Missed Miscarriage at 8w3d

I had finally started to really believe it.  I was still a little nervous each Friday but it had gotten so less.  We were making jokes and laughing before our appointment.  I had even spent the morning writing in the pregnancy journal my SIL had gotten me for Christmas.  Only to walk into the ultrasound ready to see the heartbeat for the third time and our baby to be twice the size of last week.  But instead I was laying there and said "You're freaking me out - I don't see the heartbeat flicker."  And my favorite tech took a breath, moved the wand a little more and said "I'm so sorry but neither do I."

I grabbed for Jeff's hand as she looked at my angel for a few more seconds before confirming it's over.

And then the world ended.

Thankfully I was their last patient of the morning because I'm sure the entire office heard my scream.  Crying out "No!"  She left the room and let me cry in Jeff's arms for, I don't know, a good ten minutes before I just wanted to get the fuck out of there.  I hated laying there naked from the waist down with that paper sheet so I got dressed and they came in again apologizing that they needed to take my blood.  Because I had been hyperventilating she couldn't get my vein in my left arm (I always give blood from my left and am a easy stick).  They had to have me lay down, drink water and do some deep breathing before they were able to get the two vials.

I was told to expect a call that afternoon from my RE.  When he finally called he didn't have much to say - I believe he mentioned the blood work will help tell us if I had antibodies that attacked my child but I'm not sure because the conversation was kind of a blur.  What I do remember is saying they don't do D&C's unless medically necessary - which freaks the shit out of me.  To be honest my chemical pregnancy I started bleeding right away before the second beta so it was naturally happening before I even knew it was over.  This?  I'm not bleeding.  Instead I'm walking around knowing I have my dead child inside me.  I stopped all the meds as instructed but I really don't think I can handle miscarrying at home.

*graphic warning**skip this paragraph if you want to avoid horror*  He said I'd need to decide if I want to "collect the tissue" for genetic testing.  I was hyperventilating the sheer idea of doing this at home but then the idea of the "choice" between flushing or collecting?  Holy motherfucking hell!  Both sounds like the worst thing in the world.  I spent some of last night reading online what to expect from taking the miso (cyclotec) and basically it will put me into labor (or some refer to it as home abortion - God how I want to have never seen that word).  People talk about losing so much blood that two I read passed out.  And at eight weeks I will expect to not only see massive clots of tissue, that my baby will be a "grey ball" of tissue.  Kill me.  I don't think I can take this.  I know others have said I'm one of the strongest people they know, but I don't think I'm this strong.  I don't think I can take this.  I know others have done this, and I know others have been through years of infertility.  But I think sometimes I've used up all of my strength on these past four and a half years.  I'm so fucking drained.

And then there is the "Is this the end of our journey to become parents?"  We'd said that because of finances this IVF was the end of the road for us.  But now the choice is - can we afford to take a 401K loan for OOP IVF?  I figure it will be about $15K.  But we want to buy a house and live our damn lives - can I put our lives on hold yet again for the sheer chance that might again just end in this heartbreak?  I just don't know.  Jeff of course when I screamed out at the office "We'll never be parents" that we didn't have to decide that now.  I just don't know where to go from here.

Inappropriate funny for the day?

OK - All you IF ladies have had a vaginal ultrasound so you know what that feels like.

And you know I have a bad cold.

Well it's moved from my nose into my chest so I have a hellish cough now.  I was in the exam and had a small coughing fit and joked "That was fun.  Nothing like coughing with a dildo in ya!"  My fav tech didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah you almost shot that thing out across the room.  You've got strong muscles"  Then looked at my husband and said "You're a lucky man."  Hahahahaha OMG!  Kegels ladies, kegels.  I hope you do not have drink up your nose now, I return you to your non-vulgar programing now.  My husband couldn't stop laughing the rest of the afternoon at that.

Happy 36th Birthday to me (And the week of crying)

So yesterday was my 36th birthday and I was sick as a dog.  Actually I don't know why that's an expression because I had dogs growing up and don't ever remember then that sick.  I was a miserable snot filled mess.  But here's the thing - it was still better than last year.  Do you remember me last year?  I turned 35 so all I could think about was being AMA (labeled Advanced Maternal Age).  I spent a bit of that day crying because of this stupid ass label.  As if a bodies ovaries know exactly the moment you hit 35 and it flips a switch.  Fuck that!  This year I have a baby growing inside me so sure, I have a UTI and a really really bad cold and have gone through almost two boxes of tissues in 36 hours from blowing my nose and I can't breath and my birthday was spent in pj's taking naps and my dinner was my husband bringing home a bread bowl of broccoli cheese soup.  It sure as hell beats crying from that stupid label.

