Day 29: If you knew you'd be facing IF, is there anything you would do differently in the past? Aside from seek treatment earlier? No. I love my husband with all my heart and wouldn't change being with him for the world. And since we started trying as soon as we got married, I have no regrets...OK, maybe I wished I had tried for a job with IF coverage harder back when I first lost my job a few years ago. But whatever. You can't change the past, you can only move forward. I am trying to accept that.
So a fellow 3T'er made me think today about the Seven Stages of grief and I realize it fits so much for various IF struggles...especially the one I'm currently in with our latest failed attempt. Any one recognize these feelings?! Yeah, I thought so!
1. SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. Riiiiiight. I moved past the shock and denial quickly this week, but I know on failed cycles I sit in the denial phase for a while.
2. PAIN & GUILT-As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. Screw you Psychologists, I'm drinking a little! You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never blank again if you just blank") I believe this is where I have been at for days.
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. OK, I'm isolating myself a little too.
5. THE UPWARD TURN-As you start to adjust, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly. So you're telling me the over eating and wanting to drink will lessen? That'll be good. For now, screw you IF and pass the potato chips.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life. You will start to work on practical problems and reconstructing yourself and your life.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward. I hope all of us will not only get to the "hope" stage, but move even beyond that to Success.
Ice bar in Vegas 2012
I have been through all 7 stages. I remember being in the first 4 and not being able to see the last 3 as a possibility for us. The despair was all consuming and I HATE that you have to go through that kind of pain.
ReplyDeleteI was just having a "conversation" with my 6 week old: "I am so sorry that I had to make you scream in pain while I suctioned the snot out of your nose. I know that while I was doing it you didn't understand "why" you had to feel so much pain and fear, but I promise soon you will be able to breath easier" I went on to tell her all about our battle with IF and how we didn't understand at the time that we had to go through all that pain before we would turn to adoption, and how she is worth it ALL.
I don't know what your "outcome" will be, but I am here on the sidelines praying for you!!