the worry switched from "can I get in" to "are they growing?"  Because on Saturday after five days of stims I only had three above 10mm - and they were only 13 and 12mm.  Well they exploded in growth!  Today they were a 20mm on Right along with a 16.5mm.  And on the left I had a 16mm.  My lining is 8.9mm.  So everything looks good!

We trigger tonight between 9-10am and have the IUI on Wednesday at 11:30.  No normally, we have sex the night of trigger and I've always wondered if 36 hours is really enough with his MFI.  So I was glad that he has today off so we could get it on as soon as we got home from the appointment which will make his sample 50 hours later.  I'm truly hoping this gives him better results.  Since his S/A's are always better than his IUIs and the S/As are usually about 60 hours since last release - I have a feeling it will help.  And this will be the first sample since starting taking Co-Q10 last April.  FX that for the first time ever we will have a post wash of 10mil or higher.

But this is it.  The last IUI.  Our last affordable shot.  If this doesn't work, it's IVF time for us.  But possibly not for over a year since the bonus is in question and we can't afford it without the bonus.  Our one and only real chance in 2013.  Please, anyone reading this, take just a moment and send out any good vibes, thoughts, or prayers that you can spare our way because we really need it.

Liebster Award take two (the short version)

Thank you so much to Megan from Here Comes the Sun for nominating me for a Leibster award.  This award is given to new or up-and coming-bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another. What a fun way to get to know other bloggers!  If you are thinking "...Hmmm, this sounds familiar!" It is because I got this award Nov 30, 2011 that you can read about here.  But that was over a year ago and there are new bloggers in the IF world who have come to my little corner of the interwebz so I like that I am still loved, by my new and old friends.  Because of that, I will play along by answering Megan's questions.  But I don't know that I need to come up with 11 things about me...I think if you read below you'll learn.  And if not, check out my blog from January 2012 as I did a 30 day challenge - plenty about me there!  

And as for who should be nominated that hasn't already? Wow, that's hard. Instead I will just tell you who has blogs worth checking out.

Just as I said last time I got this award; Kathy is one of my favorites!  But she has already gotten it as well.  But if you've never read her I suggestion hoping over to her blog.    She's survived thyroid cancer, is about to start IVF again and is the mod for 3T.  

If you want to know a great story of international adoption I have been falling in love all over again with my friend Mrs. Slick through her look back at her recently adopted son from Russia.  If you read nothing else, at least read the four blogs recounting her trip from December and January.  It's amazing and touching.  

Kristy Kay is entertaining and fascinating both in her personal blog and her 3T collaboration blog (where I had the traveling ovary and got to post a few times) but Megan already nominated her.   

There are several more that I follow and love - but some of them have over 200 followers, or have not posted lately because they are very busy being new moms (perhaps I should find new blogs to follow again?)

Megs Questions for me:
1. Favorite memory from your childhood? - - I have a lot of strong memories, but sadly a lot of them are from times I got hurt (I was accident prone).  But a memory that stands out as being full of happiness is when I was with my BFF and we were creating an Olympic tumbling floor routine to the sounds track to Top Gun after the summer Olympics from 1984.  (Yes, I'm old).  

2. If you're married, what was your first dance song? - - - Our first dance was to Faith Hill and TImMcGraw "It's Your Love".  The song was several years old at the time but I liked mainly pop and Jeff liked country and he had proposed and we couldn't think what could be "our song".  A few days later I heard this on the radio and knew since it was a cross over hit it was something we'd both agree on and it made me tear up and cry because it really described how I felt.  Now Jeff sings it to me enough that it really is "our song".  

3.  What was your best vacation? - - - I have been lucky enough to be on some pretty amazing vacations.  I'd love to say my honeymoon was the best, but honestly a trip to Punta Cana, D.R. with my friends a few years before I met Jeff was awesome.  Great location, great resort, and awesome excursions.  And it was just stress free, good times.  Loved that trip.  