But let's talk crying.  You hear people talk about pregnancy hormones making you all out of whack?  Holy hell did that kick in this week.  I thought I was hormonal *before* this week.  Let me say - before IF I was a person who almost never ever cried.  Like I could go six months to a year and only shed a tear or two over a movie MAYBE once.  In fact in high school when I started birth control pills and cried once in front of my friend Joy she said "I'm just glad to see you're not a robot" (because apparently being so "stoic" as my mom likes to call me, I seemed un-human.  Not this week!

I've cried at least two to six times a day this week (yes I just said six times in a day).  Let's look back at some of the times to get a little laugh, shall we?  I went to Hallmark to pick out Jeff and I's annual ornaments.  My mom has done this for 35 year but in an attempt to lower their holiday budget now that my Dad is retired they are stopping the ornament buying.  Getting the tradition passed down and doing it for the first time made me cry, and it's making me cry just thinking of it now.  (Seriously feel free to laugh at me because I have.)  Then when I went in to the emergent care facility and I said I was seven weeks pregnant, the doctor asked when my last month period was (this is a common question not only for all women but apparently for early pregnant women because I see it mentioned all the time on the First Trimester board on the bump).  I started crying as I explained that because I did IVF without a transfer and the FET that I really don't know what they would or would not consider that for me but because of the FET I know the exact day I conceived.  Poor guy got a lot more then he was looking for!  But then I cried later sitting alone in that room, thinking IF took being able to fill in a simple box on a damn form.  Will I be asked this at the OB's office once I switch from my REs?  How many times will I be made to feel like a side show because I didn't have that? (And yes, I'm crying again.)  I cried twice while talking to my mom yesterday over sentimental thoughts.  And since it was my birthday, my husband wrote me the sweetest message in my card (que the water works!)  I can't take all this crying!  And since my husband is used to non-crier Kati he's looking at my like I have two heads.

And now, yes I'm going to be one of "those pregnant ladies"  I will always try to actually write before putting this on, but I always dreamed that when I was PG I'd finally be able to fill this stuff out.  So feel free to skim or skip.  It might be VERY early to start a lot of this but I really want to remember everything!

How far along?  7w2d today
Weight gain/loss:  up 3lbs 
Maternity clothes?  not yet (thinking of buying belly band after Christmas)
Stretch marks?  nope, but trying to remember to start to use lotion every other day at least.  Using Aveno.  Mainly started using it all over body because I am very itchy.
Sleep?   I can fall alseep really fast (compared to pre-pregnancy) but also wake up fully awake to pee and then again fall asleep as if I wasn't just wide awake.  So weird.  And as always loving taking a nap a day.  I'm unhappy on non-nap days (but honestly have not had one of those in over a week).    
Best moment this week? Seeing the heartbeat last Friday.  Turns out Jeff and I were both fairly nervous but didn't say anything to each other.  
Food cravings:   Glazed donuts has been the craving these past four weeks, and since I work a lot of nights, the bakery comes and brings the donuts that didn't sell to the breakroom and there is always a glazed for me.  No wonder I'm up three lbs!
Belly button in or out?  Too Soon!
Movement? Too Soon!
What I miss? With this cold I really miss not being able to take Nyquil.  
What I'm looking forward to:   Tomorrow we get to have another U/S and baby Juice will be twice the size of last week!  
Milestones: Heartbeat!!!  BPM was only 104 but they say that is common for 6w3d.  I was just measuring 6w0d but they said that in first trimester there is a +/- of five days because of just how teeny tiny they are.
Size of a:  Blueberry!  
Bump/Blump Shot:    These are from 5w3d and 6w3d.  (See I told you I've become *that* girl!  I know there's no bump yet and it's all just bloat and gut but I don't care. Forgive me that the level of zoom was not the same in each.

Baby Pic:  6w3d They put two X's on there so I'd be able to "find" my baby after we left.  As if I wouldn't know that little peanut was my baby. Ha!  But it does just make me think of that Friends episode where Rachel can't see where her baby is on the U/S.