4.  If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? - - - I would make me someone who enjoys running.  It's an easy and free way to work out. But from asthma and knee problems etc I just can't stand it.  I think if I lvoed running I'd do it, and be skinnier, etc.  And I think if I did it, that would get Jeff back into it (he used to be a runner).  And I think my SIL would like me a little more (she likes me but it'd just be another thing to bond over).  It seems like an odd thing to change about myself but it's what popped into head.


5.  Where would you live if you could live anywhere? - - - Right here, only a bigger house LOL.  I moved a lot for my career the first six years and when I finally moved back to my home town to be with Jeff it was so wonderful.  I love my home town.  I love Chicagoland.  Can't imagine leaving.


6.  Can you speak another language besides English?  I speak enough German to have stilted conversations...thanks four years in high school.  LOL  I can also swear in Hungarian, count in Japanese to ten, and ask a few questions in spanish.  


7.  Do you have any hobbies?  Photography and scrapbooking.  Neither of which have I done much of in the past year.


8.  Favorite way to spend a day off work?  Sleep late, then have Jeff cook me breakfast.  Watch some HGTV type shows and play on the internet for a few hours, than go out for fun with family or friends for drinks in the evening.  That's a perfect day.  


9.  Least favorite food?  Mushrooms.  Yuck!  Jeff loves them so if I get anything with them on or in it, he eats them for me.  


10.  If you had $1000 to spend on anything you want, what would it be?   Right now? IUI cycle.  Usually I'd say clothes but since we just had Christmas I actually got (or returned and shopped) for a LOT of clothes.  So if not our IUI - I guess a quick vacation.  I'd drive to Mephis and New Orleans spending a few days in each town.  But once it's a little warmer.  Like March or April.  


11.  How would you best describe your personality?  Caring but sarcastic.  I mainly make jokes with those that I love.  That's how we show each other love.  But everyone knows I care about them even when I'm making fun of them.

CD7 and CD9 updates

So I had my baseline on cd4 so started stims that same night.  A day later that usual.  They had me come in on cd7 which was only after 3 nights of stims, which seems early but whatever.  But because it was early I was not surprised to hear my follies were only around 10-11mm.  So I figured maybe they would let me stim for another four days before monitoring again...but nope.  They wanted me in on cd9 for another day of monitoring.  And since I have three days in a row off work - having to wake up super early for Saturday monitoring, eh? Alright.

I was told the only office open on the weekend for monitoring is Highland Park.  And I was told that they don't set appointments, it's first come first serve between 7-8am so to be there before 7am.  So I woke up at 4:35 in order to get ready and be on the road by 5:40.  We hit Mc.Donalds for breakfast and a road detour and still got there in one hour - which is good timing in Chicagoland for how far a drive it was.

Jeff said he would come with me since it was the weekend, and this is the first monitoring he's ever been to so he was surprised we were in and out of there so fast (maybe 8 minutes?).  But admittedly they scared me with the idea of "first come first serve" and we were definitely the first people there and they let me in before they even were supposedly open at 7am.  Jeff joked we were in and out quicker than how long we were in the McD's drive thru, and that maybe they ought to add it to the menu;
              "I'll take a McMuffin, hashbrown, large coffee, and a vaginal ultrasound please."
Where as I said, maybe if I can give blood and have a dildo camera shoved up my hoo-ha in that time, maybe they should be quicker with handing over a mcmuffin, ya know?

The sad news is that I only have 12-13mm going on.  One on the left and two on the right.

But Jeff said, "Maybe it's like cooking.  And that low and slow is the way to go."  Since I've never been pregnant, it's logic that I can't argue with.  Maybe part of the issue is I've always had them grow too fast with not enough time to mature? Who knows.  What I do know is they will be calling me later today to let me know the plan.  I assume I will continue with follistim for the next two days and go back in on Monday for even more monitoring.

The really good news?  They didn't charge us.  I don't know if it's that the office we went to assumed we have IF coverage in our insurance so they are charging them or what.  All I know is I was worried about running out of our HSA money  too quick and no charge is good news!  Plus, if they charged insurance, maybe I can see what the negoitated rate would be even if I have to pay for it, maybe it will be less.  I can day dream can't I?  Jeff thinks its that the higher price I paid on cd7 covers "all monitoring"  and I'm like "Um, no.  That's not how it worked last time so why would they change it up this year?"  I don't care.  All I care about is that I did not have to hand over another $302 after paying them $474 on Monday and $302 on Thursday.

When the strength wall breaks down

So eight months of a break were great.  I got away from thinking of IF all the time.  But you know what happened?  It made going back into it all that much harder.  Suddenly, I don't have that hope I had when I was cycling last year.  I don't have that "brave face" I've put on for so long.

I have sadness.  I have tears.  I have self blame and self doubt.  I have severe guilt that I've made my husband feel like it's his fault - un-knowingly by the pressure I put on myself.  This caused a fight, which cause more tears.  More sadness.  More doubt.  This marks several days I've felt like crawling in bed and crying.  Until last week I felt myself, now I feel like a shell of myself.  About to break at any point.

A friend of ours came over last night to cut our hair and wished me happy new year as she walked in the door and I found my self saying "yeah, woo-hoo" sarcastically and saw her face drop because clearly my answer was dripping with "who give a fuck?"

I don't want people to ask me how I am because that might cause me to break even further.  My eyes are swollen from all the tears last night.  And today they continue to flow at random moments.  I can't stop worrying - and yet that was what the stupid fucking fight was about in the first place.  How am I supposed to just let go???

And the worst is the knowledge that because Jeff's bonus is now very possibly not going to happen because of super storm Sandy we probably can't afford IVF if this fails.  So now there's even more pressure.   And before I thought we were both on the same page, bio baby or nothing.  But Jeff's now brought up adoption twice in the last month.  I just don't know if I can go from the idea of this is our last year of trying to gearing up to deal with this pain for another year or two.

I just don't know if I can do it.

Start of IUI #4 - Baseline etc.

So today is cd4 and the day of my baseline.

AFC:  13 - - - 6 on the left and 7 on the right.  This is down from 18 last April, and 23 two years ago.  Man getting old sucks!  I guess it's a good thing we said this is the last year of trying since two years ago she said I had the "ovaries of a 23 year old" and today I am feeling very much my "Advanced Maternal Age" (AMA) designation.

So tonight I am starting 75iu of Follistim again.  I have plenty in reserve from my stockpile Bethany sent me.  I should have enough to do this cycle and an IVF cycle if needed.  If not, I will be passing them on to another OOP 3T'er, hopefully one from my support group on FB, if not then through the meds donation program on TB.

I go back in on Thursday (cd7) to see response after three nights of drugs.  Since that's a Thursday I worry a little about timing.  If they have me do two - three more days then I'll need to go in for monitoring on Sat. or Sunday.  I don't know that they'd let me go all the way until Monday with taking drugs and not monitoring.  I kind of hope so, because then I'd most likely be ready to trigger and have IUI on cd13 (Wednesday).  Whereas if I have to go in on Saturday, then I'd probably still have to go in Monday - which means one more day of costs ($280ish) OOP.

Obviously I don't want to risk my health - but this is all so expensive that if I could save a few hundred - please do!! Especially since our HSA this year only puts in $1,000 up front and then the rest is done per pay check instead of front loading it at the beginning of the year.  Because of some scripts I picked up for Jeff and today's $474 payment for the U/S and B/W we only have $600 left for the rest of the month of January.

One monitoring and the IUI should cost $500 and I still have to pay for the ovidril trigger (around $85).  If I have that additional monitoring that sends us over the edge and I'll have to pay out of our monthly living expenses.  Crap.  There goes any room of feeling comfortable this month.  At least all of Christmas was cash and there are no credit cards that will be looking for money.  Thank goodness for small favors.  Will update again after Thursdays appointment, if not sooner.