The IF Guilt Trip

There are many ways for someone that has fought infertility to feel guilty.  And I'm sure that I've been one of the people to cause a little of that for friends who made it to "the other side".

If they complain to someone still suffering with infertility that person (me not too long ago) would think (or say) "I would give anything to deal with *blank*"  And I KNOW I said that to my IRL IF friend Lauren once when she mentioned that she'd love to just be able to have one drink, just one alcoholic drink.  And so I will make it my mission to not say anything like that to someone dealing with infertility.

However, what I did not expect was not being able to complain (*Or not even complain, but just state facts) to my father and have him make me feel guilty for saying or even thinking them.  He asked how I was doing yesterday and I said I was having a little pity party:  I had the biggest zit I've had for years on the corner of my mouth, I had really chapped lips and I was afraid the chapstick was only making the zit worse, and to top it off I believe I was getting a UTI so yep burning when I pee.  I wasn't looking for answers, nor even more than a simple "I'm sorry, that sucks" but instead I got "Well you asked for this so put a smile on and just accept it."  I'm sorry what?!

No seriously, WHAT?!  Yes I ask for anything and everything that comes with being pregnant.  And I will say it's all worth it - without a doubt.  And I'll say I'll take it!  But "smile"?  Why?  Because as if over four years of heartache wasn't enough of a challenge now I'm supposed to also keep my mouth shut for anything that's happening from here on out?  Does this mean for the next 20 years I can't complain about anything to do with the child?!  FUCK THAT.

I understand the "Be aware of your audience and use sensitivity."  No problem!  I won't complain to those dealing with IF about any aches and pains or costs of a child or sleepless nights or stretch marks.  It'd be like complaining to someone in a wheelchair that my legs hurt from walking.  But I'm seriously going to have to have a heart to heart with him if he pulls this again (or others).  I am human damnit.  I am entitled to my feelings.  When I say simply what I'm dealing with, it's because you asked.

Now please understand, dear readers, that I started this blog for me.  And that's how I'll always view it.  It's like an online diary that happens to be open to the public.  But at it's core, it's for me.  So I cannot use that same sensitivity here.  If you unfollow me know that I'm pregnant, I totally understand.  I never have pulled punches for you when it came to what I was dealing with with infertility, and I don't plan on sugar coating things now that I got what I wished for.  I still live in daily fear of miscarriage (and will that stop until I have my child in my arms?)  But no matter what I will be me.

First Ultrasound at 5w3d

So first let me say that they told me I was off on how far along I am.  I had counted my 6 day embryo FET day as being 2w6d because well it was as if I had ovulated on cd14 and it was 6 days later.  Makes sense right? No and I have no idea why.  I forgot to ask the nurse to explain it but the U/S tech was like "Um, no they have you listed as 5w3d based off your transfer date."  Oooo-kay. Whatever.  Not that three days really matter this early into nine months but mainly it was that I was hoping to see not only the fetal pole but the flicker of a heartbeat that may have literally just started.

Instead I was "right on track" for 5w3d with a gestational sac and yolk sac but can't tell anything else yet. So without further ado here is little Juicer....

I thought I'd share a few other pics from the last two months to add to the story of our conception.

This is me before egg retrieval.  I knew it was going to be painful so I'm trying to put a brave face on.  The selfie is better than the one Jeff took of me.  But I think it's safe to say it's hard to look good in a hair net.  As evidence that even Jeff looks redic in one.  We just do not look totally like ourselves like this.  

  

And the final pics for you tonight...when I took the valium and was laughing at everything - I took this picture because I thought it was hilarious they had this in the room with me because I thought it looked like ovaries full of follicles for IVF.  Does anyone else see the connection or was it a drug high?  Oh and my instagram collage of my good luck rituals for both ER and FET days...I had my lucky blackhawk socks on from Btay (3T'er and #75strong gal I got three winters ago), my Hope stone from SIL, my common thread bracelet and my "When...not IF" necklace.  

  

I feel like the drama faces Happy/Sad

So my first beta was 104 on Monday.  Meaning that on Wednesday it was supposed to be 208 to have doubled in 48 hours.  But instead it was 172.  Now from my math skills I thought this meant a 73 hour doubling time (normal is 48-72 so to me 73 hours meant beta hell).  But on countdowntopregnancy.com using a beta base it said it was a doubling time of 66 hours so maybe they know something I don't.  So I tried to remain hopeful.  But lets face it, once you've known the pain of miscarrying it's hard.  But I think I did damn well.  I cried for just five minutes and then moved on to trying to enjoying getting to see my parents, brother and his family for the Thanksgiving holiday.  But as the 27 hours at my brothers wore on, I got more sad.  And emotional.  Ah hormones.

So Friday morning I went in for bloodwork and head off to black Friday shopping at Tar.get running the front lanes and cashiers.  Ugh.  Could there be a worse day to have to work while worrying?  Well I guess it was a blessing in disguise because I was able to stay distracted for almost the whole time.  The one thing I couldn't decide that morning was this:  Do I listen to the voicemail while at work or wait until I'm home in case it's bad news?  There were three of us there capable of doing my job and so many cashiers that I felt it was a safe bet I could go home if it was bad news.  So I decided if the call came close to quitting time; I would wait to go home but if it was like two hours I just wouldn't be able to not know for that long.  Know what I mean?  So when the call came at 2:30 (I worked until 4:30) I went on break and listened.

369!!!  (To have doubled in 24 hours it needed to have been at least 344).  Never been so freakin happy.  I started tearing up.  Just couldn't help it.  Tears of joy that never felt so good.  Whew.  So I think I've handled the roller coaster of the last 96 hours amazingly well considering.  But yeah, I definitely feel like those drama faces.

OK so the minor details

You want to know the details right? Well even if you don't here they are for my own edification.

I told you guys six days ago about my thoughts on larger nips and that I POAS of an internet cheapie to stark white?  Well I did that again Thursday and there was a hint of a hint of a ghost of a line.  Enough to make me go through the trash and find the one from Wednesday and it was there too.  But was it evap lines or real?  This convinced me Friday to take the FRER.  And it wasn't a squinter, it was a full on line.

Other symptoms?  The wack-ass dreams.  I have had very real-seeming dreams...when I normally don't remember more than maybe one dream a week - I've been remembering one to three dreams a night.  (And why are the Chicago Blackhawk team showing up so often?)  These are not "Oh, I'm pregnant" dreams, just vivid normal dreams.

And yes the sore boobs.  So much so that last night I wore a sports bra to bed.  Holy hell did that help!  And I'm the kind that loves to come home and take off the bra so it seems unfair that now I'm wanting to put something on.  Ever hear of pregnancy sinusitis?  Yep, blowing my nose a lot or sneezing.  Really thought this was a myth.   And now lets talk TMI, I already have a freakin hemorrhoid?  WTF.  I've never had one before so this is def a new one on me.  And I'm itchy at night - I googled this one because I thought it was weird but I guess it's not as uncommon as I thought.  But it's the "I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin" kind of itchiness.  Jeff reminded me I want all of this.  And I'm like "Yes, I want to be PG and I'll live with whatever comes with it I just didn't know one of them would be even at 4 weeks 1 day to be as itchy as all get out."

And poor Jeff, he gets to deal with the hormones.  I thought the levels from IVF were bad but I am now going from laughing hysterics to crying then laughing at the fact that I'm crying.  It's full on cray cray.  I feel like I'm not even me right now.

And Pregnancy Brain!  I've heard of it of course but I really thought it'd kick in later.  Holy hell do I feel like a simpleton.  Nothing major, but a LOT of kind of "duh Kati!" moments.

And finally my scare last night.  I had really bad cramps that woke me up at 1am.  The grab a pillow and sit hunched over and moan cramps.  I went to the bathroom and checked - no bleeding.  So I just took two tylenol and tried to go back to sleep.  Then and again this morning I googled and it appears that this can be normal *OR* can be miscarriage.  But I've heard plenty talk about "I had what I thought were period cramps but turns out I was PG" so I'm trying to believe that's simply what this was.  Just the only time I had cramps that bad was the one period after my miscarriage so of course I can't help but freak out a little.

Oh - and as for how I told Jeff?  I waited all day Friday (got through my five hour work shift) and kept off the internet a bit to avoid spilling the beans so that he would be the first person who heard.  When he came home I simply said "I thought we could go out to dinner tonight....to celebrate."  Big smiles.

And last but not least the first two FRERs from Friday and Saturday.